Teenage Gang Debs (1966)

Directed by Sande Johnson

Starring Diane Conti, Joey Naudic, John Batis

Unrated

USA

"Nuts to you, buster!" 

Sande Johnson - also known, every so often, as Sam Stunning - was a low-rent smut-peddler who was in out of the business in less than a decade. Still, he made quite a splash in the seamy world of regional sexploitation, helming one of the more obscure Blood Feast rip-offs (The Beautiful, Bloody and the Bare, 1964), acting in several mid 60's nudie-flicks (Hot Nights on Campus, 1966; Nudes on Tiger Reef, 1965), and working in various capacities on the infamous "Olga" roughies. And then the cat split, man. Before he moved on to greener pastures (or died, whatever), however, he made one seminal slice of anachronistic rock n' roll bullshit, the ambitious and frequently amazing Teenage Gang Debs. Basically a particularly over-the-top Shangri-Las tune brought to cinematic life, Gang Debs exposes the seamy underworld of violent New York street gangs, and the scheming gangster molls who sometimes bewitch them. 

One of the interesting anomalies about Teenage Gang Debs is, despite being made at the dawn of the psychedelic era, it gives no hint that the Beatles ever happened or that the Summer of Love was a few months away. The world presented in Gang Debs is straight out of the Beatnik era, full of hipster slang, bongo jazz, and the kind of overwrought juvenile delinquent melodrama that already seemed square in 1956. This is partially because of the high-contrast black and white photography, but even so, it sometimes seems like a period piece, like an episode of Sha Na Na  with better dialogue and more street fights. 

There's an opening scene that sets the mood. It's the mean streets of Brooklyn, circa 1966 by way of 1955. Rosie-the-hooker agrees to hook up with Eddie, but before they get down to business, his buddies show up. They slap her and beat with her a belt to the sound of a jazzy bongo beats. 

Then Terry (Diane Conti) shows up in town - Terry from Manhattan, who used to run with the Falcons - and ingratiates herself with Johnny, leader of the Brooklyn rebels. This does not sit well with the other Debs, but what can they do? She's from the big city, man! 

Then there's a dance party! I guess 60's street gangs were into dancing. Before we get there, though, we witness Terry at home, yelling at her parents while smoking at the dinner table. Clearly, Terry is a bad, bad girl. 

The other gang Debs are already plotting Terry's downfall when she shows up at the party with Johnny. So naturally, she has to rumble with his old girlfriend, Angel.

Terry wins, so Angel has to hit the bricks. That's the way of the Rebels, daddy-o! 

Terry and Johnny make brutal mid-60s love in Johnny's trophy room, which includes an awesome hand-written "Rebels Forever" sign and a pair of scissors he once took from a rival gang. Johnny insists she get his 'mark' on her via cigarette or knife, but she stalls. 

Then she puts the moves on Nino. What a schemer! She tells him she's dumping Johnny because she doesn't want to get his stupid tattoo and suggests Nino tell him what's up. And then she makes out with Nino. How can he resist? Terry hands Nino a switchblade, and then the two dudes rumble! And Nino wins! And then Terry suggests everybody gang-rapes his ex, Annie. And so they do! 

Then a couple of the dudes jabber about a rumble and they show footage of a real Brooklyn biker gang, the RPMs, while they guzzle wine and eat dinner rolls. 

Then the Ratpack and the Rebels team up to stomp the Eagles. Why? Who knows? That's what street gangs do, they rumble. It's a successful raid, but Terry convinces Nino they have to go after the Warriors next. The Warriors! 

And then they have another dance party and we hear an awesome tune by Lee Dowell called "Don't Make Me Mad".  And then they do the Kung Fu dance, which may be the coolest dance of all time.  By the way, you'd figure those two songs would be available somewhere, perhaps on a 45, but it doesn't appear like that record actually exists. 

Nino's not into the rumble, but Terry convinces him he's a coward if he doesn't go through with it. I'm beginning to think Terry's got ulterior motives, especially after she gets Nino to moider his old pal Piggy when he wants to leave the gang. 

But then all the girls team up to teach Terry a lesson! 

And that's it, pretty much. Fighting, fucking, and Kung Fu Dancing. There's really very little else you could ask for, is there? Sure, it would have been nice if we had some insight as to why Terry showed up in town to ruin everybody's life, but it's not necessary. She's simply power hungry, like Lady Macbeth with more mascara. In fact, this whole film is probably more Shakespearian than anyone gives it credit for. But it's the best kind of Shakespeare - the kind you don't actually have to read. Aside from some draggy fight scenes, Teenage Gang Debs is a primo slice of 60's exploitation, filled to the brim with goofy pseudo-hip slang, evil chicks, and a delightfully screwy soundtrack. Seminal stuff, well worth seeking out. 

Teenage Gang Debs is available from Something Weird video on a double-feature with the awesomely goofy Teenage Strangler. A lot of the SWV/Image double features are going out of print lately, so scoop it up while you can. 

- Ken McIntyre

Alucarda (1978)

Directed by Juan Lopez Moctezuma

Starring Tina Romero, Susana Kamini, Claudio Brook

Unrated

Mexico

"I told you this place frightened me. And look what it's done to you!"

Justine (Susana Kamini), a newly orphaned teenager, is sent to live in a convent in Mexico. Proto-Goth weirdo Alucarda (Tina Romero) takes to her instantly. The overly possessive batcaver quickly begins to follow Justine around everywhere she goes, incessantly spouting sweet talk of how much she loves her and how they will never be parted.

It isn't long before the two lovebirds are doing all the ordinary things that girlfriends are want to do: fondling bugs, frolicking through the forest, rolling down grassy hills while holding each other and laughing, hanging out with hunch-backed gypsies and roaming around decrepit burial sites.

Their involvement in the latter of these activities is the point in which their innocent fun turns into a battle for their very souls. Upon opening a tomb, they unknowingly unleash a demonic force so strong that it instantly takes hold of Alucarda, sending her into a hysterical fit of shrieking and hair pulling.

Shortly thereafter, the girls take place in a midnight ritual where they strip nude and give themselves over to Satan. This said ritual involves such charming activities as breast cutting and erotic blood licking. As the pact with the devil comes to its climax, winds blow, nuns pray and a huge orgy of naked flesh is led into lusty sin by a giant goat.

Now that the girls are runnin' with the devil, it's time to show those nuns what's really going on. During a bible study class, the girls befoul the fellow students minds with a recitation of the greatness of Satan and the frailty of God. The teacher of the class flips out and after evacuating the frightened children, calls in Father Lázaro (David Silva) to give them a fresh dose of the holy ghost.

This cleansing of evil involves the usual rigmarole of removing their clothes, tying them to crosses and poking them with sharp instruments. Justine is the first to get some God in her life, but things don't go so well when she inadvertently drops dead from all the priestly love. Alucarda is not having any of this and gets all growly and hysterical again.

Dr. Oszek (Claudio Brook), the rational scientific mind in the city, comes running in to chastise the religious freaks for their trespasses against the innocent girls. He snatches up Alucarda and gets out of dodge with the quickness. He takes Alucarda to his home where his blind daughter Daniela (Lily Garza) is entrusted to "watch" over their new guest while the good doctor takes care of business.

Unfortunately, when Dr. Oszek returns to the convent, he finds that his reasonable atheistic minded ways were a bunch of naive junk. A dead nun has returned to life - powered by demon juice.

How will things resolve? You'll just have to watch and find out. All I can say is it involves a heaping helping of bloody, blasphemous good times that will bring a twinkle to your eye and make puppy dogs cry.

Despite some minor quibbles with character development and the overabundance of ear shattering screaming, I had a wonderful time with this film and recommend it to anyone who isn't sensitive to the subject matter. It's beautifully filmed and has amazing locations that teem with atmosphere. Hell, if it's good enough to be one of Guillermo del Toro's favorite movies, it's good enough for me.

You can procure this fine film from Mondo Macabro in remastered special edition form or for a $5.00 no frills version, visit: http://store.singahe.com/alth1.html

- Jeremy Vaca

The Candy Snatchers (1973)

Directed by Guerdon Trueblood

Starring Tiffany Bolling, Susan Sennet, Brad David

Rated R

USA

"You are a pig."

"What are you so uptight about? You want her to die a virgin?"

Candy (Susan Sennet) is an innocent young schoolgirl whose father (Ben Piazza) runs a jewelry shop. This is not to bode well for sweet Candy, as unbeknownst to her a terrible trio of desperate scoundrels have concocted a devious plan to obtain her fathers jewels; and Candy is the key ingredient in their recipe.

The kidnappers plan is simple: contact the father, offer Candy in exchange for the jewels, make the trade-off and ride off into the sunset with their newfound wealth. What they don't take into account is that Candy's dad may have some unwholesome ideas of his own and that his daughters kidnapping may not be as powerful a bargaining chip as they had hoped for.

The gang makes their move on an idyllic spring day as Candy is walking home alone from school. The three bandits roll up in their creepy kidnapper van and slowly follow behind her until the moment is ripe. With malicious intent, they strike.

Once Candy is captured, she is promptly blindfolded, bound, and gagged. Just for good measure the vilest of the trio, Alan (Brad David), hits Candy, calls her a bitch and proceeds to stare off in space with a goofy yet menacing look on his face.

The three criminal masterminds - the aforementioned Alan, his sister Jessie (Tiffany Bolling), and rotund teddy bear Eddy (Vince Martorano) - drive Candy to a desolate area high above the city. They've already prepared a stash spot for her until the deal goes down: a 3 foot deep hole in the ground. They toss her in and proceed to cover the hole with wood slats and dirt. To ensure that she stays alive in her temporary housing, they bury a metal pipe in the ground to serve as an air hole.

In a semi-fortuitous turn of events (for Candy, at least), a mute autistic child named Sean (played by director Guerdon Trueblood's own son, Christophe) just happens to be playing nearby in a bush. Upon seeing what happens, he wanders over to the premature grave and begins dropping his snacks down the tube. He also seems to enjoy plugging and unplugging the hole to hear the volume of Candy whimpering change.

The trio proceeds to make contact with Candy's father and sets up a drop-off and exchange. When he doesn't show, things start to fall apart for the amateur criminals. The threesome must change their plans, becoming increasingly willing to do whatever it takes to complete their mission. The result of this desperation comes not only at the expense of Candy, but also themselves.

To reveal much more would only serve to lessen the experience of the film but suffice to say nothing goes quite as planned for anyone involved.

The characters personalities are perplexingly inconsistent and much of the plot plays out conveniently convoluted, but such oddness is what makes the movie as endearing as it is. Without these presumably unintentional additions, the film would undoubtedly fall through the cracks as just another 70's crime caper. What makes The Candy Snatchers the cult classic that it is is indeed the unpredictable nature of its story, and I have to applaud Subversive Cinema for the lovingly realized releasing of this little gem that could have just as easily slipped into the abyss of obscurity.

If you are a fan of unique and trashy 70's exploitation, consider this a must see.

- Jeremy Vaca

Thirteen Erotic Ghosts (2002)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Starring Julie Strain, Mia Zottoli, Aria Giovanni, The Porcelain Twinz
Unrated
USA 

"She died in a girl-girl orgy with the student body."
"What student body?"
"All of them."

The insanely prolific Z-flick king Fred Olen Ray has two distinct filmmaking modes. There's the "I'm making a real movie" mode - see Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Phantom Empire - and then there's the "I'm making a quick buck" mode - see everything else he's made, including this. Lesbian softcore is one of his quick-cash specialties, and he can wrap just about any gimmick imaginable around a handful of girl-girl scenes. In this case, he's riffing off of the success (?) of the 2001 Thirteen Ghosts reboot, adding a 3D twist to the proceedings, and tossing a generous helping of gratuitous naked Julie Strain on top. Plus a little playful twincest! Who could resist such a tasty confection?

The opening scene features a towering Strain cavorting in a kiddie pool with two identi-blondes (the Porcelain Twinz!)  and a dildo. Although she does a lot of goofy ballet moves, and the cheesy violin score sounds like something from a bad Italian restaurant, the scene is surprisingly potent, as close to hardcore as you can get without any graphic insertion. Semi-hardcore, let's say. Anyway, halfway through this lusty Sapphic threesome, a bolt of lightning shoots from the sky, strikes the dildos, and fries the lithesome ladies. The end.

No wait, it's just the beginning. Fast forward to "Many years later", where we meet disgraced ex-anchor man turned low-ball journalsit Ted Nightingale (frequent Olen Ray goofball Jay Richardson), his snarky producer Gina Dicaprio (Mia Zotolli), and a jumpy cameraman (Assault of the Party Nerds director Richard Gabai), as they are about to broadcast the first-ever televised exploration of "Waffle House", the very same finishing school where Strain and the twins were, ahem, finished so long ago. It's haunted now, you see. With sexy ghosts!

Of course, much like in the original 13 Ghosts - which was definitely lacking in the lesbian sex department, so I'm glad this one got made - they'll need special "Ghost goggles" to see the ghosts. So they put 'em on and snoop around the castle, running into various sex-spirits along the way, who either have sex with Gina or with each other. So that's pretty awesome.

Also, the twins are now punk rock cheerleader ghosts. How does that happen?

Julie Strain also pops up as Baroness Lucrezia. It's been two-hundred years to the day since she was fried alive by the electric dildo, and if she manages to have sex with the investigators, she will be released from her ghostly confines in the house. I think that's what's happening. Either that, or she just wants to bone some live meat.

Halfway through the movie, there's a 3D sex scene with the punk rock cheerleader twins and Julie Strain. Maybe. I don't have the glasses to verify this. Still, even the promise of a 3D sex scene with Julie Strain and the Porcelain Twinz seems worth the price of admission to me.

So Gina has a four-way with the ghosts, and camera-guy figures out how to shoot it (by putting the ghost-goggles over the lens, naturally), which frees all the spirits from the house, and allows Baroness and Hugo to split for England to get drunk and bone.

Clearly, F.O.R was not trying particularly hard with this one. The plot is not just flimsy, it's virtually translucent, and the castle the entire film is shot in...well, it has shag carpeting. So it's a 1974 castle. Still, there's a fully-nude lesbian softcore scene every ten minutes, the always impressive Julie Strain is topless for most of the running time, and the cast is littered with familiar faces mugging shamelessly through what is obviously a very fun afternoon for everyone involved. Boners will be popped, laughs will be had, eyes will be strained trying to get the half-assed 3D to work.

- Ken McIntyre 

Flesh for the Beast (2003)

Directed by Terry West

Starring Jane Scarlett, Sergio Jones, Clark Beasley Jr.

Unrated

USA

"I have to warn you folks, this place makes Amityville look like a spinning teacup ride."

A team of paranormal researchers are called to a mansion to investigate the strange happenings that have been occurring there. The group soon learns from the current owner, John Stoker (Sergio Jones), that the mansion used to be a bordello where some mysterious occulty stuff went down, resulting in the disappearance of the keeper of the house, Alfred Fischer (played by Sergio Leone regular Aldo Sanbrell). It's not long before the team splits up to try and capture some of the weirdness they've been told of and presumably do something to make it go away.

As the crew makes their way through the dark corridors, the house begins to screw with their minds in the form of subtle noises that shortly culminate into what, at first, the team members seem to believe to be nothing more than hallucinations. These hallucinations fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be) appear as fully nude females who take no time at all in seducing the gullible guys with their goodies.

Being dumb horny men, they don't really make much of a bother as to why there are young, naked women hanging out by themselves in a dusty old mansion, but instead rush right in to getting their sex on. Needless to say, this all turns out badly.

You see, the women are actually Succubi (played by Caroline Hoermann, Ruby Larocca and Barbara Joyce, respectively) who feed on the flesh of men. Outrageously bloody death scenes ensue as the girls faces turn from moderately attractive to hideously monstrous in the blink of an eye. They growl and giggle as they tear these dummies down to size with their demonic feminine powers, leaving little else than a pile of blood and guts in their wake.

As the story progresses, we learn that the current owner of the house is using the paranormal researchers as a means to find a medallion in the shape of a scarab that somehow is the key to the kingdom of the Succubi (whatever that means). As to why he would want the medallion, his explanation suffices in that he loves them and wants to control them.

All in all, the main point of this film is to get us from one scene of gratuitous nudity and gore to another, usually at the same time; and with this it succeeds. If you're the type of viewer that doesn't mind his naked woman drenched in blood and devouring man flesh inside of a pentagram or listening to the dated metal riffage of Buckethead throughout, I see no reason why you would be disappointed with this movie.

The technical side of the film is adequate and the acting isn't completely horrible, but that's not why you're here. If you're going to watch this, it's because you want some bloody horror and one or ten good ganders at boobs and bush. And really, what's so wrong with that?

- Jeremy Vaca

Snatched! Curse of the Pink Panties 2

Directed by Kirk Bowman
Starring Danielle Kreinik, Kira Turnage, Danilo Mancinelli
Unrated
USA

"My panties were made for love, not evil!"

From the clearly brilliant mind of dimestore-budget auteur Kirk Bowman comes this long-awaited sequel to his magnum opus, 2007's Curse of the Pink Panties. In that film, a gaggle of gangster doofuses end up shooting each other in a botched jewel heist, and their wayward souls ends up - via voodoo and an internet contest - trapped in a several girls' panties. Pink ones. By films' end, their spirits are finally released from their cotton cages, but you know how curses go...there's always some nasty caveat.

Hey, here's a hand life lesson: when getting together for goof-off time, girls like to strip down to their underwear. That's nice to know.  That's exactly what happens in the opening scene, when two girls, Silvia (Elisa Elliot) and Tammy (Christine Aimerito) get together to make a birthday video for a lucky boyfriend. One of them happens to be wearing the haunted panty brand from the first movie. Said panties aren't haunted yet, but it's clearly just a matter of time.




Meanwhile, Faith (Deanna Noe), a psychic detective, and her boyfriend Judd (Robert Ozeran) rifle through their latest pile of evidence and find the offending magic underwear from the first film. The femme-detective tries 'em on (is that hygienic?), and naturally, the gangster-ghosts come back to life (as floating, disembodied heads), punching out the dude and tossing him into the street. When he comes to, he goes to a bar for a stiff one. The bar looks more like a basement, but close enough.

Also meanwhile, Kelly (Krienik) and Sophie (Turnage), the survivors from the first adventure, start their own live blog to talk about their experiences. During their first episode, they get an offer for a job that only they can do. Seems legit. They decide to check it out.

Back at the bar, Judd chats up the big-breasted bartender, who tells him that she's into paranormal mumbo-jumbo, and invites him to join her the following day, when she visits her pal the psychic. Done deal.

Meanwhile, Faith's been kidnapped by a biker chick who chains her to a table and sucks out the panty ghosts with a giant bone.

Panty mayhem goes down at the psychics, including a flamethrower to the vadge (!). When it's all over, everyone's mission is clear - they must journey to the top of Panty Mountain and rub paranormal gel on the underwear spirits to free them.

I know, it sounds like I'm just riffing off the top of my head at this point, but that's really what's up.

Silvia actually does end up with haunted panties, but now Tammy doesn't believe her. While Tammy slurps down ice cream in the front yard, the spirits drag Silvia right through the window and float her in the air. She gets dropped into a landfill while the ghosts go to a hot air balloon festival.

While all of this madness goes on, Kelly and Sophie -and Madame Dubois, the inventor of the pink panties - find themselves forced to work for the biker chick (in camo panties) to trap more spirits. They're pretty bummed by the whole deal.

And then it all goes down on the mountainside. Ghosts, panties, conspiracies revealed, friendships strained, alliances formed, genders bent! It's pretty nuts. I mean, even nuttier than the previous 75 minutes.

As with all of Bowman's films, there's a fizzy, light-hearted effervescence to Snatched, even at its most potentially vulgar moments. And when you consider that the movie's premise is based on creepy middle-aged dudes hiding out in girls' underpants - while they're wearing them - there's obviously a lot of potential for vulgarity. Also like other Bowman joints, Snatched is extremely low-budget: the production is threadbare, the special effects look like they were cooked up in a cable-access studio, and some of the actors show a lot more enthusiasm than talent. None of this detracts from the experience, however. In fact, it enhances the production; it's like watching a real-life Waiting for Guffman, only all the girls are in their underwear and there's a fat maniac running around in a bikini. It's almost impossible not to get swept up in the giddy, adolescent glee of it all.

Bowman vets Turnage and Krienik are both fetching and funny in their returning roles, and the new crew of panty-girls - particularly the delightfully curvy, big-eyed Aimerito - are a welcome addition to the roster.

High-brow types should stay miles away, but adventurous B-movie fans - especially anyone with a soft-spot  for 80's SOV gurus like John Wintergate (Boardinghouse) or Donald Farmer (Cannibal Hookers) - as well as, you know, anyone that likes to look at girls in their underwear - will want to (ahem) snatch  up a copy of Snatched post haste.

Check out Kirk Bowman's website, Cranium Candy, for more info.

- Ken McIntyre