Directed by Sam Weil (Lloyd Kaufman)
Starring Jim Harris, Jennifer Hetrick, Rick Gitlin, Helen Campitelli
Rated R
USA
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You could present a good argument that this is Troma's first "Tromatic" film. Directed by Lloyd Kaufman under an assumed name and written by his brother Charles, it looks very much like an embryonic, stripped-down version of their mid 80's mega-hits (Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'Em High, etc). Certainly the smash n' grab, cut n' run camera style is already in place, as is Troma's knack for dredging up every rubber-faced lowlife in the five boroughs and half of Jersey to mug and moon for their cameras. What is lacking is the sheer lunacy of their later work, the gutbucket gore and willful outrage. In fact, Squeeze Play's first half looks more like a test run for the cameras than any sort of finished product, as we wander aimlessly through the quietly kooky lives of a few part-time softball players/full time assholes and their hairdresser girlfriends from Springtown, New Jersey, where the winning softball team gets carte blanche to manhandle the women and generally act like half-retarded apes.
This year (this year being 1976, a year when tight denim flares were apparently very in among softball-playing yobbos), the big ballers in Springtown are (naturally) the Beavers, a gang of grabby, sexist louts led by curly-haired greasball Wes (Jim Harris). The Beavers are thrown the curveball of their collective lives when lightning-armed southern bell Mary Lou (Melissa Bell) decides she wants to join this boy's club. She pitches a near-perfect game (in a sundress and barefoot, no less) but the men treat her so miserably - pulling up her dress and taunting her until she cries - that she storms off the field in defeat.
Of course you realize, this means war. The various Beaver girlfriends form their own team. Pop (the singularly named Zachary, who may not have been too far removed from his character), a local vagrant seen swilling dollar wine at all the games, convinces the girls he can whip them in to shape. Apparently he'd been a ball player of some renown before the sauce got a hold of him. And so, the training montage happens, to the strains of a cloying, piano-driven mid-70's mush-rock track from Don Yowell about "Seeing through the stained-glass window of your mind." The girls call themselves (what else?) The Beaverettes, and schedule a game against their boyfriend-bullies. But first, they have a wet t-shirt contest. Feminism was wild stuff in the disco era, Jack.
The t-shirt contest ends up dramatically affecting most of the lead characters. A huffy Wes breaks up with his girlfriend Samantha (Jennifer Hetrick), after he sees her getting mauled by a fat bastard named Bozo (Michael Moran). Mary Lou is accosted by a Bogart-impersonating gumshoe named Koch (Tony Hoty), sent by her father to insure her virginity stay intact. After a scuffle, she breaks free and elopes with Buddy (Al Corley), who summarily attends to her virginity problem. Disco-suited Fred (Rick Gitlin), being a shy, retiring type, has so far kept his feelings for melon-chested cutie Jamie (Helen Campitelli) to himself, but that fuckin' contest pushed him over the edge, and so he ends up in a car with the now gloriously shirtless beauty. As dawn breaks, he screams to the heavens: "I'm swimming in it, a real woman!"
And indeed he was.
But ultimately, all the bed hopping and daddy-thwarting must end so the Beaverettes can attend to the real business of the hour: beating the boys in a rousing game of softball. I know, that doesn't sound like the most exciting proposition to me, either. By the way, I am assuming that the cast got their fill of yogurty goodness during filming because if you look closely, empty cups of Dannon yogurt are littered on tables in every other scene. An odd choice for product placement, but you take what you can get in Tromaville.
Game highlights? I dunno man, take your pick. Is it when one girl catches a flyball with her purse? Is it the scoreboard kid reading porn, eating pizza, and peeing when no one's looking? Is it whenever one of the girls takes off their shirt to distract the boys? Or is it when the guy catches a ball with his ass?
Most people seem to go with the ass gag. There's a string on the ball. It's very Ed Wood.
"They're gonna have to call for a clean ball," wisecracks the announcer. "She really cracked that one."
Squeeze Play is played much straighter than you'd expect from a Troma film, so straight it barely passes for comedy half the time. Perhaps it's just because I am not a sports fan, but I thought the half-hour long, inning-by-inning coverage of the climactic game pretty tedious, even with the odd flash of boob. Still, despite it's glacial pace and dearth of laffs, Squeeze Play was Troma's first big success, and most surely got the momentum rolling for all the nuttiness that followed. If you're at all interested in Troma's early, pre-Toxie daze...well, I'd still go with Waitress! (1982) or Stuck on You (1983), I suppose. Listen, it's better than a punch in the face, and at least you get an eyeful of Helen Campitelli's oversized sweater puffs. So whatever. Let's not dwell on it.
Availability: Squeeze Play is available on DVD from Troma.
Buy Squeeze Play! on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Mischief (1985)
Directed by Mel Damski
Starring Kelly Preston, Catherine Mary Stewart, Jami Gertz, Doug McKeon
Rated R
USA
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"Girls don't have nuts. So they're fascinated by 'em."
Simple story: It's 1960(ish) in Nelsonville, a picture-perfect American suburb where the streets are so clean you can eat off 'em, and the ugliest girl in town is Jami Gertz. Jonathan (Doug McKeon) is your average teenage nebbish type, satisfied with worshipping creamy blonde goddess Marilyn (a 23 year old Kelly Preston, looking impossibly good) from afar. But then bad-boy motorbike kid Gene (Chris Nash) moves in next door. Gene ran into some trouble back in Chicago, where he was tossed out of school for various pranks and infractions, so dad has moved them here, to tiny town USA, to start over. Gene really doesn't want any trouble, so he decides to channel his lady-killer energy into getting Jon hooked up with the girl of his dreams. No easy feat, given the kid's predilection for popping uncomfortable public boners whenever Marilyn's around.
Gene's first bit of advice is to have Jon fly down a hill on his bicycle and slam it into some dude's parked DeSoto. He does, flips over, and lands on the sidewalk with blood pouring out of his mouth. Who is this Gene anyway, the fuckin' antichrist? But just then, Marilyn comes sauntering by, finds our injured hero, and attends to his wounds. He takes advantage of the situation and cops a feel, feigning delirium. Both fellas decide this was a rousing success. And I thought getting laid in the 80's was tough.
Young love is always complicated. Gene digs sparkle-eyed Bunny (Night of the Comet's Catherine Mary Stewart), but she dates Kenny (DW Brown), the town asshole. Jon is nuts for Marilyn, but she's hotsy-totsy for Gene. Gene, who wears popped collars and hair grease, assures Jon that he's gonna work all this out, so he sets up a double-date to the drive-in, where they all watch Rebel Without a Cause. As in every film ever made about this era, Kenny the asshole shows up, douses Jon with soda, and challenges Gene to a game of chicken.
"Just like in the movie!" enthuses Marilyn.
Nobody dies, but Gene gets his ass kicked by his dad (the Stepfather himself, Terry O'Quinn) and Kenny vows revenge. So, that went well.
That's pretty much their last patch of trouble, though. Shit works out. Jonathan, amazingly, starts dating Kelly fucking Preston, and Gene - the most benign hood since the Fonz - somehow ends up with Bunny. Cue the 'having fun together' montage to Ivory Joe Hunter's Since I Met You Baby (Freddy Fender's version is better, but sadly historically inaccurate). Everybody's happy (besides that cunt Kenny, of course), playing basketball together, riding horses, making out...you know, this town has everything, from a drive-in to stables, and it's got to be the most racially integrated town in America for 1960. Everybody gets along in this Nelsonville, and there doesn't appear to be any poverty or race riots or drugs, and even the boner kid gets to bed a fully-flowered Kelly Preston. Is this what our parents are always going on about? Is this what the early 60's were really like? No wonder they never shut up about it.
Anyway, the sex scene. Blink and you'll miss it, but Kelly shows full bush. Jonathan forgets to bring a rubber, so he says - and tell me you haven't said this/heard this too, at least once:
"I'll just put it in a little. That way, nothing can happen."
Of course, he does not pull out like he's supposed to. Afterwards, Marilyn mopes.
"I'm sorry," Jonathan says. "I didn't mean to ruin your first time."
"Honestly, Jonathan," Marilyn says, rolling her eyes, "I never said it was my first time."
Hussy.
Buncha stuff happens after that. I should probably let you see it all for yourself. I will reveal this much, though: Jami Gertz takes off her glasses at the end. See that, she was fuckin' hot the whole time.
Initially, I was skeptical about Mischief, and when I say initially, I mean in 1985. 70's teens were into the 50's and 60's stuff because of Happy Days and Grease, but 80's kids were into the now, man. Parachute pants and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. "Fuck 1960", said the 1985 version of me, and soundly rejected Mischief, choosing instead to see Reanimator for the 57th time. Now I'm 40 and I realize that nothing was cool in the 80's, and the 60's - if we are going by Ohio Express, Twiggy, JFK, and Nancy Sinatra - were actually pretty cool, after all. And Mischief, even if it is a very fairytale version of the era - is very cool. Preston is the only celebrity skin on deck, but no matter, because all the performances are solid, the production design is flawless, and the soundtrack is smoking: Buddy Holly, Eddie Cochran, Chuck Berry, Gene Vincent...and Tab Hunter! Awesome. Director Damski...don't worry about that guy. He's still plenty busy doing TV stuff. Kelly Preston married a Scientologist (gross) but was in From Dusk Til Dawn (cool) and Metalstorm 3D, (awesome) so whatever. Jami Gertz is around. Catherine Mary Stewart really should've been a cult star, given Night of the Comet and this one, but she's pretty much avoided genre work ever since. If you're looking for her, she's probably shooting a Canadian TV movie.
The dudes...I don't really pay attention to dudes.
In summation: I got to see Kelly Preston's vagina today. Thanks, Mel Damski!
Availability: Mischief is available on DVD from Anchor Bay. It's also available for rental from Netflix.
Buy Mischief on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre
Starring Kelly Preston, Catherine Mary Stewart, Jami Gertz, Doug McKeon
Rated R
USA
Shop for this poster!
"Girls don't have nuts. So they're fascinated by 'em."
Simple story: It's 1960(ish) in Nelsonville, a picture-perfect American suburb where the streets are so clean you can eat off 'em, and the ugliest girl in town is Jami Gertz. Jonathan (Doug McKeon) is your average teenage nebbish type, satisfied with worshipping creamy blonde goddess Marilyn (a 23 year old Kelly Preston, looking impossibly good) from afar. But then bad-boy motorbike kid Gene (Chris Nash) moves in next door. Gene ran into some trouble back in Chicago, where he was tossed out of school for various pranks and infractions, so dad has moved them here, to tiny town USA, to start over. Gene really doesn't want any trouble, so he decides to channel his lady-killer energy into getting Jon hooked up with the girl of his dreams. No easy feat, given the kid's predilection for popping uncomfortable public boners whenever Marilyn's around.
Gene's first bit of advice is to have Jon fly down a hill on his bicycle and slam it into some dude's parked DeSoto. He does, flips over, and lands on the sidewalk with blood pouring out of his mouth. Who is this Gene anyway, the fuckin' antichrist? But just then, Marilyn comes sauntering by, finds our injured hero, and attends to his wounds. He takes advantage of the situation and cops a feel, feigning delirium. Both fellas decide this was a rousing success. And I thought getting laid in the 80's was tough.
Young love is always complicated. Gene digs sparkle-eyed Bunny (Night of the Comet's Catherine Mary Stewart), but she dates Kenny (DW Brown), the town asshole. Jon is nuts for Marilyn, but she's hotsy-totsy for Gene. Gene, who wears popped collars and hair grease, assures Jon that he's gonna work all this out, so he sets up a double-date to the drive-in, where they all watch Rebel Without a Cause. As in every film ever made about this era, Kenny the asshole shows up, douses Jon with soda, and challenges Gene to a game of chicken.
"Just like in the movie!" enthuses Marilyn.
Nobody dies, but Gene gets his ass kicked by his dad (the Stepfather himself, Terry O'Quinn) and Kenny vows revenge. So, that went well.
That's pretty much their last patch of trouble, though. Shit works out. Jonathan, amazingly, starts dating Kelly fucking Preston, and Gene - the most benign hood since the Fonz - somehow ends up with Bunny. Cue the 'having fun together' montage to Ivory Joe Hunter's Since I Met You Baby (Freddy Fender's version is better, but sadly historically inaccurate). Everybody's happy (besides that cunt Kenny, of course), playing basketball together, riding horses, making out...you know, this town has everything, from a drive-in to stables, and it's got to be the most racially integrated town in America for 1960. Everybody gets along in this Nelsonville, and there doesn't appear to be any poverty or race riots or drugs, and even the boner kid gets to bed a fully-flowered Kelly Preston. Is this what our parents are always going on about? Is this what the early 60's were really like? No wonder they never shut up about it.
Anyway, the sex scene. Blink and you'll miss it, but Kelly shows full bush. Jonathan forgets to bring a rubber, so he says - and tell me you haven't said this/heard this too, at least once:
"I'll just put it in a little. That way, nothing can happen."
Of course, he does not pull out like he's supposed to. Afterwards, Marilyn mopes.
"I'm sorry," Jonathan says. "I didn't mean to ruin your first time."
"Honestly, Jonathan," Marilyn says, rolling her eyes, "I never said it was my first time."
Hussy.
Buncha stuff happens after that. I should probably let you see it all for yourself. I will reveal this much, though: Jami Gertz takes off her glasses at the end. See that, she was fuckin' hot the whole time.
Initially, I was skeptical about Mischief, and when I say initially, I mean in 1985. 70's teens were into the 50's and 60's stuff because of Happy Days and Grease, but 80's kids were into the now, man. Parachute pants and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. "Fuck 1960", said the 1985 version of me, and soundly rejected Mischief, choosing instead to see Reanimator for the 57th time. Now I'm 40 and I realize that nothing was cool in the 80's, and the 60's - if we are going by Ohio Express, Twiggy, JFK, and Nancy Sinatra - were actually pretty cool, after all. And Mischief, even if it is a very fairytale version of the era - is very cool. Preston is the only celebrity skin on deck, but no matter, because all the performances are solid, the production design is flawless, and the soundtrack is smoking: Buddy Holly, Eddie Cochran, Chuck Berry, Gene Vincent...and Tab Hunter! Awesome. Director Damski...don't worry about that guy. He's still plenty busy doing TV stuff. Kelly Preston married a Scientologist (gross) but was in From Dusk Til Dawn (cool) and Metalstorm 3D, (awesome) so whatever. Jami Gertz is around. Catherine Mary Stewart really should've been a cult star, given Night of the Comet and this one, but she's pretty much avoided genre work ever since. If you're looking for her, she's probably shooting a Canadian TV movie.
The dudes...I don't really pay attention to dudes.
In summation: I got to see Kelly Preston's vagina today. Thanks, Mel Damski!
Availability: Mischief is available on DVD from Anchor Bay. It's also available for rental from Netflix.
Buy Mischief on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre
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