Directed by Dan Golden
Starring Maria Ford, Rick Dean, Nikki Fritz Rated R USA
"Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've certainly got a hard-on."
In real life, there's Jumbo's Clown Room, a self-consciously sleazy burlesque bar in Hollywood. In Roger Corman's corner-cutting, royalty-free B-movie universe, Jumbo's transmogrifies into Zippo's Clown Palace, an alt-world version of Jumbo's, frequented mostly by rejects from Revenge of the Nerds and staffed by bikers and scream queens. Incidentally, the doorway to Zippo's Clown Palace is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, an inspired bit of trashy amusement park style hucksterism. The inside, on the other hand, might just be a spare conference room at the New Concorde offices.
At any rate, as our story begins, it's last call, and Zippos' star dancer Christina (Maria Ford) has just finished her slutty bride dance. A dyke-y Nikki Fritz, wearing one of those Skid Row nose-chains, is dancing listlessly on stage, and everyone's taking their final slugs of hooch, when Neil (Rick Dean, RIP) a loudmouth blind dude with a Mark Goodman perm job shows up and demands a drink.
He gets it, and then proceeds to jabber away incessantly. The barkeep tries to throw him out, but then he whips off his glasses, pull out a gun, and hold everyone hostage.
Meanwhile, a couple of crooked cops are making the rounds. They bust in a on dude named Arnie while he's trying to jerk off to some sweet 90's porn (Forrest Hump!) and do all his coke. And then they press him for info and head out. And they even steal his porn.
Back at the club, the crazy fucker makes the stuttering simp obsessed with Christina have sex with her or he'll shoot 'em both. The dude cries while Christina blows him. It's pretty awesome.
Then he tells a story about how he's been stalking her for months, even busting into her house while she's at work so that he can sniff her panties. Seems valid. He also kidnapped her ex-boyfriend, tied him to a cross, and crucified him.
So anyways, then the crooked cops show and, a seriously over-the-top free-for-all gun fight ensues. It's so abrupt and ultra-violent that it almost looks like a bunch of maniacs opened fire on the actors while they were filming their scenes. Still, even with the aggressively apocalyptic ending, we are left with a glimmer of hope: if you can survive a hail of gunfire, even bespectacled toadies with social phobias can score with hot blonde strippers. I mean, they might bleed to death before the ambulance arrives, but still.
Ably directed by short-change sexploitation expert Dan Golden, Stripteaser is an economical, stripped-down (no pun intended) psycho-thriller anchored by Rick Dean's gloriously unhinged performance as excitable schizo-stalker Neil. You literally have no idea what he's going to say or do from one minute to the next. It's an alarming and awe-inspiring bit of kamikaze acting. Of course, the title - changed from the original "Zippo's Clown Palace" to Stripteaser to cash in on the hype around Demi Moore's clunker Striptease, which was released shortly after - is a bit misleading.
Sure, stripping does happen - Ford joylessly gyrates through a couple numbers, top-heavy z-queen Nikki Fritz expertly works the pole, and big-eyed pixie Ann-Marie Holman is forced to dance fully nude for Neil's sick kicks - but it's not really about strippers or stripping, it's about a violent nutball and his kidnapping and murder spree.
Still, a very original and gripping piece of late-night scuzz. Recommended!
Directed by Jim Wynorski Starring Charity Rahmer, Tamie Sheffield, Summer Williams, Lunk Johnson Rated R USA “This pep squad has nothing to cheer about!”
Mcpherson (John Colton) is a ruthless, serial killing beast of a man running loose in the ‘woods up north’. Bodies are piling up in the campgrounds and the sheriff is on the hunt. Meanwhile, a group of jiggly 29-32 year old high school cheerleaders are getting picked off, Slumber Party Massacre style, in their own locker room. And if that’s not bad enough, they are headed - you guessed it -up North.
But first, an ass-first shower scene to get the juices flowing.
Written by longtime Wynorski cohort Lenny “Lunk Johnson” Juliano - AKA annoying reality show host/perv Cliff Probate from Bare Naked Survivor - and littered with Wynorski’s usual gang of booby girls, Cheerleader Massacre is theoretically the fourth film in the Slumber Party Massacreseries. Hence, the SPM poster redux, and the opening locker room kill scene, which pays homage to Brinke Stevens’ similar demise in the 1982 original. Stevens even returns as her original character in a brief, witless cameo. However, there is no slumber party. You’d think that would be the first plot point you’d write in. Perhaps that’s why the title changed midstream from “Slumber Party Massacre IV” to “Cheerleader Massacre”. Of course, that title is a little misleading as well. The main characters are, theoretically, cheerleaders, but they don’t have uniforms, and they never actually perform any cheers.
But, you know, let’s not get bogged down in ephemera.
Detective Demarco (caustic Lusty Busty Babe-a-Que host Melissa Brasselle) peers at a Fresno map (fun fact: Cheerleader Massacre was actually shot in Alaska) and promises the chief that she’ll get her man by the end of the day. Meanwhile, busty hiker Debbie (Nikki Fritz, Bikini Drive-in, Evil Toons), still rocking an ‘87 era Walkman as she strolls the woods, gets a frantic phone call from her mother about the killer in her midst. Mom wants her to hoof it home the short way - via the rickety rope bridge. Against her better judgment, top-heavy Fritz does exactly that, but is undone by McPherson, who cuts the rope and sends her sailing to her death on the rocks below. This effect appears to have been achieved by tossing the camera off the bridge. Buzzy (Juliano) has foolishly agreed to drive the cheerleader squad to their game up north. Clearly, his intentions are carnal - he figures if her plays this right, he can score with the fetching Coach Hendricks (knockout Tamie Sheffield, who is not only a former cheerleader, but attended Fresno State University - clearly, she was born for this role).
Unfortunately, his boner parry is put on hold when the van is stopped at a highway roadblock.. Seems there was a nasty accident, so he’ll have to find an alternate route. Luckily, he knows a shortcut - right through the woods, naturally.
There is a lot of police procedural bullshit in this movie. You should probably know that up front. Half of the movie is dudes in rented cop uniforms getting in and out of their cars. This is a shame, because there’s a whole van full of superhot girls (Charity Rahmer, April Flowers, Erin Byron, Summer Williams) who could be taking showers or lez-zing out, instead. Speaking of which said van runs out of gas before the crew reaches the highway, forcing them to brave the cold and snow (Is Fresno in the arctic part of California?) on foot.
One of the rangers figures out that the murders at the high school and in the woods are all related. Basically, Mcpherson is responsible for every murder in California, including several of the cops who are chasing him around in the woods. He even steals a cop car. Holy smokes.
The ranger heads over to see Linda (Brinke Stevens), Mcpherson’s first victim from Slumber Party Massacre. She clearly died in that movie, but whatever. At least it affords us an opportunity to watch a five minute clip of the first film. Ah, remember production values? After the flashback, the ranger splits. Did we learn anything? No. Well, we learned that Brinke Stevens is pretty far away from her shower scenes days at this point. That’s about it.
Rahmer, Flowers: "So, we can't find a phone...but we did find some board games!"
So, the cheerleaders stumble upon sheriff Monty’s cabin. Monty is the one who caught Mcpherson in the first movie. He’s not the same actor, though. Neither is Mcpherson. Anyway, he’s not home when they get there, so they guzzle his booze and play Scrabble.
46 minutes in, Wynorski awards you for your patience with a glorious Tami Sheffield shower scene. It’s as if he knew that you were about to shut this drivel off to surf Tube 8. Jim Wynorski knows what he’s doing, man.
Slasher movie hijinks ensue. Former porn starlet Flowers has a pretty good sex scene and then a headless guy knocks on the door, prompting the girls to find whatever weapons they can and prepare for a battle to the death with the crazed killer from 1982.
You know the rest, right? No need to belabor the obvious. There’s a goofy twist and the inevitable sequel set-up.
Cheerleader Massacre is a slapdash slasher with no gore to speak of, bizarre seasonal changes from one scene to the next, no real connection to the films it’s supposed to be following up, and a look that suggests consumer grade camcorder. In other words, just another lost weekend in the wild, wild world of Jim Wynorski. Trash fiends will dig its junky flavors, Fritz's prat-falling, and Sheffield's breathtaking rack. Anyone expecting anything featured in the poster, however - chainsaws or cheerleaders or an actual massacre - are in for a disappointment. You’ll get over it, though.
Clip: Cheerleader Massacre trailer!
- Ken McIntyre
PS: Late breaking news: Cheerleader Massacre 2 will be out soon! And it's X-rated!
Directed by Fred Olen Ray Starring Ashlie Rhey, Sarah Bellomo, Nikki Fritz Rated R USA
"I'm gonna take you to jail. I might also shoot your friend. But first, I'm gonna get a Coke."
When you think of all the garbage that's been dumped on DVD over the years, it's a tragedy that Olen Ray's magnum opus Bikini Drive-in is still awaiting it's digital rebirth. An amiable, everybody-wins homage to goofy 70's T&A flicks, Bikini Drive-in packs the screen with cult-star cameos, wall-to-wall breast-baring, and a barrel full of groan-worthy gags. It is literally all you could possibly ask for in a B movie, and it probably only cost Fred about fifty bucks to make. He's returned to the bikini well many times since, and will most likely continue to do so, but with this one, his heart really appeared to be into it. In fact, this could almost pass for a particularly saucy entry in the 60's beach party series.
As our story opens, Kim (Ashlie Rhey) and her best friend Carrie (Sarah Bellomo) are sunbathing, topless, on the beach, and contemplating what to do with their summer. "We could get jobs," Kim suggests. "Get real!" Says Carrie.
They're not the most productive bimbos on the beach, these two. Luckily, fate intervenes in the shape of a shlubby lawyer, who stomps up to our half-naked heroines with good-ish news. Seems Kim's grandpa, who died a month before, left her his business, a creaky old drive-in just outside of LA. And, just like that, she's a business owner. "What am I supposed to do with a drive in?" She asks Grandpa's lawyer. Seeing as it's 1995, a good fifteen years after most drive-ins went bust, it's a reasonable question.
The El Monte is a once-glorious Ozoner that's gone to seed. Kim and Carrie (wearing impossibly high-waisted Levis) go to check the old place out. At first it appears abandoned but then Oscar (Ed Wood alumni Conrad Brooks), the weird old projectionist, pops open a creaky window and hands her the keys to the joint. "Now that you're here, things will run much better," he tells her. But what does he know?
Meanwhile (there's always a meanwhile in these things), a ruthless land developer, JB Winston (exploitation legend David F Friedman) has been buying up every piece of land around the drive in to build a Super Mall. The shabby old El Monte is the only bit of property that he doesn't own. Grandpa wouldn't sell it to him. After hearing about Kim's inheritance, Winston dispatches his two old-school stooges, Harry (Ross Hagen, Satan's Sadists) and Carl (Peter Spellos, Dinosaur Island), and his young, business-minded son Brian (Richard Gabai, director of Assault of the Party Nerds and Virgin High) to try and 'gently persuade' her to sell.
So while that's going on, Kim's arguing with her blockhead boyfriend Darryl (George Cost, who's hairline recedes practically to the back of his head) about helping her fix up the drive in ("It's summertime, babe. I got stuff to do") while Carrie bones her boyfriend in a hot tub upstairs. By the way, softcore hot tub bonings are generally pretty lame, but I must tell you, Bellomo fakes it quite well. This might be the hottest softcore hot tub boning ever. Anyway, Darryl storms out, which makes Kim cry. "How can you do this to me?" She whines. "I gave you the best three months of my life!"
Soldiering on despite her broken heart, Kim starts her first day as the new owner of the El Monte, and finds out that her grandfather was $25.000 in debt with the bank. If she doesn't come up with the money in three days, she loses the drive-in. Kim finds out from her two geeky employees Tom (Tom Shell, Surf Nazis Must Die) and Susan (softcore legend Nikki Fritz, dressed in a dowdy library-nerd get-up) that the drive-in averages about fifty bucks a night, but she still thinks spit-shining the joint might save the day.
Carrie calls up her sorority sisters (who else?), who show up in Daisy Dukes to help out during the classic 80's style cleaning-the-place-up montage. Somebody pulls out a hose, and naturally, the girls end up wrestling around topless.
Brian and the boys show up to put the pressure on Kim, but she sends them packing, feeling confident that everything's going to work out just fine.
Despite the makeover, no one shows up for the Friday night showing of The Wilderness Gang. Dejected, Kim strolls solemnly along the beach in the dark, searching for answers. Brian shows up and professes his love for Kim, and tells her wants to help, regardless of what his dad wants. And so they make out on the beach and, after a few seagulls close-ups, they end up at Kim's, where they make sweet 80's love, providing you with ample opportunity to ogle Rhey's hard plastic Frankenboobs.
The next morning, Brian takes over as creative director at the El Monte. He tosses out all the family films and digs through the archives, promising a quadruple feature of blood n' boobs epics like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, I was a Teenage Tree, The Apeman Cometh, and Sorority Sister Slaughterouse.
And then he books a guest celebrity to make an appearance: scream queen Dyanne Lynn (real-life scream queen Michelle Bauer). Of course, you can't just get a scream queen of Lynn's stature to show up at your ratty drive-in, so Brian lies and tells her he's from 'Hollywood Tonight', and that they've planned an 'extravaganza' for her. She does not know what extravaganza means, but likes the sound of it, and when Brian tells her that the President of the United States will be there - he's a big fan - how can she say no?
You may be wondering, with all of this nonsense going on, where, exactly, the bikinis come in. Well, Brian's got that covered, too. He hires Candy (Becky Lebeau, Joyticks, Hollywood Hot Tubs) and Mandy (Tane McClure, Death Spa) to drum up business. In bikinis.
Mandy visits local FM DJ Randy Rocket (director Fred Olen Ray), and after nearly choking him with her oversized bra, he agrees to promote the drive-in on the air. When she gets back, Brian hands out bikinis to all the girls - including Kim, Carrie, and Susan - and gives Tom a rubber monster suit to wear.
Oh, and if you're wondering: the Nikki Fritz transformation is, indeed, awesome.
And so, the El Monte is transformed to Bikini Drive-in. Mandy and Candy go-go dance on the marquee platform while the sorority sisters take tickets dressed in itty-bitty bathing suits and Kim, Carrie and Susan - all half-naked, of course - run the concession stand.
On screen, a non-stop orgy of pure trash, including trailers for wish-they-were-real Z-epics like "Gator Babes" and "Goliath Versus the Cheerleaders" (starring Hercules himself, Gordon Mitchell!), and in the crowd, all manner of weirdo and cult hero, including Forrest J Ackeman, who nearly blows up his car with bug repellent from 1964, and Claire Polan (Angel's Wild Women), as his date. There's also a horse clopping around, for whatever reason, plus what looks like a very playful biker gang.
At one point, Mandy dances on the hood of some dude's car while cartoons are projected on her chest, and afterward, she wails on Carl (who is now in the monster suit) and then douses him in gasoline. Oh, and Susan and Tom make sweet love while covered in loops of film. Essentially, it's every cult-film geek's wildest fantasy come true.
The money starts rolling in, and it looks like Kim might just get to keep the drive-in after all.
But then Harry and JP and crooked ol' Sheriff Bloodstone (Steve Barkett) show up to bust the party up. Will they succeed in bringing down Bikini Drive-in?
Not likely. Everybody knows villainous land developers and crooked cops are no match for well-intentioned trash film fans, bubble-headed bikini girls, and Conrad Brooks.
Quite possibly Fred Olen Ray's greatest moment, Bikini Drive-in is well worth the effort it will take to dig it up from the VHS graveyard. Funny, warm, sexy and weird, it's an affectionate tribute to a bygone era that will have you pining for the good ol' days of drive-ins, monster-flicks, and big-haired girls in acid-wash jeans, whether you've actually lived through them, or not.
Thanks for this one, Fred.
Availability: Bikini Drive-in is available on VHS.
