Satan's Storybook (1989)

Directed by Michael Rider 
Starring Ginger Lynn and the guy who wrote The Howling.
Unrated 
USA 

“I have training for this journey all of my life.”

Satan's Storybook was directed by the mysterious Michael Rider, who never made another film. And I'm being generous by saying that he “made a film” here. Because this is not actually a movie. Unless camcorder-shot footage of non-actors in halloween masks spouting gibberish is a movie, in which case, I am now finished with movies. It's pure 80's fast-buck bargain video garbage that fails on every artistic level, but retains a modicum of grubby charm thanks to the inclusion of former (and, eventually, returning) porn queen Ginger Lynn and a few examples of classic VHS-era fashions and artifacts.

Storybook is a horror anthology, and like all multi-story spookers, it's got a wraparound segment. Satan – AKA a jazz hands-y dude in a goat mask – is waiting for his minions to fetch his queen. She's been absconded by Christeeth (Ginger Lynn), who wants revenge against the devil for killing her sister. Something like that. Mostly it's Ginger and the other chick tromping around in the woods yelling at each other.

Anyway, while Satan waits patiently for queeny to come back, he gets his jester to tell him stories to pass the time. In the first, a hesher dirtbag serial killer (he's wearing an Exodus t-shirt!) breaks into a sleepy suburban home, slashing up mom and dad and coming very close to splattering the brains of Aqua-netted daughter Jezebell (Leesa Roland) before the cops show up and cart him off.

He gets sentenced to death, but Jez wants to pull the plug on him herself, so six years later, on the eve of his execution, she calls on her dead witchy grandma to give her magical powers. Moments before the guard turns up the juice on the electric chair, he is whisked over to Jez's place, still strapped into the chair, to face a sentence even more gruesome than one he already faced.

And then Ginger Lynn has a sword fight with a goblin.

And also what looks like a guy in a Scooby Doo mask with a machete. She is nearly defeated, but blows some magical dust in the air (something tells me 'magical dust' was 98% of the budget for this) and vanishes.

Time for story number two. Charlie (Howling author Gary Brandner!) is a drunken clown with a giant afro who gets fired  from the “Clown House” for hitting the sauce, and promptly hangs himself.

Weird thing is, though, he wakes up some time later, assuming the whole ugly mess was just a booze-soaked nightmare. But then a squeaky-voiced  reaper clown shows up to drag him to hell. But first he makes Charlie watch himself getting cut down from the noose. Panicked, Charlie tries to bail, but reaper-clown lays a whole religious trip on him, and that's pretty much that. Or is it? Can a drunk clown cheat the devil?

No. No, he cannot.

And that not-so neatly brings us back to the beginning. The Queen of Hell (Leslie Deutsch – she was on Fantasy Island once!) returns to her hubby the devil. And they lived happily ever after.

No they don't. She tells him she's leaving him. And then she does. He rips off his cape in anguish.

And then Ginger Lynn shows up for a Jesus-y coda. The end.

In the mid-late 80's Lynn, hoping to make the leap into mainstream movies ala Traci Lords, started showing up in random weird shit like this. Her name guaranteed that at least a few fools would buy it. I am one of those fools. I do not regret it, although I will tell you this: Satan's Storybook is dull, threadbare, devoid of nudity and gore, way too preachy (and possibly even Christian propaganda), annoying, lame, and fucking stupid. Of course, maybe that's what you're looking for. I don't know what you're into.

PS Leesa Roland, please get in touch. I get the feeling you have many hair-raising tales to tell.

- Ken McIntyre 

Run Like Hell (1995)

Directed by Robert Rundle

Starring Elizabeth Lamont, Liz Davies, Colleen Corrigan, Robert Z'Dar

Unrated 

USA

"We'll have to fuck 'em for guns."

"Oh, we'll fuck them all right. Just not the way they're expecting."

Mutant-jawed Robert Z'Dar toplines this sexed-up, no-budget, post-apoc mess as the scuzzball warden of a women's prison. The plotline is delightfully senseless, but it goes something like this: in the near-future (now the past - it takes place in 2008!), single women are rounded up and incarcerated in brutal work camps because they're deemed too dangerous for society. Why? Who knows. Boner problems, maybe. A ragtag group of plucky prisoners break out of Z'Dar's prison and go on the lam. He hires ridiculous bounty hunters to chase them down. Hijinks ensue. 

In the opening scene, Z'Dar - looking as fucking crazy as ever - watches on his futuristic 2008 video monitors as a couple prisoners shower. Two things stick out - first, it's clear from the beginning that the producers nabbed the Maniac Cop star for one day - maybe even half a day - and shot all of his scenes in one take. Secondly, while it's a good sign to see boobs within three minutes of the movie's starting time, who takes showers in their thongs? 

After getting thoroughly chubbed up by the sensual two-girl shower, Warden (that's the warden's name - Warden!) orders the girls in to his office for the expressed purpose of raping them both. 

However, he is soon overpowered by the scrappy duo, who bash his skull with a truncheon and bail. They meet up with two other prisoners, and the four of 'em skulk around the office-building-masquerading-as-a-prison, picking off guards and snatching their guns. Did I mention that they're all topless, barefoot, and be-thonged? 

They make it outside - luckily, the door was unlocked - and cross some railroad tracks. In their bare feet! Ouch. That gravel had to hurt. Eventually, they stumble onto a guard shack/tent. Using their feminine wiles, they seduce and manhandle the two goofy idiot guards, taking their guns (didn't they already have enough?) and, inexplicably, finding a bunch of clothes that fit them all perfectly. 

So then they get dressed. Bummer. And then they shoot the guards, for about ten minutes.

This wears them out, so they build a campfire and go to sleep. Before their well-deserved snooze, however, they all decide that they're going to head for Paradise City where, we can only presume, the grass is green and the girls are pretty. 

They wake up to find a cowboy fighting a ninja. Why not? The ninja wins and suggests he tag along with them, because the mutants come out at night, and they'll need his protection. Sounds viable. By the way, Ninja wears his Ninja mask all the time, so all his lines are muffled.

Meanwhile, Warden sends a bounty hunter and a goony "droid" to chase after the girls. The bounty hunter dresses like the terminator. The droid has some sort of apparatus strapped to his head. Or maybe its' the other way around, hard to say. At any rate, that's going on, as well. 

Not all of the girls survive their first few days in the wastelands. It's pretty tough out there. Ninja decides they need kung fu training before they go any further. So that's what they do. 

There's also a couple subplots going on. One involves another bounty hunter wandering around with a girl in 80's rock video jeans. Nothing much happens there. I think they just crowbarred that bit in because the girl has awesome pants. 

Another one has something to do with a prison guard who's dresses like a gay porn stud. He's got a brothel in the prison bathroom. He likes to make the girls dance topless while he fiddles with his nightstick. That sounds like a euphemism, but that's actually what he does. 

Also, did I mention the topless fight club in the basement? 

And the chainsaw-wielding "Arena of Death" match in the desert? 

Of course, with all this madness going on, you are surely wondering whether our heroines ever make it to Paradise City. Well, let me ask you this: do any of us ever make it to Paradise City? Life's a journey, man. Not a destination. 

While it always looks more like outsider art than an actual film made by sane individuals, and the budget could not have topped a week's paycheck, I can't really fault director Rundle for anything. He had a vision, and a camcorder, and he went for it. Likewise the cast gives it their all, whether bashing each other in the face, or rolling around in a swamp, or tromping around under a hot sun wearing nothing but dollar-store thongs, this is one seriously committed acting troupe. For their sakes, I suggest you watch this nutty little 80 minute time-waster. Don't let their considerable efforts go in vain. While Run Like Hell is neither the greatest film ever made or the worst, there are moments throughout when it is both. 

Plus, there's boobs galore. Galore! 

- Ken McIntyre