Buford's Beach Bunnies (1993)

Directed by Mark Pirro
Starring Jim Hanks, Rikki Brando, Suzanne Ager, Monique Parent
Rated R
USA

“Jeeter just needs to find a home for his lost prairie gopher.”

If writer/director Mark Pirro is even vaguely famous for anything, it's the ultra low budgets he's worked with over the years. His first work, 1985 comedy horror A Polish Vampire in Burbank, was filmed for somewhere around $2,500 and immediately became the lowest budget film to reach cable television. By 1992, Pirro's star was on something approaching the rise, and he received the opportunity to work together with Axis Films International – a softcore production company looking to branch out into sex comedies.

You'd be hard pressed to put a figure on Buford's Beach Bunnies' cost. It's clearly not the ultra-low budget extravaganza that Pirro's name has been built on, but there's not exactly a whole lot of expansive beach shots either, which seems something of an omission considering the title and all. They did manage to rustle together enough to cash to pull in slightly-creepy-youngest-Hanks-brother Jim Hanks however, so that's something.

Basically: it's the closest Mark Pirro ever managed to get to a mainstream film. I use the past tense there because, well, it's hard not to play a little game of connect the dots with Pirro's filmography and the five years between Buford's and his next film doesn't exactly speak of a great success.

That's a bit odd, really. What's not to like? I mean, who wouldn't want to see a film in which the opening number details how the titular bunnies have the stuff that “makes your weenie wanna grow-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa”? Check out the following clip at around 1:20, and if you can tell me exactly what the line beforehand is I'll be super grateful, as I've listened to the damn thing tens of times trying to decrypt the preceding mumbling to no avail. In fact, not only can I still not understand what is said, I can't get the song out of my head. (Also, yes, the movie's title is spelled incorrectly in the titles, which is ultra classy.)



The story that follows from there is pretty simple: Jeeter Buford (Hanks) is pathologically afraid of girls, to the point of having psychedelic freakouts in purple and red tint every time he comes into contact with one. His old man Harry (Burt Reynolds-alike Barrett Cooper) is particularly unhappy with that, given that he's the proprietor of Buford's Bunny Hole; the local rabbit-dominated fast food joint which happens to be staffed by scantily clad girls dressed as bunnies. Oh, and a couple of guys in cut-off shirts, khaki shorts and straw hats. Because, I suppose, it was the early '90s.


Anyways, in order to cure Jeeter he presents his three favourite bunnies with the challenge of taking his son's virginity, and offers $100,000 to the first to do it. Probably happens all the time.

The film gives us a little background as we're introduced to a young Jeeter who is dragged by his friends to a brothel, rather naturally run by Kitten Natividad and her massive boobs. Jeeter's there to learn the “facts of life”, but he's only brought along $5. “What am I supposed to do?!” exclaims Kitten. “Buy donuts for the girls?”


She relents – after being informed Jeeter's saved “three days of lunch money” - but warns him not to expect much. Cue foreboding music. Jeeter's led upstairs, handed a blindfold (which he's told will make what's to come easier) and: screaming.

Cut forward ten or so years, and we find out a little about the elder Buford. Namely, the fact that he makes ads like this:



So that's probably something to be proud of. Hell, I'd eat there, and I'm not even into rabbit - “come by for a piece of tail” indeed.

Unfortunately, the news isn't good for old Harry – he's had a mild heart attack and is in the hospital. Also, he has to have his temperature taken via rectal thermometer, though as we all know; this is comedy gold material, and Pirro's not about to disappoint: “What's the difference between taking it there and in the mouth?” Harry asks. “The taste,” replies the utterly believably named Dr. Van Horney (Robyn Webb).


It's the day shift down at Buford's Bunny Hole and bookish Lauren Beatty (Rikki Brando) is late again. Harry's morbidly obese niece Beula Lugosi (Ina Rogers) just happens to be the manager and isn't taking any excuses – she wastes no time in telling Lauren that she just hasn't been paying attention to her work since she started seeing “slimeball boyfriend” Karl (Adam Wahl).


We also meet the co-workers: blonde Boopsie Underall (Suzanne Ager) and red-haired Amber Dexterous (Monique Parent), who is off and having sex with a customer in the toilet within her first three minutes on screen simply because he compliments her on her crystal necklace. Fact: early '90s crystal enthusiasts might be the worst people ever. Amber mumbles something about spiritual closeness because of said crystals, though her new friend is less enthusiastic. “Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Me too. Turn around and bend over.”


Meanwhile, Beula sits on a cook for calling her “fatty” while a rabbit sits in the salad.


After all that excitement, the three bunnies leave work to see Harry, apparently wearing the goofiest damn outfits they could find.


Turns out the incident with the cook wasn't the first time Beula had sat on someone – Harry tells the girls he thinks it's because she's jealous of the attention they get. And finally, we get to meet the adult Jeeter, who has very high pants. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, Lauren checks him out in the most obvious fashion possible. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of shaking his hand soon after, and he goes into tinted freakouts (although, frankly, it seems somewhat less than debilitating, since he's fine about two seconds later).


Still, it's enough to get Harry mad, and he yells at Jeeter for a while about how none of the treatment he's had over the years seems to have fixed his problem and how there must be something out there to make him normal. Then he offers Dr. Van Horney $10,000 to sleep with Jeeter. Naturally, she accepts and drags him off to the morgue under the pretence of a medical examination.

Even though the tell-tale signs of sex are there – soft lighting, smoke machine – he's reluctant to get his clothes off, so Dr. Van Horney has to convince him.

“I'm a doctor,” she declares, pacing around him. “I went through five long months of medical school, and I've read every book from Dr. Joyce Brothers to Dr. Seuss and I saw every episode of Marcus Welby MD! Now, are you gonna take your clothes off, or am I going to have to get hospital security in here?” That's enough to convince Jeeter, so she listens to his crotch with a stethoscope and then makes out with him a bit with her top off until he freaks again.


Harry isn't going to give up that easily, though. He sends a telegram - everyone in the '90s was nuts about telegrams - to Boopsie, who is interrupted mid-shower. When she hears of his mysterious “profitable” offer, she gets so excited her towel falls off.


Although she picks it back up before her boyfriend Scud Blackplowman (Charley Rossman) walks in, he still decides to throw the messenger into a bookshelf. “I caught you this time! Don't you deny it, you filthy stink-whore!” he cries, though he quickly forgives her once she explains, following which he tells Boopsie her nakedness has “inflamed” his “manly parts to unbound heights”.

Jeeter, it turns out, has catastrophic recurring nightmares, which involve a lot of travelling down the brothel hallway dopily looking around. This is invariably followed by a celebrity impersonator (Humphrey Bogart, Clint Eastwood and Marilyn Monroe respectively) giving him some reason to back away, and Jeeter wakes up.


Finally, it's time for Harry to announce his grand plan to the girls.

Harry: Jeeter just needs to find a home for his lost prairie gopher.
Lauren: What are you talking about?
Amber: I think he means sex.
Lauren: You think everyone means sex.
Boopsie: What did you mean, Harry?
Harry: I meant sex.

It's a sex comedy, you see. Anyway, the offer of $100,000 for sleeping with Jeeter seems to go down pretty well: even if Lauren says she's not interested, she still falls well short of being insulted or anything. Amber, on the other hand, seems downright enthusiastic.


However, they're overheard by Beula, who looks shifty and scampers off. Later, she reads an ad for a hypnotist, The Amazing Foreskin (David Robinson), which is probably the worst name any stage performer of any variety could pick. Meanwhile, Amber's using a Jeeter doll to conjure up good vibe gods by rubbing its crotch.


Having already pulled out of the competition, Lauren's at home with her boyfriend. He's trying to get her to have sex after two weeks of waiting, so he sneaks on a porno starring a dry-humping Pirro and Lissa Walters, who I assume was his girlfriend or something similar.


Despite the leading man's drop-dead gorgeous hair, she's not buying it. “It's...fascinating how they do that,” he says in a hugely strange attempt at convincing her to keep watching it.

At the theatre, Beula's sneaky plot continues, as she explains to The Amazing Foreskin (“call me Forey”) that she needs him to hypnotise Jeeter so that everyone thinks he's crazy.

The next day, Karl's still bothering Lauren about having sex with him, and she's still not interested. He storms off, so she sits down for a chat with Jeeter, who just happens to be walking along the beach at exactly the same time. Amongst other things, they discuss Jeeter's dream, and Lauren suggests that it might be caused by a traumatic event that he's trying to block. Which, uh, seems kinda obvious really.

Boopsie shows up too, and drags Jeeter off to her house, under the pretence of heading to see Harry. “I can't go to the hospital dressed like this,” she explains. But oh, it's a ruse and she's trying to seduce him! So Jeeter does the purple thing again.


Before he's even recovered, Scud's at the door and proceeds to throw Jeeter into a book shelf. Boopsie tries to explain that it's all for money, but Scud doesn't quite grasp the concept: “You take money for extra joy? You slut-hobo!” While they're puzzling it out – and Scud does eventually realise the benefits of the proposition – Jeeter walks off nursing his head.

He's not home for long before Amber shows up, but they're soon joined by Scud and Boopsie. While the girls are arguing, Scud and Jeeter share a bro-ment on the beach. There are, Scud says, five reasons why Jeeter needs him around to help with his “mental problems with girls”.


“One, you need a manly role model. Two, Scud manly man who make good role model. Two...”

“Three,” suggests Jeeter. “Three,” Scud concedes, “I introduce you to high class women. And five...”

“Four,” prompts Jeeter.

“Four,” repeats Scud. “I forget four. We walk now.” And so they do, right back to the brothel where it all began. This time though, it's run by a different madame, who asks about Jeeter.

“That's Joiter,” Scud explains. “He'll need A-number-one cavity to place his male organ wiener glans into.” The madame and Scud walk upstairs, where he has another purple moment after seeing the door from his dreams. Eventually managing to open it, he's confronted with the following sight:


It's not entirely clear what the hell that is, but it's there, and it's enough to make Jeeter run from the building. “Looks like my friend suffer from premature evacuation,” Scud remarks to some prostitutes.

Later on that night, Lauren and Karl are trying to patch things up on the beach. And things seem to be patching up pretty well, so Karl tries one last time to seduce her.



She's not so convinced, so Karl tries to rape her. Fortunately, Jeeter has been running around since daylight and wanders onto the beach in time to rescue Lauren. As a reward, she heads back to his place and tells him about another time she was almost raped. Jeeter's into that whole tragic scene though, so it gives him the courage to put his hand on her shoulder. Immediately after, they fall in love and there's a montage, during which they have sex.


Harry sees them asleep afterwards and smiles proudly, which is pretty creepy: imagine if your parent(s) did it. Yikes.


Lauren can't stay however – she's got to work. Bumping into Harry on her way out, he tells her not to worry about even showing up and hands her the cheque, but she's not interested. Instead, he gives her a lift to work and proceeds to happily tell the other two girls all about it while Lauren's out back changing, except for the bit about her not wanting the money.

Hours later, Boopsie and Amber are still talking about it, so when Jeeter drops by the Bunny Hole to give Lauren flowers, he overhears the whole proposition, and assumes the worst. So he goes home and stares at the world's saddest cupcake for a while before knocking it onto the floor.


Beula comes by and invites him to dinner, but it's all part of her plan to make him appear crazy. Sure enough, The Amazing Foreskin shows up to join them at the restaurant. He hypnotises Jeeter, who goes into the ladies' toilets and rips a girl's shirt off.


You might get away with that sort of thing in some sex comedies (most even) but unfortunately the cops are right in the restaurant ready to haul Jeeter off to jail. Will he be put away for life in a mental institution? Will he forgive Lauren? What happened to him in the brothel? All is revealed in half an hour of extraneous movie that really doesn't need to be there, including some bizarre sub-plot involving the girls getting jobs at the brothel and a court case that drags badly so badly it feels like a three hour telemovie. And has all the humour of one.


Buford's Beach Bunnies is even a pretty enjoyable blast up until that point. It's just the last half hour that kills any momentum the film might have been building - the Lauren-Jeeter love montage feels like too much of a climax for the conclusion to retain your attention, especially once the sub-plots just keep on coming.

Ultimately, it's not the worst sex comedy from that period, even if it is far from the best. The characters have some degree of depth, the direction isn't as awful as Pirro's reputation for cheapness might suggest, and the three lead bunnies are super attractive (especially Monique Parent, in one of her first roles). There's even something approaching chemistry between Jeeter and Lauren.

Plus, as a added bonus, Jim Hanks isn't even half as fucking irritating as his older brother.

- Alistair Wallis

Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens (1979)

Directed by Russ Meyer
Starring Kitten Natividad, Ann Marie, Sharon Hill, June Mack
Rated X
USA

"I don't eat pussy. It's un-American."

Unless you count 2001's glorified tit-loop Pandora Peaks - and no one does, really - Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens is Russ Meyer's last official film. There are conflicting reports why. Some say Meyer felt that he'd already gone as far as he could go with his sex n' violence epics without tipping over into hardcore territory, something he vowed never to do. While it is true that Ultra Vixens is as close as he ever went to showing full-on penetration, sex scenes were hardly the biggest attraction to Meyer's films. This hitting-the-wall-of-X argument seems a little too convenient, especially since Russ himself announced his next proposed film - The Jaws of Vixen - at the end of this one. He'd also announced a fistful of other film projects around this period of time, as well, including Up the Valley of the Beyond, Blitzen, Vixen, and Harry, Mondo Topless II, and the Breast of Russ Meyer, an often threatened but never produced twelve hour videography/auto-biography. More likely, Meyer just couldn't raise the necessary funds to get any of these films off the ground. Certainly, the market had changed quite a bit at the dawn of the video age, and sexploitation films were being made on a sliver of the average Meyer budget by part-time pornographers like Chuck Vincent and Ed Hansen.

At any rate, this premature end to Russ's filmmaking resume did not do the old boy much harm. He made millions in the 80's and 90's selling his films to the home video market, and this more leisurely lifestyle afforded him the opportunity to spend more time doing what he loved best - banging big-breasted women. But as career finales go, Ultra Vixens is a bit of a letdown, especially in light of his two previous efforts, Supervixens (1975) and Up! (1976). Both of those films were drive-in classics, filled with epically beautiful women, two-fisted macho men, and an extraordinary amount of gratuitous nudity and violence. They also had intricate, metaphor-laden plots. Sure, neither one made much sense, but it was obvious that Meyer had some specific vision in mind when he made them. In contrast, Ultra Vixens seems trite and episodic. Written by frequent Meyer collaborator Roger Ebert, it's a thinly-veiled statement of Meyer's inherent homophobia stretched into 92 minutes of grinding monologues and pointless softcore sex scenes. On the plus side, it's absolutely the best place to see Kitten Nativadid strut her stuff, since she's in nearly every scene, usually naked, and on pneumatic sexual overdrive. It's also the best place to ogle the jaw-dropping Ann Marie (AKA Kathy Ayers), a truly gravity-defying freak of nature/science. Gorgeous and impossible all at once, Ann Marie is worth the price of admission all on her own. It is a pity that her filmic resume amounts to this, a cameo in Supervixens, and the little-seen '76 sexploiter Swinging Sorority Girls, because I could pretty much watch Ann Marie do her thing everyday. Just not in this movie.

Russ's cinematic arch nemesis, elusive ex-Nazi Martin Borman (Henry Rowland, RIP) is alive and well in Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens. This time around, he's the owner of a funeral home. As our story opens, we get a glimpse into his particular sexual dysfunction - he likes to cover himself up with a sheet and fuck chicks in coffins. The chick in question is busty blonde radio evangelist Miss Eufala Roop (Ann Marie), who mounts Mr. Borman in his favorite casket after a vigorous game of Pong on her Odyssey console. Hardcore video game nerds will be confused as to what parts to freeze-frame when they furiously masturbate to this scene.

Cut to: The Man from Small Town, USA (long-standing Meyer troupe member Stuart Lancaster, RIP), who introduces all of the film's character's in one of Russ Meyer's most long-winded, tongue twisting monologues. As it is with most of Russ's "Small towns", the population hovers at around a dozen people, at least half of which are oversexed women with painfully inflated chests.

Lamar (Ken Kerr), is our tragic hero. He doesn't want any problems, really. It's late at night, and he's got to do the books. And that's exactly what he's doing, carefully crunching numbers at the kitchen table, using his new-fangled beeping calculator. His bosomy wife Lavonia (Kitten Natividad, acting exactly like an alley cat overdosing on catnip) waits for him in bed, but when he ignores her fully-nude come-ons, she gets positively aggressive, climbing under the table to slobber on his crotch while he works. Lamar can take it no longer. He bends Lavonia over the table and forcibly sodomizes her. That's his thing, you see. Lavonia is not happy about this rear-entry bullshit, so she throws on a mini-dress and takes off into the night, presumably to find a bag of ice to sit down on.

Well, first she stops by the junkyard, where Small Town's "Garbage Czar", Mr. Peterbuilt (Pat Wright, Bikini Car Wash Company) bones her in a more socially acceptable manner. In the front seat of his garbage truck.

The message of this scene, and indeed the whole film, is that Lamar's predilection for butt sex is the source of all his problems. If he could only learn to "fuck straight", as our narrator suggests, everything would be ok. So, let's see if he can be pummeled and girl-raped enough to suit Meyer's heterosexual ideal by the end of this story, shall we?

While lonely Lamar snoozes and Lavonia exercises her vagina, Eufala Roop is busy at the Rio Dio 100,000 Watts AM Christian radio station, practicing what she refers to as 'Radio Healing'. Just put your afflicted body part against the speaker, and she'll fix it right up for you. Seems valid.

The next morning, everything's back to normal. Lamar heads off to work at Junkyard Sal's, while Lavonia goes skinny-dipping and bangs Rhett (Steve Tracey, Class Reunion) a 14 year old kid who was swimming the backstroke in the creek. He was relatively easy to find, since his penis was sticking up above the water like a periscope. Lamar, once again, tries to stay out of trouble, but after a hard day of whatever it is you do at a junkyard, he is called into Sal's office/boudoir to work some overtime. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

A word, before we continue, about June Mack, AKA Junkyard Sal. Mack was not, by any stretch, one of Meyer's classic beauties. A 250 lb cosmetic surgery addict, Mack was a notorious and well-known figure on the seedier streets of Hollywood, both for her specialty modeling spreads - readily available in grubby mags catering to plus sized women - and for her lucrative phone sex service. Despite her rather braying performance in UltraVixens, Mack was known far and wide for her uncanny ability to bring men to trembling orgasms via the telephone. Her phone sex business was so lucrative that she zipped around town in a purple Rolls Royce, dressed in elaborate dresses and wigs, her 66 Double G bras stuffed with thousands of dollars in cash. Clearly, Miss Mack was a woman who knew how to party, which is probably what attracted Russ Meyer. That and her gigantic tits, I imagine. Sadly, this much larger than life LA fixture - an actual, living, breathing Ultra Vixen - was gunned down in the street in 1984, the victim of multiple murderer William Mentzer, an "occult superstar" tenuously linked to Charlie Manson, the Son of Sam, and the Zodiac Killer.

Umm, sorry to bring everybody down. June Mack, RIP. Now, back to the antics.

Lamar allows Sal to sit on his face - she pretty much swallows it whole - and in exchange, she lets him bang her in the ass. That seems fair to me. However, halfway through his backdoor romp, he is interrupted by his two idiot co-workers, Tyrone (Aram Katcher, RIP) and Badger (Don Scarborough), who were peeping through the window the entire time. Lamar kicks their asses all over the junkyard. Tyrone, being a coward by nature, bleeds yellow. Badger, a jealous and petty man, bleeds green. At least, that's they idea. They really just look like they're spitting up baby food.

Sal's had enough of everybody's hijinks, so she fires the lot of 'em. Good thing Lavonia - after an eventful visit with a traveling lingerie salesman and a "Spanish Made Simple" book - has taken up stripping at a Mexican gentleman's club. Of course, Lamar doesn't know this - yet. But take it from a man who's been fired from every job he's ever had: a strip club and a cold beer is a fine way to dull the sting of sudden dismissal. Lamar heads into bordertown nudie bar The Other Ball to drown his sorrows, only to find Lavonia shaking her ample maracas for the local riff raff. Here's the thing, though - Lamar doesn't recognize her. This is possibly because she's facing him, and he's generally an ass-first sort of guy. Seizing her chance to fix her fucked-up hubby, she slips the dope a Mickey. He immediately passes out, and she drags him into a squalid bedroom upstairs, where she proceeds to tie him to the bed and sleep-bang him, hoping that this will somehow cure him of his anal obsession.

After she's finished with him - and after he's dutifully flooded the old "black sock" - Lavonia shocks him awake with smelling salts. She jabbers away in excited Spanish, convincing the groggy and confused Lamar that he's with another woman, and her angry Mexican husband - and his death squad posse - are due back home any minute now. Miraculously, this bullshit seems to work. Lamar dives out the window and gets out of Dodge.

Unfortunately, by the time Lamar gets home, Lavonia is already fucking Peterbuilt again. Lamar catches them in the act but Lavonia thinks quickly, burning Peterbuilt's balls with a lightbulb and trying to convince Lamar he'd forced himself on her. Even a dimwit like Lamar can see through that, so he drags his wayward wife to see Dr Lavender (Robert Pearson), Small Town's resident marriage counselor/dentist. As his name would imply, the kindly Doc is a flouncing, Rip Taylor-esque caricature of a gay man, complete with a lisp and a cigarette holder.

Lamar explains his problem to the doc. Lavender is sure he can get to the bottom of things, but first he has to clean Lavonia's teeth. This affords his gorgeous assistant, Nurse Flovilla Thatch (Sharon Hill, perhaps best known as the nurse zombie in Dawn of the Dead), the opportunity to give Lamar a thorough check-up.

This turns out to be a bad idea for everybody. Dr Lavender, presumably because he doesn't like girls, intentionally hurts Lavonia when he's working on her teeth. Meanwhile, Lamar throws Flovilla on the desk and butt-rapes her. When she protests, he laments, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Hearing this cry for help, Doc Lavender decides they should all change places. Flovilla busts out a double-dildo and gets to work on Lavonia, while Lavender rips off his trousers and attempts to bone Lamar. Lamar calls the doctor a 'fag' and runs for it. Naturally, he ends up hiding in the closet. Where else? While the girls pleasure one another in a spectacularly shot girl-girl scene (if only Russ could've lingered there, instead of cross-cutting with the Tom and Jerry bullshit, he might have been able to pass this whole mess off as erotica!), the Doc uses a series of cartoon weapons - crowbar, mallet, shotgun, chainsaw - to get Lamar out of the closet. When he finally rips the door off, Lamar hits him so hard his toupee falls off. He bleeds pink, natch. Then Lamar yanks his wife off of the nurse and splits.

Desperate, Lamar drives over to see Sister Eufala Roop,hoping that perhaps she can save him with her considerable healing powers. She throws him into a bathtub and baptizes/fucks him, her giant boobs clanging against his head like church bells. It seems to do the trick, and he literally runs home to his wife.

As you might expect, given her track record, she's busy having sex with Peterbuilt, although he's showing signs of boredom with this particular routine.

To make an extremely long story slightly shorter, Lamar comes home, punches out Peterbuilt, and satisfies his wife and her vagina.

Oh, and then there's a gratuitous Russ Meyer cameo.

And then there's a gratuitous Ushi Digard (Supervixens, CB Hustlers, The Car Hops) cameo, as our yappy narrator slips back into his Supervixens role as a chicken-fucking farmer with a hot Austrian mail-order bride.

If just about any other filmmaker created Ultra Vixens, it would be their high water mark, their mesmerizing, desert-bound, all-nude masterpiece. But some other fucker did not make it, Russ Meyer did, and for a giant like him, this is clearly one of his lower-tier films. To call a Russ Meyer film tedious feels like heresy, but unfortunately, it fits the bill here. While it is still worth a look - pants on or off, your choice - for the breathtaking charms of Ann Marie, the sunny 70's supergirl beauty of Sharon Hill, and the power-packed fuck n' roll energy of Kitten Natividad, all the bullshit in-between is a slog to get through, and the homophobic vibe threaded throughout the film just feels square. A rare miss for the King of Skin Cinema, and a badly timed one, as well. I guess the moral here is: Make every film as if it's your last. Because it may very well be.

- Ken McIntyre

Takin' It All Off (1987)

Directed by Ed Hansen
Starring Candie Evans, Kitten Natividad, Buck Flower
Unrated
USA

"Oh, great, here comes the resident douchebag. Fuck off, banana sucker."

Takin' It All Off is strange for a lot of reasons, but perhaps the most prominent is that it's actually two (terrible) films at the same time. On the one hand, it's a direct sequel to 1985's Takin' It Off. In fact, it begins with TIO star Betty Big Ones (Kitten Natividad), now "the world's most famous stripper", zooming around in a limo while she tweaks her nipples. But then it abruptly cuts to a stripper school taught by a mincing John F Goff and attended by porn star Candie Evans and Brit Page 3 girl Gail Harris. And that, of course, is exactly the scenario and cast of Hansen's other '87 production, Party Favors. So what, exactly, was Ed Hansen trying to do here? Did he think no one would notice?

I bet that's exactly what he thought.

Becky LeBeau (Joysticks, Hollywood Hot Tubs) stars as Becky (easier to remember that way), who has started this free-to-attend erotic aerobics school. While admission is gratis, the girls must agree to give Becky 20% of their earnings after graduation in perpetuity, which seems a little extreme to me. However, since no one has a job yet, the school is in debt, and if they don't come up with $4,000 in 30 days, they'll get shut down. Obviously, they need stripper jobs to save the school.


But first, the girls all take a shower. And then, somewhere else entirely, Kitten takes a shower. So there's that.

Allison (Candie Evans) has come to LA from god knows where to be a professional actor/dancer. Her dad (Buck Flowers) sold the hog farm to pay for her lessons, and they have come to naught, so as a last ditch effort, she shows up at Becky's school, with Buck in tow. A topless Becky waltzes in and asks Allison to audition, so she slips into a pink leotard and dances around. Everybody loves it, and she joins the gang. Then Elliot (Goff) announces that he's got them all an audition with his friend Bobby, who owns a strip club. They all trundle over to Bobby's patio (the same patio that served as a fat farm in Takin' It Off), and all the girls perform strip routines - in real time, mind you - except for Allison, who can't bring herself to bare any flesh.

Bobby is disappointed, but tells Eliot he'll hire the whole crew if Allison whips 'em out. Elliot spends the month trying to train Allison in the art of top-doffing, but it's an uphill battle. In the meantime, she falls in love with the towel boy, Adam (Geno Hart; his twin brother Dash co-stars as a moron). Becky remembers that Betty Big Ones had the same healthy aversion to public nudity once, and that she got hypnotized to get over it. Elliot tells Becky he'll call her and ask her about it. This gives Hansen the golden opportunity to insert several minutes of Kitten's strip routine in the first movie. In an editing choice worthy of Ed Wood, Betty walks off the stage naked and then enters her dressing room clothed and with a different haircut.

Elliot asks Betty about the hypnotism, which gives Hansen yet another chance to recycle footage, this time of that crazy fuckin' doctor Lucifer Chaser. He makes a rare housecall to see Allison, and hypnotizes her while "Boing!" noises are heard on the soundtrack. The trick works, and Allison does her first striptease on the patio. This is followed by another dance from Kitten, this time to a cheeseball metal song.


Here's the problem, though: now every time Allison hears the Takin' It Off theme song, she strips. Even at a restaurant, or the laundromat, or in the middle of a park, in front of nuns (and a black guy dressed up like a robot)! Clearly, this cannot go on, so Eliot flits off to find Lucifer so he can reverse the curse. Betty Big Ones suggests that Alison take a long, hot shower while they're waiting. And so she does.

Lucifer gets arrested for inciting pagan orgies at the old folk's home, so he cannot reverse the hypnosis spell on Allison. He gives the cops the slip, and yells something about "desire reversal' to Betty on the way out. And then they all go to Bobby's club for their big debut show. Will Allison ever be free of her curse? Will she find true love with the retarded towel boy? Will we find out 'desire reversal' means? Will it turn out to be fucking stupid? Will the cops finally catch up with the elusive Dr Chaser? And is this whole shoddy mess worth the gargantuan effort it takes to sit through it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no.

Seriously, even Ed and Buck had to be a little embarrassed with this one. Total junk. I'll give 'em one thing, though: they did not cheat on the title. There's a lot of fuzzy 80's bush on display. Oh, and LeBeau's tits are amazing, even if her acting is not.

Availability: Takin' It All Off is available on VHS.

-Ken McIntyre