Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004)

Starring Darian Caine, Erika Smith, AJ Kahn, Isadora Edison, Andrea Davis
Directed by Max Von Diesel
Unrated
USA

"Say...do you like boys?"

Without a doubt, this is the perviest Seduction Cinema lesbofest I've seen since the crazed Witches of Sappho Salon (which, admittedly, wasn't a thousand years ago, but still). I mean, there's always a nipple nuzzle or tongue tango around the corner in these flicks, but this one, Christ, it's wall to wall. And here's the really weird/good part: if you took out all the softball girl-girl sex, you'd still have a funny, well-acted, entertaining little film. It'd only be about 7 minutes long, but it'd be good.

As the runaway cult success (well, relatively speaking) of Angela Bettis in May ably illustrates, spazzy girls are in, and they don't come much spazzier than uber nerd girl Erika Smith. Hot on the heels of her starlet-making turn as a half-blind stripper in EI's big bug movie Bite Me!, Ericka reprises her patented geek-chic shtick as Willimena Van Helsing, great-great-grand daughter of Dracula's famous un-doer. The part of the story that is yet untold, however, involves the elder Van Helsing's brush with Dracoola, (foxy Darian Caine), a lusty busty vampiress who bit VH in his ass a cuppla hundred years back, resulting in a prolonged, bitter ghost-hood.

It is after a goofy late night BLT binge at the local diner with exotic cutie AJ Khan that Erika finds herself tromping alone and confused (does she like girls instead of boys? Yep) through the local cemetery. Suddenly, great Uncle Van Helsing, sporting ratty threads and a face fulla blue goo, appears to his young niece and lets her know she's got a revenge-fueled destiny to fulfill.

And that is pretty much where the plot dissipates into a sleazy, Isadora Edison-drenched orgy of girl on girl mayhem. Isadora, wearing nothing but a leafy tiara and a landing strip, appears in Erika Smith's fevered imagination as some sort of Sapphic earth-mother-goddess, gettin' licked all over by Misty Mundae and AK Khan in a foggy softcore scene that seems to last for hours onscreen, but was probably an even longer ordeal for the girls.

Later on, there's a pretty graphic - and completely gratuitous- scene of Izzy with her hands jammed down her black panties, furiously jilling off while the ass-bit Van Helsing demon dude peeks on. Even later, she's dressed in skin tight hotpants and the top half of a police uniform, her face covered in pink frosting and her tongue somewhere deep inside real life porn star Tatiana Stone.

Finally, she appears in a climactic 4 (5? 6?) way lesbo freak-for-all at the funeral home, where Willimena finally accepts her sexuality and her lineage, Dracoola finally gets hers (in the end, natch), and the rest of the girls get plenty of theirs, as well.

I know, it sounds like I'm skipping a lot, but I'm not. Erika and Darian engage in a battle of half-wits, Dead Van Helsing cracks a few corny jokes, and the very funny Andrea Davis has a brief cameo as a dominatrix with a taste for older men. But mostly, it's hot girl on girl action, daddy-o.

It's up to you how you want to watch this one, man, pants on or off. I have so far tried both with equally positive results.

- Ken McIntyre

Lust in Space (2005)

Directed by John Bacchus
Starring AJ Khan, Darian Caine, Alexia Moore, Jackie Stevens
Unrated
USA

"Are you Jamaican? Because you're Jamaican me crazy!"

This 'Lust in Space' is not to be confused with the 80's porn flick of the same starring Ron Jeremy and Lana Burner. I kinda doubt you would confuse them, because this one has even less plot than the assfuck movie. It's the fourth film in the epic "Erotic Witch" series, a never-ending jiggle-fest starring various Seduction Cinema contract girls and their taut nipples in a variety of loopy situations. This time around, it's the year 2069 (You saw that coming, didn't you?) and three vapid spacegirls (the exotic AJ Khan, vampish Darian Caine, and giant-titted newbie Alexia Moore) all poured into skin-tight silver "space" bikinis, travel back in time to thwart the deadly "erotic witch" plague. This long and traumatic journey back to 2005 mostly involves the girls lounging around in their spaceship, which appears to be somebody's kitchen, if their kitchen was made of cheese, and melted. Sometimes they lick each other's nipples, and AJ yells a lot. When they finally make it back to our time, they wander around somebody' s backyard in those groovy outfits for the rest of the movie.

At some point, newcomer Jackie Stevens shows up, and has a l-o-n-g softcore sex scene with some dude inside the spaceship, which is now a hallway covered in tinfoil. The scene is a bit on the tedious side, but Stevens possesses a real girl-next-door sexiness. She sorta resembles a young Lynda Carter, and given the right roles, would make a great b-movie starlet in the Claudia Jennings vein. In this one, however, she has almost zero to do, besides dry-hump. That's all anyone does, really. There's no subplot to speak of, but there's plenty of the usual dumb, drooling redneck gags to pad the time between the 15 minute long lesbo romps.

If you came to gawk, then this is clearly a winner, as it's pretty much wall-to-wall pseudo-sex from end to end. But if you're looking for story, or plot, or anything engaging, forget it. The promo blurb on the back cover is probably longer than the script was. Still, even with so little to do, the up-for-it cast occasionally shines, especially Darian and AJ, who are quite amusing as the clueless space-bimbos.

- Ken McIntyre