Canadian TV, that is.
Well, Canadian TV on the internet.
Close enough for rock n' roll.
Shock Stock 2013 motherfuckers!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
She-Devils On Wheels (1968)
Directed By Herschell Gordon Lewis
Starring Betty Connoll, Pat Poston, Christie Wagner
Unrated
USA
"When you're doing the bedtime bugaloo, you ain't in no position to fight!"
Ed Wood is often derided as the worst filmmaker in history. He's certainly the funnest to pick on, and he obviously did no one any cinematic favors. However, Ed Wood had something that some other filmmakers lack, and that's ambition. He GOT his octopus, he GOT his Bela Lugosi, and if he didn't have a star, he had his players play to their strengths. Tor Johnson, he's a ghoul. Criswell, he's a psychic. He did his best.
Herschell Gordon Lewis on the other hand, despite his filmography, is seemingly defiantly clueless. And this is rarely more evident than with She-Devils On Wheels. In Herschell's hands, an unknown like Betty Connoll is, Varla?
Released three years after Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, HGL's She-Devils On Wheels is about an all female biker gang who spend their days raising hell, terrorizing, and racing. It was produced with the usual HGL modus operandi of filming in remote Floridian locations (in this case, Medley, FL.), and using an ensemble of pseudo-actors and local cast-offs.
So, what's the plot to this mess? Well, basically, the all girl biker gang The Man-Eaters, are having a turf war (over a stretch of an abandoned airport runway) with a gang of drag racers (all guys of course) who are casually referred to as Joe Boys Group. Of course, there is other shit going down. Mainly with good girl gone bad Karen (Christie Wagner), who still feels the lure to a more righteous path. I don't know why she doesn't leave the gang, because no one in the group seems to like her. In fact, they're ready to hog tie her, and drag her behind a bike for breaking the rules and getting "hung up" on local stud, Bill.
All this is tied together with the usual tapestry of regional under-achievers, high hopes, and sweaty desperation. The thing with a lot of the exploitation scripts, is they talk big. They have a lot to back up. And you need actors with the right build to lend credibility to the menace. Does anyone actually buy scrawny, lanky, Christopher Mitchum as Ricco The Mean Machine, for example?
But Tura Satana, as Varla? Of course. And there's a reason I've brought her up twice. She-Devils is clearly such a Faster, Pussycat! knockoff, that you expect more. And that's what's wrong with this movie, and with most Herschell Gordon Lewis movies in general. They are content with the bare minimum, if even that.
Thus you get a disappointment like She-Devils on Wheels. An ensemble cast that doesn't act the part, much less look it, and shot on abandoned, overgrown locations. It's worth checking out, if only for the kitsch factor (HGL owes kitsch A LOT). Maybe one day we'll get that female biker witch coven movie I've been pining for. Until then, there's this. I guess.
HGL had the distribution to parlay his theatrical efforts into a something greater than what he accomplished. Sure, he's the Godfather of Gore. But when was the last time you listened to a commentary track and heard the director say he was inspired by a HGL filmed scene for a specific shot? Herschell Gordon Lewis: Often lauded, but rarely emulated.
-BoDuley
Starring Betty Connoll, Pat Poston, Christie Wagner
Unrated
USA
"When you're doing the bedtime bugaloo, you ain't in no position to fight!"
Ed Wood is often derided as the worst filmmaker in history. He's certainly the funnest to pick on, and he obviously did no one any cinematic favors. However, Ed Wood had something that some other filmmakers lack, and that's ambition. He GOT his octopus, he GOT his Bela Lugosi, and if he didn't have a star, he had his players play to their strengths. Tor Johnson, he's a ghoul. Criswell, he's a psychic. He did his best.Herschell Gordon Lewis on the other hand, despite his filmography, is seemingly defiantly clueless. And this is rarely more evident than with She-Devils On Wheels. In Herschell's hands, an unknown like Betty Connoll is, Varla?
Released three years after Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, HGL's She-Devils On Wheels is about an all female biker gang who spend their days raising hell, terrorizing, and racing. It was produced with the usual HGL modus operandi of filming in remote Floridian locations (in this case, Medley, FL.), and using an ensemble of pseudo-actors and local cast-offs.
So, what's the plot to this mess? Well, basically, the all girl biker gang The Man-Eaters, are having a turf war (over a stretch of an abandoned airport runway) with a gang of drag racers (all guys of course) who are casually referred to as Joe Boys Group. Of course, there is other shit going down. Mainly with good girl gone bad Karen (Christie Wagner), who still feels the lure to a more righteous path. I don't know why she doesn't leave the gang, because no one in the group seems to like her. In fact, they're ready to hog tie her, and drag her behind a bike for breaking the rules and getting "hung up" on local stud, Bill.
All this is tied together with the usual tapestry of regional under-achievers, high hopes, and sweaty desperation. The thing with a lot of the exploitation scripts, is they talk big. They have a lot to back up. And you need actors with the right build to lend credibility to the menace. Does anyone actually buy scrawny, lanky, Christopher Mitchum as Ricco The Mean Machine, for example?
But Tura Satana, as Varla? Of course. And there's a reason I've brought her up twice. She-Devils is clearly such a Faster, Pussycat! knockoff, that you expect more. And that's what's wrong with this movie, and with most Herschell Gordon Lewis movies in general. They are content with the bare minimum, if even that.
Thus you get a disappointment like She-Devils on Wheels. An ensemble cast that doesn't act the part, much less look it, and shot on abandoned, overgrown locations. It's worth checking out, if only for the kitsch factor (HGL owes kitsch A LOT). Maybe one day we'll get that female biker witch coven movie I've been pining for. Until then, there's this. I guess.
HGL had the distribution to parlay his theatrical efforts into a something greater than what he accomplished. Sure, he's the Godfather of Gore. But when was the last time you listened to a commentary track and heard the director say he was inspired by a HGL filmed scene for a specific shot? Herschell Gordon Lewis: Often lauded, but rarely emulated.
-BoDuley
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Pink Lady & Jeff, Episode 1
Directed by: Rudy DeLuca
Starring Pink Lady, Jeff Altman, Sherman Hemsley, Bert Parks
Genre: Variety show/Insanity
"I loved the song, I just didn't realize your honorable ancestors had boogie fever."
Everybody loves a good train wreck - at least on television - and they don't come much wreck-ier than this. Pink Lady (AKA Mei and Kei) was a popular Japanese singing duo - popular in Japan, that is - who happened to catch the eyes and ears of NBC president Fred Silverman, who saw a potential goldmine in the disco-pop duo. Without nary a whiff of homework, he signed the bewildered Japanese dolls to a contract and roped in psychedelic kiddie-show kingpins Sid and Marty Krofft to produce a weekly Pink Lady-hosted variety show. There was, however, one major stumbling block to this operation: the girls didn't really know how to speak English.
In these more sober times, that devilish detail would be a deal breaker. But this was 1980, brother, and anything could happen in the 1980's. And so Sid and Marty forged on. Schlubby comedian Jeff Altman - probably most well-known, if at all, for a series of Arby's commercials in the mid 1980's - was signed on to smooth over the rough spots, and a cast of low-watt yucksters were recruited (including a pre-Ernest Jim Varney) for further distractions. Ultimately, it all proved futile, and all Pink Lady could really do was (badly) lip-synch their phonetic-English versions of hit pop and disco tunes and push Jeff into a hot tub at the end of every show. There were also a few bewildered guest stars (Lorne Greene! Larry Hagman!) and some surprise (and weird, and godawful) duets as well, including Pink Lady with Donny Osmond and Pink Lady with...erm, Greg Evigan.
Suffice to say, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
The pilot opens with a montage of Mei and Kei playing in stadiums and rolling around in limos, cut with scenes from the show. And then Jeff Altman comes out. No Pink Lady, just Jeff. He does a pretty painful monologue ("I wish my parents could be here to see me, but they're over at the studio next door, watching Merv Griffin interview his suit"), and then he introduces Pink Lady. They come out with Kimonos and sing in Japanese for a couple seconds, and then rip those off to reveal matching pink dresses underneath. And then they lip-synch to "Boogie Wonderland". Eventually, they're joined by a bunch of over-ripe, crazy-eyed dancers, who at least offer a distraction from the girls' not-even-close lip-dubbing.
Anyway, after that travesty, the girls saunter down to the lower-stage to goof around with Jeff. He goofs on them for not knowing English very well, and Mei changes the subject by telling him she thinks he's handsome. His reply: "Oh, you're just turned on by my round eyes." Ha ha, what?
Then there's a gag about how the girls have a bodyguard (a sumo wrestler busts through the wall) and then, mercifully, the bit comes to a close when Mei and Kei announce tonight's guests: Sherman Hemsley ("Chermin Humsley"), Bert Parks, and Blondie ("Blundie").
"And don't forget our bodyguard-o friend here," adds Jeff. "He might come on the show later and swallow a Dastsun."
Oof.
In the next segment, the girls dress up in spandex and dance in front of a giant boombox. Every so often, the camera zooms into one of the speakers, which opens up to reveal a hilarious skit waiting inside! In one, Jeff plays a pompadour'ed preacher trying to cure disco-obsessed Mei from hearing loss by hitting her on the head.
In another, he plays a brain-dead boxer being interviewed by a hot redhead (Anna Mathias).
And in yet another hopeless gag, the girls dress up like the Supremes and Jeff does a soul-powered Richard Nixon impression. This is in 1980, mind you.
Next, Jeffersons' star Sherman Hemsley drops by to goof around with the gang. Somehow or another this leads us to a another skit wherein Pink Lady play sailors watching a USO gig at the first all-girl army base.
Jeff plays some kind of medallion-wearing, bare-chested stud. And then Sherman Hemsley (in shorts) does an Andrews Sisters send-up. Hilarity does not ensue.
So then Bert Parks comes out. He used to host the Miss America pageant. They have a guy dressed up like him somersault onto the stage, to give the impression that he's still spry. Pink Lady act super-excited, even though they clearly have no idea who he is. Burt introduces a skit, which turns into another skit - neither of which feature Pink Lady - and then they show a Blondie video. "Shayla". Horrible song.
There's a short skit called "The Adventures of the Pink Falcon" wherein Pink Lady are jewel thieves and Jeff is a Cagney-esque gumshoe. Pretty stupid, but at least the girls wear black leather jumpsuits for it.
Next up: A Tonight Show parody. Jeff, naturally, does his Carson impression. The girls are serious marble-mouths in this segment. Who knows what they're talking about? All I can say for sure is they show a television ad Pink Lady did in Japan for some weird product - looks like a portable smoke alarm? - and then they introduce a Japanese stand-up comedian, "Shecky Nakamoto" (Richard Lee-Sung). He does his act in Japanese. It's the funniest part of the show so far.
And then Bert Parks and Sherman Hemsley come back for a long and pointless "salute to old Hollywood". There's a Kissinger joke in there. That's all I remember.
And there's a Howard Cosell meets Marilyn Monroe thing, too. Sketch comedy gobbledy-gook.
Finally, we reach our finale. Jeff comes out with Pink Lady and says, "Girls, I think we're going to make a great team."
"Don't bet on it!" Snaps Kei. Truer words may have never been spoken.
And then they lip-synch their cover of James Taylor's (by way of Carole King's) "You've Got a Friend". Or, more accurately, "You've Got a Fwend".
You figure that would be enough 'entertainment' for one evening, but nope. Suddenly, a full rock band appears out of nowhere and the ladies launch into "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow". There's even some psychedelic video effects!
They finish up with their Engrish take on "Knock On Wood". Not one word of it is understandable. Complete gibberish. Sort of adorable gibberish, but gibberish nonetheless.
Oh yeah, and then they take off their dresses and change into bikinis!
And then they dunk Jeff into the hot tub. This part, I like.
So ends the pilot. Any sane group of individuals would take a hard look at the horror they just created and close down production, but clearly the lunatics had taken over the asylum, because Pink Lady and Jeff hobbled along for another five magnificent episodes.
Stay tuned.
- Ken McIntyre
Monday, February 11, 2013
Killer Party (1986)
Directed by William Fruet
Starring Joanna Johnson, Elaine Wilkes, Sherry Willis-Burch
Rated R
Canada
"It's Goat Night!"
Here's the thing with Canada, at least in the 80's. Basically they would take some chunk of American culture, from heavy metal to horror movies, and they would make it as lame as possible. Killer Party is a prime example. As the legend goes, the film began shooting in 1978, but then it went over budget and production was shut down until 1984, when it was finished. But it still didn't get released theatrically until 1986. I don't remember it being in theaters, and I went to see alot of dumb horror movies in the 80's. It was directed by William Fruet, who has mostly done TV shows like like Friday the 13th and Goosebumps.
Killer Party opens with a funeral. Only four people show up. One of the mourners gets sucked into the coffin and then gets cremated alive!
No she doesn't. It's just a movie playing at a drive-in. One of the drive-in patrons, a blonde with crimped hair, goes to the concession stand for popcorn. There's nobody there! When she goes back to the car, her boyfriend's missing! And then a psycho attacks her while White Sister plays at the abandoned concession stand! It basically turns into a White Sister video with zombies, which some other chick is watching on TV. What the fuck is going on here?
By the way, the movie was originally called April Fools, which is why White Sister play a song called You're No Fool, which is a song about a girl named April.
Pheobe - the White Sister fan - heads off to college on 10 speeds with her two pals, Vivia and Jennifer. By the way, if you are interested, Phoebe is portrayed by Elaine Wilkes, who gave up acting in 1988 (if she hadn't already given it up while making this movie) and now has a PHD in "Naturopathy", AKA alternative medicine, which is not a real thing. Sherry Willis Burch is Vivia, the only other film she ever made was another 80's slasher, Final Exam. And Jennifer is Joanna Johnson, who went on to a lucrative career in soap operas. Anyway, they have lots of girl-fun along the way while a bad Bananarama rip-off song called Best Times plays on the soundtrack. They're going to pledge a sorority! At least that's the plan. But when the pass by a creepy old house, Jennifer starts getting second thoughts.
But forget all that for now, because we've got sorority girls to frolic with. They lounge in a hot tub together and discuss whether the old frat house is going to open again or not after being shuttered for 20 years. That's the creepy house.
And then Virgil shows up to deliver some champagne, and steals their doorknob. Turns out he's a front for a frat-gang who terrorize the girls by throwing a jar of bees into the hot tub. Then they film the screaming, bee-stung, half-naked coeds with a super 8 camera as they frantically try to get in the house, which they can't, because Virgil stole the doorknob. What a prank!
And then the frat mother or whatever they call it, walks over to the haunted house and starts talking to a gravestone about how the girls are using the house for "goat night" and that he should just take it easy. Then she goes in to check things out. Naturally, she gets clubbed to death five minutes later.
Then the girls meet the evil frat girl who initiates them with various humiliations.
She tells them they have to go steal some t-shirts from a fraternity. By the way, one of the girls, Vivia, wears paper clips for earrings. Seriously, look at those things!
Also, Paul Bartel is a flustered English professor. In the movie, I mean. He's a dead actor in real life.
The girls sneak into the frat to steal the shirts, but someone's watching them. Who? No time to ponder, because they've got a heist to pull. Jennifer distracts one of the frat guys with her tongue while the other two abscond with the shirts.
And then she goes home and walks around braless, which is nice.
She's on her way to take a shower when Martin the nerdy Freshman shows up. He's the stalker! But is he also a killer? Dunno. Maybe. Probably not.
Finally, it's Goat Night!
The girls are blindfolded and forced to swallow goat eyes whole. Don't worry though, they're just grapes! And then they pour raw eggs into the mouths and making then spit them up into glasses. And then they get paddled! Pretty kinky, esoteric shit, man. Also there's a point in he middle where it appears that Jennifer is possessed by an evil spirit, which I assume is the dead guy in the backyard. And poltergeist shit starts happening.
Vivia goes into the basement and cuts her own head off for laughs. It was her all the time! She pranked the pranksters. The next morning, she gives her severed head to Martin, who gets so upset he crashes his car. Then they play "Best Times" again. "These are the best times...of our lives..."
The girls get accepted into the sorority but the chief sorority girl or whatever tells Vivia she's got to pull the same prank on the frat boys. Fair enough. And then Paul Bartel gets a promotion, which allows him to explain what happened at the old abandoned frat house. It's the usual humiliation and murder bullshit.
The girls show up to set-up their prank. Jennifer freaks everybody out with her urban legends. Or are they?
They are not. They never are. Who knows why, but Paul Bartel is sniffing around in there too, and he gets electrocuted to death. Also there's a corpse or two mouldering away down there. But whatever, because it's time for the big April Fools party, which is sort of like a Halloween party in that everyone is in costume. Only a couple of the costumes are actual things, though.
Anyway, just when the April Fool's King and Queen are supposed to get crowned, the doors all slam shut and the party-goers are assaulted with balloons! And then a couple of the frat boys start wailing on each other and one of 'em gets stabbed to death. Or does he? April fool's, ladies and gentlemen! Everybody's having an awesome time, really. Except for Jennifer.
Turns out she's right. Somebody in a deep sea divers helmet starts moidering all the party goers. And since there were only about seven of them in the first place, their ranks thin very quickly.
Pretty soon, everybody's dead except for our plucky trio. And there's a good chance one of them isn't who she used to be!
Things get weird from there. Exorcist-y, even. Also, the finale offers up a difficult conundrum. What do you do when your best friend is possessed? Also, the ending is way more grim then the rest of the movie.
Killer Party is a sorta- fun, definitely stupid 80's slasher with terrible music and leotards. Sure, it could have used some gore and more tits, but you never got everything you wanted in the 80's. That's not what the 80's were about. That's not what Canada is about, either. Therefore, thumbs up.
- Ken McIntyre
Starring Joanna Johnson, Elaine Wilkes, Sherry Willis-Burch
Rated R
Canada
"It's Goat Night!"
Killer Party opens with a funeral. Only four people show up. One of the mourners gets sucked into the coffin and then gets cremated alive!
No she doesn't. It's just a movie playing at a drive-in. One of the drive-in patrons, a blonde with crimped hair, goes to the concession stand for popcorn. There's nobody there! When she goes back to the car, her boyfriend's missing! And then a psycho attacks her while White Sister plays at the abandoned concession stand! It basically turns into a White Sister video with zombies, which some other chick is watching on TV. What the fuck is going on here?
By the way, the movie was originally called April Fools, which is why White Sister play a song called You're No Fool, which is a song about a girl named April.
Pheobe - the White Sister fan - heads off to college on 10 speeds with her two pals, Vivia and Jennifer. By the way, if you are interested, Phoebe is portrayed by Elaine Wilkes, who gave up acting in 1988 (if she hadn't already given it up while making this movie) and now has a PHD in "Naturopathy", AKA alternative medicine, which is not a real thing. Sherry Willis Burch is Vivia, the only other film she ever made was another 80's slasher, Final Exam. And Jennifer is Joanna Johnson, who went on to a lucrative career in soap operas. Anyway, they have lots of girl-fun along the way while a bad Bananarama rip-off song called Best Times plays on the soundtrack. They're going to pledge a sorority! At least that's the plan. But when the pass by a creepy old house, Jennifer starts getting second thoughts.
But forget all that for now, because we've got sorority girls to frolic with. They lounge in a hot tub together and discuss whether the old frat house is going to open again or not after being shuttered for 20 years. That's the creepy house.
And then Virgil shows up to deliver some champagne, and steals their doorknob. Turns out he's a front for a frat-gang who terrorize the girls by throwing a jar of bees into the hot tub. Then they film the screaming, bee-stung, half-naked coeds with a super 8 camera as they frantically try to get in the house, which they can't, because Virgil stole the doorknob. What a prank!
And then the frat mother or whatever they call it, walks over to the haunted house and starts talking to a gravestone about how the girls are using the house for "goat night" and that he should just take it easy. Then she goes in to check things out. Naturally, she gets clubbed to death five minutes later.
Then the girls meet the evil frat girl who initiates them with various humiliations.
She tells them they have to go steal some t-shirts from a fraternity. By the way, one of the girls, Vivia, wears paper clips for earrings. Seriously, look at those things!
Also, Paul Bartel is a flustered English professor. In the movie, I mean. He's a dead actor in real life.
The girls sneak into the frat to steal the shirts, but someone's watching them. Who? No time to ponder, because they've got a heist to pull. Jennifer distracts one of the frat guys with her tongue while the other two abscond with the shirts.
And then she goes home and walks around braless, which is nice.
She's on her way to take a shower when Martin the nerdy Freshman shows up. He's the stalker! But is he also a killer? Dunno. Maybe. Probably not.
Finally, it's Goat Night!
The girls are blindfolded and forced to swallow goat eyes whole. Don't worry though, they're just grapes! And then they pour raw eggs into the mouths and making then spit them up into glasses. And then they get paddled! Pretty kinky, esoteric shit, man. Also there's a point in he middle where it appears that Jennifer is possessed by an evil spirit, which I assume is the dead guy in the backyard. And poltergeist shit starts happening.
Vivia goes into the basement and cuts her own head off for laughs. It was her all the time! She pranked the pranksters. The next morning, she gives her severed head to Martin, who gets so upset he crashes his car. Then they play "Best Times" again. "These are the best times...of our lives..."
The girls get accepted into the sorority but the chief sorority girl or whatever tells Vivia she's got to pull the same prank on the frat boys. Fair enough. And then Paul Bartel gets a promotion, which allows him to explain what happened at the old abandoned frat house. It's the usual humiliation and murder bullshit.
The girls show up to set-up their prank. Jennifer freaks everybody out with her urban legends. Or are they?
They are not. They never are. Who knows why, but Paul Bartel is sniffing around in there too, and he gets electrocuted to death. Also there's a corpse or two mouldering away down there. But whatever, because it's time for the big April Fools party, which is sort of like a Halloween party in that everyone is in costume. Only a couple of the costumes are actual things, though.
Anyway, just when the April Fool's King and Queen are supposed to get crowned, the doors all slam shut and the party-goers are assaulted with balloons! And then a couple of the frat boys start wailing on each other and one of 'em gets stabbed to death. Or does he? April fool's, ladies and gentlemen! Everybody's having an awesome time, really. Except for Jennifer.
Turns out she's right. Somebody in a deep sea divers helmet starts moidering all the party goers. And since there were only about seven of them in the first place, their ranks thin very quickly.
Pretty soon, everybody's dead except for our plucky trio. And there's a good chance one of them isn't who she used to be!
Things get weird from there. Exorcist-y, even. Also, the finale offers up a difficult conundrum. What do you do when your best friend is possessed? Also, the ending is way more grim then the rest of the movie.
Killer Party is a sorta- fun, definitely stupid 80's slasher with terrible music and leotards. Sure, it could have used some gore and more tits, but you never got everything you wanted in the 80's. That's not what the 80's were about. That's not what Canada is about, either. Therefore, thumbs up.
- Ken McIntyre
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