Big Doll House(1971)

Directed by Jack Hill
Starring Pam Grier, Judy Brown, Sid Haig, Brooke Mills, Pat Woodell
Rated R
USA

"You don't look like a hardened criminal to me"

 The funniest part of this whole movie came right at the beginning for me. Not that that this is a funny movie in any way, or that it's low budget automatically creates funny scenes, or even that it's directed by Jack Hill. No, the funniest part for me was seeing the Metro Goldwyn Mayer intro. I mean somehow Roger Corman secured major distribution though this major studio! How is that even possible? You've got to give it to the man, selling a movie about women in prison to MGM. So yeah, that cracked me up a bit, especially after watching the last MAG movie which was also a Roger Corman production. And like Ken said about the man, he's been using this formula for fifty years now, and it still works.

Big Doll House and indeed Attack of the 50ft Cheerleader are perfect examples of that Roger Coman Formula. Forty two years apart, different directors and producers, and yet it's so obvious that they're related. Both offer nothing more than what you think you're going to get. And both deliver. Whalla! Perfecto. What a formula!

The plot of Big Doll House is pretty simple. A bunch of American babes are in some sort of Banana Republic prison for no detectable reason. They get tortured every once in a while by the sadistic guards and fight amongst themselves for power. And unlike the misleading tag line in the otherwise wonderful poster art, these women are less than pleased by men. They're only real desire is to get the fuck out of there. Still, they make due by having cockroach races, engaging in various dominant and submissive lesbian trysts and dancing around on heroin.

 The only males in the film are a pair of horny fruit and vegetable delivery men(Jerry Franks and Sid Haig) and a hapless prison doctor who's flat performance throughout the movie provide a lot of chuckles.

Pam Grier made her debut in Big Doll House and it's easy to see she's the real star of the film. She lights up every scene she's in and her future as a box office draw is pretty clear. Jack Hill is often credited for discovering her but in his own words she just showed up for a casting call and the rest was history. Her performance alone makes this film worth watching and her brief scenes with Jack Hill staple, Sid Haig are golden.

Grear(Grier) lets Harry(Haig) feel her up and molest her now and then in exchange for cigarettes and heroin for her junkie slave. Fair enough. But life in this women's prison, as sexy as it is, isn't always a bowl of cherries. The main guard is a total pervo and uses some strange combination of military styled BDSM to torture the ladies. Everything from electricity to poisonous snake torture shows up in her sessions, all as a masked figure watches from the distance.

At this point the girls have had it and they get to work planning their escape. Personally I would have liked a little more implied lesbian bonding at this point. They've been cat fighting for the whole film so far and now they're friends and it would have been hot, but whatever.

From this point on it's guns and murder as the girls fight their way out. They trick the boys into helping them, there's another snake scene(only in the Philippines, man)and even a cat who delivers a key securing their escape. Unfortunately all this goodness leads us to the films one major flaw; the unnecessary rape scene.

Eww. Sure she's the bad guy and she had some sort of comeuppance due, but...gross. This scene would have played out way better with some light to maybe heavy lesbian torture by one of the former prisoners. It would have made more sense and ended up a lot hotter. All the men fail at this point in the film. Harry, once at least an understandable character, becomes intolerable. Fred, the other fruit guy does nothing and the hapless doctor becomes pathetic as he looks away. Oh well.

But even before you can process any of this, all hell breaks lose as a bunch of prison guards show up and start shooting. Craziness ensues and in true Jack Hill form, nothing good happens in the end.

Big Doll House is often cited as the first of the women in prison films, and that claim is often disputed by weird Internet people citing earlier examples. I can see their point is some cases, but give me a break. Are these weak-ass examples distributed through Metro Goldwyn Mayer? No. They are not. So yes, it's safe to say that we owe Roger Corman a big pat on the back for introducing the concept to the world, and therefore creating the genre.

So for that, and for introducing us to Pam Grier, and even despite the unfortunate rape scene, I have to give Big Doll House a huge Rumspringa Woo.

-Drew

Land of Doom (1986)

Directed by Peter Maris
Starring Deborah Rennard, Garrick Dowhen, Daniel Radell
Unrated
USA

“You creep! You creep!!” 

It's the end of the world. How'd it end? Who knows and who cares? That's what our heroine/narrator says at the beginning. So, ok. All that's left are pockets of civilization out in the desert, but they are being slowly-but-surely decimated by the “Raiders”, a group of half-assed, mostly middle-aged slobs in leather pants who drive around on “armored” motorcycles. Only the armor is cardboard spray-painted silver. Anyway, as the film opens, the Raiders are raping (clothes on) and pillaging yet another village. The only survivor is Harmony (Deborah Rennard), a plucky bleached-blonde in a baggy surfari suit. Given the outfit and her lack of eyeshadow, one would  assume that there'll be a “makeover” segment at some point, where she emerges with a face full of makeup and maybe a black leather bikini. That's how these post-apoc things always play out, right? As the 'story' wears on – she teams up with a wisecracking mercenary and a puppy-loving lute player, fight French/southern redneck cannibals, gets kidnapped by the Raiders, some Jawas show up with a flamethrower, etc – you keep expecting the goddamn sexy makeover to happen. That's the only thing that keeps you going, because everything else sucks. The pop-disco soundtrack is lousy, there's no gore or nudity, the dialogue is witless, there's just no GOOD PARTS. But at least she'll look super-hot at some point, right? Then all this will be worth it. Meanwhile, you start feeling bad for everyone involved. It strikes you that these are all full-grown ADULTS involved in this childish nonsense, and you think about all the wasted time, money, and resources that went in to this Z-grade, no-budget Road Warrior rip-off, and it really starts to bum you out. But hey, it's 1986, so she's gonna put on blue eye shadow and do a sexy Amazon dance any minute now, right?

Well, spoiler alert: SHE NEVER DOES.

If you're thinking of watching this – it's currently streaming on Netflix, so I can see how you might be tempted – honestly, don't. Anything would be more entertaining. Read the phonebook, watch some paint dry, go sit at the doctor's office and read three year old issues of People magazine. Those would all be more fun than watching this was.

Land of Doom? More like Land of Dumb, amiright, people?

- Ken McIntyre

Sunset Boulevard (1950)

Directed by Billy WIlder
Starring Gloria Swanson, William Holden, Eric Von Stroheim
Unrated 
USA

"Shhh, you might wake the chimp." 

Joe Gillis (William Holden) is a two-bit heel slash hack screenwriter on the lam from various debtors. One day he spies some repo men aiming to take back his wheels, so in desperation, he pulls into an empty garage and stashes his car. He notices that he happens to be in the courtyard of a once-luxurious, currently decrepit old mansion. Before he's able to slink off into the night, he's accosted by a grumpy German butler (Eric Von Stroheim), who ushers him into the house and shoves him upstairs, where a batty old lady is awaiting him.

Said bat is Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson), a former silent film star now aging disgracefully among her faded photographs in her crumbling mansion. She thinks Joe is here to help her bury her dead monkey. Initially, Joe just wants to bail out of this freaky scene, but once he figures out that she's flush with crazy money, he decides to stick around for awhile. She convinces him to help her write a screenplay that will usher in her comeback. Joe knows the script is hopeless, but does it for the paycheck. She falls in love with him, and he falls in love with the easy money.

Along the way, Joe's best friend Artie (Jack Webb) introduces him to his fiance, Betty (Nancy Olsen), another aspiring screenwriter. Together, they start fleshing out one of Joe's stories. It's a lot more promising then Norma's kooky project, so he begins spending more time with Betty, which infuriates jealous old Norma. And if Artie knew just how close Joe was getting Betty, he'd be pretty furious, too.

Norma decides she's finished with her comeback script, and brings it to CC Demille (played by the real CC Demille!), who basically pats her on her head and sends her on her way. Between this gentle rejection and Joe's philandering, Norma goes right over the brink, into a new realm of crazy that still hasn't been matched in sixty years of woman-gone-mad cinema.

Even if you haven't seen  Sunset Boulevard, you're probably familiar with some of Norma's more notorious lines ("I am big, it's the pictures that got small!", "We didn't need dialogue, we had faces!", "Mr Demille, I'm ready for my close-up!"). It's one of the most quotable films I've ever seen. Ostensibly a film-noir, it often verges into deep black comedy, and the campy vamping is just relentless. The fact that Swanson really was a silent film star, who actually worked with Demille, just makes the whole thing even more delirious. Wilder keeps things at a breakneck pace and his script veers expertly between hardboiled and hilarious, but it's Swanson's go-for-broke performance that really puts this one over the top. Her loony glares alone are worth the price of admission.

Great stuff, highly recommended. Just be forewarned that you'll be quoting crazy old lady dialogue to anyone within earshot for days after watching.

- Ken McIntyre 

Death Laid an Egg (1968)

Directed by Giulio Questi

Starring Ewa Aulin, Jean-Louis Trintignant, Gina Lollobrigida

Rated R

Italy 

"Don't count on me to understand anything!" 

This alarmingly surreal Giallo centers on a pop-art chicken farm run by some maniac (Jean-Louis Trintignant), his hot wife (a forty-and-fit Gina Lollobrigida), and his equally hot (and blonde) secretary (Ewa Aulin, AKA the big-eyed chick from Candy), with whom he is having an affair. What makes him a maniac? Every week he goes to a local hotel, picks out a prostitute, stabs her to death, and then has sex with her corpse. Every fuckin' week!  

But here's what he doesn't know: his wife (who owns the farm) is working with the chicken company to breed headless, wingless chickens that are all meat, no cluck. When he discovers these hideous mutants, he goes bananas and tears up the place, thereby ushering in his doom. And everybody else's, as well. 

Oh, and here's the important bit: wifey finds out about his whore habit (although not about the murder-y bits) and decides, for some unfathomable reason, to show up at the hotel dressed like a hooker to catch him in the act. Or something. I couldn't really figure out why, although it is a key plot point. Anyway, the point is, the secretary buys her a bunch of lingerie and then she tries it on. That part was excellent. 

The grisly/bizarre finale is supposed to wrap everything up nicely - and I do get where they were going - but by then, there's so many loose ends left dangling in the breeze that it really just muddies the bloody waters even further. Also, the cinematography made me woozy - lots of extreme closeups - and the pseudo-industrial soundtrack (made, I think, to sound like angry chickens) is a headache. 

Still, it's a giallo about a futuristic chicken farm. And Gina Lollobrigida is in her underwear in it. Therefore, it's a mothercluckin' good time.  

- Ken McIntyre

Spider Baby (1968)

Written and directed by Jack Hill
Starring Lon Chaney Jr., Jill Banner, Beverly Washburn, Sid Haig, Emily Howe and Quinn K. Redeker
Unrated
USA

"Seductive innocence of Lolita...savage hunger of a black widow!" 

Spider Baby is a mess of a movie if you want to get technical about it. But trust me, you don't. This drive-in gem's shortcomings are largely overshadowed by what can only be described as pure charm. Spider Baby is clearly the product of a labor of love, which in my opinion is what separates it from the ridiculous Ed Wood comparisons it has unjustly received in the past. Thankfully I'm not alone as any Google search will reveal.

There's something so good about Spider Baby at times you easily forget it's a horror comedy altogether. The performances are top notch and the characters themselves are so instantly endearing I find myself wondering why Spider Baby isn't mentioned in film school 101. I hadn't seen this film is some ten years or so and I have to say despite the slightly misplaced humor and choppy cinematography, this film has aged quite well. It's cult status is clearly secure, but perhaps it's time to bump this classic up to required viewing. At least amongst MAG followers.

The film centers around the surviving members of the Merrye Family and Bruno, the caretaker who for some reason is devoted to the three, shall we say, demented adult children. Mom and Dad are clearly dead and the gruesome foursome, along with a few unseen aunts and uncles, live in seclusion in a dilapidated mansion that only The Musters would be jealous of.

We learn pretty quickly that Virginia is the bad one. The spider baby. But when her sister Elizabeth walks in and finds that Virginia has killed a hapless mailman, we learn she's not so good either. Instead of  screaming "Holy Jesus Motherfucking Christ" she simply frowns and says "Bruno is going to be mad".

And indeed he is mad. Sort of. Maybe sad is a better word. At any rate no form of punishment is doled out beyond making the girls clean up the blood as he disposes of the body, which he does by lowering it down to the basement (remember the unseen uncles and aunts?).

Ralph, the older brother finds the package the mailman was delivering and gives it to Bruno and now after this insane character development, we find our plot. It turns out the Merrye family is worth a lot of money and some distant cousins are wanting to cash in on the estate. And they're coming tonight for a visit!

Bruno does his best when the guests arrive. He politely explains to them(and to us finally)that the children are retarded due to inbreeding and that's why they don't go to school and stuff. During dinner, which consists of a cat Ralph killed and gross looking vegetables, Bruno further explains that the family line has a degenerative disease and he slightly hints at cannibalism, at least to the audience, which I assume was supposed to remember the people in the basement at this point. The film was originally titled Cannibal Orgy which at least  explains the lyrics in the theme song and some of the rather vague dialogue.

From here the movie gets dark and strange...

 Some die.....

.....and some don't. I wont ruin the ending for you, although it's not much of a surprise that things don't turn out well.

Spider Baby plays like David Lynch directing a 1964 PG version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's also at least to my knowledge one of the earliest horror films to feature a demented family unit as its protagonist, a concept that would go on to be a horror plot line staple in the years to come. It's worth repeating here how well this film stands up 44 years after it's initial release. Flaws and all, Spider Baby comes highly recommended.

- Drew

Gothic & Lolita Psycho (2010)

AKA Psycho Gothic Lolita
AKA Gosurori shokeinin
Directed by Go Ohara
Starring Rina Akiyama, Misaki Momose
Unrated
Japan

“I've come to execute you.”

Yuki (Rina Akiyama) celebrates her 16th (?) birthday with mom and dad. The first sign of trouble is that  their little party takes place in an all-white room and they're wearing all-white clothes. Something tells me things are about to get messy. Sure enough, a gang of black-cloaked martial artists/occultists burst through the door in a slow-mo fury, paralyzing dad, smashing Yuki in the face, and crucifying mom to the wall while her family watches. Ouch.

Cut to: sometime later. Yuki is now dressed wearing an black lolita ensemble. Her dad (a priest, incidentally) is in a wheelchair. He hands her an umbrella with a sword tip, and sends her off to execute the thugs that murdered her mom.  And that's what she does, one by one. In between the bouts of bloody revenge, the story of why this all happened is slowly teased out. Hint: mom isn't exactly what she appeared to be.

About 90% of Lolita is fighting, which leaves little time for characterization or nuance or even logic, so don't expect a gripping story. Also, like a lot of Japanese gore flicks, Lolita is a low-budget affair, but they make up for it with stylistic excess: lots of cartoony lighting, firehoses of arterial bloodspray, soft-focus, slow motion, etc. That being said, the film isn't gooey and disgusting like Tokyo Gore Police, for example, and it's not all that slapsticky, either. It mostly harkens back to 70's Pinky Violence films, and often resembles a micro-budgeted Kill Bill, especially during the extended battle with eye-patch sprting sniper Lady Elle (Misaki Momose). Elle might be the most enthralling - yet incredibly annoying- Japanese villainess I've ever seen. She yammers and giggles in a sing-songy chipmunk voice while she sprays bullets willy-nilly with her twin knife-guns (!). Halfway through her battle-to-the-death with Yuki, she gets a phone call from her boyfriend. Turns out, one of the guns is also a cell phone. She takes the call, while continuing her gunfight.

As for our girl Yuki, at some point she trades in her umbrella-sword for an umbrella-machine gun, but mostly she Karates everybody to death. That is, until the hair-raising climax, when Lolita suddenly shifts into an 80's Italo-horror flick, with demons and guillotines and latex abuse and fog machines galore.

If Gothic & Lolita Psycho was not one of many Japsplatter flicks, if it was a just a one-off anomaly, it would blow your fuckin' mind. I mean, this is one seriously caffeinated movie, featuring a sexy heroine in a black-leather babydoll outfit chopping fools heads off in showers of bloody mayhem. But the fact is, you've seen it a dozen times already. Even director Ohara has sifted through this material before with 2008's Geisha vs Ninjas. But if you're alright with a rehash, then good times await you, because this is almost non-stop mayhem. Someday it may be worth examining how and why culture has gurgled so far down the drain that 90 minutes of decapitations eqaul an enthusiastic thumbs-up, but not today. Today is my day off, so fuck it. Thumbs up!

PS: In Japan, Akiyama is known as “Bishiri no Joo”, the “Queen of the Beautiful Ass”. That's her main gig, showing that thing off in magazines and whatnots, and her ass-model status was featured heavily in the promotion of the film. So it seems like a serious oversight when, aside from one brief flash of her black leather panties, you never actually catch a glimpse of it in Gothic & Lolita Psycho. I mean, if that's the main reason I bought it in the first place (ahem), I would be sorely disappointed. Luckily, the internet is pretty generous with its Bishiri no Joo collection, so here's a few pics to lessen the pain.

- Ken McIntyre

Dark Horse (2012)

Directed by Todd Solonz
Starring Jordan Gelber, Selma Blair, Christopher Walken, Mia Farrow
Unrated
USA 

"Nobody cares."

First of all, the trailer to this film is a total snow job. Makes it look like an awkward/dysfunctional rom-com about two semi-lovable losers. Dark Horse is not that. It's actually a non-linear psychodrama about god-knows-what. I'm not sure why I expected anything different from Todd Solonz. He's never gonna make another Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, Dark Horse stars portly character actor Jordan Gelber as Abe, a 35 year old balding asshole who drives a bright yellow Hummer and lives with his parents (Christopher Walken and Mia Farrow). He works for his dad, too, sorta, although most of his day at the office is taken up with buying $400 Thundercats toys on Ebay. Everything about Abe is repulsive, from his outfits (track pants and socks-with-sandals) to the way he treats his long-suffering parents. Solonz really screws us with this guy, because he's not even fun to hate. He's such a pathetic wretch that your disgust sloshes queasily into pity. And this is within the first five minutes. We've still got an hour and a half left to deal with this clown.

So anyway, he meets Miranda (Selma Blair) at a wedding. She's just out of it enough to accept his invitation to go out sometime. They have one uneventful date (so uneventful it takes place on the front steps of her house), and he asks her to marry him. Miranda is such a strung out, terminally depressed mess that she agrees, figuring that just giving up on her dreams and getting married and having kids might be easier than actually trying to improve her life. So that's what she does.

Or does she? I have no idea, because after the first twenty minutes, the film becomes an endless succession of dream sequences, mostly Abe's, but sometimes Miranda's, sometimes Abe's dad's, and even sometimes Abe's dad's secretary's. By the end of the film you have literally no idea what the fuck just happened. Luckily, none of the characters are compelling enough for you to care.

There is really only one reason to bother with Dark Horse, and that's because Selma Blair's in it. She looks great - even though she's supposed to look awful, and even when she's passed out on a bed in a drug haze - and for the few minutes she's actually in it, she's pretty convincing as a zonked-out misanthrope.

She's like Aubrey Plaza's middle-aged, pill-popping, suicidal older sister. Selma's presence didn't make up for the rest of the bullshit, though. If you're looking for a long slog to nowhere, you've found it. Otherwise, seek your Selma kicks elsewhere. And also, f**k Todd Solonz.

- Ken McIntyre

We Are The Night (2010)

Directed by Dennis Gansel
Starring Karoline Hefurth, Nina Ross, Jennifer Ulrich, Anna Fischer
Not Rated
Germany 

“People fall apart so easily.”

Like me, you may be saying to yourself, “Just how many more fuckin' vampire movies can my overtaxed brain and strained eyeballs endure?” Well, the answer is at least one more.

Three sexy German vampires – one clearly still stuck in the 1920's, one a bubbly party girl, and the Ingrid Pitt-y leader of their cursed clan – lay siege to a jet on is way to Paris, draining passengers and stewardesses alike before tearing open a side-door and free-falling through the air.

Cue opening credits, as well as heightened expectations. With this decade's glut of tweenage vamps, it feels like a minor miracle to land on a bloodsucker epic with a novel approach to the well-worn subject.

Anyway, we then meet a scruffy, tomboy sneak-thief, Lena, who narrowly avoids getting popped by a good-guy cop named Tom before fucking off to a cavernous underground disco for a dance party hosted by – you guessed it – the toothsome trio. Head vamp Louise akes a shining to her – she's pretty sure Lena is her soul(less) mate – so she bites her.

It takes a good 15 or so minutes of meat-sucking and pimp killing, but eventually, after some kind of ceremonial bath, Lena accepts her fate. Also, they finally start dressing her like a girl, which is nice.

While all this is going on, Tom-the-cop is busy investigating a series of brutal crimes. Are they related to the vamps? Probably. They own a lot of sweet stuff. Like crazy-expensive cars. Louise gives Lena a Lamborghini and then takes them all shopping for diamond-encrusted  watches and whatnots. While browsing the aisles, Lena gets the skinny – they can eat people food for fun, fuck all they want without getting pregnant, do as many drugs as they want without getting hooked and drink their heads off without hangovers. Also, they killed all the boy vampires because they didn't want anyone telling them what to do.

So that's their trip, basically. Undead party girls. They're all terrible dancers, though. You think you' d figure that out after a couple hundred years.

Here's the problem, though. Turns out Lena's not into chicks, which really throws a monkey wrench into Louise's romantic plans. Also, Lena feels nostalgic and goes home to hug her mom and grab some stuff, and runs into Tom. He's fairly certain she's up to antics of some kind. Also, he's sorta into her. She  feels the same way. Too bad she's undead. They have coffee and exchange cute banter while Louise spies on them while hanging upside down on a building like Spiderman, quietly seething. Lena senses her lesbianic pal in the shadows and splits.

Later on, the girls have an impromptu pool party and end up snuffing a couple security guards. Up to this point, Lena was apparently unaware that they kill people for all that  blood she's been guzzling. She runs off and leaves Tom a message. He's on the case. Next thing you know, dozens of cops are storming the vamps' hotel!

Three of the girls barely escape in a hail of gunfire and deadly sun rays – one of 'em isn't quite so lucky – so they decide it high time they got the fuck out of Germany. The plan is to go wreak some havoc in Moscow, but with all the ill-will in their ranks, will they make it? Will they even live to see another sunset? And can Lena find love with a human cops now that she's an immortal monster?

Maybe. Seems unlikely, though.

I gotta tell you, I was pretty surprised by this one. It's flashy, fast-moving, and witty, and the girls are gorgeous. Not exactly ground-breaking stuff, but definitely worth a look.

- Ken McIntyre 

Boarding House (1982)

Directed by John Wintergate
Starring Kalassu, Lindsay Freeman, Selma Kora, John Wintergate
Rated R 
USA

"Last week the Hoffman house was open for boarders. Along with the residents...something else moved in!"

For most of the 20th century making a feature film was an enormous and prohibitively expensive pain-in-the-ass. Trucks full of lighting equipment, giant expensive cameras with a range of specific lenses, reel to reel recorders and boom mikes, and the lab processing of miles of fragile film were all required to make even the cheapest low-budget quickie. The trashiest ultra-cheapo roughie would still cost you more than 5 or 10 brand new Jeep Cherokees.

And then came Videotape. The consumer grade video camera made it possible for any jerk with $700 and a pair of VCRs to shoot, edit, and foist upon the world, a craptacular feature film. And, if two-hours of internet research is to be trusted, the first shot on home video feature to receive a North American Theatrical release was 1982's BOARDINGHOUSE.

It is easy enough to give the plot of the film in a nutshell, because there is not really a nutshell's worth of plot to begin with. A crappy house in the San Fernando Valley has been the scene of a series of unexplained "telekinetic" deaths and has been bequeathed to an amoral young (if 45 is young) swinger named Jim. He runs and classified ad for roomies that begins with the phrase "Girls Girls Girls!" and encourages attractive and unattached party  (age 18 to 25 - No Fatties!) to move into his pad for dirt cheap rent and some good times.

Apparently back in 1982 women in Los Angeles were more concerned with inexpensive rent than with their own personal safety, so in the wink of an eye, a bevy of busty beauties move in with Jim a settle into a life of constant sexual harassment and telekinetic hi-jinx.  As the girls are getting settled a latecomer named Debbie shows up and, in a super-fake English accent, begs to get in on the action.  The girls are skeptical, but after Jim gives her a sleazy once-over, she is welcomed aboard.

A note about Jim. Director John Wintergate realized that the character of Jim, a middle-aged scum ball who the script requires to make out with a bunch of topless 20 year old starlets and have off-putting mechanical shower sex in a 46 second scene that is 45 seconds too long, was too complex a figure to place in the hands of just any actor. So, despite looking like a cross between Marty Feldman and Mike Reno from the band Loverboy, Wintergate cast himself in the demanding role. He must have also worried that the role of the alcoholic gardener would prove too nuanced as well, so he donned a leather jacket and a mothy wig and grunt/mumbled a spellbinding performance.

It's all laughter and topless splash fights in the pool until strange telekinetic horrors begin visiting the fun-loving girls. Bloody hallucinations in the shower, refrigerators that spew yogurt at your face, bars of soap that spin with unearthly fury, and flying eggs are just the beginning of the nightmare. Things get worse for the girls (and the audience) when we begin seeing an amorphous evil blob with 8-bit computer sounds right before something gory is about to happen.

Things come to a head when the girls throw a pool party/orgy and host an impromptu concert for the band 33 and a Third (Apparently a real band featuring Wintergate's wife, Kalassu). The fuzzy blob gets busy and has girls gouging out their own eyes and veteran cops turning their weapons on themselves. I won't spoil the ending for you, but I will say that Jim spends a few minutes screaming, "No Debbie! No!"

With it's total lack of production value, it's flimsy plotting and dialog, and it's profoundly bad editing, BOARDINGHOUSE is pretty thin soup, even for fans of laughable crap. Maybe the ample supply of buxom 80's boobies is enough for some fans to give it a look. The film is available on DVD from Code Red and would probably be a much more satisfying experience for fans of nudity than the third generation VHS transfer that I watched. But in truth, no format is going to make this shot-on-video disaster look good.

- Kent "Woodshed" Shelton