Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Starring Charity Rahmer, Tamie Sheffield, Summer Williams, Lunk Johnson
Rated R
USA
“This pep squad has nothing to cheer about!”

Mcpherson (John Colton) is a ruthless, serial killing beast of a man running loose in the ‘woods up north’. Bodies are piling up in the campgrounds and the sheriff is on the hunt. Meanwhile, a group of jiggly 29-32 year old high school cheerleaders are getting picked off, Slumber Party Massacre style, in their own locker room. And if that’s not bad enough, they are headed - you guessed it -up North.

But first, an ass-first shower scene to get the juices flowing.

Written by longtime Wynorski cohort Lenny “Lunk Johnson” Juliano - AKA annoying reality show host/perv Cliff Probate from Bare Naked Survivor - and littered with Wynorski’s usual gang of booby girls, Cheerleader Massacre is theoretically the fourth film in the Slumber Party Massacre series. Hence, the SPM poster redux, and the opening locker room kill scene, which pays homage to Brinke Stevens’ similar demise in the 1982 original. Stevens even returns as her original character in a brief, witless cameo. However, there is no slumber party. You’d think that would be the first plot point you’d write in. Perhaps that’s why the title changed midstream from “Slumber Party Massacre IV” to “Cheerleader Massacre”. Of course, that title is a little misleading as well. The main characters are, theoretically, cheerleaders, but they don’t have uniforms, and they never actually perform any cheers.

But, you know, let’s not get bogged down in ephemera.

Detective Demarco (caustic Lusty Busty Babe-a-Que host Melissa Brasselle) peers at a Fresno map (fun fact: Cheerleader Massacre was actually shot in Alaska) and promises the chief that she’ll get her man by the end of the day. Meanwhile, busty hiker Debbie (Nikki Fritz, Bikini Drive-in, Evil Toons), still rocking an ‘87 era Walkman as she strolls the woods, gets a frantic phone call from her mother about the killer in her midst. Mom wants her to hoof it home the short way - via the rickety rope bridge. Against her better judgment, top-heavy Fritz does exactly that, but is undone by McPherson, who cuts the rope and sends her sailing to her death on the rocks below. This effect appears to have been achieved by tossing the camera off the bridge.
Buzzy (Juliano) has foolishly agreed to drive the cheerleader squad to their game up north. Clearly, his intentions are carnal - he figures if her plays this right, he can score with the fetching Coach Hendricks (knockout Tamie Sheffield, who is not only a former cheerleader, but attended Fresno State University - clearly, she was born for this role).

Unfortunately, his boner parry is put on hold when the van is stopped at a highway roadblock.. Seems there was a nasty accident, so he’ll have to find an alternate route. Luckily, he knows a shortcut - right through the woods, naturally.

There is a lot of police procedural bullshit in this movie. You should probably know that up front. Half of the movie is dudes in rented cop uniforms getting in and out of their cars. This is a shame, because there’s a whole van full of superhot girls (Charity Rahmer, April Flowers, Erin Byron, Summer Williams) who could be taking showers or lez-zing out, instead.
Speaking of which said van runs out of gas before the crew reaches the highway, forcing them to brave the cold and snow (Is Fresno in the arctic part of California?) on foot.

One of the rangers figures out that the murders at the high school and in the woods are all related. Basically, Mcpherson is responsible for every murder in California, including several of the cops who are chasing him around in the woods. He even steals a cop car. Holy smokes.

The ranger heads over to see Linda (Brinke Stevens), Mcpherson’s first victim from Slumber Party Massacre. She clearly died in that movie, but whatever. At least it affords us an opportunity to watch a five minute clip of the first film. Ah, remember production values? After the flashback, the ranger splits. Did we learn anything? No. Well, we learned that Brinke Stevens is pretty far away from her shower scenes days at this point. That’s about it.

Rahmer, Flowers: "So, we can't find a phone...but we did find some board games!"

So, the cheerleaders stumble upon sheriff Monty’s cabin. Monty is the one who caught Mcpherson in the first movie. He’s not the same actor, though. Neither is Mcpherson. Anyway, he’s not home when they get there, so they guzzle his booze and play Scrabble.

46 minutes in, Wynorski awards you for your patience with a glorious Tami Sheffield shower scene. It’s as if he knew that you were about to shut this drivel off to surf Tube 8. Jim Wynorski knows what he’s doing, man.

Slasher movie hijinks ensue. Former porn starlet Flowers has a pretty good sex scene and then a headless guy knocks on the door, prompting the girls to find whatever weapons they can and prepare for a battle to the death with the crazed killer from 1982.

You know the rest, right? No need to belabor the obvious. There’s a goofy twist and the inevitable sequel set-up.

Cheerleader Massacre is a slapdash slasher with no gore to speak of, bizarre seasonal changes from one scene to the next, no real connection to the films it’s supposed to be following up, and a look that suggests consumer grade camcorder. In other words, just another lost weekend in the wild, wild world of Jim Wynorski. Trash fiends will dig its junky flavors, Fritz's prat-falling, and Sheffield's breathtaking rack. Anyone expecting anything featured in the poster, however - chainsaws or cheerleaders or an actual massacre - are in for a disappointment. You’ll get over it, though.

Clip: Cheerleader Massacre trailer!

- Ken McIntyre

PS: Late breaking news: Cheerleader Massacre 2 will be out soon! And it's X-rated!

Interview: Kelli Maroney

Kelli Maroney is the undisputed queen of mallsploitation. Her twin-titan roles both took place in empty shopping malls during the height of the excess-is-best 1980's. In 1984 she
played Samantha, the gun-toting, curly-haired cheerleader fending off the advances of cosmic zombies while looking for love at the end of the world in Night of the Comet. Brought to brilliant, bratty life by the young, enthusiastic Maroney, Comet remains the actress's high water mark. Who else could so effectively pout "Dad would have bought us Uzis!" while taking potshots at mutants in a cheerleader outfit? Two years later, she returned to the mall as Allison in Jim Wynorski's cult favorite Chopping Mall, the unlikely tale of Dalek-ish mall security robots gone awry. Both films are perfect snapshots of the dayglo decade, and remain late night cable TV and weekend movie rental standards, largely because of Kelli's sunny presence.

So where did this heavily armed valley girl come from, anyway? Well, from Minnesota, of course. Kelli grew up in the Midwest, moved to New York while still in her teens, and landed her first acting job at the tender age of 17, playing hot-to-trot lolita Kimberly Harris on soap opera Ryan's Hope. In 1982, she got her first movie role, as the optimistic cheerleader in the landmark teen comedy Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It was her Fast Times appearance that ultimately led her to Comet, Chopping Mall, and enduring cult actress status.

A plucky blonde with an endearing, gum-snapping chirp and a generous smile that could melt a glacier, Kelli's slim-but-substantial resume is rife with memorable B-movie roles, many under the fast n' furious direction of trash maestro Jim Wynorski, who utilized her in a variety of quirky roles, from Angie Dickinson's grand-daughter in Big Bad Mama 2 (1987), to a potentially other-worldly nurse in his 1988 remake of Roger Corman's Not of This Earth. Whatever the role, Kelli always brought her impish charisma and easy grace with her, and the cult of Maroney grew. As the 1990's wore on, she slipped into television roles, doing guest spots on shows like the Pretender and Chicago Hope, effectively leaving the world of killer robots and teenage comet zombies behind her. And then, at the dawn of the next decade, she disappeared from the Hollywood radar completely. At least for awhile. So where did Kelli go, and more compellingly, why did she come back? Well, as the ever buoyant Ms. Maroney tells us, it all started with a maddeningly catchy song.

"It was a literal shock that someone wrote a song about me." Kelli says. Said song, the provocatively titled "Kelli Maroney Don't Exist No More", was written by German punk band Almost Charlie, and spilled the beans about Maroney's defection to Planet Normal. Fearing that she would never break away from her b-movie status, Kelli changed her name to Zoe Kelli Simon and left acting completely for a spell in the early part of this decade. And she thought she got away with it, too. Until the song started making the rounds.
"See, I decided to go off and see if I could do something else with my life besides be an actress. I started out so young that I didn't know if I could do anything else. So I did that, but part of what I had to do was change my name so I didn't have to hear 'Hey, you're that girl from the Comet movie...how come you're not doing that anymore?' wherever I went. So I did that, and the next thing you know, there's this song."

Ultimately, the song drove Kelli back to her first love, but not before she spent a few years outside the crazy walls of Hollywood.
"I went on a spiritual quest." She says. "I just wasn't as successful as I wanted to be as an actress. I tried every single avenue that I could think of, and I just wasn't making a living at it, honestly. And I thought, am I just doing this because I don't know how to do anything else?"

Determined to test the waters, Kelli legally changed her name to Zoe Kelli Simon, and began to work as a massage therapist. "I did well at it", she says, "but the problem was, you don't want to be like, 'Hey, I got a massage from that girl from Night of the Comet! By the same token, you don't want to hire somebody that works in holistic health care to play a part. They don't coexist well."

I suggest that there are plenty of people that would pay extra to get a massage from the Night of the Comet girl.
"Well, see, that would be the wrong reason." She laughs. "So, I tried something else, and now I feel validating acting, because I feel like it's my choice. That song was really the kicker for me. I thought, well, why don't I come back? Who am I kidding anyway? I proved what I had to prove to myself. Honestly, that's what I am, that's what I do Plus, I had to grow into my age range, too. I had a very tough time getting out of that image, you know, 'I'm a teenager and I chew gum', because that's what I was famous for. I was a Lolita on the soaps, then I was the snotty cheerleader, and it was hard for me to grow up."

Kelli is still well known for her days as a torrid teenage soap opera actress, a role that took her by surprise.
"I left home to study acting in New York", she tells me. "Even though I was still very young, I was finished with high school when I got there. I was a smart kid. I was going to conservatory school in upstate New York when I got the job. It was completely unexpected. One minute I'm walking around town, the next minute I'm on television, and it's huge."

Sudden fame was not an easy transition for the young actress.
"Oh my god. People would come up to me in the deli and go, 'You're terrible!', she laughs. "I understand it, though. My character was the pits. It was dreadful. Everyone hated me. And this was my first job! I didn't have the self esteem for that all. Still, I was acting, so that was cool."

Emboldened by her early success in television, Kelli decided to take a stab at the movies.She managed to score a couple of juicy roles, including her wide-eyed cheerleader in Fast Times at Ridgemont High in 1982, and a surprisingly dark character in the obscure 1983 thriller Slayground.

"In Slayground, I play this jailbait hitchhiker", she tells me. When I get picked up, you think that I'm toast, but I'm actually a killer. They play "Bad to the Bone" beneath me. I'm wearing cowboy boots and smoking a cigarette, I was trying to look tough. Trying to give Jodie Foster a run for her money!" She laughs.

Night of the Comet was released in 1984 to little fanfare, but it became a surprise hit. The story's premise is deceptively simple: one night, a comet shows up, and turns everyone in the world into dust, except for a lucky few who happened to be enclosed in metal containers at the time. Two such lucky specimens include 18 year old Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) and her 16 year old cheerleader sister Samantha (Maroney). The sisters set out looking for survivors, and boyfriends, all the while dodging a sinister governmental agency and the occasional green skinned zombie. Eventually they hole up in an abandoned shopping mall, and hilarity and horror ensues.

Kelli says she got involved in the film because the director had seen her in Fast Times.
"Initially, my character was supposed to die in the movie, so they wanted somebody real obnoxious, like my cheerleader character in Fast Times. I had no idea any of this was going on. I wanted to read for Regina, because I thought it was a cooler part. And they said 'No, you're not doing that.' So then I went back to New York, as I'm wont to do, and I didn't think anymore of it. Then they called me up asking me where I was, because they wanted to start shooting. No one bothered to tell me I got the part!"

Despite it's paltry $750,000 budget, the film still managed to impress, thanks to its achingly funny script and it's effortlessly sunny protagonists. In the original script, Kelli's character Samantha was killed by evil government agents midway through the film, but as the cameras rolled and Kelli shined, Samantha was granted a last-minute reprieve.
"The reason that I didn't die is because one of the producers said, 'If we kill this character, the audience will walk out.' So they changed the script on the spot."

Despite a thumbs-up from Siskel and Ebert and brisk box office business, Night of the Comet had a very brief theatrical run. Still, it became a certified cult classic once it began playing on cable television, and fans have been clamoring for a DVD release ever since. In 2008, MGM finally got around to doing that, but not in the way Kelli might have hoped.

"I would always get these letters on my website no less than five times a week asking, 'When's the DVD? Where's Part 2? And there was some weird thing with the rights every time. Tom wanted to do a cartoon of it, people have always wanted to do a sequel, this and that, and no one could ever get it together. A lot of the letters would go, Can't you do something about it? I thought, why can't I? If nobody else wants to dig this thing up, why don't I? So I lawyered up, we called MGM, and I said I wanted to buy it. Everything was going along, and then a couple days later they called me and up said, 'We're going to release it ourselves.' I was crushed. They released it with no extras, and they didn't have a budget for a DVD launch party, nothing. There was nothing in the budget for publicity or anything at all. They don't even know it's a cult classic. I think when somebody offers to buy back their property it makes them aware of it. I think all I did was tip them off. And they made good money off it. It was in their top 100 sales. At least they released it under MGM-Turner Classics. Chances are, they might do another release with extras, but I don't know what their plans are, they don't share them with me." She laughs.

Two years after her pioneering work in Comet, Kelli was called back to the mall to appear in Chopping Mall, a low-budget slasher directed by Jim Wynorski and produced by Roger Corman, featuring Kelli, Barbara Crampton, an array of bad hair and worse clothes, and a few dumpy garbage can robots with lasers. Low on finances and brains but high on cheese and goofy charm, it remains a guilty pleasure for 80's trash-film fans.
"It was had a blast playing Samantha in Comet, and I guess Jim Wynorski had seen that and tapped me for Chopping Mall", Kelli remembers. "I was all excited to do this movie because Robert Short designed the robots. He also did Darryl Hannah's tail in Splash. He's a huge special effects guy. So I thought this was going to be a really classy movie. So we're doing some dialogue, and suddenly it dawns on me - once again, I'm on a comedy shoot."

Chopping Mall was shot entirely in a shopping mall. Filming was done after hours, which made for a very memorable shooting schedule.
"We had to set that thing back up every morning", she remembers. "They were still using that mall. We couldn't get in there until they shut down all the stores and we had to have it spic and span for them to open it in the morning. That was tough. I don't know how the crew did it. They would go over this place with a fine tooth comb."

Another memorable aspect of the Chopping Mall shoot - also recounted on the DVD's commentary track - was its underwhelming catering.
"It was Mama Cajun's catering company", Kelli vividly remembers. "They're no longer in business." She laughs. "We couldn't tell what it was they were feeding us. We couldn't figure out what was on our plates, we called them possum patties and weasel strips. The one time I hit critical mass on the catering was...you know those little pill cups you get in the hospital? So they were all spread out, like a million of them. They had whipped cream on top, and I figured there was a cookie or a piece of something underneath. Nope. It was just a little dollop of whipped cream in a pill cup. That was dessert. It was a real tragedy. There was one time during filming when Wynorksi had all the air let out of his tires by the crew. It wasn't much of a surprise."

Still, despite the low-budget limitations, Kelli enjoyed working with Wynorski, and they went on to collaborate on several other projects throughout the 1980's.
"He'd call me up when he needed something fast", she says. "He'd say, "I have Traci Lords down here, I want to put you guys in matching nurse outfits, can you do that?" and I'd say sure, and we'd got and do it. So we racked up quite a few films together without noticing it. I always got along great with him."

While Kelli enjoyed her work in b-movies, she continued shooting for the stars.
"If I told you all the things I was almost in", she sighs. "Like, while I was doing Night of the comet, I got cast in a Woody Allen picture, but I couldn't do it, they wouldn't let me go to New York to do it. It was Purple Rose of Cairo. I was going to be the actress in the movie, the Jean Harlow type. I try not to dwell on that stuff, though. That's just the way this business is, either you've got no roles, or you've got three of them."

Frustrated with her lack of A-level success in the movies, Kelli spent the next decade back where she got her start, in television. And it was during one notable guest spot where she finally defined herself as an actress.
"As I got older, people were always throwing me these victim roles. I wanted to scream 'Haven't you seen my work?!' Because they hadn't. Someone would tell them I was in this zombie thing, and they'd make an assumption. The last thing I did before I was hung up my towel the first time was I did Chicago Hope in 1999. Mark Harmon's character had flashbacks of his growing up to explain what his problem was. So I played his mother in black and white flashbacks. And I killed myself because I couldn't take the abuse that was going on in the house. I was a total victim. It really turned me off. I decided I didn't want to act if I had to play victims. I have that unlikely hero instinct, and I feel there's enough people crashing and burning, we don't need to see that. My contribution to this art form is the triumph of the human spirit, not the despair of it."

And so Kelli took her indomitable spirit and left the business. She began working for day spas, got married in 2001, and settled into her new life. And then that damned song showed up, and it all unraveled. These days, she's single again and back to what she loved doing so much in the first place - playing spunky characters in quirky movies.

"I love horror movies." She says. "I love supernatural stuff as opposed to gore. The one I'm doing now, Nightmare Carnival, my dream is for it to be one of those movies that really scares you. One that makes you go, I wish I hadn't seen that, because now I'm alone in the house and I'm scared! Movies like that always involve a mind-twist. It's not just about bloody stumps."
Kelli's other current project is called Shadow Land.
"Shadow Land is very Twin Peak-ish, very X files", she says, with a hint of mystery. "So that's fun. I'm in pre-production on both of those."

Not only is Kelli working again, she's also embracing her fanbase in a way she never has before, from maintaining an active Myspace page to making the convention rounds.
"There was no budget for Night of the Comet, so I started doing some conventions." She explains. "MGM doesn't even give me any DVDs for them, but I wanted to promote the movie. I'm a grassroots actress, and that's my favorite part of it. There's no studio forcing me down anyone's throat. People like me because they want to. Then, some friends suggested I put up a MySpace page. So I did that, and it was like Boom! I had no idea, really. This was right around the time that they started showing my soaps again, and I was invited to do a few chats with soap opera fans. I had no idea there were so many people who still hated me, to this day! But once they realized it was me, they couldn't talk bad about me anymore." She laughs. "But yeah, it's really cool. I had no idea so many people remembered me."

And so, things come full circle, a rare occasion in the slash and burn world of Hollywood. Kelli Maroney is back, and more enthusiastic about life than ever. When she's not acting, she's heavily involved in charity work, from the SPCA to Special Olympics. "I feel very blessed. I have no complaints at all", she says.

-Ken McIntyre

For more, check out Kelli Maroney's official website

Lusty Busty Babe-A-Que (2008)

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The Lost Empire (1985)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Starring Melanie Vincz, Raven De La Croix, Heather McClure Unrated
USA

"I'm very popular with the chicks."
"So why don't you go back to the farm and be popular?"

Lost Empire was originally slated to be shot in 3D, but the budget suffered some deep slashes before filming, and the three-dimensional gag was dropped. This did not stop first-time director Jim Wynorksi from trying to poke your eyeballs out with pencil-eraser nipples. I've never seen a non-stroke flick open with a close-up of cleavage before, but Lost Empire does exactly that. Clearly, Jim Wynorski paid attention in Russ Meyer's 'Heaving Pulchritude 101' class before launching into this one.

Said cleavage belongs to Anita Merritt (Serpent Princess, the mud wrestler chick in Stripes), a dramatic-looking blonde in a Chinatown jewelry shop. She picks out a shiny, diamond-encrusted bracelet, and hands the old guy behind the counter (Peter Pan - really!) a wad of cash. It's actually about $37, but I don't think you're supposed to look that close. The jeweler runs the cash through his credit card machine, for some reason. That was weird. After she leaves, a bunch of dudes in black hoods show up. The old guy shoots at them, but they have wildly-spinning throwing stars on a string, one of which embeds itself in the old guy's head, causing him to smash through the store's glass front door.

Then a bunch of cops show up to fight the hooded guys, and one cop gets stabbed, but then stabs the guy back. I think they're trying to steal a statue with a glowing red eye. Hard to say. Cut to a narrative scroll, ala Star Wars:

"In t a time before history, there existed a forgotten civilization - a strange, mystical race ruled by fierce creatures of myth and magic. They were called the Lemurians. To protect their great power, they implanted their secrets of super-science into a pair of incredible jewels - the Eyes of Avatar - shimmering stones that possessed a life of their own. Then, during a cosmic battle that nearly destroyed the Earth, the Lemurians were vanquished and the eyes were separated. It was written that whoever brought the jewels together again would rule with absolute power.

Today, and unscrupulous evil genius seeks to do just that...letting nothing or no one disrupt his nefarious plan. And so it has been - until now..."

Cut to: A tense stand-off between cops and kidnappers outside an elementary school. Some punks have taken a bunch of kids hostage in a classroom, and have demanded a chopper for a quick getaway. Instead, they get Inspector Angel Wolfe (Melanie Vincz), who rides in on her motorcycle, and shoots them all. In slow motion.

Later on that evening, she has sex with Rick (Paul Coufus), her mustachioed FBI agent boyfriend, on a bearskin rug, with a roaring fire in the background. They are luxuriating in the afterglow of their 70's style lovemaking when Angel gets a phone call.

She finds out that her rookie cop brother, Rob, has been critically injured. So she puts on a skintight silver jumpsuit to go see him.

Rob (Bill Thornbury), it turns out, is the cop that got stabbed by the ninja at the beginning. It doesn't look like he's going to make it. Angel, naturally, wants some answers. Rick is already on the case. He tells her about Lee Chuck. Lee Chuck is the evil genius from the scroll. He has to kill once every 24 hours for Satan. There's clearly a new Lee Chuck in town.

Angel, now dressed in a halter top, goes to the jewelry store to investigate, and runs into Inspector Charles Chang (Art Hern), a white dude with a Fu Manchu mustache, dressed like Charlie Chan.
"You've got to be kidding me," says Wolfe. I was thinking the same thing.
The missing Eye of the Avatar jumps into Wolfe's purse. She doesn't notice, even though it's glowing red. She has lunch with Chang and Rick, who explains that Chuck has one Eye of the Avatar, and he's desperately seeking the other. Also, there's a guy named Sin Do who has his own island, and he is somehow linked to Chuck.

Rob dies, so Wolfe wants to get revenge by blowing the lid off of Sin Do's operation. Rick tells her he holds competitions of some sort on his island, but he'll only take trios. So first Wolfe gets a perm, and then she goes to an Indian reservation, where she holds a white feather and calls out for "White Star" over a crackling fire. After a couple minutes, a big-titted chick (Russ Meyer girl Raven De Le Croix) in a porno Indian costume materializes on a white horse.
"White Star!"
"Well, who'd you expect, Tonto?"

White Star and Angel head over to a local bar, where Angel tells the whole sordid story over beers. White Star agrees to help her, and then they beat up a couple asshole cowboys. Afterward, they head over to the women's penitentiary to pick up their third girl, Heather (Angela Aames, RIP) just as she's having a fight with a leather-clad dominatrix(Angelique Pettyjohn, RIP) wielding a whip.

Lost Empire Girl Fight
by Sleazegrinder

Heather wins the fight, and later on, while she's taking a shower, Angel and White Star drop in to tell her she's getting paroled, as long as she goes with 'em to Sin Do's island.


She doesn't really like prison all that much, so she agrees. And so, our bosomy trio is complete.

After bullying their way into the competition, this bald guy with a crazy fake nose and eyebrows in a robe named Koro (Robert Tessier, RIP) picks our heroines and a bunch of other girls up in a tiny propeller plane and tells them he's taking them to the island of Golgotha.

"You will now surrender all alcohol, drugs, and stimulants of any kind," he says.
"I wonder if that includes vibrators?" Asks Heather.
Angel accidentally leaves her purse on top of Rick's car, and the plane takes off before he can give it to her. This will be important later.

After the girls get off the plane, they walk up a dirt road to a sci-fi matte painting. After a quick trip through a cave, they end up in what looks like an old Roger Corman spaceship set. They're given blue bathing suits with white belts to wear, and then they all get screwy medical exams.

One girl has to get naked in a big clear tube, and Angel gets her mouth shot full of white light. I think another girl got fisted, too. Can't be sure. One girl gets busted for being a spy, so Koro strangles her, just so everybody knows who's boss.
By the way, sometimes Koro has fake eyebrows, sometimes not. From one shot to another, I mean.

Meanwhile, back home, Rick is relaxing and watching TV when he hears a weird beeping sound. Instinctively, he grabs his gun (it's on an end-table next to a bottle of Wild Turkey and a pile of magazines - Playboy, Mad, and Cracked), and when he turns around, he sees a pink light emanating from his girlfriend's purse.
"Angel, I know now," he murmurs, "And I'm on my way."

Back at the island, Angel tries to sleep (in her bra), but somebody lets a tarantula loose in her bed. She smashes it, and it turns out to be robotic.
"I hate robot spiders," she says to the camera.

After a hard day of jumping jacks and archery, the girls sneak out to finds out what's really going on. They beat up some guards and take their robes, but the alarm goes up, and Sin Do sends a gorilla (!) out to look for them. White Star runs into a former competitor named Cindy (Linda Shayne, Screwballs) who was sent to the slave pit, where they sell the losers off to Arabs. Luckily, she escaped. Unluckily, the gorilla snatches her up. Bye, Cindy.

Some indeterminate time later, the girls are forced into gladiator fights while Sin Do sits in his office, watching on a black and white TV, stroking his snake. During a break in the action, White Star gets a message that she is to meet him for dinner. White Star wears a white fur bra for the occasion.

While she's dining with the boss, Angel and Heather are Scooby Dooing around the joint. They head down a dark hallway and end up in front of a giant iron gate where a bunch of girls are being held captive.

They eye all the horrors and vow to free the girls and kill the bad guys.
"What about the gorilla?" asks Heather.
"White Star gets dibs on the gorilla," says Angel.

Sin Do, meanwhile, tells White Star he wants her as his bride. Then he says, "Behold the Gorgon," and opens his robe. I guess his penis is called Gorgon? Anyway, a bunch of smoke pours out and White Star passes out. When she wakes up, she's naked, and a python is crawling around on her.

The next day, Sin Do decides to address the girls directly. No one's actually seen him yet. The girls are all assembled, and he comes out. He takes off his hood and reveals himself. He's the Tall Man, Angus Scrimm! He tells them an intruder has arrived, and although he was at first pissed, he's happy about it now, since said intruder brought the other Eye of the Avatar. It's Rick, that dummy. He's forced to fight Angel to the death, but they're clearly faking it, so Sin Do orders Koro to shoot them with his machine gun. Luckily, White star shows up with her bow and arrow, and mayhem ensues.

Angel chases down Sin Do and finds out his terrible secret. When she sees what it is, she does one of the greatest 'what-the-fuck' faces ever. It's a pretty awesome secret, but he takes an awfully long time explaining it, and if he doesn't kill Angel in five minutes, Satan will reclaim him. That's not really a spoiler, by the way, since Wynorski didn't offer any other characters for Lee Chuck to be. Ok, I guess this part is a spoiler: it turns out that he's only wearing an Angus Scrimm mask. He's actually a charred skeleton, and he's got an amazing laser weapon that looks just like a penis and balls.

The ending is incredible and ridiculous in, like, 17 different ways.

The climactic explosion, by the way (again, not a spoiler; all of Wynorski's movies end with explosions) is gigantic. I can only assume it was borrowed from some other movie.

In summation: Not only is this clearly Wynorski's finest work, it's probably one of the greatest movies ever made. Filled with hot girls, preposterous bad-guys, ridiculous dialogue, shoddy sets, cheap-o special effects, and a cast of cult favorites and weirdoes, there's really no way you can watch this without falling deeply and madly in love with it. It's junkfilm Nirvana, and well-worth the dig to find it. Next time you're in town, Mr. Wynorski, the drinks are on me.

Availability: The Lost Empire is available on (out of print) VHS. Also on Region 2 DVD. If somebody would get it together and release this on a proper Region 1 DVD, I'd appreciate it. Thank you in advance.

- Ken McIntyre