The Carhops (1975)

AKA California Drive-in Girls
Kitty Can't Help It
Directed by Peter Locke
Starring Kitty Carl, Pamela Des Barres, Marcie Barkin
Rated R
USA

"It's a real sympathy wound."

Here's what important to know about The Carhops. It's not about carhops. The carhopping is over with two minutes into the film. So then, what is it about? Hard to say. Rape, mostly.

Kitty (Kitty Carl) gets fired from her job as a carhop on her first day. She was banging the boss when his wife walked in. This doesn't seem like a good time to make major life changes, but her fellow 'hop Vicky (supergroupie Pamela Des Barres) convinces her to throw caution to the wind, leave home, and start all over again with a bunch of her flaky friends. Kitty bites, rents an apartment in Vicky's neighborhood, and takes one last ride with her screwy, over-protective, wildly racist mother (60's sitcom regular and Joyce's cousin, Fay DeWitt). As they wind their way to Kitty's new pad, mom spies all the hippies and drop-outs cruising the streets.
"Close your eyes, and you can see Charles Manson," she mutters. Somehow or another, their conversation drifts to hitchhikers. Mom mentions that she read in Reader's Digest that every time someone one stops to pick up a hitcher, there's a black man in the bushes waiting to pounce. Kitty is incredulous.
"C'mon, mom", she says. "Don't you know black is beautiful?"
"Well," mom snorts, "If I had to be raped, I'd rather it be with somebody white and ugly than black and beautiful."
So that was pretty crazy.

Meanwhile, just across the street, the weirdly-accented (Hungarian?) call-girl Cindy (blaxploitation's go-to white chick, Lisa Farringer), buys weed from Vicky and entertains some fucker with a horrendous mustache named Tom ( Mr. Stockard Channing himself, David Debin).

Vicky trots over to Kitty's to hang out and gets propositioned by schlubby neighbor Albert (the awesomely named Walt Wonderman). She rebuffs him, so he goes home to goose his cheating wife, Sherry (Marcie Barkin, The Van, Chesty Anderson US Navy) who puts raw chicken down the back of his shirt. And then we flash back to earlier that day, when she took two hippies home and boned 'em. They speed the camera up for the fuck scene. It's funnier that way.

Cindy and Tom finish balling. He pays her (she has a taxi meter on her bedstand) and then she asks him to move in with her.
"On one condition," he says. "You have to rape me at least once a night."
What's with all the fucking rape talk in this movie?

Later on, some other dude comes over. He strips down, puts a bag on his head, and stands in the shower while Cindy hits him in the ass with pies.
"Is this banana cream?" He asks. "You know I can only get off with pumpkin pie!"
"Haha," Cindy laughs. "You're lucky I took the candle off."
What candle?

At this point, you may be wondering when the plot kicks in. Well, that's gonna take a while. First, there's a scene where Vicky plays the acoustic guitar and sings a folk song while Sherry, Cindy, and Kitty look on. When it's over, they all tell her how horrible it was, and then everybody encourage Kitty to fuck their men. That was pretty crazy, too.

Somewhere along the way, Kitty scored a new job as the secretary for a mince-y gay fellow named Barry (Paul Ross) who says stuff like this:
"I got my teeth kicked in at the leather bar last night because I wore suede. You know how much I hate regimentation!"
Barry has some important client, Macgregor (Jim Deleon, Linda Lovelace for President) that he needs to impress, so he tells Kitty she has to go to dinner with him. They go to some sleazy nightclub where a gum-chewing contortionist performs.
"Hahaha," laughs her grabby date. "It's one shithouse after another."

McGregor drives Kitty home and tries to get invited in, but when she spurns him, he grabs her by the hair and pushes her down to the ground.
"If you scream," he growls, "I'll bash your head on this concrete. Now just be quiet, and relax."
Seriously, more rape bullshit?
Vicky's girlfriend BJ (Asher Brauner) shows up out of nowhere and chases him off. Kitty is strangely non-plussed about being saved.
"Now I'm out of job," she sighs. "I should have just lied there and let him do whatever he wanted to."
"Don't worry about money," BJ says, helpfully. "I've got 20 dollars in the bank."
By now, you are probably desperate for a plot. Well, sorry. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

BJ and Kitty end up hitting it off, so they go to the desert, where they make sweet 70's love. Afterwards, BJ terrorizes her with an iguana. When she gets back, Cindy asks her to go with Tom to a movie, so she can catch up on her clients. Kitty agrees, and they go to see a porn/gore flick called Dr Demento's Chamber of Lust. Then they go back to Kitty's and fuck. The next day, Kitty meets Vicky's other boyfriend, Pat (Don Baldwin, Gator Bait). Imagine that, they get along as well, so she goes to the beach with him and they run around holding hands and skipping rocks. Then she goes with Albert on one of his business trips to San Francisco, and we spend the next ten minutes watching them goof around at various SF tourist traps while life-sapping muzak plays on the soundtrack.

Back at the hotel, Kitty and Albert start to get amorous. He goes out for liquor, but when he comes back, he walks into the wrong room and climbs into bed with Uschi Digard. Her boyfriend shows up, kicks Albert in the ass, and then jumps on the bed and starts whaling on Uschi. By the way, the entire reason I decided to watch Carhops - besides the fact that I thought it was about carhops - was because Uschi was in it. She's in it for about 7 seconds.

So anyway, Kitty arrives back home from SF feeling pretty optimistic, but things take a turn for the terrible when that fuckin' creep Macgregor climbs in through a window and attempts to rape her at knifepoint.

Right before he has his evil way, mom and Albert (where'd they come from?) burst in. Kitty is freed, but Albert gets slashed in the belly. Macgregor bails, punching Tom in the face (what's he doing here?) and stealing his car. Then BJ roars up in his black Charger (where'd he...etc.), and they chase after him. Tom pees his pants. Standard 70's car-fight hijinks ensue. Amazingly, we have arrived at our film's conclusion, and still, no plot to speak of. That's probably harder than it seems. I actually tried it once in college, to write an action movie that was all action and no story. It's pretty impossible. You've got to give it to the two numbskulls that wrote this thing, they managed to waste an entire hour and a half without one single identifiable storyline. Remarkable!

Oh, and there's a twist ending, but my print is too dark to make it out. Drop a line if you know what it is.

In Summation: Carhops has an excellent poster and an excellent title, which not only got it made, but is apparently still convincing saps like yours cruelly to watch it. At the time, director David Locke was just peeling himself out of the X industry. He's since gone on to produce dozens of cheap horror movies, including the recent Hills Have Eyes remake and its sequel. Porn and gore, apparently, is something Locke can do with panache. R rated sex comedies, on the other hand, are just not his forte. Bland, creepy, and depressingly unfunny, with less nudity than you'd like and more threats of rape than you could possibly need, Carhops is useful only to Uschi completists and groupie enthusiasts keen on seeing Pam Des Barres strum an acoustic guitar. I didn't exactly feel cheated, but I'm pretty numb at this point. You'd probably be pretty disappointed.

Availability: Carhops is available on DVD.

- Ken McIntyre

Pizza Girls (1978)

AKA Pizza Girls, We Deliver!
Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls
Directed by Bob Chinn
Starring John Holmes, Desiree Cousteau, Candida Royalle
Rated X
USA

"Your name is Anne Chovy?"
"I know, what a coincidence!"

It took 'em awhile to realize that porn didn't have to be funny or interesting or good to sell units. Back in the 70's, during adult cinema's so-called "Golden Age", X flicks were actually shot on 35mm film. There were location shoots and scripts, and even a modicum or two of acting skill. That doesn't even make sense when you compare it to modern stroke-cinema, which has been reduced to fetish-intensive clips with no build-up or storylines, just mechanical sports-fucking with messy and often tragic endings. They look like two entirely different animals. The lines are blurred further still when you stumble upon a rusty old gem like Pizza Girls, which clearly mines the teen sex com for inspiration, and then splatters a bunch of graphic humping on top.

As the title would suggest, Pizza Girls follows the carnal exploits of the gang at Country Girl Pizza, a popular neighborhood pizzeria in San Francisco run by - naturally - John the Pizza Man (John Holmes, RIP), a gruff, tough-talking horse's ass who takes phone orders with the cheerful greeting of "It's your dime your wasting, pal."

Given John's nasty attitude, he'd have to have a serious hook to get by, and he certainly does: a four-girl army of skateboarding hussies in halter-tops and short-shorts who vroom around town delivering pies and, if need be, a little something extra. Our sex on wheels team includes Geno (Candida Royalle), the 'head' specialist, Shakey (Laurien Dominique, RIP), Celeste (Christine De Shaffer), and the new girl, Anne Chovy (Desiree Cousteau), who, unlike her gum-snapping, hard-case co-workers, really is a country girl.

As our saga begins, wide-eyed innocent Anne is starting her first day as a delivery girl. John explains to her what it's all about:
"It's very simple. A 'Bell Pepper Bell Pepper' with any other combination, that means it's a horny housewife and the husband wants to join in. If it's a 'Bell Pepper Bell Pepper, Hold the Pepperoni', that's a horny housewife and the husband just wants to watch."
Etc.
John gives the girls their orders, and away they zoom.

Meanwhile, there's a bumbling detective (isn't there always?), Inspector Blackie (the awesomely named John Seeman) skulking around the area, intent on busting the Pizza prostitution scheme wide open. Unfortunately he's stuck in a phone booth for the first half-hour of the movie.

Right. So, the deliveries.
Geno blows an urban cowboy who says, "Your mouth is better than a hot volcano."
A fuckin' hot volcano? Well, I should hope so, sir.

Meanwhile, Anne sorta mangles her first delivery. This particular pie comes with a side order of cunnilungus, and as she sits there with the very Rip Taylor-esque customer nuzzled between her thighs, she eats the pizza herself while motor-mouthing about life back in Alabama, including some alarming information about her old boyfriend Jimmer:
"Jimmer always said the only thing better than a 13 year old was a ripe twelve year old."
That'd be a mood killer for me, personally, but Mr. Taylor just flips his kerchief and dives in.

The girls deliver their pizzas/services and do such a bang-up job that their cowboy johns form a plan to rescue/kidnap them from Holmes. How? By calling 'The Night Chicken', of course.

Meanwhile, the Inspector decides to make his move, so he rolls down the sidewalk on his skateboard (everyone is on skateboards in this movie) holding a siren. He crash lands into Celeste and Geno and threatens to arrest them, but since he has no proof, he has to let them go. Clearly, no one thought out this scene beyond 'Hey, it'll be funny if he crashes his skateboard into them', because it doesn't actually go anywhere.

Celeste gets accosted by some unseen assailant who drags her behind a fence. We do not see what occurs, but feathers fly, and there's a prominent clucking on the soundtrack. She arrives back at the pizzeria looking worse-for-wear. When John asks her what happened, she says, "I was mugged."
"You mean, they got your pizza?"
"Not exactly mugged," she says. "I was raped."
"Raped?" repeats Geno. "So what's new?"
"By a six foot turkey!" She shrieks, shaking out a pile of feathers.
"That was no turkey," says John. "These are chicken feathers. This is the work of the San Francisco Night Chicken."

I should point out that drugs were very prevalent in porn films back in the 70's.

Umm, so it turns out that John hired the girls as bait to try and capture the chicken man. Apparently, the Chicken Syndicate has been running SF for years, making it impossible for other fast-food establishments to flourish, and the Night Chicken is their enforcer. John figured the girls would draw the Night Chicken out in the open. And, after another couple rapes, the plan works. John and his sidekick Bob (director Chinn) corner the Night Chicken in an alley, and go in for the kill. Well, at least John does.
"I don't wanna get fucked by no chicken!" Says Bob, sensibly.
Drats. The Night Chicken gives 'em the slip.

Meanwhile, Anne falls in love with Inspector Blackie, and the two elope to Niagra Falls. Conveniently, the chicken-rapes end as soon as he leaves town.
Cue the Scooby Doo end-credits theme.

Pizza Girls skids to the finish line in 67 minutes, and that's with half a dozen fuck scenes smushed in. It's by-the-balls film-making, fast and loose and semi-retarded, but it retains a ragged, goofy charm, thanks mostly to Cousteau. Never mind her imposing, glamazonian figure - a fleshy riot of generous curves and pendulous pulchritude - the girl just oozes charm, from her adorable Dorothy Hamill bob to her lilting southern drawl and heart-melting smile. Desiree Cousteau is the kind of girl that makes you feel lucky to be living on the same planet as she does. She's like a rainbow. She's the porn Obama.

Also Holmes, to his credit, does an admirable job as the grumpy, coked-up asshole, but that was probably pretty close to the bone anyway.

In summation: Skateboarding chicks in hotpants. A giant, girl-raping chicken. An old lady asking for are large salami pizza. Anal sex. Horrible country-rock. What more could you ask for?

Pizza Girls is available on DVD from VCX.

PS: If somebody makes a Pizza Girls t-shirt, I will totally buy one.

Clip: Pizza Girls theme!

Hot N' Saucy Pizza Girls Theme Song - The best bloopers are a click away

- Ken McIntyre

Joysticks (1983)

AKA Video Madness
Directed by Greydon Clark
Starring Joe Don Baker, Leif Green, Jim Greenleaf, Corinne Bohrer
Rated R
USA

“I wish you would be like the other dads and stay home and barbeque.”

Ah, ye olde video arcade. The dizzying lights, the cacophony of bleeps and blips, the scent of denim and adolescent sweat, the gurgle and churn of raging teenage hormones. Arcades had existed for decades, of course – pinball was practically thee American pastime in the late 1970’s – but with the advent of the Pac Man machine in 1980, the entire country was swept up in video game mania. Video arcades replaced roller rinks, street corners, and massage parlors as the place to be for the young and the restless. I cannot impress upon younger readers enough just how real this so-called Pac Man Fever really was. It was nuts. It is surprising, then, that video arcades did not yield a bigger crop of teensploitation films. Aside from the tepid Hollywood Zap and minor appearances in a few others, Joysticks is really the only 80’s teen sex comedy that focuses exclusively on a video arcade. Luckily for us, it’s actually worth watching.


Eugene (Leif Green) is a classic uptight, four-eyed, sweater-vest sporting nerd who somehow scores a job at the video arcade. On his way to work the first day, he’s accosted at a red light by two hot girls who rub their tits in his face and steal his pants. I guess the idea is to take a picture of him with his pants down, although I’m not sure why. But anyway, it happens, and he has to arrive at work in his underwear. The first twenty or so minutes of Joysticks are mostly dedicated to humiliating Eugene, which is a bummer, because he seems like a nice guy. Fortunately, they just drop that shit completely once the plot kicks in. Not before he’s bashed around by the arcade’s manager, though. Jefferson Bailey (Scott McGinnis, who was the go-to douchebag back then) is the arcade owner’s grandson, a quick-tongued party boy who treats Eugene like a flunky and uses his status as king-of-tokens to bang video vixens.

Besides wiping down the games and mopping the floor, Eugene also has to run the concession stand. At one point, a hot dog slips out of his tongs and somehow ends up nestled between some aerobic chick’s breasts.

“Umm,” he stammers, “My weiner is stuck in your, uh…things.”
Etc.

The arcade is, of course, filled with eccentrics. There’s the fat sweaty dude, McDorfus (Jim Greenleaf), who happens to hold the high score on Pac Man. There’s Vidiot (John Gries, instantly recognizable as Uncle Rico from Napolean Dynamite), the boss of a punk rock gang (all girls, who do not talk, but rather make chirping robot sounds).

There’s also a Latino gang, who customize the racing games with pin stripes and velour. There’s the party girls, Lola (Playboy Playmate Kym Malin) and Alva (Kim Michel), always ready to get fuckin’ crazy. And then there’ s Patsy Rutter (Corinne Bohrer), a gum-snapping valley girl who loves the arcade, but nearly brings on its destruction when her asshole dad, local bigwig Joe Rutter (Joe Don Baker), tries to get the joint closed down.

So what’s Joe’s problem? He happens to waltz in there when Lola and Alva are playing video games topless. That scene, by the way, could be the greatest in teen sex com history. It manages to smush your average 80’s teenage boy’s two favorite things – Pac Man and tits – into one orgasmically awesome package.

Anyway, you can pretty much fill in the blanks from there. Joe hires some flunkies to steal the video games. They fail, and Jefferson throws a late-night pajama party. Eugene and McDorfus bust into Joe’s house (I’m sure there’s good reason, but I did not catch it), and Eugene ends up accidentally boning Joe’s wife. There are protests outside the arcade – one woman holds a sign that says “Nuke the arcade”, which seems extreme to me. Jefferson and Joe decide to hold a Pac Man competition. If Jeff wins, Joe fucks off. If Joe wins, the arcade closes. Joe, being an old bastard, gets Vidiot to play for him. Jefferson wants to play himself, but cannot, as revealed in a flashback, where he’s boning a hot blonde on the floor of the arcade. Her dad walks in and slaps her, naked, right in front of the Pac Man machine. So he’s traumatized. Eugene trains him, though, and so the showdown – with gigantic prop joysticks – begins.

There’s a good chance that no one under 35 will understand this movie or why it’s so beloved to cranky old fuckers like the authors of this book, but it is a powerful and cleansing wash of nostalgia that never fails to bring back weird and cheery memories of a teenage life wasted one quarter at a time. I don’t even know where teenagers hang out these days – as far as I know, they all stay in and play X Boxes 360s (or whatever the hip equivalent is when you’re reading this) – but back in the 80’s, the video arcade really was the main hangout for most teens.

Nothing quite as lively as topless gaming or punk rock riots occurred at my particular arcade (1001 Plays, later renamed America's Game, 1001 Mass Ave Cambridge, MA), but my friend Luke did find a bag of weed inside Spy Hunter once, and that one bald boxer came in and let us rub his head one afternoon. So that was fun. Joysticks, thusly, is a funhouse mirror of real teenage life in the 1980’s and will therefore continue to be a cult favorite until we are all dead.

Joysticks director Greydon Clark is an exploitation legend, a drive-in auteur who kicked off his career acting in Al Adamson biker-trash epics like Satan’s Sadists (1969) and Hell’s Bloody Devils 1970) and soon graduated to writing, producing and directing. Clark is responsible for the blaxploitation classic Black Shampoo (1976) and the amazing (and self-explanatory) Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977), among many others. His films are riots of color and noise, non-stop headbangers full of jiggly girls and sauntering anti-heroes, a neverland of polyester and pulchritude where the only thing that matters is getting your rocks off by any means necessary. He’s taken the last decade off to rest – you’d need it too, after thirty years of crazy motorcycles and street-fighting men – but his legend rolls on.

As for our team of vidiots and booby girls, Corinne Bohrer spent a decade in the teensploitation trenches (Zapped, Beach Girls, Surf II) before becoming a fixture on primetime TV. She spent the last few years as Veronica Mars’ mom and can usually be seen these days on commercials for stuff like soup and soap. She still has the amazing figure she did here, although it’s usually swaddled in sweaters and mom jeans these days. John Gries has become an incredibly prolific character actor, appearing in countless TV episodes and indie-flicks. Joe Don Baker is well-remembered for Walking Tall, but he’s been in nearly a hundred films and TV series, and is still going strong in his 70’s.

Kym Malin was in a fistful of Andy Sidaris’s bikinis, bullets and bombs flicks. Everybody else wandered off somewhere. Video arcades died a slow and protracted death in the early 1990’s, but now, thanks to the internet, you can play most of the games featured in Joysticks – including the awe-inspiring Satan’s Hollow – online. Not Space Dungeon, though. That shit was fake.

Availability: Joysticks is available on DVD.

Listen: The Joysticks theme!

Link: Greydon Clark's website

- Ken McIntyre

College (2008)

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