Las Vegas Lady (1975)

Directed By Noel Nosseck
Starring Stella Stevens, Lynn Moody, and Linda Scruggs
Rated PG
USA

"Now you just hang out for a couple of hours. The sun will be down. And I am going to show you something fun."

As the opening song tells us, when you gamble, even when you win, you lose. And for Stella Stevens' (The Nutty Professor's Stella) aptly named character Lucky, losing is not an option. Filmed in mid-70's Vegas, Las Vegas Lady is a heist movie that features three tough and talented gals determined to get their piece of the pie.

Lisa (Linda Scruggs) is a trapeze artist who is beginning to freeze up during critical moments of her act. And Carol (Lynne Moody) is being hassled by a bookie over a large gambling debt. And all three are operating under the instructions of a mysterious stranger.

The heist itself is pretty straightforward, Lisa has to scale a wall to get to the safe, and the other two are there to smuggle her and the money out. Of course timing is critical, and everything doesn't go as planned. And that's the fun of heist movies. It's a risky endeavor, and the stakes are high.

The real treat of Las Vegas Lady however, is the scenery. It features a lot of clips of 1970's Vegas that had me hitting the pause button just to take them all in. Other than that, there is nothing really remarkable about the movie. It's a slow-going, mediocre affair that never really makes the effort to hold your interest.

Pretty much the only other thing it has going for it is the soundtrack. While it is not a great score by any stretch, it is composed by Alan Silvestri, who is a big deals nowadays. As of this writing, his newest score will be the Summer action flick, Captain America.

So if you are soundtrack junkie, or love scenes of old Vegas, I'd recommend it. Otherwise, it's not worth the effort.

-BoDuley

Mr Skin Presents: Women in Prison Triple Feature (Chained Heat, Red Heat, Jungle Warriors) (2011)

Directed by Paul Nicholas, Robert Collector, and Ernst R. von Theumer

Starring Linda Blair, Sybil Danning, Stella Stevens, John Vernon, Tamara Dobson, Sylvia Kristol, Paul Smith, and Marjoe Gortner

Unrated

USA, West Germany, Austria, Mexico

On Tuesday July 12, 2011, Panik House Entertainment and Mr. Skin bring a limited print run of three classic women in prison films together on DVD for the first time ever. Each film has an introduction from Mr. Skin himself, providing his patented brand of skintastic skinformation about the important issues in each film (AKA the oft nude cast members), interviews with Stella Stevens and Sybil Danning, and best of all, a fully remastered and uncut Chained Heat never before available in North America (damn those Southerners!)!

First up is arguably the best Women in Prison films of all time: 1983's Chained Heat. Coming shortly after her no doubt unforgettable appearances on Love Boat, Fantasy Island and some show called Laugh Trax, Linda Blair attempts to bring stone-faced seriousness to a movie that as evidenced by merely watching it, is about as serious as some analogy I haven't thought of yet.

Blair plays naive teen Carol Henderson, who ends up in a super shitty prison after she accidentally offs a dude. Once there, she gets all caught up in a whirlwind of violation and gratuitous nudity involving skeevy Wardon Backman (John Vernon), race-centric gang leaders Ericka (Sybil Danning) and Duchess (Tamara Dobson) and some rape-happy lesbians. For a full review, check out Movies About Girls episode 109.

Nextly, comes 1985's also epic women in prison feature Red Heat. Linda Blair returns yet again to her rightful place as B-movie mainstay, this time around playing college student Christine Carlson who, after getting jilted by her boyfriend for Uncle Sam, gets kidnapped in West Germany and sent to the pokie for admitting to a crime she didn't commit. Once inside, she starts a mancala and herbal tea social circle and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

No, just kidding. She actually gets the bitch treatment from hard-ass prisoner Sofia (Sylvia Kristol) until she can't take it any more and ends up in the fight for her life to maintain her dignity and eventually, freedom.

More of a hybrid of WIP/Nazisploitation, Red Heat delivers at least as well as well that Schwarzenegger/Belushi masterpiece of the same name; so watch it, all right?

Lastly, we conclude our journey with 1984's Jungle Warriors. This time around, we skip the phony baloney Hollywood stuff and get straight to hardcore reality as a group of supermodels head to South America for a deep-jungle photo shoot but get shot down by drug lord Cesar (Paul L. Smith) and subsequently tortured by Sybil Danning and gang-raped by Cesar's cocaine growing baddies. Eventually they get some guns and make their bid for freedom - by any means necessary!

I'm not going to beat around the bush about this: If you watch movies, particularly those of the ilk of this site, you must own this DVD. Confirmation censuses will be taken and all violators will be executed (or at least sternly scolded), so stop reading this and go to Synapse Films right now. Thank you.

-Jeremy Vaca

Long Distance (2005)

Directed by Marcus Stern
Starring Monica Keena, Ivan Martin, Tamala Jones
Rated R
USA

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

Monica Keena and her giant boobs star in this nifty little cat and mouse thriller. Nicole (Keena) is a shy, lonely grad school student living in Boston, who recently broke up with her live-in boyfriend. Late one night, she dials a wrong number and ends up talking to a clearly unhinged fellow who asks a lot of personal questions. At first, she's amused by his forward manner, but she quickly gets the creeps, especially after he calls back a few times in the middle of the night.

One day a detective, Frank (Ivan Martin), shows up out of nowhere and tells her that the guy who called her a bunch of times was in the middle of killing some chick in Nevada. Yikes!

Of course, he calls back to taunt her some more. She star-69's him when he hangs up and she gets a woman on the phone. Nicole tries to warn her that there's a marauder in her house, but she thinks it's a prank, and then you hear the sounds of rampant marauding. Then she calls the detective, who rushes right over.  They find out that bloody mayhem did, in fact, ensue at that number, a home in Colorado this time.

The next morning, the cops tap her phone. Nicole sits around flirting with the detective until he calls again. This time he kills a chick in Nebraska and makes her listen to it. She's supposed to stay on the phone for five minutes so the cops can nab him in the act, but she hangs up and pukes before they catch him. Stupid Nicole!

A no-nonsense FBI agent, Margaret Wright (Tamala Jones) shows up and shows Frank and Nicole a map, marking off this maniac's kills. He's clearly headed her way. He even sends her a postcard – written in blood! - from Utah, the next state along the road to Boston.

Marge decides to hang around, too. Nicole's apartment is getting pretty crowded at this point.

One night Frank accidentally blows Nicole's fuses with his microwave antics, and while he's downstairs trying to get the lights back on...you get where this is going, right? Next thing you know, the psycho on the phone is also the psycho at Nicole's front door...

As you might expect from a phone-centric 80's style he's-calling-from-inside-the-house pseudo-slasher, Long Distance comes complete with a surprise twist (although, I mean, how many different ways can something like this end? You'll probably see it coming). It's also got razor-sharp camerawork with lots of popping colors, a lean, economical script, a few dashes of subtle humor, and a doomed-but-pleasant love story.  Sure, Monica's gloppy lipstick is a little distracting – and she wears sweatpants through the whole movie – but all in all, Long Distance is a pretty effective low-budget psychoflick.

Also, if you like Monica Keena's face, you're in luck, because literally 90% of the movie is Keena close-ups. Woulda been nice if Stern threw some up-close cleavage into the mix, too, but that's life.

- Ken McIntyre

Bloodbath in the House of Knives (2010)

Directed by Ted Moehring

Starring Anne Reiss, Joseph Michael, Monica Moehring and Lloyd Kaufman

Unrated

USA

"Check out my new gloves. I just got 'em. What do you think?"

While not only having one of the best movies titles of all time, Bloodbath in the House of Knives also happens to faithfully pay homage to the Giallo film with both the unique stylistic flourishes of the curious Italian horror/mystery genre that in English translates to "yellow" due to the fact that the style, which originated in book form, was generally printed with yellow covers (looky here). But let's not get bogged down with lernin'; on with the show!

The film begins with a comely lass coming home to drink some milk. While enjoying her calcium rich beverage, she notices that her back door is wide open. As she stands there trying to figure out what's up, a black clad stranger comes behind her and slits her throat.

He then proceeds to stab her vagina for an excruciatingly long time, which harkens back to the Italian film peculiarity of featuring some of the most violent and offensive violations of female genitalia ever to witness celluloid; but you don't want to see that.

After that charming opener, we are in main character Ivy's (Anne Reiss) bedroom when she receives a creepy, exhaustively detailed, and slightly effeminate answering machine (do they still make those?) message from someone who knows her name warning her that "soon we will be together", which unnerves poor Ivy.

Ivy's sister Violet (Monica Moehring) comes over and is all like "stop your whining, let's get Audi 5000" and they take off to a magic-type live show where they meet Ivy's father just as the main act, a hypnosis exhibition, is beginning. The hypnotist brings an audience member up and does his jibber-jabber on him. The long and short of it is, hypnotized dude goes bonkers and starts to choke Ivy's dad to death. Then he gets all shot up by a mysterious (and black glove wearing) audience member; but only after Ivy's dad himself is dead.

Now the coppers are all in this hizzle and questioning all involved, particularly the hypnotist(John Link) who vehemently denies having anything to do with the murder. And who wouldn't believe him?

When the lead detective on the case questions Ivy and Violet, we find out that the hypnotized guy was a friend of Ivy's family and had never shown any signs of violent tendencies prior to that event. But enough of that downer shit; let's do shots!

It turns out that the bar the ladies are grieving in is owned by a douchey thug named Nick who is blackmailing Ivy over secrets he has about her. I then asked myself why Ivy would go to a place where the owner is someone that has it out for her, but then I stopped thinking. Anyway, regarding all this, Ivy has had it up to here:

After the whole Ivy/Nick thing is done, Ivy and Violet take off together, while their other friend, Penny (Brandy Lee), heads to her own place. Once there we get the old "Hey, this POV shot looks like the killer's - aren't those the same gloves?" false start (because it's only her boyfriend Eric (Zach Meitzler) with some new motorcycle gloves) thing. Gotcha!

Anyways, homegirl goes to take a bath and Eric microwaves up some 'roni and gets stabbed from behind; dying with the words I would probably utter upon my own (completely figurative) stabbing death: "Oh shit."

Well, black gloved killer (who is now wearing a smiling Greek theatre mask) smothers Penny with the shower curtain until she passes out.

Penny wakes up in what looks like a basement; wrists tied to the ceiling. As you might imagine, some very vile things (which have absolutely nothing to do with kabobs, a table of knives, or another creepy, exhaustively detailed, and slightly effeminate message) proceed to happen to Penny. But let's think of happier times, shall we?

From this point on, Ivy's friend's and family continue to meet their demise at the hands of this menacing killer while at the same time the murderer continues getting closer to Ivy herself. Who is this madman, and why is he (or she) killing everyone that Ivy cares for? Well, you're just going to have to find that stuff out yourself. In the meantime, watch the trailer.

Ultimately, if what you like about Giallos include lingering shots of inanimate objects, story-lines so needlessly convoluted that the convolution becomes the entertainment, brutal and unflinching violence, or characters so emotionally detached from what is happening that it rivals that of the archetypal 80's movie parent, then Bloodbath in the House of Knives is for you!

Go to Oldies or MVD to get yourself hooked up with this and other great films from Alpha Home Video.

- Jeremy Vaca

Strip for Action (1996)

AKA Hot Ticket 
AKA Hard Run 
Directed by Lev Spiro
Starring Maria Ford, Nikki Fritz
Rated R
USA

“What are you doing out here in that get-up?” 

Made midway through Roger Corman’s 90’s strippersploitation cycle by Lev Spiro – who cut his teeth on Emmanuelle softcore romps before graduating to upper-tier TV series like Weeds and Ugly Betty, Strip for Action (AKA Hot Ticket, another nonsensical title) attempts to merge the nutcase-vs-strippers antics of Stripteaser with an outdoor adventure, complete with campfire songs and white water rafting.

So, a comedy then?

Not if you ask star Maria Ford, who plays out the absurd hijinks with a stiff upper lip and a blood-freezing glare. I guess we better take this one seriously. Although that’s a little hard to do, since Maria has her top off less than two-minutes into the movie, during an opening credits striptease.

It’s a good night at Club Capone, but it looks like trouble is brewing in the alley. A couple thugs – calculating mastermind Halleck (Emile Levisetti) and  long-haired psycho Jones (Kevin Alber) put on pantyhose masks and start unloading a suitcase full of guns. One of the club’s many security goons interrupts them, so they shoot him right in the neck.

So then the crooks go in there to rob the joint – they’re in cahoots with one of the employees, some clown named Frank (Kevin Walker, in his last acting role)  – but somebody flinches, and they pretty much shoot everybody, except for a couple of people, including Kim (Ford), who was fucking her boyfriend Vic (Kevin Contreras) - the club’s manager - in the basement during the massacre. Vic and Kim and Uncle Stu (Bob McFarland, who also quit acting a few months after making this) – he owns the joint, and may or may not also be Kim’s uncle – all end up in the clutches of the bad guys, who have to wait until 6AM, then the timed safe opens up, to get their dough.

So it’s gonna be a weird night. Eventually they get the dough and take Kim and another stripper, Crystal (Nikki Fritz), hostage. Vic manages to get away and zooms off for help, but they catch up with him. Halleck plans on killing him, but Kim talks him out of it, because Vic is a pilot, and they need somebody to fly their plane. There’s a plane involved now. They all pile into one of those tiny propeller planes and go zooming off to Nevada. Unfortunately Jones, who is flying the plane, is dying of blood loss from a gunshot wound, so that’s not good. Also, Halleck keeps provoking everybody, and in a very exciting scene, just about everybody in the plane ends up either holding a gun or getting shot at. Kim even has the gun for a few minutes.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t have it in her to shoot the fucker. Also, all this gunplay inside the plane can’t end well, and eventually Jones get shot dead. The plane spirals out of control and crashes into a river! Luckily, everyone survives. Except Vic, maybe. He’s not around.

Even after a near-death experience, Halleck is still a dick. He gets into a tussle with cousin Frank, and while they roll around on the ground, the two wet strippers fuckin’ take off, man. Sadly, Crystal doesn’t like getting bossed around by Kim, so she gets caught almost immediately, and Halleck threatens to shoot her unless Kim comes back. She really shouldn’t care – Crystal obviously hates her – but she feels bad, so she goes back.

But hey, here’s some good news – Vic’s not dead! Hooray! More on him later. In the meantime, everybody has to climb a bunch of rocks, which is good, because Crystal is wearing a short cheerleader skirt, so we get to see her underwear as she climbs. Halleck notices too, and he starts to fall for her ample charms.

Also, Frank – who had a fling with Kim before Vic showed up – thinks that this might be the perfect time to pick up where they left off. Inappropriate, Frank! Anyway, Vic’s been hurling rocks at Kim from atop a mountain this whole time, so now she knows he’s still alive. So that makes her feel better.

Franks swears he saw a highway around there somewhere, so they continue to wander around, but there’s pretty much nothing but trees and rocks as far as the eyes can see. It starts to get dark, so they decide to make camp for the night. Halleck starts a fire and they drink some whiskey and Crystal suddenly develops Stockholm syndrome.

Then she does a striptease, and she and Halleck go off to fuck in the woods. And then they spoon and have a nice snooze. While all this is going on, Vic gets the chance to sneak up on them.

He almost gets the chance to bash Halleck’s brains in with a rock, but then he steps on a twig and wakes him up. Kim distracts him by yelling at him while Vic scampers away.

The next morning, they come across a couple dudes in a raft. Crystal acts as a decoy so they can get their boat. Kim tries to warn them, but it’s too late. Halleck offs 'em and absconds their raft.

And then…gratuitous white water rafting!
And then…Halleck kills a hiker!

And then…Frank and Crystal get it. But you knew that was gonna happen eventually.
And then…Vic shows back up and kicks Halleck’s ass, takes the money and his girl, and heads off into the sunset. The end.

Or is it?

Of course, it is not! Well, mostly it is. You know how it goes.

Strip for Action’s biggest problem is that its tone is uneven. The opening stripclub massacre is like something out of Reservoir Dogs – albeit with none of that film’s style or substance – and then it quickly switches to a Grizzly Adams-esque outdoor adventure with a smattering of pitch-black comedy, as the two bickering dancers attempt to outrun their witless captors. Still, it’s all fun to watch, especially the fumbling attempts at thrills and spills, like the hack rafting sequence, where the girls are told to lie down so that it won’t look weird in wide shots when there’s only two people in the boat. Also, it’s hard not to like Emile Levisetti’s portrayal of the completely non-threatening arch-fiend Halleck. Even after murdering a dozen people, he still seems more more like a douche-y insurance agent than a ruthless criminal mastermind. Nikki Fritz’s snotty, back-stabbing stripper is another highlight, as is all of Maria Ford’s nostril-flaring and teeth-gritting. It’s no Angel of Destruction or Stripteaser, but fans of boobs, blood, and ridiculous Z-movie premises will definitely want to check this dopey little low-budget killer-thriller out.

Plus, you know, Maria Ford is in it.

- Ken McIntyre

Zombiechrist (2010)

Directed by Bill Zebub

Starring Ruby Larocca, Jessica Alexandra Green, Steve Nebesni, and Bill Zebub

Unrated

USA

"I've been wounded and the only way to heal is to extract the sacred meal from your bowels."

The first time I heard of or saw Bill Zebub was in the kinda-real, kinda-not documentary S&man (pronounced Sandman). More than anything, I recall getting pretty upset by how director J.T. Petty tried relentlessly to make Mr. Zebub look like a complete idiot. Sure, take a dude who's been drinking all day and then tell him to make a movie on the spot. Of course it turned out bad.

Anyway, what he was up to didn't really seem to be of my interests, but as I heard more and more of him, particularly regarding his film Ravage the Scream Queen being banned in Canada for obscenity and for his continuous output concerning eroticized rape, I started to get a little curious; at least to the point that I figured I should check out one of these low-brow travesties - for journalistic purposes, of course.

Well, along came Zombiechrist (or Zombie Christ, depending on where you look), and my interest was piqued sufficiently enough to give Mr. Zebub a try. The trailer alone let me know that this was going to be more than just an exercise in depraved and viscous sexual assault made for depraved and viscous sexual assault enthusiasts, so it had that much going for it at least.

I mean sure, Jesus does his fair share of anal fisting:

and turkey drumstick vagina spelunking:

...but its all done with an obvious light-hearted, if not somewhat blase approach overall.

The story itself pretty much goes like this: A butt-rock druid cult in Kashmir, India does a ritual to resurrect Jesus and use him to destroy the remaining bloodline of Himself and issue in the New Age of something-or-other. But most importantly, the ritual involves naked chicks dancing around all hippie-like for over 5 minutes.

After Zombiechrist is risen, he awkwardly hobbles around the world violating and killing his peeps (who for the most part just happen to be really hot, completely naked women) with his laser Messiah eyes.

The only potential victim to be privy of this whole Zombiechrist hoopla is the coincidentally named (and rightfully skeptical) Mary (Jessica Alexandra Green):

who fortunately has a super intense religious scholar dude (Steve Nebesni):

...to protect her from the post-maturely excavated Prince of Peace.

Touted as "the most blasphemous story ever told" (and if you're a normal human or a believer in the modern mythology, you're probably not gonna wanna watch this), Zombie Christ tries hard to offend, but more often than not, it's more likely you'll be shaking your head and smiling for the fact that this thing actually made it from idea to reality. But, if you like sexy naked ladies, irreverent scenes of offensive ridiculousness (all of which are handled in an extremely silly (and occasionally poorly CGI'ed manner) or vulgar displays of slow motion butt-rock kung-fu, this is a high recommend.

Visit MVD for purchasing information.

- Jeremy Vaca