Sorority House Vampires From Hell (1998)

Directed by Geoffrey de Valois
Starring Kathy Presgrave, Yvette Davis, Eugenie Bondurant
Unrated
USA

"I had more fun at my last drive-by."
"HAHAHAHA!"

The movie opens with a ten-minute credit sequence featuring a hot chick with big boobs dancing around in a front of a TV while ear-gouging industrial rock plays on the soundtrack. Of course, you could always hit the mute button to escape the garbage-y music, but it won't even do you any good, because the video image is so saturated (on purpose) and blurry (maybe not on purpose), that you can't even pop a decent boner. Originally, Sorority House Vampires from Hell was released in 3D, so I think that's what's up there. If that's the case, than this sequence - and the others like it - are completely useless, since 90% of the available copies of this fucking mess are in blotchy 2D.

Oh, and also, I think there was a shot of flame-haired porn starlet Annie Body sucking on a metal phallus of some kind in there, too. Dunno. Anyway, fast-forward through that part.

When you get to the story, you will first be alarmed/panicked by just how cheap the fuzzy camcorder image looks. It is much worse than the home movies your dad took on the family's first video camera in 1987. It's also, at least briefly, in washed-out black and white. Impossible to say if this is on purpose. A girl walks through a cardboard graveyard and runs into another girl, this one in a cape and cowl. Then a third girl springs up from her grave and tries to bite the other two girls. And then they haul ass out of there.

Turns out the first two are sorority pledges, and the sorority house is in the middle of the woods, the very same woods where an anorexic vampire hangs out. A couple end up fucking in the dirt near the vamp's grave; she manages to chomp them, and begins to gradually return to her former form - a too-skinny, wisecracking clothes horse. She quickly acquires a biker chick Renfield and the two traipse around the immediate area, snacking on coeds and trying on lingerie.
Meanwhile, inside the sorority house...well, it's actually impossible to tell what's going on. There is a shower scene, but it's shot too ineptly to do you much good. There's some lesbians and a little S&M, but not enough. There's also a subplot with a bungling Dracula who makes Wall Street jokes. Etc.
Eventually, the skinny-bitch vampirella recruits half the sorority and most of the local yokels into her zombie army, and they take over the world.

Or they don't. I mean, this thing is impossible to sit all the way through, so anything could have happened.
The opening and closing sequences - with the naked girls, flashing lights, and headache-making racket - are quite redolent of legendary psychedelic schlockmeister Jess Franco's work. I'll give Mr Valois that much. But all the ponderous spookshow antics and anti-comedy in-between are just too painful to endure. The only reason I ended up buying(!) a copy of Sorority House Vampires From Hell in the first place is because it's supposed to feature the lovely JJ Rodgers, star of Amazon Warrior, but she is nowhere to be found. Apparently, she's in some other cut.

So that sorta sucked.

All in all, a pretty miserable experience.

- Ken McIntyre