The Beach Girls (1982)

Directed by Bud Townsend 
Starring Debra Blee, Jeana Tomasina, Val Kline 
Rated R
USA

"We deserve a party. We need a party." 

Director Bud Townsend (RIP) does not have a particularly long or wide-ranging resume, but most of the films he made have been memorable: 1969's gruesome Nightmare in Wax, 1972's creaky haunted house flick Terror House (starring Russ Meyer girl Janet Wood), the frequently amazing Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976), breezy high school sex comedy Coach, starring Cathy Lee Crosby (1978), and of course his career high, The Beach Girls. Lost in the shuffle of bikini-romps during its initial release and unfairly obscure even now, The Beach Girls is quintessential 80's T&A cinema, a virtually plotless series of lightweight antics wholly dedicated to laughs and boners, and nothing else. The Beach Girls has no underlying message, no hidden agenda. It assumes you like boobs and watching nerds getting socked in the nuts, and that's exactly what it gives you.

The credit sequence sets us up nicely for a goofy summer romp. Slo-mo volleyball, slo-mo big-boobs frisbee, slo-mo aerobics, slo-mo running across the beach in bikinis (plus one fat girl for comedic effect). A surfing nun. Some late-stage roller disco. One topless stroller who causes a guy to squeeze his hot dog so tight the mustard shoots out. A dog who steals bikini tops. A female bodybuilder. Some chick riding a horse on the beach. All of it to set to a cheeseball Beach Boys rip-off tune by Arsenal, who do not sound like you'd think a band called Arsenal would sound like.

Into this paradise of jiggling flesh drives Sarah (Debra Blee), a petite, top-heavy brunette who wears helicopter pilot glasses and high-waisted jeans. She's come to stay at her uncle Carl's beach house for the summer. Sadly, the only person around to keep her company is the creepy, peeping-Tom groundskeeper. That won't last for long though, because vivacious redhead Ducky (Jeana Tomasina) and party-blonde Ginger (Val Kline) are barreling down the road in a convertible, picking up dreamy hitchhikers, and heading her way for two weeks at paradise beach.

Meanwhile, out of nowhere, we visit what appears to be an all-gay naval ship that's in the area to nab some weed dealers. We'll be seeing more of that motley crew later. In the meantime, the girls show up at Sarah's. It is at this point where he find out that both Ginger and Ducky are wearing shorts that are at least two times too small.

They've invited Scott-the-hitchhiker to stay with then for the night. They figure Sarah will say it's ok. She meets Scott. Scott Daniels.  It's ok. The chemistry between these two! This summer is already lookin' steamy!

Ginger and Ducky immediately head out to the beach for some nude sunbathing. Naturally, this attracts their voyeuristic neighbor Harold, who watches them through a telescope.

Also, Scott and Sarah take a romantic stroll and get to know each other better. And a nerd guy, wearing black socks on the beach, knocks himself out with a can of beer and then gets chased around by the fat girl from the credits. She's got Bo Derek braids. Classy!

Ginger and Ducky decide to throw a party. They do not ask Sarah first. Some friends. The problem is, they want lots of boys at the party, but they don't know any. So Ginger picks up the yellow pages and starts calling various delivery services. The pizza guy shows up first and offers Ducky the salami in his pants.

He is quickly followed by other service people, as well as everybody who hanging out on the beach. Sarah's worried things are going to get out of hand. Ginger assures he there's nothing to worry about. I would not trust Ginger, Sarah.

So, the party's on. Ginger does some pretty amazing herky-jerky dancing. Also, Ginger lied, because the party does turn into an orgy. And they're beginning to run out of booze. So Ginger calls the liquor store to order some more. Six cases of beer, and six cases of “peach tipple”. And she charges it to Uncle Carl's account!

Also, at one point, the nerd guy yells, “Food fight!” He's not lying. There's a hamburger and a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of mustard fighting on the beach.

Harold's wife finds out what Harold's been looking at all this time, and calls the cops. Luckily, the cop who shows up is a college dude, so Ginger convinces him to stay. And the party rages on!

By the way, eagle-eyed sleaze-beasts might recognize some of the party-goers: the chick from Joysticks  is guzzling champagne, and the chick from Boardinghouse is dancing wildly in a blue leotard!

And then everybody at the party – except for Sarah and the Doreen, diaper delivery service girl – go skinnydipping at the beach. Sarah and Doreen have a heart to heart, and Doreen tells our uptight protagonist to loosen up. That seems right. Loosen the fuck up, lady.

Also, you remember Captain Jack, the dope smuggler? He's cruising past the party when he gets wind that the navy is bearing down on him. So he orders his crew to get rid of the cargo. They toss garbage bags of marijuana off the boat, and naturally it starts drifting towards Sarah and the gang.

It is at this point when Uncle Carl, under the orders of his pushy fiance Julie, decides to drop in on his niece and see how things are going. He walks in and finds his house has been taken over by topless girls and jugglers in Space Invaders t-shirts.

Uncle Carl is very disappointed in Sarah. He wants everybody out in the morning, including Ginger and Ducky! Summer is cancelled!

Ginger and Ducky overhear their conversation. They don't want to be sent home! And so, they formulate the kind of plan you'd expect from girls named Ginger and Ducky. They'll seduce Carl! Ginger corners Uncle Carl in his sauna, where he's trying to relax. She works her blonde stoner chick charms on him.

Carl promptly passes out from the heat and the weed. Goodnight, uncle Carl.

The next morning, Sarah wakes up and surveys the wreckage. Everyone is still in the house, sleeping in piles on the floor. Ginger chases everybody out so they can clean up. And then she leaves Sarah to do it herself. Why is Sarah friends with these people?

Uncle Carl takes Ducky sailing. She takes off her top and then falls out of the boat. He has to jump out of the boat and save her. Then he has to give her mouth-to-mouth. She digs it. He digs it too, until his nosy neighbors show up. Anyway, all these boobs and smooches convince Uncle Carl to let Ginger and Ducky stay. Good job, girls. Summer is saved!

Wilhemina-the-nosy-neighbor calls Julie and tells her about all the sexy hijinks going on. Julie jumps into her limo and heads over to straighten shit out. Meanwhile, Ginger and Ducky find all of Captain Jack's weed. And then they throw another party. Everybody who shows up gets a baggie full of weed. Should be a good night. Even Sarah's excited. She teases her hair up and wears a bikini top (finally!).  She swills some booze and starts making out with random dudes. Scott doesn't like it, but fuck him, he doesn't own Sarah, she can do what she wants. Also, there's mud wrestling.

And then Julie stomps in on Carl and the girls in the sauna and fucks everything up.

She breaks off the engagement. Carl's not all that upset, really. Also, Julie gets high with the rookie cop and forgets why she was pissed in the first place. Also, the navy shows up and attacks the party. They march everybody out to the beach and execute them.

No, they don't do that. They do confiscate all the weed, though. Here's the problem, though. They decide to burn it all, right there on the beach. And anyone whose ever seen a Cheech and Chong movie knows how that goes.

Also, out of nowhere, Sarah pops off her top! And I will tell you this, it was worth the wait.

And so, everybody's stoned and getting laid and happy, even the gay navy guys and the nosy neighbors.
The end.

Not everything lands the way it should in The Beach Girls. For protagonists, Ginger and Ducky seems like awful people, and  you could excise the groundskeeper's tiresome pratfalling antics entirely, and it would not harm the film. But these are very minor complaints. For the most part, The Beach Girls pushes every 80's nostalgia button: bad music, big hair, lots of jiggling boobs, and the odd but pervasive notion that throwing an awesome party is more important than anything else you could ever do. Best of all, it introduces us to an uptight chick with a huge rack, lulls us into thinking we'll never see what's going on under those drab clothes, and then pops 'em out at the last possible moment. What a gift! The Beach Girls, like many films of the era, present us with a euphoric vision of the ideal summer, one that really only exists in movies like this. Still, it
gives you something to strive for. There's an Uncle Carl in all of us, I'm sure of it. Or at least Harold, the horny neighbor with the telescope.

- Ken McIntyre

PS Hear the gang talk about The Beach Girls on Episode 148 of the Movies About Girls Podcast!

The Malibu Bikini Shop (1986)

Directed by David Wechter
Starring Debra Blee, Barbara Horan, Galyn Gong, Ami Julius
Rated R
USA

"I broke up with a guy once because he didn't use sunblock."

Man, we were such suckers in the 80's. You've got to remember, as we take this journey through the decades together, just how difficult it was to get your hands on salient material twenty years ago. Getting your hands on actual pornography was at least as difficult as scoring weed, and twice as embarrassing. If you wanted to see naked girls - and you did, quite badly - your safest bet was R rated teen sex comedies, just like this one. The Malibu Bikini Shop would not last a week on the new release shelf of Blockbuster (or the most-seeded/downloaded list on Pirate Bay or wherever, to be more realistic), were it released today, but not only was it a hot rental for ages in the 80's, it also played on basic cable (with the tits scissored out, of course) and, if you were lucky, on late night premium cable, well into the 1990's. Why? Well, it certainly isn't for the laughs, because there aren't any, and it isn't for the story, which is ridiculous, and it isn't for the acting, which is either overwrought or negligible. It's because it's got girls in -and sometimes out - of bikinis, for it's entire duration. And in 1986, 99 minutes of perky boobs and butts in teeny bikinis was VHS gold.

Our epic opens with a bunch of idiots having the most awesome time ever trying on bathing suits. The girls in this shop are so psyched they actually dance while ringing shit up. Even the application of lipgloss is celebrated with boob-bouncing dances.

Some kid in a half-shirt and fruity shirts rolls into the joint on his oversized skateboard and rips down the curtain to the changing room, affording us our first tit-flashes at the very generous two-minute mark. And that's pretty much how life goes down at Ida's Bikini Shop. In Malibu, if the title is to be believed.

Cut to: Graduation day in some other, less awesome locale. Uptight Alan (Michael David Wright - even the actor's name is stiff!) is the only one in his group of pals that won't chug champagne while they wait for their diplomas, because he's too busy taking notes of the dean's droning speech. Later on, during his graduation party, we meet Alan's whiny, upper-crusty fiancé, Jane (the awesome double-D B-goddess Debra Blee, The Beach Girls, Savage Streets, Hamburger the Motion Picture), and her rich parents.

Jane's father has already hired Alan to work at his firm - whatever the fuck they do - and Jane has the rest of his life planned out, as well. But things take a turn for the weird when a dude shows up mid-party and hands Alan a telegram. Seems his aunt Ida drowned (while partying in the first scene), and he is requested to go to Malibu for the reading of the will. And so he goes.

Alan jets to west coast where he meets up dead aunt Ida's Snagglepuss-esque lawyer, Richard J Remington (the amazing Frank Nelson, 50's sitcom star and voice of innumerable Hanna Barbara cartoons. RIP) who informs that he now owns 51% of Ida's estate - a giant house and a tiny bikini shop on the beach. And who owns the other 49%? Why, Alan's good-for-nothing slacker brother Todd (Bruce Greenwood), of course. In fact, Todd's in the house, sitting in a lawn chair and swilling beer. The two brothers catch up: Todd had a solar-powered hot dog stand scheme brewing in Seattle, but then it rained for six weeks straight, and his dreams were dashed. Alan, on the other hand, is doing terrific. Since he's in a charitable mood, he asks his ne'er do well brother to be his best man at his wedding. Todd accepts the offer/challenge. They shake on it and head to the beach.

Remington shows them the bikini shop, which is naturally bustling with hot 80's chicks buying skimpy swimsuits.
"Mr. R, I think I've found my calling," announces Todd.
"Oh really?" Says Renmington. "And I had you figured for a brain surgeon."
Remington introduces the fellas to their scantily-clad employees: Cindy (Galyn Gorg), Cathy (Ami Julius, Hot Dog the Movie), and dramatic brunette beauty Ronnie (Barbara Horan).

Ronnie and Alan clearly have an instant connection. Todd, on the other hand, figures he's a shoo-in with both Cindy and Cathy. Or both. Anyway, he causes a ruckus which results in a display full of suntan lotion crashing down on Alan's head. Haha!

Todd, naturally, wants them to move into Ida's place and run the shop together. Alan, being the sober, business-minded type, wants to sell everything and split the cash. Since he has 51% of the controlling interest, he can pretty much do what he wants.

Undaunted, Todd takes over as manager at the store, instituting new innovations like encouraging his employees to actually wear bikinis while they work and installing a two-way mirror in the changing rooms to, erm, cut down on theft. His plan reaps benefits immediately, when a giant-breasted blonde comes in to try on a few suits, but then backfires moments later when an overweight woman tries to squeeze into a teeny bikini. Haha, gross!

Alan does his best to make the shop appear both presentable and profitable and lines up a potential buyer. She likes what she sees, but Alan is sabotaged when a loudmouth delivery man shows up with a package and demands COD, since Ida's hasn't had credit for years. So, it looks like they might be there awhile. Todd asks Cindy, Cathy, and Ronnie to move in to Ida's beach house with them - I mean, why not? - and they happily accept.

The first night, while Jane yaps away on the phone about wedding plans, Alan dreamily watches Ronnie outside, soaking in the hot tub. He fantasizes about making foggy 80's hot tub love to her, but is brought back to Earth by his fiance's shrill yammering. So that's going on.

Alan lines up another potential buyer - an older couple, looking for a quiet, low-key business to operate - but his, of course, thwarted by Todd, who sets up a "Sexiest Tan" contest in the front of the store that very day. Todd interviews the girls and they dance to awful 80's synth-pop.
It's going pretty good until one of the contestants, Margie (Jeana Loring), yanks her top off, and the cops show up to shut the contest down.

No probs, dude! Todd invites everybody to their house to party! It's a pretty happening soiree, too. Todd invites everybody into Ida's old bedroom, which has a revolving bed and a trapeze on the ceiling. He attempts to turn on the Sumo Wrestling Championship, but accidentally turns on one of his dead aunt's sex tapes instead. So they watch that. Alan, meanwhile, gets loaded on Budweiser and starts having fun, for once.

He even manages to get into the hot tub with Ronnie. For real, this time. The outcome, unfortunately, is the same. Jane shows up (also for real), demanding to know what's going on. Alan hems and haws and she drags him to a hotel for the night. Over dinner, he tells her he wants them to get married and then move to the beach house and run the store together, but she won't hear of it.

That night they make so-so 80's offscreen love, which Jane figures will get Alan back on board with her plans. After whining about whining to go sightseeing, Jane gets up to badger Alan further, and we finally get a halfway decent gander at Blee's magnificently bountiful rack. It's contained in a flimsy nightgown, but still, anyone who's seen The Beach Girls knows how awe-inspiring those things are.

Back at the shop, Alan and Todd argue about selling the shop. It's obvious that Alan wants to keep it, but he's under Jane's thumb. Some hippie fucker in a dashiki named Mr Greene (Jon Rashad Kamal) shows up, ready to buy the place on the spot. Todd and Ronnie and Cathy and Cindy all look wanly at Alan, hoping he'll refuse. Jane steps defiantly in front of them and stares her fiancé down.

So, Alan sells it. Mr Greene tells him he's going to turn it into a meditation center, which boils Alan's blood for some reason, so he demands it back. Greene says he'll sell it back for $6,000. Fucker.

So, Alan sends Jane packing. Personally, I would have put up with her just to see her naked on a semi-regular basis, but Alan's way into Ronnie now. So, he just has to figure out how to drum up six grand in two weeks to save the shop and live happily ever after. Todd comes up with the idea to cheaply produce a bikini that everybody will want, and then sell a zillion of them, and then they can all live happily ever after. But who will design this item? Well, it turns out that Ronnie goes to design school! Awesome!

For some nonsensical reason, Todd buys a giant box of green hospital scrubs and tells Ronnie she has to use them for the bikinis, because that's all that they can afford. She knocks it around in her head for awhile, and then comes up with a series of Rambo-esque bikinis. Cathy and Cindy model 'em. They look alright. Unfortunately, it turns into a while pointless music video that sorta looks like Motley Crue's Looks that Kill, only with a sub-Pointer Sisters dance track instead. So, that takes a while.

And then Ronnie and Alan make tender 80's love in the hot tub, which is filled with milky water, for some reason. That takes a while as well, and all we get is some smooshed side-boob for our efforts. Meanwhile, Jane and her dad jet back to Malibu to fuck things up for Alan.
"I don't even want to marry him anymore," she tells her dad. "I just want to ruin his life." And then she chomps down on a hot dog.

So, then there's an 80's fixin' stuff up montage, as the gang gets ready to sell their Rambo-kinis. So, that takes a while. And then they have a big show on the beach, with smoke and dancing and machine guns and kicking, to show off their goods and drum up sales. That also takes a while.

Todd got some help from the local teenage riffraff to put everything together, so lets them sit in front of the two-way mirror and gawk at the girls changing as payback. Score!

Sales are brisk, but Jane and dad show up at the last minute with a cop to queer the deal. Jane gets her dressed ripped off by one of the local hoodlums, so that's cool.

The cop chases after the kid, thwarting Jane's sabotage attempt, and so the shop is once again Alan's. Which, you would hope, would mark the end of the movie. Sadly, it does not. There's one final gag involving a bikini race to go before we get to the merciful release of the end-credits roll. I will not give it away, but I will say this: if you actually make it that far, it is a pretty awesome reward for your efforts.

At 99 minutes, Malibu Bikini Shop is mercilessly long. The final third of the film is padded with so much rock-video fluff that it becomes literally painful to watch. It's too bad, because with a little editing, this could have been a top-notch 80's teen-flick, a Beach Party throwback with bonus boobs. It is still worth a look for it's High 80's fashions and the generous dollops of boobs, but by all means, keep your thumb on the fast-forward button for the last 40 minutes.


This was the second-to-last film Debra Blee made. She followed it up a year later with the now-scarce Beach Fever (starring Kato Kaelin!) and then poof! She was gone. Miss Blee and her double-Ds are sorely missed. Director David Wechter parlayed his experience here filming half-naked gyrating girls into a long and lucrative career shooting the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders for various projects. Hey man, somebody's gotta do it.

Availability: The Malibu Bikini Shop is available on VHS.

- Ken McIntyre