Run Like Hell (1995)

Directed by Robert Rundle

Starring Elizabeth Lamont, Liz Davies, Colleen Corrigan, Robert Z'Dar

Unrated 

USA

"We'll have to fuck 'em for guns."

"Oh, we'll fuck them all right. Just not the way they're expecting."

Mutant-jawed Robert Z'Dar toplines this sexed-up, no-budget, post-apoc mess as the scuzzball warden of a women's prison. The plotline is delightfully senseless, but it goes something like this: in the near-future (now the past - it takes place in 2008!), single women are rounded up and incarcerated in brutal work camps because they're deemed too dangerous for society. Why? Who knows. Boner problems, maybe. A ragtag group of plucky prisoners break out of Z'Dar's prison and go on the lam. He hires ridiculous bounty hunters to chase them down. Hijinks ensue. 

In the opening scene, Z'Dar - looking as fucking crazy as ever - watches on his futuristic 2008 video monitors as a couple prisoners shower. Two things stick out - first, it's clear from the beginning that the producers nabbed the Maniac Cop star for one day - maybe even half a day - and shot all of his scenes in one take. Secondly, while it's a good sign to see boobs within three minutes of the movie's starting time, who takes showers in their thongs? 

After getting thoroughly chubbed up by the sensual two-girl shower, Warden (that's the warden's name - Warden!) orders the girls in to his office for the expressed purpose of raping them both. 

However, he is soon overpowered by the scrappy duo, who bash his skull with a truncheon and bail. They meet up with two other prisoners, and the four of 'em skulk around the office-building-masquerading-as-a-prison, picking off guards and snatching their guns. Did I mention that they're all topless, barefoot, and be-thonged? 

They make it outside - luckily, the door was unlocked - and cross some railroad tracks. In their bare feet! Ouch. That gravel had to hurt. Eventually, they stumble onto a guard shack/tent. Using their feminine wiles, they seduce and manhandle the two goofy idiot guards, taking their guns (didn't they already have enough?) and, inexplicably, finding a bunch of clothes that fit them all perfectly. 

So then they get dressed. Bummer. And then they shoot the guards, for about ten minutes.

This wears them out, so they build a campfire and go to sleep. Before their well-deserved snooze, however, they all decide that they're going to head for Paradise City where, we can only presume, the grass is green and the girls are pretty. 

They wake up to find a cowboy fighting a ninja. Why not? The ninja wins and suggests he tag along with them, because the mutants come out at night, and they'll need his protection. Sounds viable. By the way, Ninja wears his Ninja mask all the time, so all his lines are muffled.

Meanwhile, Warden sends a bounty hunter and a goony "droid" to chase after the girls. The bounty hunter dresses like the terminator. The droid has some sort of apparatus strapped to his head. Or maybe its' the other way around, hard to say. At any rate, that's going on, as well. 

Not all of the girls survive their first few days in the wastelands. It's pretty tough out there. Ninja decides they need kung fu training before they go any further. So that's what they do. 

There's also a couple subplots going on. One involves another bounty hunter wandering around with a girl in 80's rock video jeans. Nothing much happens there. I think they just crowbarred that bit in because the girl has awesome pants. 

Another one has something to do with a prison guard who's dresses like a gay porn stud. He's got a brothel in the prison bathroom. He likes to make the girls dance topless while he fiddles with his nightstick. That sounds like a euphemism, but that's actually what he does. 

Also, did I mention the topless fight club in the basement? 

And the chainsaw-wielding "Arena of Death" match in the desert? 

Of course, with all this madness going on, you are surely wondering whether our heroines ever make it to Paradise City. Well, let me ask you this: do any of us ever make it to Paradise City? Life's a journey, man. Not a destination. 

While it always looks more like outsider art than an actual film made by sane individuals, and the budget could not have topped a week's paycheck, I can't really fault director Rundle for anything. He had a vision, and a camcorder, and he went for it. Likewise the cast gives it their all, whether bashing each other in the face, or rolling around in a swamp, or tromping around under a hot sun wearing nothing but dollar-store thongs, this is one seriously committed acting troupe. For their sakes, I suggest you watch this nutty little 80 minute time-waster. Don't let their considerable efforts go in vain. While Run Like Hell is neither the greatest film ever made or the worst, there are moments throughout when it is both. 

Plus, there's boobs galore. Galore! 

- Ken McIntyre