Women's Prison Massacre (1983)

Directed by Bruno Mattei
Starring Laura Gemser, Gabriele Tinti
Unrated
Italy

I’d like to bite you nipples off! And I’ll do it!

The Women-In-Prison genre has a shopping list: sexy inmates, hair-pulling catfights, group showers, butch wardens, lesbians, daring escapes, brutal beat-downs, and wall-to-wall nudity. These are the classic WIP ingredients, and if a film can tick all the boxes, it’s a success.

However, Women’s Prison Massacre (aka Hell In a Women’s Prison) exuberantly overloads the sleaze-o-meter, delivering not only the bare-naked essentials, but a thrilling excess of indecency and slaughter. The film is directed by prolific sleaze-meister Bruno Mattei, the Italian Ed Wood. While only occasionally competent as a filmmaker, Mattei rallied whatever talent he possessed and made WPM a terrifically entertaining flick.

Laura Gemser plays Emmanuelle, the frisky photojournalist popularized in the long-running “Black Emmanuelle” sexploitation series. Emmanuelle’s is in the clink on a bogus charge, after uncovering the DA’s secret corruption. At her side are shapely sidekicks Laura (Maria Romano) and Irene (Antonella Giacomini). During the opening credits, the three perform some experimental theater, each brazenly introduces her character to the camera, before being upstaged by Albina (Ursula Flores), a vicious and awesomely-named albino.

After a riot erupts in the auditorium, the warden (a frumpy but still attractive Lorraine de Selle), harshly chews out our heroine: “I won’t ask you to give me an explanation for this filthy rubbish…It deals solely in cruelty. It’s packed with violence and sex. The whole thing seems designed to disturb, to provoke unrest, rebellion and escape.” Apparently she knows what kind of movie she’s acting in.

With her bugging-out eyes and cheese-grater voice, Albina is a formidable (albeit ridiculous) jail yard bully, and a stooly for the warden. When she spies the luscious Laura and Irene getting friendly in the washroom, she rats them out. The two are both half-drowned in the sink as punishment.

Emmanuelle is continually harassed by the sadistic bull-dyke guards, tussles with Albina in the washroom, the gets jumped by the knife-wielding she-freak in the prison yard. It doesn’t go well for Albina.

As if Emmanuelle didn’t have enough problems, a turd is about to splash into the proverbial punch bowl. By turd, I mean a quartet of multi-ethnic psychopaths. We have Irish rapist O’hara (Rober Mura), half-Indian Geronimo (Raul Cabrera), razor-carrying Aryan “Blade” Bauer (Pierangelo Pozzato), and their leader, Crazy Boy Henderson (the prolific Gabriele Tinti, Gemser’s husband and frequent co-star). These murderous scumbags are en route to the electric chair, but apparently Old Sparky’s getting reupholstered, so the gang is shipped to the women’s prison to await their doom. They are chaperoned by three cops, but a gangster ambush decreases that number by two. Still, straight-shooting lawman Harrison (Carlo de Mejo, House By the Cemetery) delivers them the prison.

Faster than you can say “what-could-possibly-go-wrong,” Blade slices a guard’s throat, and Crazy Boy wounds Harrison with a rifle. Now equipped with guns and hostages, they start bargaining with the police outside the prison; they want a car, five-million bucks, and a private jet out of the country. While the helpless cops scurry to meet these requests, the four bastards are now lords of the prison.

With hundreds of frisky caged babes at their disposal (most of them off-screen due to budgetary constraints), the fearsome foursome go on the prowl. 

O’hara molests the warden at gunpoint (“Good piece of ass, the warden, hot and horny.”). 

Overcome with vanilla fever, Geronimo sates himself with ever-calculating Albina.  

Blade swings his thing around the cellblock, until some penis-hungry vixens grope him to climax. 

Crazy Boy, ever the gentleman, rapes Emmanuelle against a wall, as the helpless Harrison watches.

(Fun fact, Gemser and Tinti were real-life spouses. Awww…)

After that carousel of carnality, our villains’ luck starts to change. I won’t spoil the gory details, but it involves a failed SWAT raid, a crappy escape vehicle, and one of the most gruesome Russian Roulette games ever filmed. Also, in a flinch-worthy precursor to Teeth, Blade finds his lost razor hidden in a very unexpected place.

After all this blood flinging, the film’s “climax” is a boner-shriveling disappointment. I won’t ruin it, but this is hardly the revenge set piece viewers will be itching for. A serious missed opportunity. Still, Women’s Prison Massacre is a terrific journey, even if the destination is crappy.

For a cheap-and-dirty exploitation flick, WPM has a lot going for it. Director Mattei recycled both the set and the cast from his earlier film Violence In A Women’s Prison. The cast is pure dynamite. Our four villains have great group chemistry, but hyperactive Pierangelo Pozzato steals every scene as Blade Bauer. With his idiot mugging, bizarre noises, and razor-slicing antics, the wacky white supremacist is the film’s clown, and is rewarded with an unforgettable  centerpiece death. Also, Ursula Flores is hilarious as the seething powder-sugar-white Albina.

The three female leads (Gemser, Romano, and Giacomini) are all stunning. Gemser is as lean and elegant as ever, slinky and feline, alternately radiating erotic warmth and cold disdain. Sadly, we never get a proper eyeful of her toned and limber physique. Not all is lost on the nudity front, however. Laura and Irene both get considerable skin-time. As much as I admire Gemser’s exotic beauty, Miss Romano takes the cake: fleshy thighs, cute round boobies, and a scraggly ‘80s bush you could get lost in. She looks like a curvier, sultrier Jessica Harper

Women’s Prison Massacre couldn’t be farther from the light-hearted sexiness of other “Black Emmanuelle” entries. Even at their grimmest, those films had a tone of joyous adventure, as wide-eyed Emmanuelle shagged her way across the globe. WPM is mean-spirited film, with a body count far exceeding the orgasm tally.

Still, if you’re seeking a carefree jiggle-fest, a film titled Women’s Prison Massacre probably won’t look promising. That title promises sex, humiliation, and murder, and boy-oh-boy does it deliver. There’s no reason a mature, well-adjusted individual should watch this film, but if you dig the WIP genre (Lord knows I do) this will be your holy grail. Dig in, sleazoid!

-Paulo Phibes

Blood Mania (1970)

Directed By Robert Vincent O'Neill
Starring Peter Carpenter, Maria De Aragon, and Vicki Peters
Rated R
USA

"Didn't you know? I'm listed in the yellow pages under sex."

Wealthy Mr. Ridgeley Waterman (Eric Allison) is in a dark place. He is sick in bed, maybe dying. And his nymphomaniac daughter Victoria (Maria De Aragon) keeps chasing his nurse off, insisting that she take care of him instead. Oh yeah, the only reason she is even hanging around is because she is after his money, every last cent of it. So when she finally manages to appear with breakfast, he is cranky, and very, very, suspicious.

Meanwhile, Mr. Watermans' physician, Dr. Craig Cooper (Peter Carpenter, who also has a writing credit) has problems of his own. He enjoys a good relationship with his girlfriend Cheryl (Reagan Wilson), but is also being blackmailed for fifty-thousand dollars, (What did he do? Abortions to pay for college.) and could potentially lose his practice. He also has to deal with Victoria eye fucking him whenever he visits her dad. Finally he surrenders to her charms. And when Craig confesses his financial dilemma to Victoria during a post-coital snuggle, she claims to have the solution to his problems, all he has to do is be hers. The solution? Hint: It involves Mr. Waterman being dead.

Cheryl also gets wind of the blackmail scheme, and offers her body to the blackmailer in exchange for clearing the slate for Craig. He agrees, and subjects her to some pretty rough sex, and then promptly reneges on his promise. Meanwhile Craig is out boning Victoria. And when her father dies (murdered), he covers for her. Soon enough, Mr. Waterman's last will and testament is to be read. And Victoria is all geared up to collect. Except there is a catch, the lawyers have to get into touch with Victoria's long absent sister, Gail (Vicki Peters). Of course Gail inherits pretty much everything. Victoria has another target to wipe out. Dr. Craig falls for Gail, and the plot thickens.

Maria De Aragon performs a fantastic job as the mentally unstable Victoria. Her character insatiably lusts for both men and money, but she manages to keep it upper crust all the way. Also keep an eye out for her in Star Wars: A New Hope. She is under all of that Greedo makeup.

Reagan Wilson is also a highlight. She is nothing less than beautiful, and not shy at all about letting us get a good look at her. She only has a few scenes in the movie. And her role is not crucial to the story by any means. However she is a joy to watch. She does a very good job of conveying the vulnerability of her character, and her presence elevates the film.

Despite its exploitation film status, Blood Mania is a tasteful little thriller. It has fleeting nudity, and the violence is nowhere near as intense as the poster suggests. Some of the camera angles are inventive, but they don't get too crazy. In fact, most of the film is comprised of medium angle shots, giving it the vibe of a tv movie. That said, despite its lurid title, Blood Mania keeps it classy, and I recommend you check it out.

Availability: Blood Mania is available on DVD from Amazon.

-BoDuley

Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

Directed by Harry Elfont, Deborah Kaplan
Starring Rachel Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson, Tara Reid
PG-13
USA 

"If I could go back in time, I'd want to meet Snoopy."

Josie and the Pussycats was a short-lived but much-loved early 70's cartoon about an interracial all-girl band and their misadventures in life, love, and rock n' roll, with a bonus smattering of Scooby Doo-styled sleuthing. Josie and her pussycats originally appeared in Archie comics in the late 60's After the runaway success of the 1968 Archie cartoon show, the inevitable spinoffs - including Sabrina the Teenage Witch and the Groovie Goolies - began hitting the airwaves in rapid succession. Josie and the gang made their debut in the 1970-71 television season, and then spent the next couple years in space. There were only 32 episodes in total, but both Pussycats series were rerun throughout the 70's, insuring the cartoon's legacy for decades afterwards. The show held appeal for both sexes - boys, naturally, loved seeing cute girls in skimpy outfits. And for girls, Josie and the Pussycats was one of the surprisingly few cartoons of the era that featured strong, intelligent women in leading roles. And of course, everyone loves a sweet pop tune and a spooky adventure.

Writer-directors Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan wrote the screenplays for both A Very Brady Sequel and The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas, two films that mined kid's shows from the same era and put a modern, satirical twist on their mythologies, so they were clearly the go-to team to bring Josie and the gang into the modern era. Sadly, said era was a low-point in American culture, so the girls landed headfirst in the world of boy-bands, relentless self-referencing, and the waning days of the music video era. But even hobbled by the general goofiness of the era, their tale of friendship, girl-power, and bubblegum pop is still as appealing as ever.

The film with boyband Dujour (Seth Green and two of the dudes from Clueless are in the band) performing their hit "Backdoor Lover" on the tarmac for a legion of screaming teen fans before hopping on their Target-sponsored airplane before zooming off on tour. Things are going swimmingly until they notice a weird backing track on a mix of one of their latest tracks. They bring this odd situation up to their manager, Wyatt (Alan Cumming), who promptly parachutes out of the plane - with the pilot - causing the band to die in a fiery crash on the outskirts of Riverdale. Roll credits!

When we meet the Pussycats, they're playing to nobody at a bowling alley. After collecting their twenty dollar paycheck - minus 12 bucks for shoe rentals - they pack up, getting harassed by the local mean girls on their way out.

If that's not bad enough, Josie's love live isn't working out too well, either. Her crush, Alan M drops by, but all we wants is for her to fix his car, and even when it seems like he's finally going to admit that he likes her too, he just ends up ranting about a coworker with hygiene issues.

Later on that day, their manager Alex (Paolo Costanzo) and his meddling sister Alexandra (the always great Missi Pyle) shows up, but he's more interested in seeing Dujour and confusing Melody ("I can't be two places at once." "But imagine if you could? I could be here, and in there, and over there...") than helping out the Pussycats.

After dinner they watch MTV, where they find out about Dujour's disappearance. They see this as a sign to go to the mall to play a gig, unplugged style. Wyatt's over there, playing Dujour's newest tune, which is filled with subliminal messages. This naturally causes everybody to go into a consumerist frenzy, except for one indie rocker chick, who is thrown into a van and kidnapped.  Meanwhile, security chases the Pussycats out of the mall, where they run into Wyatt, who decides to sign them on the spot. Makes sense, they are pretty cute.

The Pussycats are somewhat concerned that Wyatt wants to sign them without actually hearing them, but what they hell, they go for it. They get whisked off to New York where they get a makeover and a billboard and limo. The girls are a little put-off that Wyatt changed their name to Josie and the Pussycats, but he's pretty convincing. I mean, every great band has an "and" in it, right?

Fiona (Parker Posey) is Wyatt's boss. When we meet her, she's taking a bunch of foreign dignitaries on a tour of the record label's facilities. Only, it's not really a record label, it's a massive underground bunker where they use the Megasound 8000 to not only autotune bands, but to implant subliminal messages on their music. That's why we buy stuff!

Meanwhile, the Pussycats record their first record!

And make some videos! And become famous!

Fiona plans a big stadium concert where she plans to debut new cat-shaped headphones that will turn the kids into mindless consumerist drones!

But first, they have a fabulous party. During the soiree, Fiona invites them to her special girls-only all-pink room, where she offers them Twinkies and starts lisping, for some reason. Could it be that hard-as-nails Fiona has a dark secret to hide?

Clearly, there's some high weirdness afoot. Wyatt sends Valerie and Melody off to TRL and forces Josie to work on the new single. He even lies to her and tells her that Alan M cancelled his big dive-bar gig. So that's not cool. Also, its not even the real TRL, Wyatt just set the girls up to get murdered by Carson Daly.

Luckily, they escape and head over to warn Josie about what happened. Unfortunately, listening to the new single has brainwashed Josie into turning into an egotistical diva and the band breaks up!

So things are sad for awhile, but then Josie starts to suspect something's wrong, so she get Alex and Alexandra to help her break into the studio and she discovers the hidden subliminal track!

She tries to go to the cops, but Fiona catches her and threatens to blow up Valerie and Melody unless she plays the big show!  She apologizes to the girls for her terrible behavior and agrees to play.  Or does she?

Maybe. But first, there's a sweet girl fight!

And then, an important lesson! And then, a happy ending! For everybody, even the bad guys!

Obviously, when they wrote Josie and the Pussycats at the beginning of the last decade, Elfont and Kaplan didn't know the music industry was about to implode, rendering their scathing cautionary tale about consumer manipulation via force-fed youth culture curious and quaint in just a couple of years, but that's exactly what happened. So did the death of irony, which is why all the satirical product placement just looks like matter-of-fact product placement at this point. And casting future nobody Carson Daly as the surprise celebrity cameo - well, even in 2001, that should have seemed like a bad idea. Those are just byproducts of an unfortunate era, though. In every other aspect, Josie and the Pussycats is a relentless joygasm.

The Pussycats themselves are adorable - Leigh Cook couldn't be prettier, Tara Reid is hilarious and endearing as the clueless, eternally optimistic Melody, and Rosario brings the right amount of gravity - and an impressively gravity-defying rack - to the story. The music - by a mostly uncredited Letters to Cleo, is fantastic, Parker Posey - and her whacked-out, Muppety outfits - is amazing, and the whole film is just stuffed, head to toe, with eye-candy. If you are a fan of pretty girls, awesome jams, disposable pop culture and/or gratuitous Parker Posey - and who among us isn't? - then I highly recommend you grab a big bite of this groovy, sugar-sweetened cinematic confection.



- Ken McIntyre

Olga's House of Shame (1964)

Directed By Joseph P. Mawra
Starring Audrey Campbell, Alice Davis, W.B. Parker, Ella Daphne
Unrated
USA

 "She had charm alright, and in the right places."

Olga's House of Shame is an early BDS&M roughie that is the second of five Olga films. The film is unrated however after about forty minutes the bras come off. It could easily pass as an R-rated film today. Producer George Weiss also gets story credit. His biggest claim to fame is that he produced Ed Wood Jr's,  gender bending opus, "Glen or Glenda?".

   There are no gender bending hijinks in Olga's House of Shame, however. Filmed in black in white entirely on location in the back offices of a real abandoned coal mine, the flick embraces the utilitarian nature of these no budget, turn a fast buck affairs. It also  features enough beating, flogging, cutting, electrocuting,  nylons, belly dancing, girl on girl lovin', and bosoms to have satisfied just about all of grandpa's needs back in the day.

   The flick starts innocently enough as a car drives up a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, deep in the backwoods. But once the car stops the action begins as an obviously  distraught woman flees, but is subdued and smacked around by the driver of the car, a man that is revealed through narration as Nick (W.B. Parker), Olga's brother. Nick has contacts in a jewel smuggling operation that spans "an entire continent".

   This is but a third leg in Olga's triple threat enterprise that also includes  prostitution, and narcotics. Nick delivers the bound woman to Olga (Audrey Campbell), and she is informed that jewels are missing from the shipment. Faced with taking the blame out on her brother and senior business partner, or a lowly jewel courier, the choice is obvious. And we soon get down to the first beating of the film. A scant five minutes into the runtime, Elaine (Judy Young) the courier is bound, gagged, and slapped around.

   Throughout the film Olga manages her business, fields new hires, entertains  business associates, and manages to enjoy some "me" time in the process. But it can't all be fun and games for the sadistic entrepreneur.  As the story progresses it becomes clearer and clearer that someone in her ranks is not  being entirely loyal. And for Olga the best way to sniff out a rat is to punish,  beat, strip, and whip.

   Olga's House of Shame takes a long time to hit its stride. But much like the  public domain classical music that plays throughout the film, it does manage to reach a crescendo. As I mentioned earlier it takes about forty minutes for the bras to drop, and once they do, there is no stopping this runaway train of whips, double-crosses, horseplay, and lesbian antics till the 69 (!) minute run time is reached.

   To say the film uses narration as a crutch is an understatement. The plot is pretty straightforward and barebones. However somehow the narrator manages to drone on and on, the tone alternating between industrial film, public service announcements, and traditional film narration. And between these marathon spouts of boring  nonsense, plays the abovementioned classical notes. Actual dialogue is pretty sparse and only gains steam in the second half of the flick.

   But the draw for the Olsa franchise are the beauties, the bosoms, and the  beatings. And in that, this film does not disappoint. Unlike a lot of the other sexploitation films of the era, the women in Olga's House of Shame are actually attractive. Including the actress Brenda Denaut, who just so happens to be the late mother of the Arquette siblings. There is plenty of dancing, hip thrusting, and bosom heaving to make up for the myriad imperfections, and  the uninteresting setting of the film.

   Olga's House of Shame is well worth sitting through. It has an unsophisticated backwoods charm that is comforting in a way. And it doesn't take long for you to begin to root for the mistress. When Olga sneers, and begins administering punishment, it is with such a wink in her eye you will find yourself winking right back at her. Check it out.

Availability: Olga's House of Shame is out of print on DVD. However, it can be had (for a price) as part of an Olga triple feature at Amazon.

-BoDuley

Girls Bravo (2004-2005)

Directed by Ei Aoki

Starring Yuri Lowenthal, Michelle Ruff, Stephanie Sheh, Liam O'Brian

Unrated

Japan

"Thank you very much for showing me all of these bathrooms, but if you don't mind, could you maybe carry me back to where Yukinari is waiting for me?"

I don't know about you, but I have spent an exorbitant amount of time in my life feeling as though I may be allergic to the opposite sex. Not all of them, mind you, but certainly a fair percentage of the populace of femininity. I get nervous around them, I don't know what to say, I sweat profusely, I experience horrible stomach cramps which lead to embarrassing public diarrhea - you know, typical stuff. For 2nd year high school student, Yukinari Sasaki, allergic reaction to females is a literal reality.

As far back as he can remember, Yukinari has been tormented and bullied by girls for his particularly diminutive stature. At first, the teasing had only a painful emotional effect on his fragile self-esteem, but as time wore on and wounds could no longer hide invisibly in Yukinari's shattered soul, his body reacted in the only way it knew how: By giving him hives.

Yes, as everything in life seems to go, things just got worse for poor Yukinari. Not only was he the target of nearly every female's sinister side, he also now had to bear the scars of his misery for the whole world to see. Sounds like the biography of my teen years.

One day after another school day filled with torment and itchy skin, Yukinari comes home to find his busty neighbor and fellow schoolmate Kiri Kojima nude in his bathroom. Being a typical girl in an anime, when she notices that Yukinari is catching an eyeful (albeit on accident), Kiri gets a running start and knees him in the face.

Yukinari flys backwards and falls into the bathtub behind him. Instead of splashing about wildly and begging for mercy as he'd usually do, he somehow vanishes - descending into a magical abyss of water.

When Yukinari finally sinks to the bottom of the now fathoms deep bath water, he finds himself in a large shallow pool; a pink-haired young beauty with three red dots on her forehead staring inquisitively at him.

This young lady, we learn, is named Miharu and she is an inhabitant of a planet outside of Earth's solar system called Seiren. Frightened by her knowledge of who he is (she can see into his world through her bath water) and her extremely touchy nature, Yukinari quickly finds out that he is not plagued by his allergy when touched by Miharu.

Yukinari finds out that he is now on this planet called Seiren and, to make things worse for his condition, men are an ultra-rare (only 7% of the population) commodity on this fine planet. When the town learns that a man is in town, they all make with the courting and hunt him down like a wild animal.

Miharu fiercely protects Yukinari from the hoard of hyserically horny homegirls - including her very own sister - and in the process learns of her sweet ability to blow shit up when she's upset.

Upon their escape from the masses, Yukinari and Miharu go back to Miharu's bathhouse and by some magical mystery event are both transported back to Yukinari's bathroom. Understandably, Kiri is relieved that her friend isn't dead, but she's also not exactly thrilled that he returned with a naked girl in tow.

Now Miharu is stuck on Earth without a clue as how to return to Seiren, has to learn how to fit into Earth's society structure, and must also continuously deflect the slimy advances of classmate and sly pervert Kazuharu Fukuyama.

Funimation does a great job with this complete 24 episode set. The transfer is nice, the box set presentation is superior, and although the subtitles are a bit hard to see, the top-notch English dub makes a great alternative.

If you like your anime on the harem/absurd comedy tip, Girls Bravo is some of the best out there. It's really funny, charmingly weird, and addictively entertaining. I highly recommend Girls Bravo and am already looking forward to watching the series again - starting with the hilarious and completely inappropriate clip below.

- Jeremy Vaca