The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith
Starring the chick from Saved and some jerks
Rated R
USA

"We're not cutting his leg off with a fucking hunting knife, Jeff. "

If you raked up some leaves in your backyard and hid one of your friends underneath, and then made a movie about the leaves coming to life and chasing people, you’d probably look at the resultant footage and think, “Well, that was a dumb fucking idea.” Then you’d erase it and shoot homemade porn instead. Right? Well, Carter Smith took the idea and tossed several million dollars at it. And now it’s too late to erase.

If you’ve seen the trailer, you know the whole plot. Bunch of dumb kids on vacation in Mexico get chased by weird locals to the top of a Mayan temple, and then the leaves and vines in the temple try to kill them. And since there is nothing remotely frightening about plants, they try and liven up the proceedings with some gooey self-mutilation, which seems to be a requirement of all R-rated teen horror films since Cabin Fever. It was no fun to watch then, and guess what? Still no fun.

The only high-point of this entire tedious affair is the lead blonde, Laura Ramsey. She has very large breasts, and she bares them in the first ten minutes.

Also, she is, in fact, in her underwear for the last hour of the movie, but at that point she’s covered in open sores, which sorta ruins it. Maybe that’s why this movie is called The Ruins, because it ruins any fun you could possibly have watching it. If so, good call.

- Ken