Space Thing (1968)

Directed by Byron Mabe
Starring Karla Conway, Cara Peters, Merci Montello, Fancher Fague
Unrated
USA

“This 'love' thing was getting out of hand.”

A Diane Lane-esque ginger beauty lays in bed next to her shlubby middle-aged hubby Jim (Steve Vincent), who's embroiled in his science fiction magazines. He loves 'em, can't get enough, spends most of his time thinking about  space travel and babbling about alternate dimensions. She's had enough of it, and tells him that if he doesn't pay her some attention, she's throwing all his goddamn sci-fi bullshit out. So he bangs her to shut her up. She's appreciative, but even as they bathe in the aferglow, he finds himself distracted by his outer space stuff.

Soon, he drifts off to sleep, dreaming about his life in another galaxy. Cue the Laugh-in-esque credits, scrawled in dayglo swirls on the bodacious bods of the the space girls.

In Jim's dream, he is a Captain Kirk-esque starship captain, the victim of a mutiny by “rapscallions” and set adrift in his “space canoe” to fend for himself. He spots an enemy ship and, bravely, steers himself into its orbit. Then he attempts to board.

Connie (pint-sized Playboy playmate Karla Conway), who is naked except for a constantly slipping towel,  lets him in. Through the front door. How else?  They are soon joined by Captain Mother (Cara Peters, another playmate), who, by her name and the looks of her ridiculous/bonerific outfit, is running this ship, and a chubby oaf named Willie (Dan Martin). On the voiceover, Jim talks about how repulsed he is by these disgusting creatures.  Damnit Jim,  have you gone space-mad? Anyways, he tells Capn' Mother that his ship was blown up, but he escaped using his supersonic sneakers. She tells him he can stay and do her grunt work. He tells her he's a Colonel back in Kansas, and therefore not required to do any heavy lifting. She laughs in his face.

Meanwhile Connie gets dressed. Sort of. I dunno if an outfit that skimpy counts as 'dressed'. Then she wakes up her roommate Portia (Merci Montello, playmate number 3), to let her know there's a handsome man on board. Portia doesn't like getting up without a good reason.

Jim wanders around the ship and finds a mirror. He is shocked when he sees what he looks like as a “Terranian”. So that's why he was freaked out by bare-assed Connie! Maybe he's usually a lizard?

Anyway, man-hungry Portia sidles up to him and tells him she's from Kansas, too. Then she makes out with him, but her jealous boyfriend Cadet (Stan Isfloride) shows up and knocks Jim the fuck out.

She runs to Captain Mother and tells her it was all Jim's fault. Capt Mother storms off to deal with him. Too-tan Astrid (the incredibly named Fancher Fague) rolls her eyes and calls Portia a liar, so they tussle a bit until Willie breaks it up. Don't you know the rules of girl-fighting, Willie? Nobody breaks up a, sexy girl fight!

To keep himself out of trouble, Jim pops invisibility pills, and then just skulks around the ship, watching all the amorous antics. Like when Portia and Cadet get it on while wearing silver boots that I'm pretty sure are covered in duct tape.

Or later on, when Portia and Captain Mother canoodle.

Willie sticks around to catch that one, too.

Things get a little weird when Captain mother pulls out a whip, but that's space love, baby.

Apparently there's a “no men” rule on the ship, and Portia's been breaking it all over the place.

And then an asteroid smashes into the ship! Which I think is a meatball pinging off a pie plate.

Luckily they all survive. Connie celebrates by seducing Jim while wearing what looks like a torn-up green curtain.

Then everybody sits down for dinner. Their futuristic space stools are very clearly garbage cans. They eat steak-flavored jelly beans. On the voiceover, Jim complains that he misses “juicy meats”. Then he storms off, sneaking into the control room to fiddle with some knobs. What are you up to, Jim from Kansas?

Turns out, Captain Mother is on a mission to Kansas to scoop up some 'specimens' for experimentation.  When Jim found this out, he figured the only solution was to alter the ship's course so that it would smash into an asteroid and kill them all, thereby sparing Kansas from an attack by hot chicks with space leotard wedgies. But Mother orders Willie to land on the nearest planet before they can crash. Thwarted!

The planet turns out to be pleasantly warm, so they lay down some blankets and mellow out. Captain Mother gets it on with Astrid, which is nice, because I was beginning to think she wasn't going to get naked like all the other girls. Whew.

But what about poor Willie? Doesn't he get to bang somebody? He runs into Connie, who's been running around in circles, topless, with Portia for the past ten minutes, and offers his services. She just shakes her head at him and wanders off. Sorry, Willie.

Meanwhile, Jim has sex with Portia while wearing shiny gold pants. “This is ridiculous,” he says. No kidding.

Captain Mother, determined to keep her ship strictly lesbianic, decides to have sex with Jim, just to prove...well, I'm not sure what it's supposed to prove. But she does it. And then she realizes that maybe men aren't so bad after all.

And then she gets back in her space ship and blows up the Earth. Or something like that. The end.

Directed by the same nutball that made the infamous She Freak, Space Thing is incredibly cheap and clunky and stupid. There's no getting around that. However, the film looks great (camerawork is credited to 'Sy Klops', who is most likely sludge-flick DP wizard Gary Graver), and the girls are hot and naked for pretty much the entire running time which, mercifully, is only 80 minutes. If I saw this when I was 14, I'd probably think it was the greatest film ever made. I sorta feel that way now. Boners will be popped!

Space Thing is available from Something Weird.

- Ken McIntyre

Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Directed by Carol Frank
Starring Angela O'Neil, Wendy Martel, Pamela Ross, Nicole Rio
Rated R 
USA

"Why's it dirty?"
"Because it's covered in dirt."

I knew I was going to watch this eventually. I'd see the VHS box all the time during my teenage video rental days, and I almost rented it a dozen times, but there was always some bullshit movie with a sleazier come-on to distract me. I made it all the way to age 43 before finally biting the bullet. That's good news for the 80's me, because he would have been pissed if he shelled out three bucks or whatever for this.

You can't fault teenage me or middle-aged me for being curious. I mean, the appeal is right there in the title: 'Sorority House' (i.e. hot chicks!)  'Massacre' (bloody mayhem!). And that's all it would take for a thumbs-up, really. Slasher fans are not hard to please. Sadly, SHM fails to deliver on even these basic elements.

The story, such as it is, involves one Beth (Angela O'Neil, who sports a Ralph Macchio haircut and mismatched checkered patterns) who arrives at a sorority house shortly after her aunt dies. It is unclear exactly why she's there; she's not a member of the sorority, yet she's close friends with all the girls. Also, it's some sort of holiday break, although I don't think they ever specify which one. But that only leaves three other sorority girls in the house. None of them are particularly attractive, and their clothes are awful, but not in the OH MY GOD THOSE CLOTHES ARE AWFUL sort of way, just regular, boring awful. Anyway, as soon as she gets there, Beth starts having terrible dreams about weird children and a knife-wielding stalker. Meanwhile, at ye olde mental asylum, the guy from her dreams is busting out to wreak some havoc. Guess where he's going?

While we wait for the killer to show up, there's some (very) light college-kid antics, including a musical montage where the girls try on some of their rich roommate's clothes.

This allows us a quick peep at some boobies. Did we want to see them? Not really. Will we complain? We will not. But they don't make up for all the tedium before and after.

Sorority House Massacre is only 74 minutes long - and that's with credits - and the killer still doesn't walk into the house until the 55 minute mark. How do I know? Because I was literally counting the minutes until it was over.

It becomes very clear early on that Beth is the killer's sister, and that he murdered the rest of their family years ago and is now coming back for her. It is also clear that the sorority house is her old house where the massacre happened, only she can't remember it until she is once again hiding in the basement from her brother. So there's no whodunit component at all. Basically it's a little Alone in the Dark and a lot of Halloween mashed together by the hapless, hopeless Carol Frank, a one-time director who Roger Corman probably hired for the gig because he wanted to continue the 'feminist slasher' movement he started (and ended) with the Slumber Party Massacre series.

During the finale, the synthesizer score suddenly throws some oboe into the mix. That I was not expecting. The oboe was the highlight for me. In fact, that is probably the only way I'm ever going to remember this movie. 'Oh, Sorority House Massacre? Isn't that the one with the oboe?'

If you like oboes, by all means, check it out. If you like fun, go someplace else.

- Ken McIntyre  

Bionic Woman (1976)

Bionic Woman Season 1 Episode 6: Bionic Beauty
Directed by Alan Crosland, Jr. 
Starring Lindsay Wagner, Richard Anderson, Bert Parks 

Jaime Somers (Lindsay Wagner) was a tennis star who got in a skydiving accident and so they decided to make her bionic.  And then, since they paid so much to make her bionic (probably not as much as the Six Million Dollar man, maybe $80,000, something like this), they forced her to become a superspy to pay off the debt. I think that's how it worked. Anyway, the Bionic Woman started out on the Six Million Dollar Man, but in 1976, she got her own series. It ran for three seasons, from 1976 to 1978. It was a staple for all 70's kids, really, although it was never as popular as the Six Million Dollar Man. Probably  because Jaime never fought Bigfoot, like Steve Austin did. Anyway, in the first season, Jaime was always pining after Steve, and there were a few crossovers episodes. She was also still coming to terms with her newfound strength, so she broke stuff a lot. There was a basic formula that the show followed pretty religiously: Jaime goes undercover somewhere, the gig requires some goofy or sexy outfit, and she solves some very simple,  cartoony crime. And along the way, she breaks stuff.

At the beginning of the show, Jaime is puttering around at home, bringing a tree stump upstairs to karate chop into firewood, when her boss Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) shows up and starts buttering her up about what a beauty she is. Uh oh, sounds like a new assignment is afoot!

So Oscar gets a weird note from an agent about Miss Florida winning the Miss USA pageant. Just a hunch, but Oscar thinks there's trouble brewing. The only way to crack the case, naturally, is for Jaime to pose as Miss California and infiltrate the pageant. Make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to Jaime, though. Why not just call the agent and ask him what the fuck he's talking about?

Because he's fuckin' dead, Jaime. That's why.

Now we've got a story! Roll credits! By the way, I am disappointed with the Bionic Woman theme. I feel they could have worked harder on it.

So Jaime's at the hotel unpacking, rapping with her chaperone, Helen - is it her mom? Her aunt? Anyway, it's stuffy, so she opens the window, but she does it with such force, it shatters! Comic relief.

Later on Ray Raymond (Bert Parks, AKA the real Miss USA host!) does a little speech about their schedules and tells them all they have to pair off into little groups. Guess who's in Jaime's group? That's right, Miss Florida (Cassie Yates, who looks a lot like Lara Flynn Boyle)! And she's super mean.

Miss Florida walks away with Ray Raymond and Jaime listens in on them with her bionic ear. They've got some deal going. She'll win if she does what Ray wants. But what does Ray want? Even she doesn't know!

Now it's time for the talent portion of the show. One of the girls twirls a baton that's on fire. She's never twirled one on fire before. Seems like you'd practice a few times before the show.

Anyway, while that's going on, Jaime calls Oscar and ask if the Six Million Dollar man has been asking about her. C'mon Jaime, be professional.

And then Jaime sings Feelings! THE WHOLE SONG.

After her performance, the stage manager talks to Ray Raymond about how he saw Jaime making a phone call. Ray's not worried, though. Or is he?

He sort of is.

That night, Jaime jumps out the window and follows Ray around. He gets into a car with a satan-bearded guy and they talk about the plan. He's going to pass Miss Florida a package and after he declares her the winner, she'll take it with her on her private jet to Paris, where she'll hand it off to some other dude. The perfect crime! Except...nobody counted on Jaime's bionic ear picking up the whole sinister plan!

Here's the problem, though. It's bed check time, and Jaime's still out skulking around. She tries to make it back unnoticed, pretending she was in the shower the whole time, but vindictive Miss Florida gets her busted and Miss Belding grounds her.

Jaime tries to send Helen out to tell Oscar what's going on,  but she fucks it up and ends up confined to the room as well. But even with her bumbling, Helen helps Jaime figure out what's going on. Miss Florida is going to bring some stolen microchip or whatever, some spy gizmo, to an agent in Paris. Jaime gets so excited when she figures it out she smashes a table!

Finally, we get to the bathing suit portion of the pageant. It's pretty good. Jaime figures she's not going to get picked, so she can slink away and call Oscar, but then there's an upset, and she makes the finals!

By the way, during these scenes, they cut away to the audience and it's an audience from 1956.

After she puts on her evening gown for the final portion of the pageant, Jaime wanders around backstage picking up more bits of information. But the stage manager finds her and chloroforms her! Then he and Ray drag her downstairs and tell Miss Belding she's all drugged out.

So then they dump her on a couch and shoot her full of knockout juice and leave her there. Then Ray announces that she's sick, and won't be in the pageant. Oscar hears the announcement and rushes over there. Meanwhile, Jaime wakes up and starts bashing in doors like it's nobody's business. She's got to let Oscar know what's up, but how?

Well, she walks right onto the stage and stupid fucking Ray gives her a microphone. That's how! Jaimie blurts out the whole plan to millions of people!

The pageant continues. Oscar's rushing to the scene. The stage manager hands Ray a gun, presumably to kill everybody, if that's what it takes. Miss Florida and Miss California are the last two finalists. What happens next?

Well, cracking under the pressure, Ray pulls out the gun and shoots himself, right there on stage.

No, that's not what happens. Jaime gets crowned Miss California and Ray whispers to her not to make any sudden moves or they'll snuff Helen. And then they all head to the parking garage where Jaime fights a car in slow motion. And then Oscar shows up, and the bad guys are busted.

But hey, where was the goddamn microchip?

Turns out it was in Miss Florida's vagina the whole time.

No, really it was in Miss USA's scepter or magic wand, whatever it's called.

And then, we all laugh.

The end!

I have not seen this show since 1976, when I was seven years old. At the time, I remember being mostly unimpressed. I think this is because I did not find Miss Wagner attractive. I was more of Lynda Carter guy at age 7. I still am, really, but now I can also appreciate Lyndsay's beauty. So, it's got that going for it. Also, the special effects are terrible. Sub-Incredible Hulk, even. And I like that. I like how stupid the plot is, and how much mugging the supporting cast does. I've watched this episode three times this week, and I enjoyed it more each time. I cannot sit here and tell you that the Bionic Woman is a good show, because it is not. But I can tell you that it's really fun and goofy, and it's about as 70's as anything I've ever seen. Two bionic thumbs up!

- Ken McIntyre

Lucky (2011)

Directed by Gil Cates, Jr. 
Starring Ari Graynor, Colin Hanks
Rated R
USA

"It smells like dead bodies in here, but you'll get used to it pretty quick." 

Ben (Colin Hanks, AKA Tom's good son) is a quiet, nebbishy nobody working in a law firm alongside his childhood friend and lifelong crush,  Lucy (Ari Graynor, Nick and Norah, Whip It), who routinely rebuffs his romantic advances, and who happens to be sleeping with the office stud/asshole. Ben still lives with his mother (Ann-Margret), and he can't even figure out how to use the xerox machine. Ben's having a bad life. That is, until one day when mom calls him at work and tells him to come home right away. He does, assuming there's some medical emergency to attend to, but when he get there, he finds out he's just hit the lottery, for $36 million dollars! Very soon after, Lucy rethinks her feelings toward Ben. What a turnaround! Now Ben's rich, and he's got the girl of his dreams! What could possibly go wrong?

Well, there's a slight problem. As it turns out, Ben is a serial killer. He's got a bunch of dead girls stuffed in a freezer in his mom's basement. In fact, the winning lottery ticket actually belonged to one of his victims.

But hey, that's a situation for another day. Charmed by his suddenly-bulging pockets, Lucy agrees to marry Ben. After a lavish wedding and lots of equally lavish spending sprees, the two head off to Hawaii for their honeymoon. Midway through the trip, after arguing with Lucy about money (he's blowing it too quickly), Ben chances upon a pretty blonde hotel housekeeper and bashes her skull in. You know, to let off some steam. Lucy happens to catch him the act, although he doesn't know she's there. As soon as the coast is clear, Lucy calls the cops and gets him arrested. The end.

No, she doesn't. She rolls the body into a sheet and throws it into a volcano. 36 millions bucks is 36 million bucks, man.

The couple return from their trip and move into their new palatial state. Lucy tries her best to just enjoy being filthy rich and not dwell on the whole cold-blooded murder thing. But one evening, while in the throes of sweet (fully-clothed) lovemaking, Lucy catches a police report about three missing women in their neighborhood, and comes to the startling conclusion that they - and the woman at the hotel - all look a lot like her. Is Ben serial-killing Lucy surrogates every chance he gets? Yep. Probably currently assuming that her homicidal maniac husband is also an idiot, Lucy heads over to mom's house and digs around in the backyard until she finds the dead bodies. Then she digs them up and puts them in her car to find a safer place to stash them.

That's around the time when her mind pretty much snaps. It is also around this time when Columbo-esque detective Harold Wayman (Jeffrey Tambor) starts putting the pieces of this bizarre puzzle together.

Things get weird from there, as they often do in these sorts of circumstances.

So, here's the thing: Gaynor and Hanks are so effortlessly likeable that you never buy into this  murder business for minute. You're really just thinking how awesome it would be to have a sleepover in a treehouse with them. I mean, they could be doing just about anything, and you'd have fun watching them. So ok, killing people, whatever. Good times.

- Ken McIntyre