Jennifer's Body (2009)

Directed by Karyn Kusama
Starring Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried
R
USA

"What's up, Vagisil?"

Despite the fact that it starred then-Hollywood It girl Megan Fox, Jennifer’s Body tanked at the box office. Why? Because the script is fucking atrocious is why. I swear, Diablo Cody is the luckiest terrible writer on the planet. "You give me such a wetty"?! Fuck.

Anyway, Jennifer’s Body stars Megan Fox as Jennifer, the hottest girl in school, who is best friends with Needy, played by Amanda Seyfried, who is the nerdiest kid in school. So that’s not right. Also, there’s nothing nerdy looking about Amanda Seyfried, she just wears glasses. They find some band on Myspace called Low Shoulder and go to see them. The band happens to be dabbling in the occult, so they kidnap Jennifer one night when the local club burns down, and they sacrifice her. This would be kinda awesome if they looked like the kind of people who might kidnap hot chicks and sacrifice them, like Marduk or something.

But they don't, they look like actors wearing mascara, which is what they are.

Anyway, turns out she’s not a virgin, so instead of dying, she becomes a vampire-demon sorta thing who can set her tongue on fire. And that’s what happens.

Bottom line? Amazingly, it’s completely skippable. You not really missing anything. I like the poster. I would rather own the poster than the DVD. It’s a shame, because Megan Fox is perfect for the role, and she's great to look at, and with a decent writer, it could have been a very funny, gory movie.

PS When she was in high school, people threw ketchup packets at Megan Fox. That’s pretty much the only interesting fact I have about her. Also, she's wicked into Jesus now.

PPS: I originally saw this in the theater. During the lesbian make-out scene, you could hear boners popping all over the place. Boings! everywhere. So there's that.

- Ken McIntyre