The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman Season 1 Ep 6 (2006)

The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman
Episode title: Peyote Ugly
Directed by Adam Kassen
Starring Laura Kightlinger, Nicholle Tom
Genre: Drunk-com

“Enjoy the cape!”

Perhaps the greatest innovation in television comedy in the 00’s has been the Completely Irresponsible Protagonist. Sure, this character has cropped up before, but usually as a sidekick: Leave it to Beaver’s teenage creep Eddie Haskel is clearly the proto irresponsible asshole, followed quickly by that whiny cretin Dr. Smith from Lost in Space. And who could forget Jack Tripper’s morally dubious best-bud Larry Dallas, or the willfully anarchic evil-nerd Squiggy? But it was in the past decade that these chaos-creating imps took center stage, from the UK Office’s clueless prick David Brent to Peep Show’s perverse loafer Jeremy, Trailer Park Boys’ drunk-bull-in-a-China-Shop Ricky, the entire cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and, perhaps the most irresponsible man…er, cup…in all of TV land, Master Shake from the Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Granted, he’s a milkshake, so it’s not like he’s beholden to the laws of a polite human society, but even for food, he’s a total asshole.

There are several reasons why this type of character would rise in prominence at this point in civilization. For one thing, they represent mayhem, and mayhem has quite suddenly become a major part of our lives, from the oppressive threat of terrorism to a cratered economy to the sheer terror of weather-gone-wild. We used to have a handle on mayhem. Now, it pretty much runs the show. Also, the internet’s relative anonymity has allowed many of us to unloose our inner id, flaming and trolling with remarkable cruelty, saying things that no sane individual would, if they had to attach their name to their statements. In essence, Master Shake IS the internet, come to goop-spurting life, outing you for the lame-o you are, right in your stupid face. The Completely Irresponsible Protagonist is us, if we were willing to get punched in the nose every single day.

However, despite the fact that there are just as many girl-jerks on the internet as boy-jerks, television still favors the be-testicled asshole. On TV, at least, ladies are still the voice of reason, with a few very notable exceptions. Selma Blair’s Kim, from the short-lived American version of the long-running Australian series, Kath and Kim, was an amazing ly obnoxious character, a preening, over-aged mall-princess with so many different glares and withering stares she often appeared to be suffering from chronic facial tics. Sure, she was based entirely on an already established character, but even so, it’s rare to find a female lead in a sitcom that’s so gleefully repellent. Also worth noting is Nighty Night’s remarkable horror Jill Tyrell (Julia Davis, who also wrote the series). This pitch-black Brit-com (2004-2005) starred Davis as a beauty salon owner, stalker, and unrepentant sociopath who just might be the most disturbing sitcom lead of all time, ever.

And then there’s Jackie Woodman.

Laura Kightlinger was/is a mid-level stand-up comic who found fame and fortune as a sitcom writer for Roseanne and Will and Grace. She was also, briefly, a writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live (1995), and she’s acted in various TV shows and movies – from Lucky Louie to Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy – since the early 90’s. Despite her mainstream success, much like fellow SNL alumni Norm McDonald, she always seemed more cynical and with-it than her roles and writing gigs would suggest. The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, which ran on IFC for two painfully brief seasons in 2006-2007, certainly gives this theory some credence. In it, Kightlinger plays the titular Jackie, a boozy, drug-fueled entertainment journalist for a snooty LA magazine that she despises. She aspires to be a successful screenwriter, but is usually too drunk/hungover to accomplish anything. Her best friend, Tara (Nicholle Tom) is a ditzy, sexually-impulsive blonde-mess. In essence, they are the living embodiment of Master Shake and Meatwad, a lazy psychotic and her dimwitted companion out for cheap thrills. Kightlinger has stated that the show is, mostly, based on her own life, and that the stories are “85%” true. While that is clearly bad news for Kightlinger’s liver, it brings a gruesome sort of gravity to the show; Jackie is Laura without the dough, connections, and lucky breaks.

The first season was a straightforward raunchfest, but the following season added a few dollops of poignancy here and there. For example, in one episode, Jackie has to decide who she hates more – her mom's homophobic new boyrfiend, or her snotty, dismissive, gay coworker; in another, she has a pregnancy scare, which sobers her up for five minutes. Luckily, these dramatic moments are usually offset by a bolt of shock humor: Jackie and her drug-buzzing new boyfriend beat a punk rocker to a pulp in a club men's room, Tara has sex with a premature ejaculator wearing a clown mask, Jackie and mom guzzle whiskey and play Russian roulette. Shit like that. It's like Kightlinger knows, deep down, that she's supposed to have “feelings”, but she just finds them much less interesting than moments of druggy chaos.

Jackie Woodman was just hitting its stride when IFC pulled the plug; I imagine Laura would have pushed Jackie and Tara into doing some truly unspeakable things by Season 3. Luckily, we've still got these sixteen hair-raising episodes to remember Miss Woodman by.

In Peyote Ugly, Jackie wins a $10,000 grant from a Native American charity association to shoot a short-film; she applied for the grant as “Jackie White Pigeon Woodman”, justifying her actions by explaining to Tara that her grandfather lived on a reservation. Sure, it's because he was a down-on-his-luck drunk, but still. In a rare moment of moral outrage, Tara tells Jackie she thinks this is a bad idea.
“Well, there's two schools of thought on this,” says Jackie, sucking down a morning beer.
“One, suck it. And two, we already have the money, so who gives a shit?”

So, they cash the check and go shopping. Jackie spends $9000 on a belt and a lace shawl. The counter girl calls it a cape. That's gotta be a bad sign.

Back at Jackie's, Tara needs something to clean up the bloody Mary she just spilled, so she grabs Jackie's award letter. While she sops up the tomato juice, she reads what the letter says. Turns out Jackie has to submit five edited minutes of her non-existent Native American-themed film within two weeks or she has to return the money. Yikes. What to do?

Well, Tara smokes some weed. Meanwhile, a suddenly panicked Jackie digs up her original proposal and finds out it's supposed to be some bullshit about how the white man has driven the sacred Native American peyote ritual underground. Her theoretical film would document one of these “Sacred spirit quests”. Of course, you really have to be a member of a tribe to attend one of these things, so that's gonna be tricky.
“I need you, Tara,” Jackie implores. “You have this ability to connect with, and if the situation calls for it, to fuck, the common man.”
Tara agrees.
“Great. I'll go find my camera, you go find some Indians.”

Tara decides to hit the online personals to find a Jackie's “Indians”. She comes across a fledgling Native American actor named Russell Two Clouds, who agrees to get them into a peyote ceremony if they put him in their movie. Done and done.

Two Clouds turns out to be kind of a douche, reciting Shakespeare and mugging for the camera and whatnots. At least he makes good on his word, and takes them to the ceremony.

Here's the thing, though; once you're in the circle, you gotta drink the peyote punch. Those are the rules.

After projectile-vomiting on their guests, the now stoned-to-the-tits phony documentary filmmakers stagger away.
They both have a weird psychedelic trip with lots of bright colors and groovy sounds. Tara wanders off to renew her passport (or something), while Jackie stops at an oasis cafe where a mustachioed girl serves her drinks and seats her with a turtle who talks to her in her mother's voice.

After a day of tripping balls, night falls on the desert, and the girls decide to camp there for the evening. Luckily, the tribesmen have provided them with some sleeping bags. Tara doesn't think she can sleep, though. Jackie says she has just the thing, and lipsynch's Nancy Sinatra's “Sugar Town”.

That does the trick, and the girls slip off to slumberland.

And then they wake up a few hours later, covered in cuts and scratches from falling asleep in a patch of cactus.

Cut to: later that morning. The girls are back at Jackie's, wrapped in bandages.
“I work in an office, Jackie,” Tara whines. “I can't afford to be an insane fuck-up. What am I gonna do?”
“Call in sick,” Jackie suggests.
“And then what?”
“And then we'll buy a hat.”

Sounds about right. Oh, and what about the movie? Jackie sends 'em a cracked DVD. Hey man, it's not her fault if the post office destroyed the only copy of her masterpiece.

If you're a fan of chemically-dependent lunatics, you owe it to yourself to check out The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman. Season one is out on DVD. Season two...well, it's around. Snap 'em up to see Laura Kightlinger in the role she was born to play: Evil Laura Kightlinger.



- Ken McIntyre

Voodoun Blues (2004)

Voodoun Blues – a short film
Directed by Misty Mundae
Starring Katie Bardeux, Misty Mundae
Unrated 
USA

This should be subtitled Misty Mundae Goes to Film School, ‘cuz that’s what it is – a 6 minute, black and white, 16MM experimental short from the underground sleaze-cinema’s once-reigning scream queen. Who else but Misty Mundae would get a whole fuckin’ DVD release for her student film? What other snuff fetish model cum superhero fetish model would be afforded such an indulgence? Who else but Spider Babe could get a sap like, well, you to actually buy it? Nobody, baby, which is why if anybody is gonna make a movie about voodoo, it ought to be Misty, because she obviously knows how to use it.

As far as Voodoun Blues itself goes, it looks EXACTLY like a young hipster’s first film. It’s got quirky stop-motion animation of a topless chick freaking out while sitting at a vanity, surrounded by voodoo-ey knick-knacks like dolls made of string and candles. It’s got a mysterious woman-in-black that cuts open the crazy girl’s hand, and it’s got Misty herself, writhing around in bed, dreaming up all this madness. Then she wakes up in a cold sweat, only to find…her hand is bleeding! Yikes! Voodoo!

The scratchy 16mm stock and the creepy goth-blooze soundtrack definitely add to the druggy, off-kilter feel of the film. The fetish-y camera gaze brings to mind Richard Kern, and the staccato weird-girl animation is pure Kenneth Anger. Misty might make sleazy junk for a living, but it’s apparent from this short that she aspires to create some kind of greasy outlaw art. Just don’t let her try and explain that to you, or it’ll completely fuck up the art-girl scheme.

The truly awesome part of this DVD-EP, you see, is Misty’s meandering explanation about Voodoun Blues, which essentially boils down to some old broad giving her the hairy eyeball in the jewelry aisle at Target. But holy crow, does she take forever to tell the story. It’s amazing, this interview, and if I had the time, I would transcribe the whole friggin’ thing for you, cuz it’s about 6 hours’ worth (Ok, 5 minutes, but it feels longer) of, “She was all fucked up like, Hepatitis-having, ready to die, eyes all like, bloody and fuckin’ nasty and caked with eye liner, and I was like, whoa!”

Classic. Anybody that’s ever endured the ‘wit and candor’ of an artschool chick cuz they heard she was easy will have fond flashbacks when they land on this. Oh, and the interview’s punchline, when Misty talks about the film’s premiere at school, is pretty great, too : “I thought they were all going to hate it, but they liked it. Turns out, they were all really easy to please.”

More bonus bits: Misty’s cohorts show off their arty stuff, too, with a couple of equally experimental (and short) films. Cameraman Joe Miller’s “Sour Milk” is an inspired bit of Zedd-style punk nihilism, and her co-star Katie Bordeux shoots for shock and awe with the bloody “Night of the Whorror Hoppers”. Oh,and there's  lots of shots of Misty smoking while operating her camera, too. I still hate art, but this was kinda fun.

- Ken

Hot Springs Hotel Season 1, Episode 2

Episode Name: Cheerleaders 
Directed by: Ines Glenn Starring: Samantha Phillips, Robert Vitelli, Sabrina Allen 
Genre: Softcore/Sitcom

“Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!”

Having conquered the banks in the previous episode, new hotel owners Kat (Samantha Phillips) and Randy (Robert Vitelli) can get on with more important things. Like, for example, trying to beat the previous episode’s record of waiting only 1:30 before cramming in a sex scene. That’s a seriously tough ask, and one that lesser softcore sitcoms would crumble before even attempting. Let’s see how they go.
“Where the hell's my girlfriend?” says the following man.



Damn, dude. I don’t know. Losing your girlfriend is a real bummer though. Stick around - maybe we’ll find out.


Oh hey, look. There she is. About to have sex with Randy.
Eight seconds! Seriously nice work, Hot Springs Hotel. That’s getting your priorities in order. “I think my boyfriend's starting to suspect,” unnamed girlfriend says.
“Nah,” scoffs Randy.
They have the usual boring softcore-style sex, during which it becomes apparent that she has a particularly awful boob job.


Also, they’re having sex in front of a framed print of the painting ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, which seems appropriate for two reasons:
a) as a garish ‘80s commercialised appropriation of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting ‘Nighthawks’, it’s basically the artistic equivalent of a botched boob job.
b) appearing uncredited in a sex scene in Hot Springs Hotel probably isn’t the highlight of this girl’s life. Broken dreams indeed.
But anyway. Once that’s over and done with, it’s back to business. And this week, the hotel gets a visit from the Roadrunners’ Cheerleaders. They walk in already holding their pom poms, which seems fair. Also, every single one of them has pigtails.



They’re coached or fitness instructed or something by Kevin, who’s played by Jerry McNamara in his one and only acting role. Frankly, with his convincingly natural dialogue skills I’m surprised he didn’t get a spin-off series of his own.




Kat is pretty much immediately into him. This is the first time we’ve seen her express any interest in a guy, but to be fair there was only time for 16 minutes of plot in the last episode. It’s definitely her turn for a sex scene though, so you can bet that these two will be going at it soon.
But first, she needs to get some answers from Randy about this whole “first class health facility” and “special health meal” business. The health facility is the aerobics room, he explains. As for the meals, he goes to talk it over with Minnie (Sondra St Cyr, whose acting credits only extend as far as this show and one other film) in the kitchen.


She’s reading a book when he walks in. “I'm on chapter two,” she explains. “You know there are over forty different pots and pans? I liked bartending better.”
She received the special menu Randy provided, but notes that she’s going to have to make some substitutions.




The pause before “potatoes” cracks me up. You can actually see her trying to remember her line. Her lips even move. Terrific stuff. No time for retakes, we’ve got a softcore sitcom to produce!
Randy heads to the aerobics room, which looks more or less like a gym anyway, so I can’t quite work out Kat’s earlier problem. He’s attempting to fix one of the treadmills when cheerleader Marina (C.C. Costigan) walks up to point out it’s not plugged in.



Randy offers her a job as aerobics instructor based on this display of technical know-how. She accepts. Cheerleading doesn’t pay much, I guess, or maybe aerobics is a more prestigious position.
For some reason, Randy decides that he needs to get Kevin out of the hotel for the day, and he gets Kat to call and invite him out to shop for gym equipment. That leaves Randy alone with the girls, so he comes up with a few exercises for them.
Like ‘Jump From the Pool to Reach the Apple on a Stick’.



Like ‘Roll the Ball Between Yourself and Your Partner’.



“And hug your partner!” he says when it’s over, grabbing hold of big boobed partner Vicky (Sabrina Allen). “And feel their...heart beat.” Even the cheerleaders aren’t real convinced by that one.



Meanwhile, Kevin and Kat have finished shopping and are eating ice cream cones with a spoon, which seems like the most counterproductive thing ever.



Speaking of ice cream, Vicky’s been getting stuck into the supposed “tofu ice cream”, as well as the burgers and fries, and has a stomach ache. Randy finds her down by the pool and suggests that going back to his room might make her feel better.
She stands on the bed and performs a cheer, for some reason. “Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!” It doesn’t rhyme or make sense, but Randy doesn’t really care.



Then they have sex. Fortunately, unlike Randy’s previous conquest, Vicky has awesome boobs. Randy even motorboats them a couple of times to show his appreciation.
Afterwards, Randy does a cheer of his own. “How does that go again? Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Kathy!”
“Vicky!” she complains.
“Okay,” Randy shrugs.



Randy drags Vicky and the rest of the girls to the bar, where they’re joined by Minnie and Theo (Marc Revivo). They begin on the tequila, but it’s not too long before Kat and Kevin arrive back.
Luckily, Lacey (Glori Gold) meets them out by the pool before they head inside to the bar themselves. “The bar’s closed,” she says. “We’re having a private party.”
“Of course,” says Kat, getting the hint. “We’re having a private party.” So the two of them get into the pool instead.
“I just love a sports man,” Kat says.
“I just love sports fans,” replies Kevin. Then they have sex.



While that’s going on, everyone else in inside getting tanked on tequila. There’s musak and crazy camera angles and so forth. Midway into the scene, Randy asks Donna (Vickie Vogel) if she would like to be the hotel’s lifeguard. “I could do that,” she says. Then there’s more dancing and crazy camera angles.



WHOA.
Next day, it’s time for Kevin and the team to leave. Well, what’s left of the team anyway. “I don't know what it is about this place,” he says. “I came with five girls, now I'm leaving with two.” He doesn’t seem to worried though. Oh well. I guess cheerleaders are pretty easy to come by.
But wait, didn’t Randy only offer two girls jobs? Well, turns out Vicky missed the ride back. “Oops,” she says.


“Hey you were great last night,” Randy tells her. “Where'd you learn to mix a drink like that?”
“High school!” she chirps in reply. Course. He offers her a job bartending.
Hot Springs Hotel seems to get dumber by the episode, which is saying something given that this is only episode 2. Good job, Hot Springs Hotel.


- Alistair Wallis

The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith
Starring the chick from Saved and some jerks
Rated R
USA

"We're not cutting his leg off with a fucking hunting knife, Jeff. "

If you raked up some leaves in your backyard and hid one of your friends underneath, and then made a movie about the leaves coming to life and chasing people, you’d probably look at the resultant footage and think, “Well, that was a dumb fucking idea.” Then you’d erase it and shoot homemade porn instead. Right? Well, Carter Smith took the idea and tossed several million dollars at it. And now it’s too late to erase.

If you’ve seen the trailer, you know the whole plot. Bunch of dumb kids on vacation in Mexico get chased by weird locals to the top of a Mayan temple, and then the leaves and vines in the temple try to kill them. And since there is nothing remotely frightening about plants, they try and liven up the proceedings with some gooey self-mutilation, which seems to be a requirement of all R-rated teen horror films since Cabin Fever. It was no fun to watch then, and guess what? Still no fun.

The only high-point of this entire tedious affair is the lead blonde, Laura Ramsey. She has very large breasts, and she bares them in the first ten minutes.

Also, she is, in fact, in her underwear for the last hour of the movie, but at that point she’s covered in open sores, which sorta ruins it. Maybe that’s why this movie is called The Ruins, because it ruins any fun you could possibly have watching it. If so, good call.

- Ken 

Foul Play (1978)

Directed by Colin Higgins

Starring Goldie Hawn, Chevy Chase, Dudley Moore 

Rated PG

USA

“ Take these. Without them, you are a walking light-bulb... waiting to be screwed.” 

The arch-bishop of San Francisco (I have no idea if that’s a real thing; seems feasible enough) has a murderous twin-brother who happens to be a member of a nameless revolutionary group. Said group plans to make a statement by assassinating  the pope while he’s in town visiting  the opera (!). In order to achieve this goal, first he assassinates his twin brother and takes over his duties. Then he hires a trio of hitmen to pull off the job. This team consists of a guy with a giant, jagged scar ripped down the middle of his face (Return of the Living Dead’s cremator, Don Calfa), a creaky old bastard called “The Dwarf” (Marc Lawrence, who is not dwarf-y in the slightest), and an albino (William Frankfather)  named Whitey Jackson (!) who, distractingly, looks just like SNL’s Jon Hader in a Col. Sanders outfit. 

So, that’s the plan. Seems flawless enough. But there’s one complication. Goldie Hawn.

She plays a librarian (!) named Gloria, who picks up a hitchhiker one fateful day. He happens to be an undercover cop about to bust the pope assassination scheme wide open, but he’s being hotly pursued by the albino and his gang. He hides the photographic evidence of the plot in a cigarette pack and asks Gloria to hold it for him. She thinks he just wants to quit smoking. They agree to meet later that evening at the Nu-art Theater (which is actually in LA, but whatever) for a ‘date’, and she’s supposed to give him back the cig pack then.

The Nu-art, by the way, is managed by a smarmy, licentious Chuck McCann, who is having an affair with one his ushers, played by Russ Meyer’s Up!/Slumber Party ’57 star Janet Wood! 

Anyway, when the undercover cop shows up, he’s already bleeding to death. Gloria reports the crime but the body quickly vanishes, so everybody thinks she’s just some kind of  nut. I should mention at this point that Goldie Hawn looks amazing in glasses. However, she does not look like what they probably intended, i.e. “smart” Goldie. She still looks like  ditzy Goldie, just a hot-nerd ditzy Goldie. 

Before he croaked, the cop told Gloria to “Beware of the dwarf”. So when she hears a dwarf was looking for her at the library, she starts to get nervous. Things really get dicey for our heroine when the albino shows up and attacks her in the stacks. She escapes his clutches and runs through the streets looking for safety. She ducks into a bar and picks up a harmless looking schlub named Stanley (Dudley Moore), insisting he take her home immediately. He agrees. As you would. 

Of course, she’s not out for sex, just a temporary safe haven. Unaware of this, Stanley pulls out all the ridiculous pervy-dude stops, including porno 8mm loops projecting on the wall, Bee Gees blaring away on his Quadrophonic stereo, blow-up dolls, disco lights, a drop-down bed, the whole bit. She’s pretty horrified at this display and promptly storms out. 

When she gets home, scar-face is waiting for her. She stabs him with knitting needles and then the albino shows up and stabs him in the heart. Then he knocks her out and dumps the body. Long story short, rogue police detective Tony (Chevy Chase) and his partner Fergie (Brian Dennehy) are assigned to the case. Naturally they think Gloria’s insane (dwarves, albinos, missing bodies, etc), but Tony’s sweet on her, so they go along with the ruse. Eventually they figure out she’s legit, and it’s up to Tony and Goldie to get to the opera house in time to stop the sinister plot before the pope is popped. Along the way, they destroy nearly every car in SF. 

Oh, also: a dwarf bible salesman (Billy Barty) shows up at Gloria’s. She thinks he’s the dwarf assassin and throws him out the window! 

Foul Play is marred a bit by a syrupy Barry Manilow soundtrack, but otherwise it’s a fun and twisty ride. The plot is ridiculous, but for the most part, the cast plays it all pretty straight, making this more of an action movie with laughs  than a straight comedy with action/mystery elements. Speaking of ridiculous, casting Goldie as a librarian  is almost as insane as casting Chevy Chase as a functional, no-nonsense cop. So, clearly, a few leaps-of-faith are required for maximum enjoyment.  Everybody’s game, though, and Foul Play is littered with great character actors, including Burgess Meredith as Gloria’s feisty landlord, Reform School Girls’ own Pat Ast as the madame of a low-rent rub n’ tug, and Marilyn Sokol as Gloria’s man-hating best bud Stella. Also – and this may be a singular thrill – I very much enjoyed peeping at all the stereo systems so prominently (and inexplicably) featured throughout the proceedings…so much  8 track!

Anyway, fun, kooky stuff, well worth a look. 

- Ken 

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice: Season 1 Special Edition (2011)

Directed by Rob Longo
Starring Sarah Burns, Ella Jane New, Natalie LaSpina, Tara Lee
Unrated
USA


"When you wake up you will feel very different in the morning."

Being akin to the MAG YouTube favorite, Bikini Crime Fighter (of whose videos have been tragically removed from the internet) and countless other micro-budget productions created and produced by lonely dudes who have no shame about coercing innocent women to get their Cosplay on and pretend to act in front of what often looks like a camera phone video or VHS camcorder for what seems to be no other purpose than to give the creator a chance to get close to women who otherwise would intentionally avoid them and as a bonus get to play and replay the evidence of said interactions for their entire awkward existences.

Don't get me wrong, I am not attempting to discourage or berate the creators of these videos, but you do have to admit that its a bit creepy. Sure, it sounds like a great idea in your head, but I can only imagine what the ladies think when they show up for work in an alley or abandoned warehouse, are told to throw on a colored wig, grab a cardboard tube and pretend to fight with each other. At least porn is honest about its intent.

Fortunately, this world has no shortage of those brave enough to be creepy, and the web seriesVixens of Virtue, Vixens of Vice helps support this idea, albeit with a slightly lesser percentage of creep than other such offerings. If fact, besides the ample use of cleavage, there is nothing in this series that would discourage watches from lovers of campy fun of all ages.

The series concerns itself with the sibling rivalry of the superpower enabled Sweet Sisters(blue-haired Sweet Burden, who can control gravity, Sweet Burn, who can burn things, andSweet Frost, who can freeze stuff) and their ingenious villain kin, the Bitter Sisters (Bitter Evil, the mad scientist/inventor of the bunch, Bitter Pain, the ninja master, and Bitter Pill, the chemist of the crew).

While the Sweet Sisters are content enough in just being goodie-goodies and trying to find their parents, the Bitter Sisters are all about getting rid of their sisters altogether and while their at it, take over the world.

Not only do they have an ever expanding supply of "Bitter Bots" to help in their evil plots, but they also have recently created a fem-bot style cyborg named Bitter Metal. Strong enough to resist blades and bullets, Bitter Metal is the Bitter Sisters finest hope yet to destroy their sisters.

With 10 episodes coming in a less than an hour total, Season 1 of VOV/VOV does a good job at holding your attention, even if it is only to look at boobs. The plot is pretty clumsy and disjointed, the acting varies from terrible to vicariously enjoyable, and I having a sneaking suspicious that the actors aren't always the same from episode to episode, but as time wasting trash-candy, this is well worth a watch.

Get the DVD at MVD or directly from the official website. Until then, check out the sneak peek below.

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice Theme Song from Live Body on Vimeo.

- Jeremy Vaca

White Lies (1998)

Directed by Kari Scogland
Starring: Sarah Polley, Tanya Allen, Jonathon Scarfe, Lynn Redgrave
Unrated
Canada

Who would have thought that the Canadians, our kinder, gentler cousins up north, the Stepford Wives of the Western world, would have the same problems with white power goons as we do? I guess wherever you put a bunch Caucasians together, crosses will eventually get burned, and bad punk rock will fill the air. And so it goes in White Lies. Originally a made for TV movie, it tells the strange and terrible tale of Catherine Chapman (Sarah Polley- the Canadian Uma Thurman), an idealistic high school student who begins to notice a disparity in the treatment of whites and minorities in Canadian society, particularly in hiring practices. She was looked over, you see, for a job at McDonald's because she didn't speak Korean. Never mind that there are half a million jobs a Korean born woman living in Canada would lose out to her- she wants to flip her goddamn burgers, and she's willing to join a neo-nazi group to do it. By the way,  Canadians call them "Nutzis".

This group is called the National Identity Movement, a shadowy activist group led by Lynn Redgrave (!). Catherine begins airing her vague grievances on their website. Eventually, they ask her to start writing for their newsletter, and she becomes a poster girl for white power, even going so far as to date the lead singer for one of those awful skinhead punk bands. It's interesting that she gets sexier as she gets more evil, going from cornsilk wallflower to red and black racist glam in one church torching. Eventually, though, saner heads prevail, and Catherine has a last minute change of heart, but not before much havoc is wreaked on the streets of Ontario as a result of her big mouth.

Belying it's TV origins, the language in White Lies is pretty subdued for a movie about nazis, but otherwise, it's a tightly wound ball of racial tension that speeds to it's climax with an escalating series of atrocities and rampant stupidity from the NIM camp and plenty of scenery chewing from Redgrave and smoldering sex appeal from Polley. The only problem with this film is the same as any movie about white power movements- it's never really explained just what 'white culture' these jackasses are trying to preserve. Country music and baseball? They can have it, man.

This DVD edition of White Lies also features a wordy but smart 'making of' featurette that, at the very least, will show you how to successfully film a giant cross burning in a rain storm. Who knows? It might come in handy someday.

- Ken