Spider Baby (1968)

Written and directed by Jack Hill
Starring Lon Chaney Jr., Jill Banner, Beverly Washburn, Sid Haig, Emily Howe and Quinn K. Redeker
Unrated
USA

"Seductive innocence of Lolita...savage hunger of a black widow!" 

Spider Baby is a mess of a movie if you want to get technical about it. But trust me, you don't. This drive-in gem's shortcomings are largely overshadowed by what can only be described as pure charm. Spider Baby is clearly the product of a labor of love, which in my opinion is what separates it from the ridiculous Ed Wood comparisons it has unjustly received in the past. Thankfully I'm not alone as any Google search will reveal.

There's something so good about Spider Baby at times you easily forget it's a horror comedy altogether. The performances are top notch and the characters themselves are so instantly endearing I find myself wondering why Spider Baby isn't mentioned in film school 101. I hadn't seen this film is some ten years or so and I have to say despite the slightly misplaced humor and choppy cinematography, this film has aged quite well. It's cult status is clearly secure, but perhaps it's time to bump this classic up to required viewing. At least amongst MAG followers.

The film centers around the surviving members of the Merrye Family and Bruno, the caretaker who for some reason is devoted to the three, shall we say, demented adult children. Mom and Dad are clearly dead and the gruesome foursome, along with a few unseen aunts and uncles, live in seclusion in a dilapidated mansion that only The Musters would be jealous of.

We learn pretty quickly that Virginia is the bad one. The spider baby. But when her sister Elizabeth walks in and finds that Virginia has killed a hapless mailman, we learn she's not so good either. Instead of  screaming "Holy Jesus Motherfucking Christ" she simply frowns and says "Bruno is going to be mad".

And indeed he is mad. Sort of. Maybe sad is a better word. At any rate no form of punishment is doled out beyond making the girls clean up the blood as he disposes of the body, which he does by lowering it down to the basement (remember the unseen uncles and aunts?).

Ralph, the older brother finds the package the mailman was delivering and gives it to Bruno and now after this insane character development, we find our plot. It turns out the Merrye family is worth a lot of money and some distant cousins are wanting to cash in on the estate. And they're coming tonight for a visit!

Bruno does his best when the guests arrive. He politely explains to them(and to us finally)that the children are retarded due to inbreeding and that's why they don't go to school and stuff. During dinner, which consists of a cat Ralph killed and gross looking vegetables, Bruno further explains that the family line has a degenerative disease and he slightly hints at cannibalism, at least to the audience, which I assume was supposed to remember the people in the basement at this point. The film was originally titled Cannibal Orgy which at least  explains the lyrics in the theme song and some of the rather vague dialogue.

From here the movie gets dark and strange...

 Some die.....

.....and some don't. I wont ruin the ending for you, although it's not much of a surprise that things don't turn out well.

Spider Baby plays like David Lynch directing a 1964 PG version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's also at least to my knowledge one of the earliest horror films to feature a demented family unit as its protagonist, a concept that would go on to be a horror plot line staple in the years to come. It's worth repeating here how well this film stands up 44 years after it's initial release. Flaws and all, Spider Baby comes highly recommended.

- Drew

Gothic & Lolita Psycho (2010)

AKA Psycho Gothic Lolita
AKA Gosurori shokeinin
Directed by Go Ohara
Starring Rina Akiyama, Misaki Momose
Unrated
Japan

“I've come to execute you.”

Yuki (Rina Akiyama) celebrates her 16th (?) birthday with mom and dad. The first sign of trouble is that  their little party takes place in an all-white room and they're wearing all-white clothes. Something tells me things are about to get messy. Sure enough, a gang of black-cloaked martial artists/occultists burst through the door in a slow-mo fury, paralyzing dad, smashing Yuki in the face, and crucifying mom to the wall while her family watches. Ouch.

Cut to: sometime later. Yuki is now dressed wearing an black lolita ensemble. Her dad (a priest, incidentally) is in a wheelchair. He hands her an umbrella with a sword tip, and sends her off to execute the thugs that murdered her mom.  And that's what she does, one by one. In between the bouts of bloody revenge, the story of why this all happened is slowly teased out. Hint: mom isn't exactly what she appeared to be.

About 90% of Lolita is fighting, which leaves little time for characterization or nuance or even logic, so don't expect a gripping story. Also, like a lot of Japanese gore flicks, Lolita is a low-budget affair, but they make up for it with stylistic excess: lots of cartoony lighting, firehoses of arterial bloodspray, soft-focus, slow motion, etc. That being said, the film isn't gooey and disgusting like Tokyo Gore Police, for example, and it's not all that slapsticky, either. It mostly harkens back to 70's Pinky Violence films, and often resembles a micro-budgeted Kill Bill, especially during the extended battle with eye-patch sprting sniper Lady Elle (Misaki Momose). Elle might be the most enthralling - yet incredibly annoying- Japanese villainess I've ever seen. She yammers and giggles in a sing-songy chipmunk voice while she sprays bullets willy-nilly with her twin knife-guns (!). Halfway through her battle-to-the-death with Yuki, she gets a phone call from her boyfriend. Turns out, one of the guns is also a cell phone. She takes the call, while continuing her gunfight.

As for our girl Yuki, at some point she trades in her umbrella-sword for an umbrella-machine gun, but mostly she Karates everybody to death. That is, until the hair-raising climax, when Lolita suddenly shifts into an 80's Italo-horror flick, with demons and guillotines and latex abuse and fog machines galore.

If Gothic & Lolita Psycho was not one of many Japsplatter flicks, if it was a just a one-off anomaly, it would blow your fuckin' mind. I mean, this is one seriously caffeinated movie, featuring a sexy heroine in a black-leather babydoll outfit chopping fools heads off in showers of bloody mayhem. But the fact is, you've seen it a dozen times already. Even director Ohara has sifted through this material before with 2008's Geisha vs Ninjas. But if you're alright with a rehash, then good times await you, because this is almost non-stop mayhem. Someday it may be worth examining how and why culture has gurgled so far down the drain that 90 minutes of decapitations eqaul an enthusiastic thumbs-up, but not today. Today is my day off, so fuck it. Thumbs up!

PS: In Japan, Akiyama is known as “Bishiri no Joo”, the “Queen of the Beautiful Ass”. That's her main gig, showing that thing off in magazines and whatnots, and her ass-model status was featured heavily in the promotion of the film. So it seems like a serious oversight when, aside from one brief flash of her black leather panties, you never actually catch a glimpse of it in Gothic & Lolita Psycho. I mean, if that's the main reason I bought it in the first place (ahem), I would be sorely disappointed. Luckily, the internet is pretty generous with its Bishiri no Joo collection, so here's a few pics to lessen the pain.

- Ken McIntyre

Dark Horse (2012)

Directed by Todd Solonz
Starring Jordan Gelber, Selma Blair, Christopher Walken, Mia Farrow
Unrated
USA 

"Nobody cares."

First of all, the trailer to this film is a total snow job. Makes it look like an awkward/dysfunctional rom-com about two semi-lovable losers. Dark Horse is not that. It's actually a non-linear psychodrama about god-knows-what. I'm not sure why I expected anything different from Todd Solonz. He's never gonna make another Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, Dark Horse stars portly character actor Jordan Gelber as Abe, a 35 year old balding asshole who drives a bright yellow Hummer and lives with his parents (Christopher Walken and Mia Farrow). He works for his dad, too, sorta, although most of his day at the office is taken up with buying $400 Thundercats toys on Ebay. Everything about Abe is repulsive, from his outfits (track pants and socks-with-sandals) to the way he treats his long-suffering parents. Solonz really screws us with this guy, because he's not even fun to hate. He's such a pathetic wretch that your disgust sloshes queasily into pity. And this is within the first five minutes. We've still got an hour and a half left to deal with this clown.

So anyway, he meets Miranda (Selma Blair) at a wedding. She's just out of it enough to accept his invitation to go out sometime. They have one uneventful date (so uneventful it takes place on the front steps of her house), and he asks her to marry him. Miranda is such a strung out, terminally depressed mess that she agrees, figuring that just giving up on her dreams and getting married and having kids might be easier than actually trying to improve her life. So that's what she does.

Or does she? I have no idea, because after the first twenty minutes, the film becomes an endless succession of dream sequences, mostly Abe's, but sometimes Miranda's, sometimes Abe's dad's, and even sometimes Abe's dad's secretary's. By the end of the film you have literally no idea what the fuck just happened. Luckily, none of the characters are compelling enough for you to care.

There is really only one reason to bother with Dark Horse, and that's because Selma Blair's in it. She looks great - even though she's supposed to look awful, and even when she's passed out on a bed in a drug haze - and for the few minutes she's actually in it, she's pretty convincing as a zonked-out misanthrope.

She's like Aubrey Plaza's middle-aged, pill-popping, suicidal older sister. Selma's presence didn't make up for the rest of the bullshit, though. If you're looking for a long slog to nowhere, you've found it. Otherwise, seek your Selma kicks elsewhere. And also, f**k Todd Solonz.

- Ken McIntyre

We Are The Night (2010)

Directed by Dennis Gansel
Starring Karoline Hefurth, Nina Ross, Jennifer Ulrich, Anna Fischer
Not Rated
Germany 

“People fall apart so easily.”

Like me, you may be saying to yourself, “Just how many more fuckin' vampire movies can my overtaxed brain and strained eyeballs endure?” Well, the answer is at least one more.

Three sexy German vampires – one clearly still stuck in the 1920's, one a bubbly party girl, and the Ingrid Pitt-y leader of their cursed clan – lay siege to a jet on is way to Paris, draining passengers and stewardesses alike before tearing open a side-door and free-falling through the air.

Cue opening credits, as well as heightened expectations. With this decade's glut of tweenage vamps, it feels like a minor miracle to land on a bloodsucker epic with a novel approach to the well-worn subject.

Anyway, we then meet a scruffy, tomboy sneak-thief, Lena, who narrowly avoids getting popped by a good-guy cop named Tom before fucking off to a cavernous underground disco for a dance party hosted by – you guessed it – the toothsome trio. Head vamp Louise akes a shining to her – she's pretty sure Lena is her soul(less) mate – so she bites her.

It takes a good 15 or so minutes of meat-sucking and pimp killing, but eventually, after some kind of ceremonial bath, Lena accepts her fate. Also, they finally start dressing her like a girl, which is nice.

While all this is going on, Tom-the-cop is busy investigating a series of brutal crimes. Are they related to the vamps? Probably. They own a lot of sweet stuff. Like crazy-expensive cars. Louise gives Lena a Lamborghini and then takes them all shopping for diamond-encrusted  watches and whatnots. While browsing the aisles, Lena gets the skinny – they can eat people food for fun, fuck all they want without getting pregnant, do as many drugs as they want without getting hooked and drink their heads off without hangovers. Also, they killed all the boy vampires because they didn't want anyone telling them what to do.

So that's their trip, basically. Undead party girls. They're all terrible dancers, though. You think you' d figure that out after a couple hundred years.

Here's the problem, though. Turns out Lena's not into chicks, which really throws a monkey wrench into Louise's romantic plans. Also, Lena feels nostalgic and goes home to hug her mom and grab some stuff, and runs into Tom. He's fairly certain she's up to antics of some kind. Also, he's sorta into her. She  feels the same way. Too bad she's undead. They have coffee and exchange cute banter while Louise spies on them while hanging upside down on a building like Spiderman, quietly seething. Lena senses her lesbianic pal in the shadows and splits.

Later on, the girls have an impromptu pool party and end up snuffing a couple security guards. Up to this point, Lena was apparently unaware that they kill people for all that  blood she's been guzzling. She runs off and leaves Tom a message. He's on the case. Next thing you know, dozens of cops are storming the vamps' hotel!

Three of the girls barely escape in a hail of gunfire and deadly sun rays – one of 'em isn't quite so lucky – so they decide it high time they got the fuck out of Germany. The plan is to go wreak some havoc in Moscow, but with all the ill-will in their ranks, will they make it? Will they even live to see another sunset? And can Lena find love with a human cops now that she's an immortal monster?

Maybe. Seems unlikely, though.

I gotta tell you, I was pretty surprised by this one. It's flashy, fast-moving, and witty, and the girls are gorgeous. Not exactly ground-breaking stuff, but definitely worth a look.

- Ken McIntyre 

Boarding House (1982)

Directed by John Wintergate
Starring Kalassu, Lindsay Freeman, Selma Kora, John Wintergate
Rated R 
USA

"Last week the Hoffman house was open for boarders. Along with the residents...something else moved in!"

For most of the 20th century making a feature film was an enormous and prohibitively expensive pain-in-the-ass. Trucks full of lighting equipment, giant expensive cameras with a range of specific lenses, reel to reel recorders and boom mikes, and the lab processing of miles of fragile film were all required to make even the cheapest low-budget quickie. The trashiest ultra-cheapo roughie would still cost you more than 5 or 10 brand new Jeep Cherokees.

And then came Videotape. The consumer grade video camera made it possible for any jerk with $700 and a pair of VCRs to shoot, edit, and foist upon the world, a craptacular feature film. And, if two-hours of internet research is to be trusted, the first shot on home video feature to receive a North American Theatrical release was 1982's BOARDINGHOUSE.

It is easy enough to give the plot of the film in a nutshell, because there is not really a nutshell's worth of plot to begin with. A crappy house in the San Fernando Valley has been the scene of a series of unexplained "telekinetic" deaths and has been bequeathed to an amoral young (if 45 is young) swinger named Jim. He runs and classified ad for roomies that begins with the phrase "Girls Girls Girls!" and encourages attractive and unattached party  (age 18 to 25 - No Fatties!) to move into his pad for dirt cheap rent and some good times.

Apparently back in 1982 women in Los Angeles were more concerned with inexpensive rent than with their own personal safety, so in the wink of an eye, a bevy of busty beauties move in with Jim a settle into a life of constant sexual harassment and telekinetic hi-jinx.  As the girls are getting settled a latecomer named Debbie shows up and, in a super-fake English accent, begs to get in on the action.  The girls are skeptical, but after Jim gives her a sleazy once-over, she is welcomed aboard.

A note about Jim. Director John Wintergate realized that the character of Jim, a middle-aged scum ball who the script requires to make out with a bunch of topless 20 year old starlets and have off-putting mechanical shower sex in a 46 second scene that is 45 seconds too long, was too complex a figure to place in the hands of just any actor. So, despite looking like a cross between Marty Feldman and Mike Reno from the band Loverboy, Wintergate cast himself in the demanding role. He must have also worried that the role of the alcoholic gardener would prove too nuanced as well, so he donned a leather jacket and a mothy wig and grunt/mumbled a spellbinding performance.

It's all laughter and topless splash fights in the pool until strange telekinetic horrors begin visiting the fun-loving girls. Bloody hallucinations in the shower, refrigerators that spew yogurt at your face, bars of soap that spin with unearthly fury, and flying eggs are just the beginning of the nightmare. Things get worse for the girls (and the audience) when we begin seeing an amorphous evil blob with 8-bit computer sounds right before something gory is about to happen.

Things come to a head when the girls throw a pool party/orgy and host an impromptu concert for the band 33 and a Third (Apparently a real band featuring Wintergate's wife, Kalassu). The fuzzy blob gets busy and has girls gouging out their own eyes and veteran cops turning their weapons on themselves. I won't spoil the ending for you, but I will say that Jim spends a few minutes screaming, "No Debbie! No!"

With it's total lack of production value, it's flimsy plotting and dialog, and it's profoundly bad editing, BOARDINGHOUSE is pretty thin soup, even for fans of laughable crap. Maybe the ample supply of buxom 80's boobies is enough for some fans to give it a look. The film is available on DVD from Code Red and would probably be a much more satisfying experience for fans of nudity than the third generation VHS transfer that I watched. But in truth, no format is going to make this shot-on-video disaster look good.

- Kent "Woodshed" Shelton

Sticky Fingers (1988)

Directed by Catlin Adams
Staring Helen Slater, Melanie Mayron, Eileen Brennan, Carol Kane
Rated PG-13
USA 

"Do you have any donuts?"
"Tofu donuts."

Written, produced and directed by women - a rarity even now, never mind the 80's - Sticky Fingers is a quirky girl-buddy comedy/crime caper set in New York, filled with eccentric characters and shot with manic, screwball verve. Hattie (Helen Slater) and Lolly (Melanie Mayron) are a couple of down-on-their-luck classical music buskers with big piles of 80's hair that live in a run-down apartment building run by cranky landlady Stella (Eileen Brennan) and her sister, lady-super Kitty (Carol Kane). One fateful afternoon they get a visit from their weed dealer, Diane (Loretta Devine), who stashes a bag full of cash in their closet. When they discover it, they freak out and try to return it. Unfortunately, they can't find her. Also unfortunately, Stella just slapped them with an eviction notice. So they dip into the cash. And then they get robbed. The dirty robbers steal their instruments, but not the money. So they dip into the cash again, and buy a new cello and violin for $90,000. Since they're on a roll, they decide to pick up some other essentials, too: high end stereo and TV equipment, expensive  perfume, and designer clothes. They quickly burn through $200,000 before Diane calls, telling the girls she'll be home by the weekend and she'll pick up her bag when she gets there.

Well, only one thing to do: go to Chinatown and try and gamble the money back. Amazingly enough, they win all their money back. Not so amazingly, they get robbed five minutes later. Luckily for them, Diane gets arrested. Not so luckily, they lose the rest of the money when Lottie leaves it on the hood of a cab. That's around the time the gangsters show up to retrieve their dough. And when the cops show up to retrieve the gangsters. Things get pretty nuts from there.

Sticky Fingers boasts lots of fun cringe-com moments, great chemistry between the leads, a sweet romantic sub-sub plot for Carol Kane (adorkable as always - she's the proto-Zooey!), and frequently jaw-dropping fashions. Sadly forgotten and relegated to a patchy VHS release in the late 80's, the film is nonetheless a quirky delight. Fans of similar urban 80's romps like Desperately Seeking Susan, Something Wild and After Hours, should seek it out. Hint: try Netflix.


- Ken McIntyre 

Teenage Hitchhikers (1975)

Directed by Gerri Sedley
Starring Chris Jordan, Sandra Peabody, Nikki Lynn
Rated R
U.S.A.

Filmed in two weeks in Woodstock, New York, Teenage Hitchhikers (made in 1974, briefly released in 1975) consistently evokes the hippie-free-love vibe associated with the historic concert that took place there a few years before.

The story concerns two young female runaways, soon to be joined by a third, on an episodic quest for life's meaning. Or failing that, a set of wheels and chances to get laid.

Though hastily made and full of the usual cinematic shortfalls one expects to find in these drive-in obscurities, there's enough inventiveness and variety in Teenage Hitchhikers to keep the viewer interested throughout its 80-minute running time. (Not to mention an abundance of skin, too.)

We open on our leading ladies, Mouse and Bird, seeking their destinies thumbs first.


Quirky blonde Chris Jordan (first credited as "Kathie Christopher," then "Kathy Christopher" at the end), star of several soft- and hardcore titles throughout the early 1970s, portrays Mouse, while Bird is played by Sandra Peabody (a.k.a. Sandra Cassell), best known as doomed Mari in Wes Craven's nightmarish The Last House on the Left (1972).

In fact, the circumstance with which the film beings -- two young girls on their own, vulnerable and seemingly at risk -- kind of resembles the beginning of Craven's film, as does the ultra-low budget and film-on-the-fly approach. However, the mood here remains mostly playful throughout, aimed more at frivolity than fright.

Sort of feel like the characters' names might've been reversed. Jordan's angular frame and toothy grin does kind of resemble a bird. And with her pigtails and cute pout Peabody often looks kind of mousey. In any event, after an unsuccessful initial stretch the wayward duo finally catch a ride in a motorhome full of musicians, a band called the Energy Crisis, who have a couple of groupies in tow.

The guys seize the opportunity to perform a song for their new audience, and for a short while everything's real groovy, man.


As the song plays on, the girls engage in conversation with the two groupies who perhaps represent a possible fate for Mouse and Bird. After their talk, Mouse cynically concludes the guys in the band probably "want us for the second team." "I wouldn't mind being a groupie… just for an hour or two," says Bird, but Mouse isn't as interested.

Sure enough, when the song concludes the fellas set their sights on the girls, suggesting what one refers to as some "groupie therapy" with Mouse and Bird. When Mouse insists on some "bread" in return, the band leader has a ready rejoinder: "You chicks want bread, go fuck a baker." "Come on, Bird, that's our exit line," says Mouse, and back out into the night they go.

The next day they are back on the highway, again failing to find rides. Hungry, they decide to stop by a pond and try to catch fish with their bare hands.


As was the case during the earlier encounter with the Energy Crisis, the dialogue continues uninterrupted, with Mouse more upbeat than Bird about the situation.

"This is the spirit we left with and this is spirit we've got to keep… the pioneer spirit!" says Mouse.

"Some spirit," answers Bird. "Give me a credit card any day."

"Cut the chatter. The trout can hear you, you know? Just like the Indians, you gotta respect your prey."

"Fuck 'em."

"Who?"

"Indians, trout, pioneers. This 'adventure' as you call it is one big pain in the you-know-what!"

Despite her pessimism, Bird actually does succeed in catching a trout, although not with her hands…


…however, it gets away, and soon the girls are on the road again. They reach a truck stop diner, and when Mouse suggests they go in, Bird reminds her they have no money. "In this economy, boobs and butts are legal tender," says the still sanguine Mouse, and they proceed.

Inside they find a young soda jerk with a lone older customer. The girls order big meals, and when asked if they have money make suggestive comments about alternative methods of payment. Before long the jukebox is playing and Mouse and Bird have engaged in a manic dance-slash-striptease for their male audience.


But the scene ends abruptly, a fizzing bottle of beer suggesting some sort of premature climax before a jump cut lands the pair back roadside complaining about how they never did get their meal. "Let's activate emergency procedures," suggests Mouse, alluding to a previously discussed plan to increase the likelihood of getting a ride.


Alas, that fails. Rapidly they proceed to "emergency procedure plan number two."


Success! A grinning toupee-wearing ladies clothing salesman named Dick Dagger (Peter Carew) stops to pick them up in his station wagon. When they tell him their unusual names, he says with a giggle, "Well, it's only fair to warn you, I've done some cattin' around in my day!" Soon they are trying on his merchandise in the car, all the while Bird explaining "We're just a couple of lonely young virgins, innocent to the vices of the world, on an adventure down the highway of life in search of truth and beauty."

"Look, who's kidding who," says Dagger. "I've got truth right here in my pants… and it's a beauty!"

Dagger's salesmanship appears to work on the girls, as soon they are taking turns in the back with him. The fun ends, however, when a cop pulls them over. Ultmately Dagger is the only forced to pay any consequences.


In fact, not only do the girls escape the situation, they make off with Dagger's cash, too. Danger lurks, however, as the arresting officer sees them off with warnings about an escaped rapist on the loose. Unsurprisingly, they soon find themselves face-to-face with the criminal after rescuing a potential victim in the woods. Our heroines decide to employ "emergency defense plan number one" which apparently involves Bird seducing the rapist by stripping and chomping on an unsubtly-symbolic apple.


An absurd conversation follows, with Bird insulting the rapist by suggesting he comes up short manhood-wise. Her criticism working to lessen his motivation. "From now on, every time I try to rape somebody, I'll be thinking something's wrong with me!" he complains. "Not wrong, just inadequate," smirks Bird.


The actor (Ric Mancini) actually looks a little like David Hess, who played the villainous Krug in The Last House on the Left. Mari didn't try the same tactic in that film, not that it would've worked in any other world than the absurd one developing in Teenage Hitchhikers. Bird actually gives the rapist a shot at proving his "technique" can overcome his physical limitations, but her yawning response only further withers him (literally and figuratively).

Mouse then suggests to the rapist they have a threesome involving bondage, and he instantly agrees.


Of course it's a ruse, and soon the girls leave the moron tied to a tree to go take care of the young girl they'd saved before, the virginal Jenny (Nikki Lynn). While giving her a bath at a pond that looks suspiciously like the one they'd visited earlier, they recruit her to join them on their journey, adding that "six tits are better than four."


Soon the trio gets picked up by wealthy woman named Toni Blake (Claire Wilbur) who says she wants to take them back to her mansion for some "parlor games… something… tongue in cheek."

Once there, Mouse and Bird plan to keep Toni occupied while Jenny is instructed to fill her bag with whatever valuables she can find. Sad strings provide the soundtrack as Bird initially rolls around in the grass with the decadent dowager. Then Mouse goofily plays with her in the bath with her over a goofily-plucked banjo.


Meanwhile, Jenny fails in her mission to gather anything, too distracted by being away from her boyfriend who happens to be the soda jerk from the truck stop, Kylie. The girls aren't too upset with her, though, as "Madam Toni" gave them some money before they left and now they're confident they can afford a car.

The group has a quick run-in with the cop from before, but a fast-motion, slapsticky montage has them take care of him in short order.


Next comes a lengthy sequence in a used car lot -- really a junk yard -- which the proprietor (Kevin Andre) proudly describes as Farquhar's Classic Car Emporium. The scene proceeds slowly, then unsurprisingly resolves in a way that provides further evidence boobs and butts really are legal tender. In other words, they get their car, and like Dick Dagger and the policeman before him, Farquhar is left in a somewhat similar state.


"Now that we have a car, it's going to make all the difference in the world," says Bird excitedly as the three enjoy dinner out. But Jenny is still whining about being homesick and missing her Kylie. Subsequent discussion reveals a little how Bird and Mouse ended up runaways. Finally they cheer Jenny up to the point of resuming their adventurous quest, and with everyone back on board they leave to buy some new clothes.

With a Joplin rag playing, another speeded-up montage follows as the girls try on clothes, with the shop's owner -- it's Peter Carew again (the same actor who played Dick Dagger) -- peeping on them as they do. But the girls get theirs as Mouse steals a credit card from his wallet while he watches...


...and they purchase tons of clothes using his own card which he somehow fails to recognize.


Now behind the wheel, the girls pick up a couple of hitchhikers themselves, a spaced-out chick and a dude claiming to be the rock star "Mongo Donny" who is in fact Jenny's love, the soda jerk Kylie (Donald Haines). Their passengers are heading to a party and invite the girls. Mouse says "Right on!" and off they go.

"Who belongs to the wheels?" asks the spaced out chick as they drive. "We all went in on the car together," explains Bird. "Thumb-tripping was getting to be a drag."

"It's the only way to be free, man," comes the reply. "I guess the material world is your bag."

"The rip-off world is our bag," answers Bird defiantly. "We've had a lot of experience." "From ballin' to bankin'!" adds Mouse.

Meanwhile "Mongo Donny" makes out with spaced-out chick in the back, which understandably puts Jenny (who knows it's her Kylie) in a mood. They soon arrive at the party, and Jenny rolls her eyes some more at a couple going at it in the hammock out front.


Inside they discover a wild scene hosted by "Bruce, the resident fag" (played by Kevin Andre who appeared as Farquhar from before). They change their clothes for the party, although soon it becomes apparent clothes aren't really necessary, as everyone begins to strip for what instantly becomes a shameless, uninhibited orgy.

Mouse and Bird quickly find mates and join right in…


…although Jenny continues to remain unsure about it all.


The lengthy, inspired sequence features tons of skin and a few scattered grins, including Bruce offering to show Mongo/Kylie his snake and a game of reverse strip poker in which losers put back on clothes. (The scene likely comprises most if not all of the six minutes excised from some versions, a cut undoubtedly necessary for the R-rating.)

There's more, including some drama over whether or not the girls might get ripped off at the party as well as what might become of young Jenny and Kylie a.k.a. Mongo. Mr. Rapist also makes a threatening return.


But as with most of the film, a light tone prevails.


Though toying with themes of innocence and experience, suggesting at times some greater purpose or message may have inspired it, Teenage Hitchhikers ultimately isn't really coherent enough to work as a "coming of age" story. Even so, this boobs-butts-and-bush-laden bildungsroman does entertain throughout, with the returning of characters from earlier in the story (characteristic of the genre) and actors playing dual roles adding an extra layer of whimsy.

A few of the episodes successfully produce laughs, and some of the dialogue and occasional wordplay might even recall the much more witty and successful drive-in classic The Cheerleaders (1973). Like that film, the teenaged protagonists here demonstrate a strange mix of worldliness and naïveté, although in this case the balance is less steadily maintained. Even so, for fans of '70s drive-in sexploitation, Teenage Hitchhikers is probably worth stopping for.


- Triple S