Hot Springs Hotel Season 1, Episode 2

Episode Name: Cheerleaders 
Directed by: Ines Glenn Starring: Samantha Phillips, Robert Vitelli, Sabrina Allen 
Genre: Softcore/Sitcom

“Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!”

Having conquered the banks in the previous episode, new hotel owners Kat (Samantha Phillips) and Randy (Robert Vitelli) can get on with more important things. Like, for example, trying to beat the previous episode’s record of waiting only 1:30 before cramming in a sex scene. That’s a seriously tough ask, and one that lesser softcore sitcoms would crumble before even attempting. Let’s see how they go.
“Where the hell's my girlfriend?” says the following man.



Damn, dude. I don’t know. Losing your girlfriend is a real bummer though. Stick around - maybe we’ll find out.


Oh hey, look. There she is. About to have sex with Randy.
Eight seconds! Seriously nice work, Hot Springs Hotel. That’s getting your priorities in order. “I think my boyfriend's starting to suspect,” unnamed girlfriend says.
“Nah,” scoffs Randy.
They have the usual boring softcore-style sex, during which it becomes apparent that she has a particularly awful boob job.


Also, they’re having sex in front of a framed print of the painting ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, which seems appropriate for two reasons:
a) as a garish ‘80s commercialised appropriation of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting ‘Nighthawks’, it’s basically the artistic equivalent of a botched boob job.
b) appearing uncredited in a sex scene in Hot Springs Hotel probably isn’t the highlight of this girl’s life. Broken dreams indeed.
But anyway. Once that’s over and done with, it’s back to business. And this week, the hotel gets a visit from the Roadrunners’ Cheerleaders. They walk in already holding their pom poms, which seems fair. Also, every single one of them has pigtails.



They’re coached or fitness instructed or something by Kevin, who’s played by Jerry McNamara in his one and only acting role. Frankly, with his convincingly natural dialogue skills I’m surprised he didn’t get a spin-off series of his own.




Kat is pretty much immediately into him. This is the first time we’ve seen her express any interest in a guy, but to be fair there was only time for 16 minutes of plot in the last episode. It’s definitely her turn for a sex scene though, so you can bet that these two will be going at it soon.
But first, she needs to get some answers from Randy about this whole “first class health facility” and “special health meal” business. The health facility is the aerobics room, he explains. As for the meals, he goes to talk it over with Minnie (Sondra St Cyr, whose acting credits only extend as far as this show and one other film) in the kitchen.


She’s reading a book when he walks in. “I'm on chapter two,” she explains. “You know there are over forty different pots and pans? I liked bartending better.”
She received the special menu Randy provided, but notes that she’s going to have to make some substitutions.




The pause before “potatoes” cracks me up. You can actually see her trying to remember her line. Her lips even move. Terrific stuff. No time for retakes, we’ve got a softcore sitcom to produce!
Randy heads to the aerobics room, which looks more or less like a gym anyway, so I can’t quite work out Kat’s earlier problem. He’s attempting to fix one of the treadmills when cheerleader Marina (C.C. Costigan) walks up to point out it’s not plugged in.



Randy offers her a job as aerobics instructor based on this display of technical know-how. She accepts. Cheerleading doesn’t pay much, I guess, or maybe aerobics is a more prestigious position.
For some reason, Randy decides that he needs to get Kevin out of the hotel for the day, and he gets Kat to call and invite him out to shop for gym equipment. That leaves Randy alone with the girls, so he comes up with a few exercises for them.
Like ‘Jump From the Pool to Reach the Apple on a Stick’.



Like ‘Roll the Ball Between Yourself and Your Partner’.



“And hug your partner!” he says when it’s over, grabbing hold of big boobed partner Vicky (Sabrina Allen). “And feel their...heart beat.” Even the cheerleaders aren’t real convinced by that one.



Meanwhile, Kevin and Kat have finished shopping and are eating ice cream cones with a spoon, which seems like the most counterproductive thing ever.



Speaking of ice cream, Vicky’s been getting stuck into the supposed “tofu ice cream”, as well as the burgers and fries, and has a stomach ache. Randy finds her down by the pool and suggests that going back to his room might make her feel better.
She stands on the bed and performs a cheer, for some reason. “Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!” It doesn’t rhyme or make sense, but Randy doesn’t really care.



Then they have sex. Fortunately, unlike Randy’s previous conquest, Vicky has awesome boobs. Randy even motorboats them a couple of times to show his appreciation.
Afterwards, Randy does a cheer of his own. “How does that go again? Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Kathy!”
“Vicky!” she complains.
“Okay,” Randy shrugs.



Randy drags Vicky and the rest of the girls to the bar, where they’re joined by Minnie and Theo (Marc Revivo). They begin on the tequila, but it’s not too long before Kat and Kevin arrive back.
Luckily, Lacey (Glori Gold) meets them out by the pool before they head inside to the bar themselves. “The bar’s closed,” she says. “We’re having a private party.”
“Of course,” says Kat, getting the hint. “We’re having a private party.” So the two of them get into the pool instead.
“I just love a sports man,” Kat says.
“I just love sports fans,” replies Kevin. Then they have sex.



While that’s going on, everyone else in inside getting tanked on tequila. There’s musak and crazy camera angles and so forth. Midway into the scene, Randy asks Donna (Vickie Vogel) if she would like to be the hotel’s lifeguard. “I could do that,” she says. Then there’s more dancing and crazy camera angles.



WHOA.
Next day, it’s time for Kevin and the team to leave. Well, what’s left of the team anyway. “I don't know what it is about this place,” he says. “I came with five girls, now I'm leaving with two.” He doesn’t seem to worried though. Oh well. I guess cheerleaders are pretty easy to come by.
But wait, didn’t Randy only offer two girls jobs? Well, turns out Vicky missed the ride back. “Oops,” she says.


“Hey you were great last night,” Randy tells her. “Where'd you learn to mix a drink like that?”
“High school!” she chirps in reply. Course. He offers her a job bartending.
Hot Springs Hotel seems to get dumber by the episode, which is saying something given that this is only episode 2. Good job, Hot Springs Hotel.


- Alistair Wallis

The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith
Starring the chick from Saved and some jerks
Rated R
USA

"We're not cutting his leg off with a fucking hunting knife, Jeff. "

If you raked up some leaves in your backyard and hid one of your friends underneath, and then made a movie about the leaves coming to life and chasing people, you’d probably look at the resultant footage and think, “Well, that was a dumb fucking idea.” Then you’d erase it and shoot homemade porn instead. Right? Well, Carter Smith took the idea and tossed several million dollars at it. And now it’s too late to erase.

If you’ve seen the trailer, you know the whole plot. Bunch of dumb kids on vacation in Mexico get chased by weird locals to the top of a Mayan temple, and then the leaves and vines in the temple try to kill them. And since there is nothing remotely frightening about plants, they try and liven up the proceedings with some gooey self-mutilation, which seems to be a requirement of all R-rated teen horror films since Cabin Fever. It was no fun to watch then, and guess what? Still no fun.

The only high-point of this entire tedious affair is the lead blonde, Laura Ramsey. She has very large breasts, and she bares them in the first ten minutes.

Also, she is, in fact, in her underwear for the last hour of the movie, but at that point she’s covered in open sores, which sorta ruins it. Maybe that’s why this movie is called The Ruins, because it ruins any fun you could possibly have watching it. If so, good call.

- Ken 

Foul Play (1978)

Directed by Colin Higgins

Starring Goldie Hawn, Chevy Chase, Dudley Moore 

Rated PG

USA

“ Take these. Without them, you are a walking light-bulb... waiting to be screwed.” 

The arch-bishop of San Francisco (I have no idea if that’s a real thing; seems feasible enough) has a murderous twin-brother who happens to be a member of a nameless revolutionary group. Said group plans to make a statement by assassinating  the pope while he’s in town visiting  the opera (!). In order to achieve this goal, first he assassinates his twin brother and takes over his duties. Then he hires a trio of hitmen to pull off the job. This team consists of a guy with a giant, jagged scar ripped down the middle of his face (Return of the Living Dead’s cremator, Don Calfa), a creaky old bastard called “The Dwarf” (Marc Lawrence, who is not dwarf-y in the slightest), and an albino (William Frankfather)  named Whitey Jackson (!) who, distractingly, looks just like SNL’s Jon Hader in a Col. Sanders outfit. 

So, that’s the plan. Seems flawless enough. But there’s one complication. Goldie Hawn.

She plays a librarian (!) named Gloria, who picks up a hitchhiker one fateful day. He happens to be an undercover cop about to bust the pope assassination scheme wide open, but he’s being hotly pursued by the albino and his gang. He hides the photographic evidence of the plot in a cigarette pack and asks Gloria to hold it for him. She thinks he just wants to quit smoking. They agree to meet later that evening at the Nu-art Theater (which is actually in LA, but whatever) for a ‘date’, and she’s supposed to give him back the cig pack then.

The Nu-art, by the way, is managed by a smarmy, licentious Chuck McCann, who is having an affair with one his ushers, played by Russ Meyer’s Up!/Slumber Party ’57 star Janet Wood! 

Anyway, when the undercover cop shows up, he’s already bleeding to death. Gloria reports the crime but the body quickly vanishes, so everybody thinks she’s just some kind of  nut. I should mention at this point that Goldie Hawn looks amazing in glasses. However, she does not look like what they probably intended, i.e. “smart” Goldie. She still looks like  ditzy Goldie, just a hot-nerd ditzy Goldie. 

Before he croaked, the cop told Gloria to “Beware of the dwarf”. So when she hears a dwarf was looking for her at the library, she starts to get nervous. Things really get dicey for our heroine when the albino shows up and attacks her in the stacks. She escapes his clutches and runs through the streets looking for safety. She ducks into a bar and picks up a harmless looking schlub named Stanley (Dudley Moore), insisting he take her home immediately. He agrees. As you would. 

Of course, she’s not out for sex, just a temporary safe haven. Unaware of this, Stanley pulls out all the ridiculous pervy-dude stops, including porno 8mm loops projecting on the wall, Bee Gees blaring away on his Quadrophonic stereo, blow-up dolls, disco lights, a drop-down bed, the whole bit. She’s pretty horrified at this display and promptly storms out. 

When she gets home, scar-face is waiting for her. She stabs him with knitting needles and then the albino shows up and stabs him in the heart. Then he knocks her out and dumps the body. Long story short, rogue police detective Tony (Chevy Chase) and his partner Fergie (Brian Dennehy) are assigned to the case. Naturally they think Gloria’s insane (dwarves, albinos, missing bodies, etc), but Tony’s sweet on her, so they go along with the ruse. Eventually they figure out she’s legit, and it’s up to Tony and Goldie to get to the opera house in time to stop the sinister plot before the pope is popped. Along the way, they destroy nearly every car in SF. 

Oh, also: a dwarf bible salesman (Billy Barty) shows up at Gloria’s. She thinks he’s the dwarf assassin and throws him out the window! 

Foul Play is marred a bit by a syrupy Barry Manilow soundtrack, but otherwise it’s a fun and twisty ride. The plot is ridiculous, but for the most part, the cast plays it all pretty straight, making this more of an action movie with laughs  than a straight comedy with action/mystery elements. Speaking of ridiculous, casting Goldie as a librarian  is almost as insane as casting Chevy Chase as a functional, no-nonsense cop. So, clearly, a few leaps-of-faith are required for maximum enjoyment.  Everybody’s game, though, and Foul Play is littered with great character actors, including Burgess Meredith as Gloria’s feisty landlord, Reform School Girls’ own Pat Ast as the madame of a low-rent rub n’ tug, and Marilyn Sokol as Gloria’s man-hating best bud Stella. Also – and this may be a singular thrill – I very much enjoyed peeping at all the stereo systems so prominently (and inexplicably) featured throughout the proceedings…so much  8 track!

Anyway, fun, kooky stuff, well worth a look. 

- Ken 

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice: Season 1 Special Edition (2011)

Directed by Rob Longo
Starring Sarah Burns, Ella Jane New, Natalie LaSpina, Tara Lee
Unrated
USA


"When you wake up you will feel very different in the morning."

Being akin to the MAG YouTube favorite, Bikini Crime Fighter (of whose videos have been tragically removed from the internet) and countless other micro-budget productions created and produced by lonely dudes who have no shame about coercing innocent women to get their Cosplay on and pretend to act in front of what often looks like a camera phone video or VHS camcorder for what seems to be no other purpose than to give the creator a chance to get close to women who otherwise would intentionally avoid them and as a bonus get to play and replay the evidence of said interactions for their entire awkward existences.

Don't get me wrong, I am not attempting to discourage or berate the creators of these videos, but you do have to admit that its a bit creepy. Sure, it sounds like a great idea in your head, but I can only imagine what the ladies think when they show up for work in an alley or abandoned warehouse, are told to throw on a colored wig, grab a cardboard tube and pretend to fight with each other. At least porn is honest about its intent.

Fortunately, this world has no shortage of those brave enough to be creepy, and the web seriesVixens of Virtue, Vixens of Vice helps support this idea, albeit with a slightly lesser percentage of creep than other such offerings. If fact, besides the ample use of cleavage, there is nothing in this series that would discourage watches from lovers of campy fun of all ages.

The series concerns itself with the sibling rivalry of the superpower enabled Sweet Sisters(blue-haired Sweet Burden, who can control gravity, Sweet Burn, who can burn things, andSweet Frost, who can freeze stuff) and their ingenious villain kin, the Bitter Sisters (Bitter Evil, the mad scientist/inventor of the bunch, Bitter Pain, the ninja master, and Bitter Pill, the chemist of the crew).

While the Sweet Sisters are content enough in just being goodie-goodies and trying to find their parents, the Bitter Sisters are all about getting rid of their sisters altogether and while their at it, take over the world.

Not only do they have an ever expanding supply of "Bitter Bots" to help in their evil plots, but they also have recently created a fem-bot style cyborg named Bitter Metal. Strong enough to resist blades and bullets, Bitter Metal is the Bitter Sisters finest hope yet to destroy their sisters.

With 10 episodes coming in a less than an hour total, Season 1 of VOV/VOV does a good job at holding your attention, even if it is only to look at boobs. The plot is pretty clumsy and disjointed, the acting varies from terrible to vicariously enjoyable, and I having a sneaking suspicious that the actors aren't always the same from episode to episode, but as time wasting trash-candy, this is well worth a watch.

Get the DVD at MVD or directly from the official website. Until then, check out the sneak peek below.

Vixens of Virtue Vixens of Vice Theme Song from Live Body on Vimeo.

- Jeremy Vaca

White Lies (1998)

Directed by Kari Scogland
Starring: Sarah Polley, Tanya Allen, Jonathon Scarfe, Lynn Redgrave
Unrated
Canada

Who would have thought that the Canadians, our kinder, gentler cousins up north, the Stepford Wives of the Western world, would have the same problems with white power goons as we do? I guess wherever you put a bunch Caucasians together, crosses will eventually get burned, and bad punk rock will fill the air. And so it goes in White Lies. Originally a made for TV movie, it tells the strange and terrible tale of Catherine Chapman (Sarah Polley- the Canadian Uma Thurman), an idealistic high school student who begins to notice a disparity in the treatment of whites and minorities in Canadian society, particularly in hiring practices. She was looked over, you see, for a job at McDonald's because she didn't speak Korean. Never mind that there are half a million jobs a Korean born woman living in Canada would lose out to her- she wants to flip her goddamn burgers, and she's willing to join a neo-nazi group to do it. By the way,  Canadians call them "Nutzis".

This group is called the National Identity Movement, a shadowy activist group led by Lynn Redgrave (!). Catherine begins airing her vague grievances on their website. Eventually, they ask her to start writing for their newsletter, and she becomes a poster girl for white power, even going so far as to date the lead singer for one of those awful skinhead punk bands. It's interesting that she gets sexier as she gets more evil, going from cornsilk wallflower to red and black racist glam in one church torching. Eventually, though, saner heads prevail, and Catherine has a last minute change of heart, but not before much havoc is wreaked on the streets of Ontario as a result of her big mouth.

Belying it's TV origins, the language in White Lies is pretty subdued for a movie about nazis, but otherwise, it's a tightly wound ball of racial tension that speeds to it's climax with an escalating series of atrocities and rampant stupidity from the NIM camp and plenty of scenery chewing from Redgrave and smoldering sex appeal from Polley. The only problem with this film is the same as any movie about white power movements- it's never really explained just what 'white culture' these jackasses are trying to preserve. Country music and baseball? They can have it, man.

This DVD edition of White Lies also features a wordy but smart 'making of' featurette that, at the very least, will show you how to successfully film a giant cross burning in a rain storm. Who knows? It might come in handy someday.

- Ken