High School Confidential (1958)

Directed by Jack Arnold
Starring Russ Tamblyn, Mamie Van Doren, Diane Jergens, John Drew Barrymore
Unrated
USA

"You got 32 teeth, you wanna try for none?"

Director Jack Arnold was a drive-in kingpin, known for his prolific output of 50's horror and sci-fi flicks - classic Cold War junk like It Came from Outer Space (1953), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) and Monster on the Campus (1958). Likewise, producer Al Zugsmith knew how to dole out heaping helping of cheap kicks - his resume includes classic trash like Sex Kittens Got o College (1960), Female Animal (1958), and the notorious Fanny Hill (1964). Throw in bleach-blonde sexpot Mamie Van Doren and a cast of familiar names and faces - including Charlie Chaplin, Jr, Russ Tamblyn and Michael Landon - and it would be difficult not to end up with a crowd-pleasing bit of teenage nonsense. Given the era it was created in, you can forgive High School Confidential for it's final-act reveal as a an ill-conceived cautionary tale, because for a good hour or so, it's full-on gonzo, a delectable feast of impossible beatnik slang, improbable tough guys, drug-addled rich girls. nihilistic poetry slams, and the force of nature va-va-voom of legendary man-killer Van Doren.

Tony Baker (West Side Story's Russ Tamblyn) is the new kid in town, and on his very first day at school, he threatens to knock some dude's teeth out in the parking lot, hits on the first hot dame he sees, defies the local street gang, offers the principal's secretary a joint, and pretty much defies authority every chance that he gets. It's no surprise, really. Tony's a knockaround kid from Chicago, on his 7th year of high school - he kept back three times, and had to do two years in the army inbetween. Which probably makes him about 25 at this point. Anyway, Baker means to take over the school, but to do that, he'd have to join the Wheeler Dealers, but dig, Baker don't join no gangs, the gangs join him.

Tony's first class is with pretty-but-uptight Miss Williams (Jan Sterling). Naturally, he disrupts class with his antics, but Miss Williams is not having it, so she escorts him to the principal's office. Meanwhile, Wheeler-dealers boss JI (John Drew Barrymore, father of Drew) takes over the class to reinterpret teach's lesson in Lord Buckley-esque jive-speak. Unfortunately, JI is pretty much a square, so it sorta falls flat.

Meanwhile, skull-faced Principal Robinson has a talk with young Tony, but it does no good. He tells him that if there's any trouble, he'll call the juvenile authorities, which probably wouldn't be too effective for a dude that's already drinking age.

Tony goes home for a glass of milk and gets hit on by his sexy, boozy aunt Gwen (Mamie Van Doren). So that's weird.

And then she makes out with him, which is even weirder.

Tony doesn't dig the incest scene, though, because he's got his peepers locked on a blonde kitten named Joan (Diane Jergens), who just happens to be JI's best-girl. So this is all going to end badly.

JI corners Tony in the locker room with a bunch of his goons, but Tony pulls out a switchblade and everybody scatters.

So the jury's still out, really. Meanwhile, Miss Williams runs out of gas and accepts a ride home from Tony. He takes the opportunity to hit on her. She doesn't bite.

Meanwhile, we find out a shocking fact about sweet, innocent Joan - she's hopelessly addicted to reefer! What madness! Luckily, her dad's rich, so she's working a few scams to feed her habit.

And then JI and Joan hit the local hotspot, where The Poetess (Phillipa Fallon) does some awesome beat-poetry. Pounding the piano behind her is the sinister Mr. A, portrayed by none other than Jackie (Uncle Fester) Coogan!

Later on, Joan invites Tony to a pool party. He tells her he's looking to score some weed to sell, and she points him in the direction of one Jukey Judlow. And then they make out, since she's finally got a decent connection.

But when her heroin-addled pal Doris stumbles in, Tony gets all concerned-citizen on her. So that was weird.

Turns out Judlow's small time, so Tony has to buy in bulk from JI, who reports to Mr A. It's complicated.

Also, because it's 1958, there's a hot rod race. Also because it's 1958, the original teenage werewolf, Michael Landon, is driving one of the cars. It's all good times until the fuzz shows up. Even worse, they discover the giant bag of drugs Tony just bought from JI. Luckily for Tony, Mr. A pays his bail.

Concerned for her new student, Miss Williams pays a visit to Aunt Gwen. She chases her off. And then she busts in on Tony so she can watch him change. When he brushes her off, she threatens to talk to the cops about his fledgling weed business. Tony is not concerned.

Back at the club, Joan and Tony enjoy a coupla drinks and some tunes, but they're interrupted by JI, who tells Tony Mr A wants to see him.

On his way out the door, Aunt Gwen shows up with some shmoe to make Tony jealous. Aunt Gwen might be fucking crazy. He gets picked up by Bix (Ray Anthony), who has a car phone! 1958 was like the future!

Mr. A wants Tony to shoot heroin with him (what a party!), but quick-thinking Tony shoots the drugs into a rubber ball instead. Wait, what?

Turns out Tony is just a dirty narc! But now his case against Mr. A has hit a few snags. Like, for instance, the stoned-to-her-tits teenager in his bed.

Luckily, Joan's too dulled by pot to piece together what's really going on. Tony calls up Miss Williams and gets her to come over to tend to the wayward youth.

Then there's the constantly soused Aunt Gwen to contend with. She's not psyched about any of this.

Conveniently, she passes out on the floor.

So, off Tony goes to make the bust. But has Mr. A already sussed him out? Bix picks him up at the door, but is he taking him to Mr. A's place, or straight to the cemetery? And also, which one of these chicks is Tony going end up banging? And also, how did Joan get addicted to Marijuana?

Despite its totally squaresville moral message about the phantom destructive powers of pot, everything else about High School Confidential exudes a breezy cool, from the tongue-twisting beatnik slang, to the awe-inspiring coffeehouse poetry-slam, to Mamie Van Doren's gleefully over-the-top performance as a booze-powered sexual predator. While the stark photography and stage-y camerawork grounds it firmly in the 50's, like the Jerry Lee Lewis tune that it opens with, High School Confidential still rocks like crazy. Sure, it could have definitely used a little more Mamie - she's only on screen for about three glorious minutes - but this is still a classic slice of teensploitation. And that ain't no jive, Charlie Brown.

- Ken McIntyre

Joy of Sex (1984)

AKA National Lampoon's Joy of Sex
Directed by Martha Coolidge
Starring Michelle Meyrink, Colleen Camp, Ernie Hudson, Lisa Langois, Christopher Lloyd
Rated R
USA
Buy this bitchin' poster!

"I just read that preppies are out and yuppies are in."
"Hmm. Maybe I should go on the pill."

Nominally (but not really) based on Alex Comfort's 1979 millions-selling sexual handbook, Joy of Sex was one of National Lampoon's early forays into the tawdry teen genre. They are still milking that particular cow thirty years later, but very rarely do they approach the wit and invention of Martha Coolidge's fluffy little film. The hymen-thin plot involves one Leslie Hindenberg (Michelle Meyrink, best known as the cool-nerd love interest in 1985's Real Genius), a frustrated virginal high school student who misdiagnoses a mole as cancer and, assuming that she's going to die soon, decides she's got to pop her cherry before she shuffles off this mortal coil.

That's pretty much it, although there's a couple of running sub-plots involving chesty new girl Liz Sampson (Colleen Camp, 31 years old at the time they were filming), a drug-obsessed tough-talker who is driving all the boys crazy with her tight sweaters and gum-snapping, and Farouk (Danton Stone), an easily confused Middle-eastern exchange student who is constantly garbling teenage vernacular ("Excuse me, but why are some students getting stoned? Isn't this cruel and unusual punishment?") Every so often there's also a seemingly random scene, such as the bit where the school janitor attacks a trophy case full of Mr. Potato Heads with a blow torch, or when Alan (Cameron Dye) fantasizes about ravishing his nerdy science teacher.

Ok, so the premise is pure screwball corn, but despite it all, Joy of Sex is still one of the more realistic portrayals of high school life in the 1980's. Had it been shot today, pretty boy lead Max (Charles Van Eman) would have already sexed the entire cheerleader team and half the faculty. Here, he's on his way to 18 and still hasn't gotten laid. Sex wasn't so easy to get back before they invented Craigslist. The kids don't always make sense in this movie either ("Fate is calling you Les, don't get a busy signal"), and that's also pretty accurate. Teenagers aren't known for consistency. And seriously, who but a hormone-mad teenager would buy mom-aged Colleen Camp as one of their own?

Leslie sets her sights on nice-guy Max. Max's brother Alan decides to tame Liz Sampson. Farouk wanders in and out scenes, muttering about life back home:
"You know back in Abu Dhabi, it's the woman who sits in the ass of the car."
After several fizzling attempts, Leslie manages to get Max all to herself in her dad's car on a moonlit night at the local cemetery. A weird place to park, but whatever.

Max is wary, since Leslie's dad (Christopher Lloyd) is the wrestling team's loony coach, and he's announced several times that he'll "eat the balls" of any man who defiles his daughter. Leslie tries to ease Max's troubled mind with some Seals and Crofts lyrics:
"We're all alone," she coos. "And we may never pass this way again."
The couple starts to get busy, but Max fumbles around too much and ends up kicking the emergency break, causing the car to roll down a hill and crash into an open grave.
So that didn't work out too well.

Meanwhile, at the drive-in (chopsocky classic Queen Boxer is playing), Alan is working up a sweat on the leatherette with Liz, when she suddenly stops him.
"There's a lot you don't know about me," she tells him in her machinegun staccato.
"A great deal. Too much."
She explains to him that she is not actually a student, but a narc, working undercover to break up a school-wide dope ring. She'll make her arrests tomorrow, and Alan will never see her again. Unless...
"Even though I'm 30 and you're 17, I'm really attracted to you, Alan," says Liz. "Of course, having sex with a minor could get me thrown off the force. I have a career to consider. But honestly Alan, I get all hot and weak whenever I'm kissing you. Let's not talk about wasted youth, Alan. Kiss me again and the woman in me will throw this badge out the window and live for the now."
"Wait a minute, Liz," says Alan, trying to hold her off. "It is Liz, isn't it?"
"Kathy," she says, nuzzling his neck. "Kathy Reagan. No relation."
80's joke.
Alan freaks out completely, and peels off.
If there were some sort of Oscar-y award for low-budget teen-scuzzfilm performances, Camp would have certainly won an armful for that scene. Oh, and in the next car over, Max, Farouk and a few other numbskulls light their farts on fire until the roof of their car blows off. Hijinks!

Leslie spends the next half-hour or so trying desperately to get laid, first with an old boyfriend who turns out to be gay, and then with a boorish local newscaster, Ted Stevens (Paul Tulley) who she's had a crush on. Unfortunately, when she tries to utilize a diaphragm for the first time, it gets stuck on the ceiling, and she bails.


So, will Max fall in love with Leslie's hot best friend Melanie (former Miss Teen Canada runner-up Lisa Langois)? Yep. Will Leslie figure out she's not dying and fall in love with Max's brother Alan? Yep. Will the movie end in a costume ball turned drug-fueled orgy? How could it not? Skimpy on overt sexuality but packed tits-high with memorable performances from fresh-faced kids and familiar faces (Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson is the uptight school principal, Laverne and Shirley nemesis Carole Ita White is a horny plumber, Christopher Lloyd gets a blowjob!), Joy of Sex is kinda dumb and kinda smart. Just like most high schoolers. Unlike most high-schoolers, it's actually fun to be around.

In conclusion: Director Martha Coolidge fought bitterly with Paramount over Joy of Sex prior to its release. Some bullshit about nudity. Since there isn't any in the film, I am unsure who won that particular scuffle. Coolidge considered taking an Alan Smithee credit on the final product, but ultimately shrugged it off, correctly assuming she'd go on to greener pastures regardless. The controversy may have put a pallor on the film, because there's really no reason why it should still be languishing in virtual obscurity, without even the hint of a DVD release. Unlike a good 69% of the teen sex comedies of the 1980's, Joy of Sex is actually funny, and frequently so; it's also got some great character actors and appealing leads. Breezy and fun, Joy of Sex is well worth seeking out, even in it's current grainy, 25-year old VHS incarnation.

Martha Coolidge was a veritable master at the frothy teen-com, having helmed the classic Valley Girl a year before, and Val Kilmer's greatest moment, Real Genius, a year after. Although she left the genre back in the 80's, where it belongs, she's still working, mostly in television. Most recently, she's directed episodes of Weeds and Psych. Michelle Meyrink was on her way to bonafide cult actress with roles in The Outsiders (1983), Valley Girl (1983) Real Genius (1985) and Nice Girls Don't Explode (1987), but she also left teen coms behind at the tail end of the 1980's and has since become some sort of hardcore Zen Buddhist back home in Vancouver. The now very flannel-y Meynick can be seen spreading the word of quiet living in the recent Zen-umentary Chop Wood, Carry Water. Here's a clip.

Colleen Camp was, of course, already a bonafide cult actress at this point, having appeared in seminal drive-in window-steamers like The Swinging Cheerleaders, The Last Porno Flick (both 1974), Ebony, Ivory and Jade (1976), The Seducers, Love and the Midnight Auto Supply (both 1977), etc. She appeared in a fistful of cheeseball comedies in the 80's (Rosebud Beach Hotel, 1984; Police Academy 2, 1985;Screwball Academy, 1986), and has been doing steady character work ever since, including an uproarious stint as the most irritating Hollywood agent imaginable in Laura Kightlinger's brilliant but short-lived series The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman (2007). She is a certified B-movie goddess with one of the all-time great racks, and we enthusiastically salute her.

Availability: Joy of Sex is available on VHS.

-Ken McIntyre