Pink Lady & Jeff, Episode 1

Directed by: Rudy DeLuca
Starring Pink Lady, Jeff Altman, Sherman Hemsley, Bert Parks
Genre: Variety show/Insanity

"I loved the song, I just didn't realize your honorable ancestors had boogie fever."

Everybody loves a good train wreck - at least on television - and they don't come much wreck-ier than this. Pink Lady (AKA Mei and Kei) was a popular Japanese singing duo - popular in Japan, that is - who happened to catch the eyes and ears of NBC president Fred Silverman, who saw a potential goldmine in the disco-pop duo. Without nary a whiff of homework, he signed the bewildered Japanese dolls to a contract and roped in psychedelic kiddie-show kingpins Sid and Marty Krofft to produce a weekly Pink Lady-hosted variety show. There was, however, one major stumbling block to this operation: the girls didn't really know how to speak English.

In these more sober times, that devilish detail would be a deal breaker. But this was 1980, brother, and anything could happen in the 1980's. And so Sid and Marty forged on. Schlubby comedian Jeff Altman - probably most well-known, if at all, for a series of Arby's commercials in the mid 1980's - was signed on to smooth over the rough spots, and a cast of low-watt yucksters were recruited (including a pre-Ernest Jim Varney) for further distractions. Ultimately, it all proved futile, and all Pink Lady could really do was (badly) lip-synch their phonetic-English versions of hit pop and disco tunes and push Jeff into a hot tub at the end of every show. There were also a few bewildered guest stars (Lorne Greene! Larry Hagman!) and some surprise (and weird, and godawful) duets as well, including Pink Lady with Donny Osmond and Pink Lady with...erm, Greg Evigan.

Suffice to say, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

The pilot opens with a montage of Mei and Kei playing in stadiums and rolling around in limos, cut with scenes  from the show. And then Jeff Altman comes out. No Pink Lady, just Jeff. He does a pretty painful monologue ("I wish my parents could be here to see me, but they're over at the studio next door, watching Merv Griffin interview his suit"), and then he introduces Pink Lady. They come out with Kimonos and sing in Japanese for a couple seconds, and then rip those off to reveal matching pink dresses underneath. And then they lip-synch to "Boogie Wonderland". Eventually, they're joined by a bunch of over-ripe, crazy-eyed dancers, who at least offer a distraction from the girls' not-even-close lip-dubbing.

Anyway, after that travesty, the girls saunter down to the lower-stage to goof around with Jeff. He goofs on them for not knowing English very well, and Mei changes the subject by telling him she thinks he's handsome. His reply: "Oh, you're just turned on by my round eyes." Ha ha, what?

Then there's a gag about how the girls have a bodyguard (a sumo wrestler busts through the wall) and then, mercifully, the bit comes to a close when Mei and Kei announce tonight's guests: Sherman Hemsley ("Chermin Humsley"), Bert Parks, and Blondie ("Blundie").
"And don't forget our bodyguard-o friend here," adds Jeff. "He might come on the show later and swallow a Dastsun."
Oof.

In the next segment, the girls dress up in spandex and dance in front of a giant boombox. Every so often, the camera zooms into one of the speakers, which opens up to reveal a hilarious skit waiting inside! In one, Jeff plays a pompadour'ed preacher trying to cure disco-obsessed Mei from hearing loss by hitting her on the head.

In another, he plays a brain-dead boxer being interviewed by a hot redhead (Anna Mathias).

And in yet another hopeless gag, the girls dress up like the Supremes and Jeff does a soul-powered Richard Nixon impression. This is in 1980, mind you.

Next, Jeffersons' star Sherman Hemsley drops by to goof around with the gang. Somehow or another this leads us to a another skit wherein Pink Lady play sailors watching a USO gig at the first all-girl army base.

Jeff plays some kind of medallion-wearing, bare-chested stud. And then Sherman Hemsley (in shorts) does an Andrews Sisters send-up. Hilarity does not ensue.

So then Bert Parks comes out. He used to host the Miss America pageant. They have a guy dressed up like him somersault onto the stage, to give the impression that he's still spry. Pink Lady act super-excited, even though they clearly have no idea who he is. Burt introduces a skit, which turns into another skit - neither of which feature Pink Lady - and then they show a Blondie video. "Shayla". Horrible song.

There's a short skit called "The Adventures of the Pink Falcon" wherein Pink Lady are jewel thieves and Jeff is a Cagney-esque gumshoe. Pretty stupid, but at least the girls wear black leather jumpsuits for it.

Next up: A Tonight Show parody. Jeff, naturally, does his Carson impression. The girls are serious marble-mouths in this segment. Who knows what they're talking about? All I can say for sure is they show a television ad Pink Lady did in Japan for some weird product - looks like a portable smoke alarm? - and then they introduce a Japanese stand-up comedian, "Shecky Nakamoto" (Richard Lee-Sung). He does his act in Japanese. It's the funniest part of the show so far.

And then Bert Parks and Sherman Hemsley come back for a long and pointless "salute to old Hollywood". There's a Kissinger joke in there. That's all I remember.

And there's a Howard Cosell meets Marilyn Monroe thing, too. Sketch comedy gobbledy-gook.

Finally, we reach our finale. Jeff comes out with Pink Lady and says, "Girls, I think we're going to make a great team."
"Don't bet on it!" Snaps Kei. Truer words may have never been spoken.

And then they lip-synch their cover of James Taylor's (by way of Carole King's) "You've Got a Friend". Or, more accurately, "You've Got a Fwend".

You figure that would be enough 'entertainment' for one evening, but nope. Suddenly, a full rock band appears out of nowhere and the ladies launch into "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow". There's even some psychedelic video effects!

They finish up with their Engrish take on "Knock On Wood". Not one word of it is understandable. Complete gibberish. Sort of adorable gibberish, but gibberish nonetheless.

Oh yeah, and then they take off their dresses and change into bikinis!

And then they dunk Jeff into the hot tub. This part, I like.

So ends the pilot. Any sane group of individuals would take a hard look at the horror they just created and close down production, but clearly the lunatics had taken over the asylum, because Pink Lady and Jeff hobbled along for another five magnificent episodes.

Stay tuned.

- Ken McIntyre 

Killer Party (1986)

Directed by William Fruet
Starring Joanna Johnson, Elaine Wilkes, Sherry Willis-Burch
Rated R
Canada

"It's Goat Night!"

Here's the thing with Canada, at least in the 80's. Basically they would take some chunk of American culture, from heavy metal to horror movies, and they would make it as lame as possible. Killer Party is a prime example. As the legend goes, the film began shooting in 1978,  but then it went over budget and production was shut down until 1984, when it was finished. But it still didn't get released theatrically until 1986. I don't remember it being in theaters, and I went to see alot of dumb horror movies in the 80's. It was directed by William Fruet, who has mostly done TV shows like like Friday the 13th and Goosebumps.

Killer Party opens with a funeral. Only four people show up. One of  the mourners gets sucked into the coffin and then gets cremated alive!

No she doesn't. It's just a movie playing at a drive-in. One of the drive-in patrons, a blonde with crimped hair, goes to the concession stand for popcorn. There's nobody there! When she goes back to the car, her boyfriend's missing! And then a psycho attacks her while White Sister plays at the abandoned concession stand! It basically turns into a White Sister video with zombies, which some other chick is watching on TV. What the fuck is going on here?

By the way, the movie was originally called April Fools, which is why White Sister play a song called You're No Fool, which is a song about a girl named April.

Pheobe - the White Sister fan - heads off to college on 10 speeds with her two pals, Vivia and Jennifer. By the way, if you are interested, Phoebe is portrayed by Elaine Wilkes, who gave up acting in 1988 (if she hadn't already given it up while making this movie) and now has a PHD in "Naturopathy", AKA alternative medicine, which is not a real thing. Sherry Willis Burch is Vivia, the only other film she ever made was another 80's slasher, Final Exam. And Jennifer is Joanna Johnson, who went on to a lucrative career in soap operas. Anyway, they have lots of girl-fun along the way while a bad Bananarama rip-off song called Best Times plays on the soundtrack. They're going to pledge a sorority! At least that's the plan. But when the pass by a creepy old house, Jennifer starts getting second thoughts.

But forget all that for now, because we've got sorority girls to frolic with. They lounge in a hot tub together and discuss whether the old frat house is going to open again or not after being shuttered for 20 years. That's the creepy house.

And then Virgil shows up to deliver some champagne, and steals their doorknob. Turns out he's a front for a frat-gang  who terrorize the girls by throwing a jar of bees into the hot tub. Then they film the screaming, bee-stung,  half-naked coeds with a super 8 camera as they frantically try to get in the house, which they can't, because Virgil stole the doorknob. What a prank!

And then the frat mother or whatever they call it, walks over to the haunted house and starts talking to a gravestone about how the girls are using the house for "goat night" and that he should just take it easy. Then she goes in to check things out. Naturally, she gets clubbed to death five minutes later.

Then the girls meet the evil frat girl who initiates them with various humiliations.

She tells them they have to go steal some t-shirts from a fraternity. By the way, one of the girls, Vivia, wears paper clips for earrings. Seriously, look at those things!

Also, Paul Bartel is a flustered English professor. In the movie, I mean. He's a dead actor in real life.

The girls sneak into the frat to steal the shirts, but someone's watching them. Who? No time to ponder, because they've got a heist to pull. Jennifer distracts one of the frat guys with her tongue while the other two abscond with the shirts.

And then she goes home and walks around braless, which is nice.

She's on her way to take a shower when Martin the nerdy Freshman shows up. He's the stalker! But is he also a killer? Dunno. Maybe. Probably not.

Finally, it's Goat Night!

The girls are blindfolded and forced to swallow goat eyes whole. Don't worry though, they're just grapes! And then they pour raw eggs into the mouths and making then spit them up into glasses. And then they get paddled! Pretty kinky, esoteric shit, man. Also there's a point in he middle where it appears that Jennifer is possessed by an evil spirit, which I assume is the dead guy in the backyard. And poltergeist shit starts happening.

Vivia goes into the basement and cuts her own head off for laughs. It was her all the time! She pranked the pranksters. The next morning, she gives her severed head to Martin, who gets so upset he crashes his car. Then they play "Best Times" again. "These are the best times...of our lives..."

The girls get accepted into the sorority but the chief sorority girl or whatever tells Vivia she's got to pull the same prank on the frat boys. Fair enough. And then Paul Bartel gets a promotion, which allows him to explain what happened at the old abandoned frat house. It's the usual humiliation and murder bullshit.

The girls show up to set-up their prank. Jennifer freaks everybody out with her urban legends. Or are they?
They are not. They never are. Who knows why, but Paul Bartel is sniffing around in there too, and he gets electrocuted to death. Also there's a corpse or two mouldering away down there. But whatever, because it's time for the big April Fools party, which is sort of like a Halloween party in that everyone is in costume. Only a couple of the costumes are actual things, though.

Anyway, just when the April Fool's King and Queen are supposed to get crowned, the doors all slam shut and the party-goers are assaulted with balloons! And then a couple of the frat boys start wailing on each other and one of 'em gets stabbed to death. Or does he? April fool's, ladies and gentlemen! Everybody's having an awesome time, really. Except for Jennifer.

Turns out she's right. Somebody in a deep sea divers helmet starts moidering all the party goers. And since there were only about seven of them in the first place, their ranks thin very quickly.

Pretty soon, everybody's dead except for our plucky trio. And there's a good chance one of them isn't who she used to be!

Things get weird from there. Exorcist-y, even. Also, the finale offers up a difficult conundrum. What do you do when your best friend is possessed? Also, the ending is way more grim then the rest of the movie.

Killer Party is a sorta- fun, definitely stupid 80's slasher with terrible music and leotards. Sure, it could have used some gore and more tits, but you never got everything you wanted in the 80's. That's not what  the 80's were about. That's not what Canada is about, either. Therefore, thumbs up.

- Ken McIntyre

White Slaves of Chinatown (1964)

Directed By Joseph P. Mawra
Starring Audrey Campbell, Marlaina Abbie, Gigi Darlene, George Weiss
Unrated
USA

"I'll show you what we do with tramps like you!"

The BDS&M roughie genre gets off to a plodding start in the first of the Olga pictures, White Slaves of Chinatown. Don't let the race baiting title deceive you, there aren't many Asians to be seen. However there are plenty of nylons, and tied up chicks getting roughed up to help you forget all of that. Not quite in abundance, too be clear, but what's there is more than in your average picture. White Slaves of Chinatown is not quite raincoat worthy, yet it's not quite a date flick either. Now lets get down to it.

As was the de rigueur at the time, this roughie paints itself as a cautionary tale. With Chinese parade music on a seemingly continuous loop (spiced up with the occasional jazz number) the flick begins with front page headlines. Highlights include the words: Narcotics! Addicts! Schoolchildren!  Hey, you get the point. And where is the source of the nations woes? Fuckin Chinatown, where we are warned that those who venture here, are "surely taking their life in their own hands!" Why? Because OLGA!

Olga's habitat is town home on the outside, and a beehive of torture chambers on the inside. Here we see female after female, collapsed on the dirt floor, exhausted, filthy, and deprived of life's necessities as Olga (Audrey Campbell) gradually turns them out to make money for her on the street. Olga's a pimp! But she's not quite her own boss. Her "secret strength" is that she is backed by the syndicate. One little half-assed plot involves a young lady named "Frenchy". Frenchy (Gigi Darlene) is the daughter of a "high-ranking French diplomat."

Frenchy resists Olga's attempts to secure her signature on a stack of letters asking her dad to send her money. Hey, no problem. Now we get to hear the Chinese parade music as Frenchy wiggles around topless on the floor of her dirty, tiny cell. After all that, she is ready to sign anything. Olga takes the money straight to the syndicate, where she buys more drugs both to turn out prostitutes, and to deal. Again, the narrator explains to us that "Olga is an animal without conscience, who wouldn't think twice about selling pot to young schoolchildren. Anything for a buck."

There are numerous other little machinations afoot. An escape attempt, peeks into a white opium den/make out room, there's also an abortion scene. Notably, the doctor is portrayed by George Weiss, who not only produced all of the Olga films. But also produced Glen or Glenda. He was portrayed by Mike Starr in the movie Ed Wood. Perty neat, huh?

The BDS&M action is light. The floggings are seen by shadow only. But there's a handful of damsels all tied up, with fear in their eyes, a couple of topless scenes, and leering looks at thighs clad in nylon. Dame Olga is a beautiful villain, in some scenes she is lit like a vampire. And (spoiler alert), she never gets caught. She just carries on being an alpha bitch, ripping and tearing her way through America's youth. Someone grab the popcorn.

-BoDuley

Space Thing (1968)

Directed by Byron Mabe
Starring Karla Conway, Cara Peters, Merci Montello, Fancher Fague
Unrated
USA

“This 'love' thing was getting out of hand.”

A Diane Lane-esque ginger beauty lays in bed next to her shlubby middle-aged hubby Jim (Steve Vincent), who's embroiled in his science fiction magazines. He loves 'em, can't get enough, spends most of his time thinking about  space travel and babbling about alternate dimensions. She's had enough of it, and tells him that if he doesn't pay her some attention, she's throwing all his goddamn sci-fi bullshit out. So he bangs her to shut her up. She's appreciative, but even as they bathe in the aferglow, he finds himself distracted by his outer space stuff.

Soon, he drifts off to sleep, dreaming about his life in another galaxy. Cue the Laugh-in-esque credits, scrawled in dayglo swirls on the bodacious bods of the the space girls.

In Jim's dream, he is a Captain Kirk-esque starship captain, the victim of a mutiny by “rapscallions” and set adrift in his “space canoe” to fend for himself. He spots an enemy ship and, bravely, steers himself into its orbit. Then he attempts to board.

Connie (pint-sized Playboy playmate Karla Conway), who is naked except for a constantly slipping towel,  lets him in. Through the front door. How else?  They are soon joined by Captain Mother (Cara Peters, another playmate), who, by her name and the looks of her ridiculous/bonerific outfit, is running this ship, and a chubby oaf named Willie (Dan Martin). On the voiceover, Jim talks about how repulsed he is by these disgusting creatures.  Damnit Jim,  have you gone space-mad? Anyways, he tells Capn' Mother that his ship was blown up, but he escaped using his supersonic sneakers. She tells him he can stay and do her grunt work. He tells her he's a Colonel back in Kansas, and therefore not required to do any heavy lifting. She laughs in his face.

Meanwhile Connie gets dressed. Sort of. I dunno if an outfit that skimpy counts as 'dressed'. Then she wakes up her roommate Portia (Merci Montello, playmate number 3), to let her know there's a handsome man on board. Portia doesn't like getting up without a good reason.

Jim wanders around the ship and finds a mirror. He is shocked when he sees what he looks like as a “Terranian”. So that's why he was freaked out by bare-assed Connie! Maybe he's usually a lizard?

Anyway, man-hungry Portia sidles up to him and tells him she's from Kansas, too. Then she makes out with him, but her jealous boyfriend Cadet (Stan Isfloride) shows up and knocks Jim the fuck out.

She runs to Captain Mother and tells her it was all Jim's fault. Capt Mother storms off to deal with him. Too-tan Astrid (the incredibly named Fancher Fague) rolls her eyes and calls Portia a liar, so they tussle a bit until Willie breaks it up. Don't you know the rules of girl-fighting, Willie? Nobody breaks up a, sexy girl fight!

To keep himself out of trouble, Jim pops invisibility pills, and then just skulks around the ship, watching all the amorous antics. Like when Portia and Cadet get it on while wearing silver boots that I'm pretty sure are covered in duct tape.

Or later on, when Portia and Captain Mother canoodle.

Willie sticks around to catch that one, too.

Things get a little weird when Captain mother pulls out a whip, but that's space love, baby.

Apparently there's a “no men” rule on the ship, and Portia's been breaking it all over the place.

And then an asteroid smashes into the ship! Which I think is a meatball pinging off a pie plate.

Luckily they all survive. Connie celebrates by seducing Jim while wearing what looks like a torn-up green curtain.

Then everybody sits down for dinner. Their futuristic space stools are very clearly garbage cans. They eat steak-flavored jelly beans. On the voiceover, Jim complains that he misses “juicy meats”. Then he storms off, sneaking into the control room to fiddle with some knobs. What are you up to, Jim from Kansas?

Turns out, Captain Mother is on a mission to Kansas to scoop up some 'specimens' for experimentation.  When Jim found this out, he figured the only solution was to alter the ship's course so that it would smash into an asteroid and kill them all, thereby sparing Kansas from an attack by hot chicks with space leotard wedgies. But Mother orders Willie to land on the nearest planet before they can crash. Thwarted!

The planet turns out to be pleasantly warm, so they lay down some blankets and mellow out. Captain Mother gets it on with Astrid, which is nice, because I was beginning to think she wasn't going to get naked like all the other girls. Whew.

But what about poor Willie? Doesn't he get to bang somebody? He runs into Connie, who's been running around in circles, topless, with Portia for the past ten minutes, and offers his services. She just shakes her head at him and wanders off. Sorry, Willie.

Meanwhile, Jim has sex with Portia while wearing shiny gold pants. “This is ridiculous,” he says. No kidding.

Captain Mother, determined to keep her ship strictly lesbianic, decides to have sex with Jim, just to prove...well, I'm not sure what it's supposed to prove. But she does it. And then she realizes that maybe men aren't so bad after all.

And then she gets back in her space ship and blows up the Earth. Or something like that. The end.

Directed by the same nutball that made the infamous She Freak, Space Thing is incredibly cheap and clunky and stupid. There's no getting around that. However, the film looks great (camerawork is credited to 'Sy Klops', who is most likely sludge-flick DP wizard Gary Graver), and the girls are hot and naked for pretty much the entire running time which, mercifully, is only 80 minutes. If I saw this when I was 14, I'd probably think it was the greatest film ever made. I sorta feel that way now. Boners will be popped!

Space Thing is available from Something Weird.

- Ken McIntyre