Drew Carey Show: Season 9, Ep 22. Special guest, Maria Ford! (2004)

Directed by Thomas J Thompson
Starring Drew Carey, Ryan Styles, Deidrich Bader, Maria Ford
Genre: Sitcom

"Eggs and strippers. It's why people hide in the wheel-wells of 747's just to get to this country."

While it certainly has its own singular charms, the Drew Carey Show is, classically, not much of a resource for boner TV fans. It is, after all, a show about a pudgy, bespectacled everyman in an ill-fitting suit trying to get though the day without any major incidents. Guys who brew their own beer in their basements don't usually cavort with scads of beautiful women. That being said, the show was often quite funny. Craig Ferguson as Drew's whacked-out boss was a major highlight. Also, Christa Miller, Drew's best-bud Kate, was easy on the eyes, in a low-key sorta way. That is, until she butchered her mug with plastic surgery. By the way, did you know she was Susan Saint James' niece? True story. Also, she was on the cover of the first issue of fratboy boner rag Maxim. So there's that.

Anyway, the point is, you rarely had the opportunity to ogle on the Drew Carey show. And then, out of nowhere, at the tail end of the show's 9th season, the gang hits a strip club. And who's dancing at said establishment? Why, none other than everybody's favorite go-to B-movie stripper-actress, the glamorous Maria Ford!

Ford made a series of low-budget "erotic thrillers" and horror flicks for Roger Corman back in the 1990's. Sometimes she was a cop (Angel of Destruction, 1994), and sometimes she was part of an ancient fertility cult (Burial of the Rats, 1995), but most of the time (Stripped to Kill II, 1985; Dance of the Damned, 1989; Dance With Death, 1992; Stripteaser, 1995, Hot Ticket, 1996; Showgirl Murders, 1996), she played a stripper. While these racy roles made her a cult star, she reportedly hated doing so much nudity, and by the end of the 90's, her reign as a skin-bearing b-queen abruptly ended. She claims it was by design, although many think it was because of face-altering plastic surgery she underwent in 1998. For whatever reason, Maria drifted off the sleaze-beast radar and when she did pop up in the next few years, it was generally in minor walk-on roles in kidflicks. So who knows how she ended up back on the pole in this episode of Drew Carey, but there she is!

In the episode, Drew and his pals Oswald (Deidrich Bader) and Lewis (Ryan Stiles) decide to check out the new strip club that just opened in town. In the pre-credit scene, you can see our girl Maria kicking and grinding with abandon in a too-short pink micro-miniskirt as Drew and Lewis chomp on eggs and toast. They also cut away to Oswald, who is entertaining another stripper, Raven, with his hopeless attempts at card tricks. Raven is portrayed by Sirena Irwin, a voice actress known primarily as the voice of a fish on Spongebob Squarepants.

After the commercial break, we get back to the action at the club. Crystal (Ford) is still dancing for the fellas, but Drew's feeling guilty, because he didn't tell his girlfriend Kellie (Cynthia Watros) he was going. He decides to get some advice from Crystal.
"Excuse me, I need a woman's opinion. I have a question about relationships."
"Well, if it's about your relationship with your father, I'm probably not the best person to ask."
Ouch.
Later on, Crystal gives Lewis a lapdance, and Drew keeps badgering her about his girlfriend. She suggests he lies and tells her he went bowling. Problem solved. Then she bronskies Lewis, but her hard-as-rock boobs injure his neck, and he has to go the emergency room.

The next day, Lewis visits Drew wearing a collar. He tells him he wants to sue the strip club, and to do that, he'll need Drew's testimony. To do that, Drew has to admit that he lied about bowling to Kellie. She's pretty pissed about it.

So, they all go the arbitration, and Lewis attempts to extort $4 million dollars from the club. He does not get it, but everybody gets free passes to the strip club. So everybody wins.

Well, except for Crystal.

Even when the material failed her - and it often did - Maria Ford was a compelling, captivating presence during her 90's direct-to-video run. Most obviously, she was a stunner, with a flawless face and well-toned figure. She also imbued even the most basic roles with some sense of raw authenticity. Maria Ford acted as hard as she possibly could, all the time, even with the most basic, un-challenging roles. But perhaps her most endearing trait was the almost palpable anguish she so clearly felt when she found herself portraying another woozy stripper, another hapless victim, another shameless seductress. Maria wanted to be an A-list, dramatic actress so badly that it bled all over the screen. It made you want to root for her, to be on her team, somehow. Because we're all Maria Fords in someway or another, and just like her, we often end up settling for a life a lot less glitzy and glamorous than we'd hoped for. It is this last defining characteristic, as ethereal as it is, that resonates the loudest in this episode. Ten years later, and Maria finally gets a big break - and it's as a fuckin' stripper. Life is a killer, man.

That being said, as Drew Carey episodes go, "Assault With a Lovely Weapon" isn't bad. Lotsa cleavage, a few funny jokes, and gratuitous Maria Ford. That's pretty good for 22 minutes of mainstream situation comedy. Fans who haven't seen her since the mid 1990's might be taken aback with Ford's new look - her surgery really did fundamentally change the shape of her face - but underneath, she still exudes the heartbroken screen goddess that so enthralled us way-back-when.

Now, somebody put her in a real fuckin' movie so we can have a happy ending, ok?

- Ken McIntyre

Bionic Woman (1976)

Bionic Woman Season 1 Episode 6: Bionic Beauty
Directed by Alan Crosland, Jr. 
Starring Lindsay Wagner, Richard Anderson, Bert Parks 

Jaime Somers (Lindsay Wagner) was a tennis star who got in a skydiving accident and so they decided to make her bionic.  And then, since they paid so much to make her bionic (probably not as much as the Six Million Dollar man, maybe $80,000, something like this), they forced her to become a superspy to pay off the debt. I think that's how it worked. Anyway, the Bionic Woman started out on the Six Million Dollar Man, but in 1976, she got her own series. It ran for three seasons, from 1976 to 1978. It was a staple for all 70's kids, really, although it was never as popular as the Six Million Dollar Man. Probably  because Jaime never fought Bigfoot, like Steve Austin did. Anyway, in the first season, Jaime was always pining after Steve, and there were a few crossovers episodes. She was also still coming to terms with her newfound strength, so she broke stuff a lot. There was a basic formula that the show followed pretty religiously: Jaime goes undercover somewhere, the gig requires some goofy or sexy outfit, and she solves some very simple,  cartoony crime. And along the way, she breaks stuff.

At the beginning of the show, Jaime is puttering around at home, bringing a tree stump upstairs to karate chop into firewood, when her boss Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) shows up and starts buttering her up about what a beauty she is. Uh oh, sounds like a new assignment is afoot!

So Oscar gets a weird note from an agent about Miss Florida winning the Miss USA pageant. Just a hunch, but Oscar thinks there's trouble brewing. The only way to crack the case, naturally, is for Jaime to pose as Miss California and infiltrate the pageant. Make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to Jaime, though. Why not just call the agent and ask him what the fuck he's talking about?

Because he's fuckin' dead, Jaime. That's why.

Now we've got a story! Roll credits! By the way, I am disappointed with the Bionic Woman theme. I feel they could have worked harder on it.

So Jaime's at the hotel unpacking, rapping with her chaperone, Helen - is it her mom? Her aunt? Anyway, it's stuffy, so she opens the window, but she does it with such force, it shatters! Comic relief.

Later on Ray Raymond (Bert Parks, AKA the real Miss USA host!) does a little speech about their schedules and tells them all they have to pair off into little groups. Guess who's in Jaime's group? That's right, Miss Florida (Cassie Yates, who looks a lot like Lara Flynn Boyle)! And she's super mean.

Miss Florida walks away with Ray Raymond and Jaime listens in on them with her bionic ear. They've got some deal going. She'll win if she does what Ray wants. But what does Ray want? Even she doesn't know!

Now it's time for the talent portion of the show. One of the girls twirls a baton that's on fire. She's never twirled one on fire before. Seems like you'd practice a few times before the show.

Anyway, while that's going on, Jaime calls Oscar and ask if the Six Million Dollar man has been asking about her. C'mon Jaime, be professional.

And then Jaime sings Feelings! THE WHOLE SONG.

After her performance, the stage manager talks to Ray Raymond about how he saw Jaime making a phone call. Ray's not worried, though. Or is he?

He sort of is.

That night, Jaime jumps out the window and follows Ray around. He gets into a car with a satan-bearded guy and they talk about the plan. He's going to pass Miss Florida a package and after he declares her the winner, she'll take it with her on her private jet to Paris, where she'll hand it off to some other dude. The perfect crime! Except...nobody counted on Jaime's bionic ear picking up the whole sinister plan!

Here's the problem, though. It's bed check time, and Jaime's still out skulking around. She tries to make it back unnoticed, pretending she was in the shower the whole time, but vindictive Miss Florida gets her busted and Miss Belding grounds her.

Jaime tries to send Helen out to tell Oscar what's going on,  but she fucks it up and ends up confined to the room as well. But even with her bumbling, Helen helps Jaime figure out what's going on. Miss Florida is going to bring some stolen microchip or whatever, some spy gizmo, to an agent in Paris. Jaime gets so excited when she figures it out she smashes a table!

Finally, we get to the bathing suit portion of the pageant. It's pretty good. Jaime figures she's not going to get picked, so she can slink away and call Oscar, but then there's an upset, and she makes the finals!

By the way, during these scenes, they cut away to the audience and it's an audience from 1956.

After she puts on her evening gown for the final portion of the pageant, Jaime wanders around backstage picking up more bits of information. But the stage manager finds her and chloroforms her! Then he and Ray drag her downstairs and tell Miss Belding she's all drugged out.

So then they dump her on a couch and shoot her full of knockout juice and leave her there. Then Ray announces that she's sick, and won't be in the pageant. Oscar hears the announcement and rushes over there. Meanwhile, Jaime wakes up and starts bashing in doors like it's nobody's business. She's got to let Oscar know what's up, but how?

Well, she walks right onto the stage and stupid fucking Ray gives her a microphone. That's how! Jaimie blurts out the whole plan to millions of people!

The pageant continues. Oscar's rushing to the scene. The stage manager hands Ray a gun, presumably to kill everybody, if that's what it takes. Miss Florida and Miss California are the last two finalists. What happens next?

Well, cracking under the pressure, Ray pulls out the gun and shoots himself, right there on stage.

No, that's not what happens. Jaime gets crowned Miss California and Ray whispers to her not to make any sudden moves or they'll snuff Helen. And then they all head to the parking garage where Jaime fights a car in slow motion. And then Oscar shows up, and the bad guys are busted.

But hey, where was the goddamn microchip?

Turns out it was in Miss Florida's vagina the whole time.

No, really it was in Miss USA's scepter or magic wand, whatever it's called.

And then, we all laugh.

The end!

I have not seen this show since 1976, when I was seven years old. At the time, I remember being mostly unimpressed. I think this is because I did not find Miss Wagner attractive. I was more of Lynda Carter guy at age 7. I still am, really, but now I can also appreciate Lyndsay's beauty. So, it's got that going for it. Also, the special effects are terrible. Sub-Incredible Hulk, even. And I like that. I like how stupid the plot is, and how much mugging the supporting cast does. I've watched this episode three times this week, and I enjoyed it more each time. I cannot sit here and tell you that the Bionic Woman is a good show, because it is not. But I can tell you that it's really fun and goofy, and it's about as 70's as anything I've ever seen. Two bionic thumbs up!

- Ken McIntyre

Hot Springs Hotel Season 1, Episode 2

Episode Name: Cheerleaders 
Directed by: Ines Glenn Starring: Samantha Phillips, Robert Vitelli, Sabrina Allen 
Genre: Softcore/Sitcom

“Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!”

Having conquered the banks in the previous episode, new hotel owners Kat (Samantha Phillips) and Randy (Robert Vitelli) can get on with more important things. Like, for example, trying to beat the previous episode’s record of waiting only 1:30 before cramming in a sex scene. That’s a seriously tough ask, and one that lesser softcore sitcoms would crumble before even attempting. Let’s see how they go.
“Where the hell's my girlfriend?” says the following man.



Damn, dude. I don’t know. Losing your girlfriend is a real bummer though. Stick around - maybe we’ll find out.


Oh hey, look. There she is. About to have sex with Randy.
Eight seconds! Seriously nice work, Hot Springs Hotel. That’s getting your priorities in order. “I think my boyfriend's starting to suspect,” unnamed girlfriend says.
“Nah,” scoffs Randy.
They have the usual boring softcore-style sex, during which it becomes apparent that she has a particularly awful boob job.


Also, they’re having sex in front of a framed print of the painting ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, which seems appropriate for two reasons:
a) as a garish ‘80s commercialised appropriation of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting ‘Nighthawks’, it’s basically the artistic equivalent of a botched boob job.
b) appearing uncredited in a sex scene in Hot Springs Hotel probably isn’t the highlight of this girl’s life. Broken dreams indeed.
But anyway. Once that’s over and done with, it’s back to business. And this week, the hotel gets a visit from the Roadrunners’ Cheerleaders. They walk in already holding their pom poms, which seems fair. Also, every single one of them has pigtails.



They’re coached or fitness instructed or something by Kevin, who’s played by Jerry McNamara in his one and only acting role. Frankly, with his convincingly natural dialogue skills I’m surprised he didn’t get a spin-off series of his own.




Kat is pretty much immediately into him. This is the first time we’ve seen her express any interest in a guy, but to be fair there was only time for 16 minutes of plot in the last episode. It’s definitely her turn for a sex scene though, so you can bet that these two will be going at it soon.
But first, she needs to get some answers from Randy about this whole “first class health facility” and “special health meal” business. The health facility is the aerobics room, he explains. As for the meals, he goes to talk it over with Minnie (Sondra St Cyr, whose acting credits only extend as far as this show and one other film) in the kitchen.


She’s reading a book when he walks in. “I'm on chapter two,” she explains. “You know there are over forty different pots and pans? I liked bartending better.”
She received the special menu Randy provided, but notes that she’s going to have to make some substitutions.




The pause before “potatoes” cracks me up. You can actually see her trying to remember her line. Her lips even move. Terrific stuff. No time for retakes, we’ve got a softcore sitcom to produce!
Randy heads to the aerobics room, which looks more or less like a gym anyway, so I can’t quite work out Kat’s earlier problem. He’s attempting to fix one of the treadmills when cheerleader Marina (C.C. Costigan) walks up to point out it’s not plugged in.



Randy offers her a job as aerobics instructor based on this display of technical know-how. She accepts. Cheerleading doesn’t pay much, I guess, or maybe aerobics is a more prestigious position.
For some reason, Randy decides that he needs to get Kevin out of the hotel for the day, and he gets Kat to call and invite him out to shop for gym equipment. That leaves Randy alone with the girls, so he comes up with a few exercises for them.
Like ‘Jump From the Pool to Reach the Apple on a Stick’.



Like ‘Roll the Ball Between Yourself and Your Partner’.



“And hug your partner!” he says when it’s over, grabbing hold of big boobed partner Vicky (Sabrina Allen). “And feel their...heart beat.” Even the cheerleaders aren’t real convinced by that one.



Meanwhile, Kevin and Kat have finished shopping and are eating ice cream cones with a spoon, which seems like the most counterproductive thing ever.



Speaking of ice cream, Vicky’s been getting stuck into the supposed “tofu ice cream”, as well as the burgers and fries, and has a stomach ache. Randy finds her down by the pool and suggests that going back to his room might make her feel better.
She stands on the bed and performs a cheer, for some reason. “Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!” It doesn’t rhyme or make sense, but Randy doesn’t really care.



Then they have sex. Fortunately, unlike Randy’s previous conquest, Vicky has awesome boobs. Randy even motorboats them a couple of times to show his appreciation.
Afterwards, Randy does a cheer of his own. “How does that go again? Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Kathy!”
“Vicky!” she complains.
“Okay,” Randy shrugs.



Randy drags Vicky and the rest of the girls to the bar, where they’re joined by Minnie and Theo (Marc Revivo). They begin on the tequila, but it’s not too long before Kat and Kevin arrive back.
Luckily, Lacey (Glori Gold) meets them out by the pool before they head inside to the bar themselves. “The bar’s closed,” she says. “We’re having a private party.”
“Of course,” says Kat, getting the hint. “We’re having a private party.” So the two of them get into the pool instead.
“I just love a sports man,” Kat says.
“I just love sports fans,” replies Kevin. Then they have sex.



While that’s going on, everyone else in inside getting tanked on tequila. There’s musak and crazy camera angles and so forth. Midway into the scene, Randy asks Donna (Vickie Vogel) if she would like to be the hotel’s lifeguard. “I could do that,” she says. Then there’s more dancing and crazy camera angles.



WHOA.
Next day, it’s time for Kevin and the team to leave. Well, what’s left of the team anyway. “I don't know what it is about this place,” he says. “I came with five girls, now I'm leaving with two.” He doesn’t seem to worried though. Oh well. I guess cheerleaders are pretty easy to come by.
But wait, didn’t Randy only offer two girls jobs? Well, turns out Vicky missed the ride back. “Oops,” she says.


“Hey you were great last night,” Randy tells her. “Where'd you learn to mix a drink like that?”
“High school!” she chirps in reply. Course. He offers her a job bartending.
Hot Springs Hotel seems to get dumber by the episode, which is saying something given that this is only episode 2. Good job, Hot Springs Hotel.


- Alistair Wallis

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice: Season 1 Special Edition (2011)

Directed by Rob Longo
Starring Sarah Burns, Ella Jane New, Natalie LaSpina, Tara Lee
Unrated
USA


"When you wake up you will feel very different in the morning."

Being akin to the MAG YouTube favorite, Bikini Crime Fighter (of whose videos have been tragically removed from the internet) and countless other micro-budget productions created and produced by lonely dudes who have no shame about coercing innocent women to get their Cosplay on and pretend to act in front of what often looks like a camera phone video or VHS camcorder for what seems to be no other purpose than to give the creator a chance to get close to women who otherwise would intentionally avoid them and as a bonus get to play and replay the evidence of said interactions for their entire awkward existences.

Don't get me wrong, I am not attempting to discourage or berate the creators of these videos, but you do have to admit that its a bit creepy. Sure, it sounds like a great idea in your head, but I can only imagine what the ladies think when they show up for work in an alley or abandoned warehouse, are told to throw on a colored wig, grab a cardboard tube and pretend to fight with each other. At least porn is honest about its intent.

Fortunately, this world has no shortage of those brave enough to be creepy, and the web seriesVixens of Virtue, Vixens of Vice helps support this idea, albeit with a slightly lesser percentage of creep than other such offerings. If fact, besides the ample use of cleavage, there is nothing in this series that would discourage watches from lovers of campy fun of all ages.

The series concerns itself with the sibling rivalry of the superpower enabled Sweet Sisters(blue-haired Sweet Burden, who can control gravity, Sweet Burn, who can burn things, andSweet Frost, who can freeze stuff) and their ingenious villain kin, the Bitter Sisters (Bitter Evil, the mad scientist/inventor of the bunch, Bitter Pain, the ninja master, and Bitter Pill, the chemist of the crew).

While the Sweet Sisters are content enough in just being goodie-goodies and trying to find their parents, the Bitter Sisters are all about getting rid of their sisters altogether and while their at it, take over the world.

Not only do they have an ever expanding supply of "Bitter Bots" to help in their evil plots, but they also have recently created a fem-bot style cyborg named Bitter Metal. Strong enough to resist blades and bullets, Bitter Metal is the Bitter Sisters finest hope yet to destroy their sisters.

With 10 episodes coming in a less than an hour total, Season 1 of VOV/VOV does a good job at holding your attention, even if it is only to look at boobs. The plot is pretty clumsy and disjointed, the acting varies from terrible to vicariously enjoyable, and I having a sneaking suspicious that the actors aren't always the same from episode to episode, but as time wasting trash-candy, this is well worth a watch.

Get the DVD at MVD or directly from the official website. Until then, check out the sneak peek below.

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice Theme Song from Live Body on Vimeo.

- Jeremy Vaca