Pandemonium (1982)

Directed by Alfred Sole
Starring Tom Smothers, Carol Kane, Judge Reinhold, Paul Reubens, Candy Azzara
Rated PG
U.S.A.

Close on the heels of the sudden rise of the slasher genre in the early 1980s came a brief little burst of slasher parodies, remembered by some though largely forgotten. Among the titles in this little niche are Student Bodies (1981), Saturday the 14th (1981), Pandemonium (1982), and Wacko (1982).

Taken together, these flicks might be said to have a couple of things going for them. All appeared well before Scream and a number of other films sometimes regarded as clever, “postmodern” commentaries and/or extensions of the genre. And all enjoy small cult followings, mostly by those who recall airings on the early days of HBO or who watched them as VHS rentals.

These films also all share many of the same failings, too. All more or less adopted the same absurdist approach used by Airplane! (1980) in its send-up of Airport and other disaster films, though without the genuine inventiveness or consistently successful humor. All pretty much tanked at the box office, too, not coming close to the commercial success of many of the films they spoofed. And all were universally panned by critics -- understandably, for the most part.

Of the group, Pandemonium was actually directed by someone who had directly contributed to the slasher genre -- Alfred Sole, whose Hitchcockian thriller Alice, Sweet Alice (1976) stands as a minor classic of the form. Richard Whitley, co-writer of cult fave Rock ‘n’ Roll High School (1979), also had a hand in the script here. And the cast is filled out with several recognizable faces at various stages of their careers, many of whom have a number of well-received performances to their credit.

Ultimately, however, Pandemonium ends up coming off much like the other films in this group, a very amateurish-looking affair with a lot of over-the-top goofiness that mostly misfires, most particularly for audiences coming to the film a few decades after Airplane! and all of its imitators.

The film begins with a melodramatic credits sequence replete with full moon, threatening clouds, and urgent music.














We’re then taken to a college football game (with cheesy, obvious stock footage) involving “It Had to Be U” in Indiana, 1963. Blue Grange (Tab Hunter) scores the winning touchdown, and much celebration follows.

We meet Bambi (Candy Azzara), devoted to Blue though ignored by the football star. She’s also shunned by the five snotty cheerleaders, who are swiftly done away with in a single stroke. Making reference to a halftime salute to vegetables, the cheerleaders are carrying their props single file across the field...














...when someone throws a javelin through all five, an act soon to be described as the “Shish-Ke-Bob” murders in a newspaper headline.

“This must be the act of a maniac,” says a photographer at the scene. “Either that or a very large chef,” replies Phil Hartman in a brief cameo.

More newspaper headlines report further murders of cheerleaders. Then, the backstory sufficiently communicated, we cut to “It Had to Be U... NOW” where Bambi has returned to start her own cheerleader camp. She explains her plans to the maintenance man, Pepe (David Lander, a.k.a. Squiggy), and his mother, Salt, such “exposition” being noted by onscreen prompts.














You get the idea -- we’re being taken through the formulaic steps of a slasher film, with a few more direct borrowings from particular films further signaling the filmmakers’ purpose.

For example, we soon meet innocent Candy -- presented as “Victim #1” -- played by the pixie-like Carol Kane (When a Stranger Calls). Leaving for cheerleader camp, she has a Carrie-like moment with her protective mother (Eileen Brennan), with obvious jokes about “dirty pillows” and such, and Candy revealing her telekinetic powers.














“I just wanna be a normal girl,” says Candy, with Kane employing that cute, baby-like tone for which she is known. And which makes the subsequent lines a touch funnier. “I’m gonna make friends! I’m gonna have fun! I’m gonna go out with boys! I’m gonna sleep with truck drivers and get crabs...!”

We quickly meet the other five “victims,” each introduced in equally farcical set pieces. There’s Glenn Dandy, played by a young Judge Reinhold with his hair dyed blonde. Then comes Mandy (Teri Landrum), Sandy (Debralee Scott), Andy (Miles Chapin), and Randy (Marc McClure).

And, yes, later on they get together and enjoy some candy. Which, in the search to create some more daffy dialogue, comes in quite handy.

They all journey to the camp via various means, including riding a bus marked “Certain Death.” We’re then introduced to Sergeant Reginald Cooper, played by comedian Tom Smothers, apparently charged with maintaining law and order there at It Had to Be U, Indiana, and its immediate environs.














That he’s a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police -- or the “Royal Canadamanadanies,” as he mispronounces it -- riding around on a horse named Bob is never explained. I remember reading somewhere this was meant as an inside joke referring to the fact that many of the slasher pics were filmed in Canada, which I suppose is a bit inspired, if not that funny.

Smothers does his best, though, and produces a few grins during his scenes with Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Reubens who plays Johnson, an assistant of some kind. They discuss and explore the escape of a man named Jarrett from a nearby mental asylum, a murder-slash-carpenter who is said to have killed his family and made bookshelves out of them.

At the asylum we run into the weird chicken dude from Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams (in which Reubens also appeared). Stunning to think this guy somehow found a second opportunity in which to strut his stuff.














Finally everyone gathers at the camp, where further slapstick ensues. The six cheerleaders swiftly segregate into three couples. Glenn Dandy is smitten with Mandy, whose name he tries to guess by covering her nametag.














Sgt. Cooper arrives and apparently is immediately taken with young Candy. They surprisingly break into song (with dubbed operatic voices), one of the few genuinely funny moments in the film.














The craziness continues. The cheerleaders go eat at a diner called House of Bad Pies, served by Crystal and China, played by Candi and Randi Brough -- their real names (no shinola). The twin beauties appeared together in a ton of films and TV shows, and at the time were probably best known for their recurring roles on “B.J. and the Bear.”














All of this silliness has to end, however, as the killer must start claiming victims. Actually the silliness continues even there, with a rapid sequence of supposed-to-be-funny-but-aren't-really improbable kills following. To mention one example, Mandy, who has an irrational (even nauseating) devotion to dental hygeine, meets her end somewhat ironically in a toothpasty mess.














There’s strip poker. A milk (and cookies) bath. Some red herring-like misdirection regarding the identity of the killer. Death by pom pom. Death by megaphone. And lots of eye-rolling double entendres, such as when Andy goes to inspect a troubling noise.

“Do you want me to come with you?” asks Sandy. “Sure, if we time it right,” answers Andy. (Rim shot.)

Soon enough we are left with the Final Girl, Candy, running around in her pajamas.













Sgt. Cooper and his horse Bob turn back up near the picture’s end, too, after seeming to have been riding around in another film for most of the way.














The cast might make this one worth seeking out for some. And as I say, there’s a certain (small) segment who will have some nostalgia for this bit of lunacy. Overall, though, unless your interest in slashers carries you to the point of having to check out all the parodies, too, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going out of your way for this one.

For me, Student Bodies -- with unforgettable Malvert, the double-jointed janitor -- is the one among this group I like the best, a movie that Ken and Seth reviewed way back in Episode 9. Wacko, directed by Greydon Clark (Black Shampoo, Satan’s Cheerleaders, Joysticks), has its moments, too.

- Triple S

Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976)

Directed by Richard Lerner
Starring Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith, Patrice Rohmer, Helen Lang, David Hasselhoff
Rated R
USA

The title of this highly absurd, highly amusing slice of drive-in mid-seventies fun suggests the film might be a sequel to The Cheerleaders, the 1973 smash hit that this film’s director, Richard Lerner, co-wrote and co-produced. The mysterious “Ace Baandige” (or “Baandage”) -- listed as a co-writer of both films’ scripts -- suggests another connection as well.

Even so, there is no explicit link between Revenge of the Cheerleaders and the earlier film in terms of plot or characters, although Revenge does reprise the same setting and scenario. As was the case in The Cheerleaders, we are again presented with a California high school full of oversexed teens in which the cheerleaders enjoy the greatest power -- exceeding that of even the teachers and staff -- at an otherworldly place that really only ever existed on the silver screen and/or in adolescent boys’ dreams.

While Revenge doesn’t really challenge the original film’s sexploitation classic status, it is nevertheless a mostly entertaining romp that delivers in most of the same areas as did the earlier film, with a bunch of babes, burlesque, and buffoonery.

It also most certainly delivers a Boner, too. Literally. (Read on.)

The story opens in rockin’ fashion, with the half-dozen cheerleaders riding to school in a convertible with the top down, changing into their uniforms as they go. Upon their arrival, a caption informs us they attend “Aloha High School, Aloha California,” the scene, it seems, of a non-stop party. The girls instinctively lead an impromptu pep rally, to the delight of all.












Once inside, a conflict is established when a couple of non-cheerleaders, including the goody-goody Joanne Hartlander, watch our heroines goofing off in the halls while noting “things are about to be flushed clean.”











As they pass by, Joanne hands Heather, played by the doe-eyed Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith, a copy of the school paper, calling her a “slut” as she does.

The epithet seems inspired by the fact that Heather is obviously pregnant. Indeed, Smith was herself expecting during the filming of Revenge, and the story goes the pregnant cheerleader character was written into the script to accommodate her condition. The girls then see the paper’s ominous headline:












Apparently the “moral crisis” is so severe the school board has decided to merge Aloha with their hated rival, Lincoln Vocational. If that seems like a strange solution to the problem, there’s a reason for that. Eventually we discover the plan to close A.H.S. is part of a larger plot by land developers to build a shopping plaza on its grounds. The developers have secured the help of the corrupt Walter Harlander -- father of Joanne and member of the school board -- to help make their evil plan come about.

We’ll worry about all that later. For now, let’s follow the girls to the bathroom for a little primping.












One of the cheerleaders, the vivacious Sesame (Patrice Rohmer), disappears into a stall just before Nurse Beam (Eddra Gale) arrives. Amid Nurse Beam’s lecturing the girls, we hear squealing from the stall, from which eventually Sesame and her lover boy emerge. And who might that lover boy be?












“Boner!” cries a disappointed Nurse Beam. “Get out of here! This is the girls’ room!”

That’s right. It’s a young David Hasselhoff -- well before his star rose on “Knight Rider,” “Baywatch,” and the German pop charts -- appearing here as the unforgettable Boner, an early role which he later tended to leave off the career résumé.

The sass with which the cheerleaders respond to Nurse Beam’s censure shows they are clearly uncontrollable. The principal, Dr. Ivory -- played by Carl Ballantine (of “McHale’s Navy” fame) -- seems mostly unconcerned about the “moral crisis,” too, giving little heed to an upcoming visit by an investigating committee sent by the state’s Board of Education. He’d rather work on cooking a turkey in his office from a recorded recipe, aided by both Heather and Nurse Beam, a scene that ends -- like a lot of scenes in Revenge -- in a slapsticky mess.

Onto to the soda shop, where one of the squad, Leslie (Helen Lang, July 1976 Penthouse Pet) hooks up with soda jerk Jordan (David Robinson). While he services a customer, she services him.












Soon a couple of rough-looking girls from Lincoln Vocational arrive, telling the girls from A.H.S. to stick it “up your middle-class ass.” Apparently this rivalry between the schools is formed along class lines, thus adding additional tension to the prospects of an upcoming merger.

“You ladies may be the queens of Aloha today,” says one of the Lincoln girls. “But tomorrow you’ll be the slaves of Lincoln.” Erm... slaves of Lincoln? Never mind. We get it... the merger wouldn’t be desirable for the cheerleaders, given how damaging it would be to their royalty-like status at Aloha High.

The Lincoln girls leave, and finally the Aloha squad and their boyfriends can relax. The scene rapidly transforms into a funky good dance time. Boner, in particular, shines with some creative moves here:












An odd scene follows. Actually, all of the scenes are pretty odd in this one, but this one might be the strangest. A couple of Aloha cheerleaders visit a class at Lincoln, holding them up and robbing the students -- and teacher -- of their drugs and booze. They carry said booty back to Aloha, dump most of it in the spaghetti sauce being prepared for the day’s lunch, then sit in the bleachers and get high while watching the boys’ basketball practice.












The investigative team from the Board of Education then arrives, and soon all devolves into an extended sequence of cross-cutting between two chaotic scenes -- one in the cafeteria, where everyone (including the Board of Education folks) gets blotto on the spaghetti and a food fight erupts...












...and the other in the shower, where the cheerleaders and basketball team enjoy a super-sudsy orgy.












We end up seeing a lot more of the former -- and less of the latter -- than we’d necessarily like. That said, Hasselhoff’s most ardent fans will see fit to freeze-frame certain moments here which likely embarrass the celebrity even more than did his dancing.

This imbalance is made up for somewhat, however, when Sesame awakes the next morning (in a tent on the school property?), feeling especially refreshed:












Alas, news of the inspectors having been drugged makes the papers, making the Aloha-Lincoln merger now seem all but a done deal. Dr. Ivory is sent off, replaced by a new principal, Hall Walker (Norman Thomas Marshall). As a first order of business, Walker meets with the cheerleaders, the obvious first cause of all of Aloha’s anarchy.












Walker “fires” the cheerleaders, soon announcing that there will be tryouts to replace them. Distraught, the cheerleaders vow to fight back, and at last we see some sort of significance for the film’s title.

The new principal appears to be somewhat successful in cleaning up Aloha, which is kind of getting in the way of the plans of Hartlander and the developers to close down the school. Hartlander therefore employs his daughter Joanne (now a cheerleader) and Nurse Beam in a scheme to thwart principal Walker’s efforts to avert the “moral crisis.”

Cut to a field trip, some strange class taught by Nurse Beam that includes all of the now “fired” cheerleaders. This scene, incidentally, takes place at the Cabazon Dinosaurs in Cabazon, California, later also memorialized on celluloid in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.












The girls wander off, with Sesame and Leslie finding a boyscout whom they soon help earn his Outdoor Threesome badge. On their way back, the girls are “pulled over” by a cop, who engages in some frisky frisking.












The pair jiggles their way out of that fix, then the squad rushes back to the school where the big basketball game between Aloha and Lincoln has already reached halftime. Aloha is getting crushed, and the Lincoln cheerleaders’ cries of “M-E-R-G-E-R” make it seem as though the outcome of the game may bear some relationship to the impending merger.

With a less than a half-hour to go, there’s a lot of plot left to sort out. Will the cheerleaders reclaim their spots on the team? Will Aloha come back and win the big game? Will the school survive?

Will Boner ever get up?












(Ooh... that still kind of recalls another embarrassing film Hasselhoff would later make.)

Finally, and perhaps most importantly... will there be more dancing?












Actually, the answer to that last one is kinda obvious.

During the final wild sequence, Revenge actually transforms into a kind of comedic thriller in which the cheerleaders become action heroines amid the many plot twists, all as absurd and confusing as what came before. Will leave all that for you to experience, aside from noting that Heather does have her baby -- as evidenced in a nice, post-credits wave from Rainbeaux Smith as she holds her newly-born, real-life son, Justin.












As already noted, Revenge of the Cheerleaders doesn’t quite match the especially-inspired standard of the original Cheerleaders, though it does provide a large dose of wacked-out entertainment, further fueled by its bevy of babes, delirious dances, and abundant absurdities.

Revenge is available from Anchor Bay on DVD in a three-disc set along with The Cheerleaders and another genre entry, The Swinging Cheerleaders (1974).

- Triple S

Chainsaw Cheerleaders (2008)

Directed by Donald Farmer
Starring Tiffany Shepis, Debbie Rochon, Michele Gray, Jackey Hall
Unrated
USA

"I wish I was Anna Nicole Smith."
"Why is that, dear?"
"Because dead people don't get sent to cheerleading camp."

I'm not sure which event happened first - Donald Farmer's acquisition of several porn starry cheerleader outfits, or the life-altering epiphany he experienced when the cockamamie-but-irresistible phrase "Chainsaw Cheerleaders" popped into his skull - but obviously one followed quickly after the other. Everything else that happened after that was largely irrelevant. I mean, his job was already 99% done at that point.

As any self-respecting sleaze hound surely knows by now, Tennessee's own Donald Farmer has been churning out shot on video splatter flicks on a consistent basis since the mid '80's. His high water mark remains 1987's Cannibal Hookers, a tawdry, hairspray-abusing bit of heavy metal horror dreck, but he has dozens of similarly-titled and themed weekend wonders under his belt, including Demon Queen (1986), Scream Dream (1989), Red Lips (1995), and his last magnum opus, 2006's Dorm of the Dead. While not officially a sequel, Chainsaw utilizes most of Dorm's cast, and like Dorm, the film is littered with gum-snapping mean girls and psychotic goth chicks. So what's the difference? This one's got chainsaws, man. And cheerleaders.

Chainsaw Cheerleaders begins, sensibly, in 1508, somewhere in Europe. This affect is achieved mostly by putting Tiffany Shepis in a Ren Faire dress. Tiffany is Lucinda, an evil witch who torments some chick with a low-rent CGI pemis monster and then tears her heart out and eats it. Then a bunch of dudes in robes show up and burn her at the stake. The end.

Not really. Fast-forward to the present day. Sally (Erin Bushko) browses around a tacky giftshop, looking for props for her high school drama club's production of Macbeth. Angelique (Harmony Xanix), a heavily-pierced punkette that runs the joint, suggests a gnarly-looking hunting knife, which she says is 500 years old and once belonged to - you guessed it, Lucinda the wicked witch. Angelique tries to convince Sally that together, they can bring Lucinda back from the dead. I am not sure how that benefits anybody, but whatever. Sally tells her she's nuts, so punkette licks her face.  This does not convince her otherwise. Sally decides to split, but then some dude shows up and drags her off.

Meanwhile, Dawn - who's also sort of punky, but also sort of Lesbian-y, as well - is having a rough day. Mom finds the sex tape she made with her goth-y boyfriend Dax (Christopher Shaw), and goes suitably bananas. Dawn decides to take a walk until things cool down, and she runs into her BFF Ciara (Ciara Richards) who informs her of Dax's infidelity. Right on cue, Dax shows up with another girl on his arm. Dawn chases her away and then breaks Dax's nose with her boot.

Clearly, Dawn needs some change in her routine. The school guidance counselor (Debbie Rochon), drops by and suggests Dawn join the cheerleading squad to help her with her IED - Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Sounds valid. For whatever reason, Dax agrees not to press charges if Dawn becomes a cheerleader. And so she does. There are three other cheerleaders (this must be a very small town), all of 'em bouncy and blonde: Bambi (Misty Marie), Chassy (Jackey Hall), and Jessica (Rabecca Lee). So, you know, this is not going to go well.

The cheerleading team's trip to regionals is supposed to be funded by magazine subscriptions, but the squad is too lazy to bother trying to sell any. They convince Dawn that if she sells one subscription - at the spooky old house everyone's afraid of, naturally - then she can slip their strict Red Bull diet. She goes for it, figuring possible kidnapping and murder is still preferable than hanging out with a trio of anorexic blonde bubbleheads.
Dawn knocks on the door, and Angelique answers. Stalling for time, she asks for a glass of water, and when Angie goes to get it, Dawn sees a body on the floor, flailing away in a plastic garbage bag. Freaked, she bails and catches up with her cheer squad in the school's locker room.

Sadly, none of them are in a state of undress. Dawn tells the girls she thinks some sort of criminal mischief is afoot at the creepy house. After promising to be head cheerleader Bambi's slave if they don't find anything, the girls agree to check it out with her, so off they go, Scooby Doo style.

Dawn shows up just in time to see Angelique slash Sally's throat. Her gushing lifeblood opens a portal to another dimension (ball of light video effect) and Lucinda the witch plops though, still wearing her purple Ren Faire dress. But wait, shouldn't the dress - along with the rest of her - be a pile of cinders? Yep, except she managed to go through the portal right before the burning, so now punkette has to take her place. That's cold-blooded, Lucinda. You really are a wicked witch!

Lucinda turns the still-gurgling Sally into a zombie. And then she sets her sights on Bambi, who is loitering outside in her SUV. Lucinda uses some witchy mumbo-jumbo to take over her body. Not sure why, although Bambi is a good 4 inches taller. Maybe that's it.

Meanwhile, at the 50 minute mark, we finally get to see some boobs. The good news is that they belong to Debbie Rochon, and they are pretty spectacular. The bad news is, she's getting raped by some dope in a Halloween mask while they're out. Anyway, it turns out to be some role playing scenario anyway, so I guess we break even there. The faux-rapist splits and Debbie settles in for some relaxing self-pleasure, but Lucinda sends in her penis monster and...well, the results are suitably grotesque. By the way, the splatter gag here is well above average for a Farmer flick. I'm not sure why Lucinda would have any beef whatsoever with Debbie's character, but what the hell.

The proceedings liven up significantly in the next scene, when Bambi lets her over-ripe melons out for a soapy shower. She even gets Jessica to gently wash her back for her. And then she makes out with her a little. So that was good.

But them Bambi sprouts Star Trekky spikes on her suddenly swollen forehead. That is not so good.

Oh, remember sex-god Dax? He's still banging the chubby chick. He's got a nasty surprise coming. Even nastier than whatever he's already up to.

Later on, Dawn shows up to find the mutilated corpses of her ex-boyfriend and his plus-sized lover. And then a detective shows up and finds her standing there with a fuckin' chainsaw, and that's pretty much it for her. But then Bambi shows up and pulls some kind of brain-whammy on the detective.

Bambi convinces the other two cheerleaders that all this mayhem is Dawn' s doing. They don't handle it too well. One of 'em pees herself.  But then they rally for an epic cheerleaders plus witch in cheerleader outfit VS. goth chick in cheerleader outfit battle to the death.

Well, one of 'em runs away and she eats the other one. So really just the witch and the goth chick. Plus her friend Ciara. Who, incidentally, was the same girl Lucinda killed 500 years ago. Logic was clearly tossed right in the garbage can around this point.

Oh, and then Chassy shows up again. She gets a chainsaw too. This, I imagine, is to justify the plurality of the title. Chainsaw Cheerleaders are go!

Good thing, too. Because Bambi's down at the Hot Spot Lounge, and she's just about to skin the waitress.

The climax is prime Farmer splatstick, with lots of goo, decapitated head gags, and screaming metal guitars. The end.

It should go without saying that Chainsaw Cheerleaders does not live up to its ecstatic title. I don't think anyone, including Farmer himself, ever expected it to. The problem, then, is that Chainsaw Cheerleaders does not fail as spectacularly as you'd like. Over the years, Farmer fans have come to expect certain glaring inadequacies that make the whole ordeal worthwhile - especially shoddy dimestore effects, perhaps, or woefully shaky acting. His previous film, Dorm of the Dead, had fistfuls of both, including a howlingly off-kilter performance from bratty Jackey Hall.

While it still wasn't a badfilm classic, it was close. With Chainsaw, everybody's acting is one notch closer to presentable - Hall even shows a knack for rubber-faced comedy. Likewise the effects, while still shoddy, are never quite as Ed Wood-y as you might like. And so you're left with a film that never approaches good, but doesn't wallow in its badness either. It just sort of rolls wobbily along, giving you just enough incentive to stay with it, but never delivering the goods.

Still, the film is called Chainsaw Cheerleaders, so there is a certain segment of the population - you and I being prime examples - who are going to watch this, whether we want to or not. We will be rewarded by two sets of boobs - both well-worth the effort - and the surprisingly effective comic mugging of Jackey Hall. Is that enough? No, of course not. But it's got chainsaws, man! And cheerleaders!

- Ken McIntyre