Monday, December 28, 2009

The Pig Keeper's Daughter (1972)

Directed by Bethel Buckalew
Starring Terry Gibson, Peggy Church, Gina Paluzzi
Rated R
USA

"I kinda like rough lookin' girls."

Directed by softcore mogul Bethel Buckalew and produced by exploitation giant Harry Novak, The Pig Keeper's Daughter takes a sliver-thin premise - the salesman and the farmer's daughter joke - and stretches it out to feature length with a seemingly endless series of dusty, farm-bound sex romps. Cheap, brainless, gleefully grimy, and littered with buoyant double-D's, The Pig Keeper's Daughter was clearly influenced by Russ Meyer. In fact, if ol' Russ was a moonshine guzzling yokel with holes in his shoes and a two-dollar budget, this is exactly the movie he'd make.

Skinny, carrot-topped podunk Moonbeam (Terry Gibson) wishes her pet pig Lord Hamilton was a little taller, so he could take her to the movies. Until that fateful day, the lonely Pigfarm girl is content to let Hammy nuzzle her denim-clad crotch until local stud Jasper (John Keith, A Scream in the Streets) shows up to bone her in the hay. And that's Moonbeam's life, pretty much.

Jasper doesn't even like Moonbeam all that much. Truth be told, his heart belongs to willowy Pretty Patty (Peggy Church, A Touch of Sweden), but she won't put out. She will, however, happily masturbate on the barn roof while she watches Jasper and Moonbeam rut like...well, like pigs, pretty much.
A happy-go-lucky panty salesman zooms into this sleepy glen to peddle his wares, singing a cheerful ditty as goes. He happens upon a poor soul who's been hogtied to his own ankles by a thieving hitchhiker and forced to walk along the rode bent over in a very compromising position. The salesman pulls over to find out what happened, and the man tells him his sorry tale. "Well," says the salesman, pulling down his zipper, "I guess this is your unlucky day."

Sometime after raping the poor bastard on the side of the road, Mr. Salesman picks up a busty hitchhiker, who turns out to be a prostitute. At first he scoffs at her advances - he did just fuck a guy, after all - but then she takes off her t-shirt, letting her ample milkjugs bob in the breeze, and he cannot resist. They pull off to some nearby woods and have very awkward 70's sex in the grass. Once they're finished, the girl demands $50, twice as much as they agreed on. When the salesman balks, she says, "Hey man, I'm only fifteen. You wouldn't want anyone to know you raped a fifteen year old girl, would you?"

So he pays her. Of course, even a cursory glance would tell you she's closer to 30, but whatever. That guy sorta deserved it.

The salesman ends up at the pig farm. He tries to sell his powders and lotions to Moonbeam's top-heavy mom, Molly (Gina Palluzi), but she keeps slipping out of clothes and convincing him to just give her stuff until they're both naked and he's out of things to sell. And then they fuck, awkwardly, on the sofa. This whole movie is about awkward sex. He's pretty happy with the way things are going until he finally pops, and then he's just bummed that he gave away all his stuff. Molly, however, has a proposition for him, and if he plays his cards right, he may just get all his garbage back.
Meanwhile, Jasper goes to visit Pretty Patty. Well, first he beats up her little brother and rolls him around in the mud. Then he visits her. She tells him to wait until she changes into her new outfit, which turns out to be an eye-bleeding, midriff-baring, blue daisy-festooned monstrosity. Strangely, this works for Jasper. They decide to consummate their love on a haystack. He promises to only put it in a little. Ladies, never believe that line.

So, with Jasper and Patty rutting away, Moonbeam is free to smooch with Lord Hamilton. And that's exactly what she does, until the salesman wanders over to her and lures her into his web of lust with the promise of "store bought stockings". Before you know it, the two of 'em are splashing away together in an outdoor bath tub, and Moonbeam is happily over her porcine sex obsession. The end.

Well, not exactly. Turns out this entire film has been leading up to a gag. Long fuckin' way to go for a laugh, man.

If you are looking for anything resembling a sensible piece of filmmaking, than you should probably stay away from The Pig Keeper's Daughter. But if you really like looking at busty 70's chicks with full bush and no shame, then run-don't-walk to your nearest discount website/physical media dealer and snap this minor masterpiece of southern fried filth up. Senseless and sleazy, it strips softcore of all its erotic pretensions, and just lets it all hang out. Street-level sleaze hounds will love it.

The Pig Keepers Daughter is available from Something Weird Video.

- Ken McIntyre

Plaguers (2008)

Directed by Brad Sykes
Starring Steve Railsback, Alexis Zobolis, Noelle Perris, Paige Le Pierre
Rated R
USA

"You're more trouble dead than alive."

In the gooey, slime-dripping vein of 80's sci-fi/horror-mash-up Aliens (or, more accurately, dimestore Aliens knock-offs like Galaxy of Terror, Creepozoids, and Contamination) comes Plaguers, a spunky bit of outlandish space camp that pits sexy space pirates - disguised as mini-skirted, go-go booted nurses - against extra-dimensional, face-eating demons.

The story involves a fuel-transport ship called Pandora, which is listlessly floating back to Earth to bury its dead captain. Said deceased cap's girlfriend Darian Holloway (Alexis Zibolis) is now running the show, much to the chagrin of her motley crew. One fateful day, the Pandora gets a distress call from another ship nearby. They stop to investigate, and find a crew of gorgeous girls dressed in tight dresses and knee high boots wandering around the ship, dirty and disoriented. As it is lonely in space, Darian allows them to board the Pandora. Bad move.

Besides their new guests, the Pandora also picked up another stray along the way - a glowing green orb with mystical powers called Thanatos. The nurses, who are actually pirates in disguise, attempt to take over the ship, disturbing the magical ball. Somehow or another, it starts turning everyone into slavering cannibal demons. Mayhem ensues.

Toplined by Steve Railsback as a sympathetic man-droid, Plaguers is clearly a very low-budget effort - the ship miniatures are almost Ed Wood-ian - but it makes up for its threadbare qualities with a stripped-down, always-moving script and a cast of good-looking, enthusiastic newcomers.

Strangely, with one glaring exception, the actors all play this absurd premise as straight as possible, derailing the film's potential high-camp factor. And then there's Paige La Pierre. As Sadie, the most aggressive of the sexy space nurse/pirate crew, La Pierre chews the scenery wildly and gloriously, rampaging through the ship like a lusty, wild-eyed glamazon. Even with half her face ripped off, she's the hottest, wildest space-girl in this demon-possessed galaxy, and she tips the film over from agreeable time-waster to potential cult classic.

Plaguers may be the first DVD-era film that would actually make more sense on VHS, since everything about it positively screams Saturday night at Blockbuster Video in 1987. Egg crate spaceship? Check. Copious gore? Got it. Rampaging monsters? Sure, half a dozen of 'em.

In fact, the only missing factor is a high-profile scream queen (Tiffany Shepis must have been booked that weekend) and a slathering of gratuitous nudity. Luckily, according to the lengthy behind-the-scenes featurette included on the DVD, director Sykes claims that two sequels may eventually surface, so perhaps those glaring omissions will be rectified then. In the meantime, if you're looking to scratch that old retro junk-horror itch, Plaguers should do the trick.




Visit the official Plaguers Website!

- Ken McIntyre

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