Vampire Sisters (2004)

Directed Joe Ripple
Starring Darla Albornoz, Jeanie Jameson, Syn Devil, George Stover
Unrated
USA

"I feel like a hooker."
"You look like a hooker."

The name Don Dohler oughta strike fear into the hearts of Z movie-watchers everywhere, if the ultra-dismal Fiend (1980) is any indication of what the cat has up his sleeve. If you haven’t had the displeasure, you're better off- I think that ‘film’ has the ability to literally bore you to death. Luckily, the Dohler-penned Vampire Sisters- while being about as by-the-numbers, softgore schlocky as ya can get- is still about 666 times more watchable than Fiend, and, if you're in a god enough mood, you might even get a few chuckles (or boners) along the way.

The premise- hell, the whole plotline, really- is neatly summed up in the film’s title. Darla Albornoz, Jeanie Jameson, and busty goth pin-up queen Syn Devil star as the sisters in question, who run a pay-porn website together. Their highest paying customers are privy to special “Bonuses”, which means that when they get hungry, they invite said slobs over to their nondescript suburban home and suck ‘em dry. Literally. ‘Cuz they’re vampires, see? Vampires with fake wood paneling!

Although I am confused as to why the guys that are paying the most to see their dirty pictures are the ones that get offed- you think they’d wanna keep those guys around to help pay the rent- the rest of the film is a very linear affair, with dope after dope (a few chicks, too) arriving at the house, getting teased by the sexy gals, and then getting stalked, slashed, and vamped. Occasionally, there’s a hint of wit- when vet Dohler actor George Stover shows up at the girls’ house, he brings ‘em a box of Stover chocolates (zing!)- but there’s very little in the way of character development, and the only way to distinguish between one girl and the next is exactly the way you do it in porn flicks- hair color and breast size. There’s a sub-plot involving a private detective (or undercover reporter, maybe, I couldn’t really tell which) who decides to infiltrate the vampish cabal, and there’s a monster in the garage, too, but otherwise, it’s a standard blood and jiggle-fest.

But, you know, I like blood and jiggling, so this one was alright with me. Don’t expect a nightmare of depravity- or hardcore goreporn- but if yer lookin’ for a goofy, kinda sexy, old fashioned b-movie, albeit one shot on a camcorder, then you just found one.

- Ken McIntyre