Bikini Carwash Company (1992)

Directed by Ed Hansen
Staring Kristi Ducati, Rikki Brando, Joe Dusic, Kimberly Bee
Rated R
USA

"One more word, and I'm going to hold you in contempt."
"In contempt of what, a car wash?"

Any film written, produced, and directed by booze-swilling pussyhounds Buck Flower and Ed Hansen is bound to be a little thin in the plot department, but Bikini Carwash Company - which is, easily, Hansen's most successful feature - doesn't even pretend to be anything other than a mindless series of wet-chicks-in-bikinis montages. There's nothing about it that would warrant more than a day of filming. For all I know, Hansen shot it in real time. I can hear the conversation now:
Buck: "Ed, we ain't got much bread for this one. We're gonna haveta get it done pretty quick."
Ed: "No problem, Buck ol' pal. I can get it done in two."
Buck: "Two weeks?"
Ed: "Haha, what? No man, two hours."
Buck: "Shit, then we'd have money left over for the dog track!"
Ed: "My thoughts exactly. Now pass that bottle, Buck."

You know you're in for special treat when the credits make you do a spit-take. Sure, computer graphics weren't nearly as realistic in '92 as they are now, but the opening sequence - a bus riding a virtual highway towards a giant pair of boobs - is hilariously primitive.

The story, such as it is, involves Iowa-raised bumpkin Jack (Joe Dusic) who wanders onto the beach one day and starts poking at scantily clad nubiles, asking about the "Sunshine Carwash Company". Eventually, one of them points him in the right direction, and he meets up with his uncle Elmer (Patrick Wright, The Cheerleaders), who owns the carwash and is suffering terribly from allergies. He wants college-boy Jack to run the place for the summer so he can see a doctor and get healthy. When Jack arrives, he is shocked to see a van full of naked strippers - one of Elmer's few regular customers. Elmer hands him the keys and then splits, leaving Jack with a failing business and a pile of bills.

Jack's luck changes when he meets Melissa (Kristi Ducati). Melissa and her friends pooled a pile of money together and invested in an edible bikini company, but she forgot to refrigerate their product, and it all melted. Now they're ruined, and she needs a quick way to make some cash. When Jack stumbles onto her and her gang of jiggle-bunnies and explains his situation, Melissa gets a bright idea. That's right, a bikini car wash. Jack will make enough dough to keep the carwash afloat and pay for Elmer's expensive allergy treatments, and Melissa and her friends can make their money back. And, you know, the rest of us can watch them wash cars topless. So, everybody wins.

Jack agrees, partly because he thinks it's a viable business model, and partly because he desperately wants to bang Melissa. After an effective bikini-tease in her sex-shack, Jack happily signs the dubious contract she hands him, and they get to work.

Day one of the Bikini Car Wash starts off with an early morning workout, in bikinis, set to blaring spandex rock.

Once the girls are suitably limbered up, Rita (gorgeous Neriah Davis) hooks the rubes by waving them in off the boulevard, and once they pay the admission fee, the girls wet their cars down and then proceed to wash windows with their tits and buff the chrome with their asses. Naturally, lines start forming around the block. It should be noted, by the way, that despite being called the Bikini Carwash, the girls are usually topless. Where do they think they are, Europe?

As you might imagine, Jack soon gets a visit from the cops - and the assistant DA, sniveling worm Donovan Drake (Matthew Cory Dunn). Seems there's been an inordinate amount of fender benders outside of the carwash, not to mention all the reports of naked antics. Drake wants Jack arrested and the place shut down immediately, but Melissa makes a phone call, and high-powered lawyer Bobbie Canova (Kimberly Bee) shows up and completely confuses him.

And then a flasher shows up, which throws everyone into chaos and causes Melissa to point awkwardly towards the camera.

And then, because Hansen just can't himself, there's a stripper routine inside the carwash.

At some point later, Judge Hawthorne shows up to inspect the joint, and in what I'm sure Hansen imagined would be the comic highlight of the movie, his wife (Landon Hall, Cyberella) runs afoul of a vacuum cleaner and ends up stripped to her underwear. While this is happening, a horror movie scream is looped on the soundtrack to signify Mrs. Hawthorne's dismay. Unfortunately the actress has her mouth closed the entire time.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, if this is a Flower/Hansen production, then where's our old pal John F Goff? Well, he's here, too. He's the DA. Turns out, he's also the flasher, and he's been running around town with his dick out because he hates women, especially his mother. So that was weird. Goff hauls ass out of there, but he's cornered by the van strippers (who, in classic Hansen fashion, look like actual worn-out old strippers), who tie him down and give him a forced lapdance. And then he gets hauled off to jail.

For whatever reason, this whole debacle sexually stimulates the formerly impotent judge, so, emboldened by his hard-on, he declares that the carwash can stay open. Bobbie Cordova thanks him, and then her dress gets sucked off by the vacuum, causing her and the judge and everyone else to laugh hysterically. In most cases - certainly in any given episode of the A Team or Speed Buggy, this is when you would call it a day and roll the credits. However, we are still only at the hour mark. What other naked nuttiness could possibly await us?

Well, first Bobbie has a couple longhaired dudes soap up her ass. And then Melissa and Jack go back to the sex shack and fuck. And then there's a bikini photo shoot.

So that eats up fifteen minutes. And then, finally, Uncle Elmer comes back to work. Turns out they found a cure for his allergies - edible underwear. Yes, you read that right. Just like Melissa was trying to sell at the beginning.
"If somebody invests in that stuff, they'll make a fortune!" Says Elmer.
It's like a fairytale, only with silicone and Aquanet.

Much like Fred Olen Ray's Bikini Drive In, Bikini Carwash Company seems impossibly anachronistic. There is nothing 90's-esque about the movie, including the incessant flash metal soundtrack. The clothes, the hair, the language, all of it seems lifted straight from 1985, almost as if Hansen was attempting a period piece. But then again, this probably wouldn't have worked with a grunge soundtrack. On the surface, it seems like a stereotypical Ed Hansen film: the ridiculous set-up, the Hanna Barbara sound effects, the intrusive strip sequences, the incessant roar of the soundtrack, z-hero cameos (Jim Wynorski works at the carwash, porn star Missy Warner is the first girl Jack harasses at the beach), and of course, John F Goff. But all the slow-mo and quick-cutting sequences featuring wet girls and their soapy tits are much slicker than anything Hansen ever did before. And when you consider that his next film was Takin' It Off Out West - one of the most primitive films we've ever reviewed - well, I think cinematographer Gary Dean Orona handled a lot of this film himself, probably when ol' Ed was sleeping one off. Not surprisingly, Orona directed the sequel himself.

Perhaps Bikini Carwash Company's slickness is what makes it Hansen's biggest hit. Or maybe it's all the tits. At any rate, it ruled late night Cinemax for years, and is fondly remembered by most of the teenage losers that saw it back then. It never reaches the exquisite depths of the junkfilm abyss that Hansen plunged to in, say, Party Favors, Party Plane, or Takin' It All Off, but it's still pretty awesome/bad. And yes, boners will most assuredly be popped.

By the way, most of the girls returned for Bikini Carwash Company II and, for some reason, Meatballs 4.

Availability: Bikini Carwash Company is available on DVD. For $100.00!
Also on VHS.


Link: Neriah Davis - who still looks amazing, even without the giant pile of hair - has her own website. Sign up for her newsletter and she'll email you a saucy pic every Monday, which sounds delightful.

- Ken McIntyre

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Directed by Deborah Brock
Starring Crystal Bernard, Kimberly McArthur, Heidi Kozak, Juliette Cummins
Rated R
USA

"My burger is weird."

1982's Slumber Party Massacre was notable not for its slasher conventions (penis-shaped murder weapon, shower scene, plucky final girl), but for its sly humor and feminist slant. Written and directed by Rita Mae Brown as a parody of teenhorror, the film's producers insisted that director Amy Jones shoot it as a straight-ahead slice n' dicer, which resulted in the film's unique mix of queasy laughs and bloody murder. While it is no classic, the original Slumber Party Massacre did, at least, have a point of view. Its barely coherent follow-up, however, can boast no such claims. It's just mindless, overwrought garbage. Too-weird-to-ignore garbage, but slop nonetheless.

Slumber Party Massacre II opens, conveniently, with a flashback to the first movie. It comes at you in a blurry rush of disconnected images, and then it abruptly ends with screaming.

Courtney (Crystal Bernard, immediately recognizable as the chick-from-Wings) is the younger sister of Valerie, Slumber Party Massacre's final girl. Courtney's been having bad dreams about the incident again - hence the flashback - but she pluckily heads for school in her suspenders and high-waisted pleated pants anyway.

Her friend Amy (Kimberly McArthur, Malibu Express) picks her up, and on the way, they meet up with hunky, pushing-30, convertible driving sensitive-dude Matt (Patrick Lowe), who clearly likes Courtney. Our girl is to shy to act, however, so Amy tells him to come by their friend Sheila's garage after school, because they'll be jammin'. They have a band, see.

The prospect of an all-girl band is always exciting. Until you hear the band*. This one is a sub-Bangles jangle-pop, complete with awkward, shuffling dance moves. It's pretty painful. Sheila (Juliette Cummins, Psycho III) sings, Sally (Heidi Kozak) is the drummer, and Courtney and Amy play guitar and bass. Matt digs it, even if you don't.

Rehearsal over, Sheila asks if anybody wants a drink.
"Yeah," says Sally. Can you get me a Slice?"
How's that for 80's-centric product placement?

Sheila's dad bought a new condo - dunno why, sounds like trouble at Sheila's house - and the girls plan on staying there for the weekend to practice and party. Courtney invites Matt to go with her. Matt says yes, and the girls all celebrate with an ice cold Slice.

Of course, Courtney hasn't asked her mom for permission yet. When she does, her mom suggests that they visit Valerie at ye olde asylum instead. Courtney avoids the subject, but when they're cleaning up, she accidentally breaks a dish and then starts crying.
"Mom," she says, "Sunday is my birthday, and I don't want to go to a mental hospital."

Man, I've been there, Courtney.
Mom relents, finally, and the hustle is on.

That night, Courtney has awesome/weird dreams about the weekend. On the one hand, she's making out with Matt. On the other, body parts and blood are flying everywhere. In her dream, Valerie begs Courtney not to go. And then a greasy ShaNaNa castoff (Atanas Ilitch) shows up and says "Rock N' Roll never dies!"

So, it was a mixed bag, as far as dreams go.

The girls get to the condo and proceed to drink wine and eat Cheez Whiz and corn dogs, exchange some really lame dialogue (I think they improvised it), watch Rock N' Roll High School (this was a Concorde movie, after all), and then dance around suggestively/awkwardly to a droning rockabilly song that no one in their right mind would dance to. Sheila douses everybody with champagne and then pops her top off. Then she jiggles her boobs, which was pretty good. And then they have a pillow fight.

Two of the asshole boyfriends show up, and spy on 'em through the window.
"I didn't know girls really did this stuff!" says TJ (Joel Hoffman, Pumpkinhead).
"It's because we're dead," says Jeff (Scott Westmoreland),"And this is heaven."


TJ and Jeff sneak in the back door and pretend to be murderers. So that's funny.

That night, Courtney has a dream about the rocker guy again. He wears a leather jacket with big collars and fringe, like Andrew Dice Clay, and he chases her around with his driller-killer guitar. Courtney wakes up on the kitchen floor. Then she puts on a bikini and complains about a headache, so TJ, that ratfink, throws her in the pool. She totally freaks out. Later on, she opens the fridge and a headless, plucked chicken attacks her. Then she decides to take a bubble bath - the worst idea ever, given the circumstances - and of course, she hallucinates that blood is pouring out of the faucet. Sally comes up to help her out, and then the pimple on her cheek explodes in a torrent of pus that splashes all over Courtney.

Sally disappears, and everyone at first assumes Courtney's just crazy, but then they hear a weird crunching sound inside the trash compactor, and no one remembers turning it on. So, they call the cops, and the John Saxon-ish Officer Krueger (Michael Delano) and his partner, Officer Voorhies (yes, everybody has groan-worthy horror film names) show up to check it out. The cops listen to Courtney's crazy-girl blathering and agree to check things out, but then a perfectly-fine Sally comes strolling in to the house. She was at the store buying Oxy 10 the whole time. The cops leave in a huff, and everybody else splits too, leaving Courtney and Matt in the house alone.
Oh yeah, Matt showed up at some point.
He gives her a birthday cake, but she cries.
"You must think I'm the weirdest person in the world," she whines.
"No, I just think you're a sensitive person who had something bad happen to them when they were little," he says.

This guy will go a long way to bang the chick from Wings, man.

Everybody else comes home from wherever the fuck they were and start jammin' on the guitars while, upstairs, Courtney and Matt start to get it on. Suddenly, the Diceman shows up with his driller-killer guitar and messily guts Matt. By the way, there is virtually no explanation for this dude. He is not the same killer from the first movie. His journey from Courtneyl's dreams to the condo suggests a Freddy Krueger-esque origin, but we are never clued into where he came from or why he's chosen our already-stressed heroine as his vessel to the real world. Anyway, the garage-band ruckus drowns out Courtney's screams, and the kids are caught unawares when he comes storming down the stairs with his death-guitar. He starts slicing and dicing Courtney's friends, and when she calls Officer Krueger, he doesn't want to hear about it.

Meanwhile, the killer guy dances and sings a very lame and painful rockabilly number called "Let's Buzz".

I would call this bit a serious misfire.

After ten minutes' worth of stalking and slashing, Courtney dispatches the bad guy pretty effortlessly.

And then there's like 11 false endings after that.

It is important to note to younger readers that we weren't that fuckin' stupid back in the 80's. Nobody dressed like this or listened to this kind of music. All this just popped into Deborah Brock's head, and she went for it. Maybe drugs were involved, I can't say.

There are many reasons why we should just forget all about Slumber Party Massacre II and just move on, but the cringe-worthy music, Courtney's eye-scraping outfits, the flood-of-pus scene, and the sheer inexpliciblity of the guitar killer dude keep it alive, generation after bewildered generation. It was followed by an even-worse threequel, and awaits the inevitable hip-hop/screamo remake.

clip: In all its (in)glory, here's the full pillow fight scene!

Slumber Party Massacre II Pillowfight Scene
by Sleazegrinder

Availability: Slumber Party Massacre II is available on DVD.

- Ken McIntyre

* Not always true. Just mostly.

Screwball Hotel (1988)

Directed Rafal Zielinksi
Starring Lori Deann Pallett, Corinne Wahl, Laurah Guillen
Rated R
Canada

"Let's face it, guys. All we're good at is goofin' off."

Rafal Zielinski is a God-among-Canucks when it comes to frostbitten teen-trash, having helmed the delirious double-shot of Loose Screws (1983) and Screwballs (1985), to say nothing of the up-north bargain basement editions of Police Academy (Recruits, 1986) and Valley Girl (Valet Girls, 1987). Screwball Hotel was his last attempt at zany youth comedy for a good six years. After this, he dove into other junkfilm genres - ninjas, horror, action-drama, Lorenzo Lamasploitation, etc. That's all well and good, but Rafal's heart is obviously in dumb, big-hearted goofs like this one, which neatly scoops up all the stray gags from Screwballs and throws in an entire beauty pageant's worth of curvy blonde bimbos. It's as if he knew he'd be abandoning all the teenage losers and late-night boner-hunters for half a decade, and wanted to leave 'em with a bang. Well sir, mission accomplished.

Screwball Hotel opens with the Tin Man banging Dorothy on yellow linoleum. Said metal-man turns out to be the happy-go-lucky owner of the stately Rochester Hotel, Mr. Ebell (Kelly Monteith). Dorothy is actually Miss Walsh (Laurah Guillen), his faithful secretary. They're very into role-playing, apparently. Mr. Ebell's good time is wrecked by a visit from the Snidely Whiplash-esque Mr Spaulding (Jack Dillard), who works at the bank.
Ebell owes $300,000 to the bank. He's got five weeks to get the money, and things are not looking good. Most of his staff has quit, and he's only got a handful of guests.
Luckily, he's got a plan: the Miss Purity beauty pageant, the country's preeminent all-Christian beauty contest.

Meanwhile, at the East Point Military Academy in East Point, Massachusetts, Herb (Andrew Zeller), Mike (Michael Bendetti), and Norman (Jeff Greenman), a trio of underachieving cadets, break into the master sergeant's office and hack the school's lone computer, a Commodore Amiga 2000, to change their grades. Unfortunately, they bungle the job, and "You Lose" flashes on the screen. Naturally, they get expelled. If that's not bad enough, their parents throw them out of their homes, as well. So, they're pretty fucked. Scanning the classifieds, they find an ad for the Rochester and hop on the next bus to Florida.

The boys arrive at the hotel dressed like colorblind tourists and meet Mr Ebell, who is dressed like Indiana Jones at the time. Miss Walsh is tied to a pillar in his office, and Mr. Ebell brandishes a whip. When he notices the boys, he unties his secretary, and her just-whipped clothes naturally fall right off. This convinces the boys that they're in the right place. Ebell tells them he can't actually pay them a wage until the spring, but they'll get room and board and tips until then. They agree to his offer, and go back to ogling Miss Walsh.

The boys' first assignment is to help one of the hotel's last employees, the beautiful Candy Johnson (Lori Deann Pallett) with lunch. Candy's carrying a big pot of lobsters, and the sloshing water soaks her white shirt, making it see-through. So that's pretty cool.

But then she drops it, and when Mr. Ebell's right hand man, scheming crooked preacher Mr Stomer (Charles Ballinger) shows up to dress the new recruits down, one of the wayward lobsters crawls up Norman's leg and pinches his testicles.

While we wait on some sort of plot development, various teen sex com hijinks ensue. A jerky guy gets fed a burger that was just on the floor. Herb gets caught spying on Candy when she's working out ("Are you a peeping Tom?" "No, I'm a hiding Herbie!"), and hauls ass out of there. He ends up accidentally hiding in the women's cabana, and after exercise class is over, he finds himself right in the middle of a shower scene.

Norman nearly gets seduced by Cherry Amour (Corinne Wahl, Spring Break) while she sloshes around in a bubble bath, but ends up running down the hallway with his pants down, trying to put out a flaming lobster.

Mr. Ebell attempts to woo a potential investor, but her yappy dog runs off and Mike, distracted by Candy's bent-over ass, accidentally tosses the dog into a clothes dryer, which kills him. Stuff like that.


Oh, and at one point, Mike dresses up like a frog to try and bang Miss Walsh.

Mr Stomer makes a $50,000 drug deal with a couple of machine-gun toting Cuban gangsters. Naturally, he puts the cocaine in a tin can labeled "Artificial Sweetener" and places it on a shelf in the kitchen, where it can be easily mistaken for flour. He does write "Do Not Use" on it, though. I mean, he's no fuckin' dummy.

Meanwhile, for whatever crazy reason, Cherry Amour really wants to bang Norman, even though he weighs 300 pounds and appears to be developmentally challenged. She requests a bottle of champagne be sent up to her room, and that Norman brings it personally. Being a virgin, he's terrified, so his friends volunteer to coach him via a wire and earpiece.

He shows up at her room, and she greets him in a leather n' studs S&M outfit. He uses all of his Mike's wired-in lines, but she ignores him as she tears off his clothes and tosses him on the bed.
"I...I love you!" He tells her.
"Let's see what you say in 20 minutes, honey," she snarls, before cracking a bullwhip.

While all this madness is going on, Mr. Ebell is constantly trying to drum up investors for the hotel. At one point he entertains an Australian farmer, who is thinking about investing for his sister, Lisa (the awesomely named Katerina Head). While Ebell and the farmer are having dinner, Mike flirts with Lisa, who tells him to come up to her room later on. He does, and crawls into bed with her, noting how soft her hair is and what wonderful things she can do with her tongue. He quickly realizes he's in the farmer's room, and he's in bed with a sheep. The farmer is pretty pissed about it.
"If it makes you feel any better," Mike says, as quickly makes his escape, "I was trying to have sex with your sister, not your sheep!"

Later on, a wild party gets underway in the hotel's ballroom. Seems the chef made pudding with Mr. Stomer's 'artificial sweetener', and it was quite popular with the guests. So, now he's in pretty big trouble. The mob guys show up to collect their drugs, and when he tells them he's lost it all, they warn him that "The Cobra" will be paying him a visit very soon.

Speaking of trouble, Ebell's ready to throw in the towel, since his employees have completely cocked-up the deal with any potential investor he had, but Mike comes up with the idea to turn the ballroom into a casino. Which they do, in like five minutes.

They even get Cherry Lamour to perform a disco tune. They make $60,000, but they still need another 240 grand. Candy and the boys put their heads together and come up with the idea to stage an oil-wrestling competition at the casino, using the girls from the Miss Purity Pageant. I like the way they think.

The fellas dress up like nuns and Moses to trick the Jesus chicks into wrestling Satan (Mr Ebell in a devil outfit). It's pretty good. Better than I expected. In fact, it caused me to Google "Oil Wrestling Boston" right afterward, to see if I could attend a similar event myself. Turns out I cannot, unless I want to time-travel back to 1989, or find a dude-friendly lesbian bar in New Hampshire. Both options seem too complicated. I guess I missed the boat on this one. Anyway, back to our story.

I'm not sure why this happens, but after the oil wrestling fiasco, Stomer takes control of the hotel and fires our heroes. They vow revenge and start to bugs-bunny a plan to sabotage the TV broadcast of the pageant.

They needn't have worried, since the pageant quickly starts to unravel all on it's own. One girl recites a dirty poem about butts, and an all-girl band starts out singing a happy gospel tune, but it quickly devolves into some kind of industrial punk-dirge freakout Sensing a set-up, Stomer cuts the pageant short and just announces the winners. Miss Purity accepts her crown, and then tears off her dress and dances topless with the runner-up. I don't know why any of this is happening, but I'm glad that it does.

So it's naked mayhem, basically. And then, "The Cobra" strikes. And then things get even crazier.

Although I would stop short at calling this one a genre classic - at 99 minutes, it's way too long for a breezy teenage romp - the sheer volume of ogle-worthy girls, the hilariously obnoxious synth-score, and the goggle-eyed overacting of the up-for-it cast all make this one a must-see.

Your eyeballs will thank you.


Availability: Screwball Hotel is available on VHS.
- Ken McIntyre

Pussycat Pussycat I Love You (1970)

Directed by Rodney Amateau
Starring Ian McShane, Severn Darden, Anna Calder-Marshall
Rated GP
USA

"Please, don't involve me. I'm Swiss."

Ian McShane is Fred C Dobbs, an egocentric womanizer living in Rome, who suffers from delusions about losing his hair and getting raped by Milton, an amorous gorilla. To ward off these inner demons, he has sex with any dollybird he can get his mitts on, and then spills the details of his sleazy sexventures to his quack psychiatrist/hair restoration specialist, Dr. Fahrquardt (Severn Darden). And that's pretty much it.

A late-in-the-game sequel to 1965's vastly superior What's New Pussycat, PPILY is a formless and aimless series of non-starting comic set-ups that always seem like they might actually go somewhere, only to fizzle out several disappointing minutes later.

As there is no formal plot, it's difficult to describe the film in any linear way, so I guess a few snapshots of the action will have to do:

Dr F somehow cons a dozen blonde models into taking a champagne-soak in his private bathtub when his Ilsa-like wife, Anna (Joyce Van Patten, Dick's sister) shows up with a crossbow and shoots the mealy-mouthed cheat right in the heart, point-blank. He does not die, however. Later on, she catches him gallivanting with Fred's maid, and shoots his balls off with a shotgun. He's ok in the next scene, though.

Fred's neglected wife Millie (the lovely Anna Calder-Marshall), fully aware of her husband's wandering eye, decides to have an affair of her own. She picks up a smooth-talking Italian dude at a groovy pop-art party, and goes to the movies with him. Halfway through the film, they start getting it on, and by the time the credits roll, everyone in the theater is rolling on the floor in a ferocious (and fully-clothed) group-grope.

Fred - who is a playwright, apparently - hires a gorgeous new secretary named Angelica (Katia Christine) who...well, actually nothing really happens, there. She's just very nice to look at it.

Etc.

Eventually, a story of sorts emerges. American movie star Grant Granite (John Gavin) shows in Rome to buy Fred's latest screenplay for the princely sum of $150,000. He simply must buy it by the end of the week or the deal's off.

Problem is, Fred's off to god-knows-where with his new secretary. Grant, Millie, Fred's mistress Ornella (Beba Loncar), plus Angelica's old boyfriend, a leather-wearing lesbian folksinger, and various other peripheral characters all take chase after Fred and Angelica as they traipse around the Italian countryside in a white convertible.

Meanwhile, Dr. Fahrquardt tries to get ride of his wife once and for all by agreeing to a double-suicide pact. They walk into the ocean wearing chains to the weight them down, but at the last moment, the doc escapes in a rowboat. Anna is one step ahead of him and drills a hole through the bottom of it. And so on.

Somehow they all end up on the set of a spaghetti western, and after stealing a stagewagon, Grant and the girls end up getting chased by Fred, a bunch of cops, some cowboys, a smattering of Indians, a few chickens, and an angry film crew. Antics ensue, and at the end, Fred gets raped by the gorilla.

Well, not really. The gorilla does show up, though.

You know, it seems almost impossible for this film not to be a sexploitation classic. After all, it does sorta resemble a cross between Russ Meyer's Supervixens and any given episode of Benny Hill. However, aside from a few sly gags here and there ("How does she know I'm a blonde?"), Pussycat Pussycat I Love You just isn't funny. McShane went on to be a classic heavy in films like Sexy Beast and in dirty western Deadwood, but as a Robin Askwith-esque lothario, he completely fizzles out. Also, for a film about fucking, there's very little skin on display. In fact, there's only one bare bum in the whole movie. Considering that this was clearly made for adults, the GP rating (GP was the precursor to PG) is puzzling and, with blinding beauties like Calder-Marshal and Christine in the cast, pretty frustrating.
Still, what saves this one from the trash heap is the near-constant parade of young lovelies that breeze in and out of every scene, the swingin' space-age bachelor pad lounge-pop soundtrack, and some very groovy sets and fashions. So, your call.

Woody Allen wrote the screenplay for Pussycat Pussycat, so I'm going to lay the blame for this one squarely on him. That guy's made a lot of unfunny movies. Director Amateau (RIP), on the other hand, had an impeccable resume full of drive-in trash and jiggle TV, including The Seniors (1978), Drive In (1976), The Dukes of Hazzard (1979-1980), High School USA (1983) and, perhaps most importantly, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), one of the weirdest kid movies ever made. So, clearly, this is somebody else's fault.

Availability: Pussycat Pussycat I Love You is not available on DVD or VHS. Check your TV listings!

Clip: Pussycat Pussycat I Love You trailer!

- Ken McIntyre

Flesh Gordon (1974)

Directed by Howard Ziehm
Starring Jason Williams, Suzanne Fields, William Hunt
Rated X
USA

"Nobody burns my ass and gets away with it."

Flesh Gordon began like most of Howie Ziehm's movies, with a bunch of willing sex-hippies freaking freely. But after a troubling run-in with the law, Mr. Z changed the film's course mid-stream, hired a special-effects team, and accidentally crafted an enduring sci-fi cult hit. It's a long story, and Ziehm tells it better than I can - listen to the commentary track on the DVD for the hilariously awful true tale - but in a nutshell, the producers had to prove they weren't making a sex film to beat an obscenity charge, so they came up with the cockamamie "It's a sexy spoof of the old Flash Gordon serials" angle, and Flesh Gordon was born.

As our twisted tale opens, the world is in the grips of sex madness, and no one knows why. A group of scientists host a press conference.
"I think it was bad Passover tuna fish," suggests one brainiac.
"Tuna fish? Tuna fish? This guy's got mercury on the brain," deadpans brainiac number 2.
The head scientist, Professor Gordon (John Hoyt, RIP), announces that he's dispatched his son to the Himalayas to figure it all out. Why the Himalayas? Well, why not?

Prof's son Flesh (Jason Williams, Cheerleaders Wild Weekend) and Dale Order (Suzanne Fields, The Stewardesses) are both on that fateful Himalayan-bound flight when the plane is struck with Sex Madness. Bolts of red light strike the plane while a quite-annoying "Whatwhatwhat!" sound drones away on the soundtrack. Everybody starts ripping their clothes off.
"Sir, I've got a boner!" Yells the co-pilot.
The two pilots head to back of the plane to join in on the orgy. Flesh is the only one that's unaffected. At first he tries to land the plane himself, but can't, so he grabs Dale and they parachute out just as the plane goes down. She blows him on the way down. Sex madness!

When they reach the ground, they run into eccentric scientist Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins), who has built a penis shaped rocketship that will take him to the planet where the Sex Ray is coming from. Flesh and Dale agree to go with him, so they screw in some lightbulbs, and blast off. Unfortunately, they fly right into the sex ray, and have a boisterous three-way.
"Another incident like that, and I'll be ready for the old folks home!" Says Flexi.

Afterward, they spy anthe offending sex-ray planet and decide to check it out. It is called Planet Porno, and it is not friendly. One of Porno's attack-ships shoots Flexi's penis-rocket, and they're forced to crash-land. When they get out of the ship, a bunch of half-naked Roman soldiers start shooting at them with laser guns, so they duck into a cave, where they're menaced by a Penisaurus. A bunch of them, in fact. Penisauri? Dale narrowly escape from...I'm not sure what. Monster rape, I guess. Then they're captured by the gay Roman dudes, and brought back to Emperor Wang's palace, where an orgy is taking place. An orgy is always taking place at Wang's.

Wang (William Dennis Hunt, in seriously creepy Fu Manchu drag) decides he wants Dale for his bride, which does not sit with Flesh. Not one for competition, Wang sends Flesh off to the 'Sex Depleter', but Amora, Queen of Magic (Mycle Brandy, The Geek) shows up to stop him. They make a deal - if Flesh survives in the arena, he will be spared Sex Depletion. Flesh fights three monster girls with orange frightwigs, and then the queen nabs him, and they disappear in a puff of smoke.

Flesh wakes up in the Queen's swan-shaped ship, and they make sweet love while a green monster watches. Wang finds out what they're up to, and has her ship shot down. Meanwhile, he stages his wedding with Dale. It includes bottomless cheerleaders. Also, he wears the wedding dress.

Also meanwhile, Jerkoff escapes from Wang's palace, and finds Flesh. He tells Flesh about the wedding, and then the dead queen shows up to give them her magic pasties. They're the only thing in the galaxy that can stop Wang and his "insidious schemes".

After Scooby-dooing around in the forest for awhile, Flash and Flexi burst in on the wedding, but they're too late: Dale's been snatched by the Amazon Underworld. Wang pulls a lever, and our two heroes fall through a trap door to who-know-where.

Captain Nelly (sexploitation legend Candy Samples) - a peg-legged, hook-handed, cigar chomping pirate queen, explains to Dale that the Amazon Underworld is dedicated to overthrowing Wang and his regime. Dale gets strapped down to a table and then a black chick with a giant afro has sex with her. Flesh and Flexi, who are stuck in a pit, hear Dale's cries, and try to figure out how to save her from the sweet lesbianic lovemaking. Flesh's idea is to just run into the wall. It does not work. Flexi uses the magic pasty. It busts down the wall, and they save Dale. For about a minute.

And then a stop motion metal cricket monster shows up, and Flesh battles with it. It totally kicks Flesh's ass, but Prince Precious (Lance Larsen, dressed up like a gay Robon Hood) shows up and shoots it with an arrow. The prince explains how he's the rightful heir to the throne. Porno used to be the Pleasure Planet, you see, and everybody had an awesome time. But then Wang, an impotent botanist, invented the Sex Ray, because he couldn't stand everybody else having a good time, and used it to enslave the planet.

Flesh and Precious decide to band together, and, after a quick visit to the forest kingdom (another orgy, this time in the woods), they head off to the palace. Jerkoff has developed a counter-ray that will blast Wang's sex ray to smithereens. Unfortunately, one of Wang's henchmen has infiltrated Precious' gang of merry men, and he sabotages their mission by stealing one of the magic pasties and jumping out of the ship with a plastic umbrella.

Our heroes narrowly escape crashing, and make it back inside Wang's palace. Unfortunately, they take a wrong turn and end up getting flushed down a giant toilet. Wang celebrates with a song and dance number. Everybody does the bunnyhop, and then they have yet another orgy. At some point, Wang accidentally inserts the magic pasty into some chick's vagina, and it gets stuck there. Flesh and his pals manage to swim their way out of the toilet, and while Flesh tries to retrieve the pasty from the girl's crotch, Wang lets loose his rapist robots. They have spinning corkscrew penises. All you have to do is turn a dial to stop 'em, though. Bad design flaw.

And then a smooth-talking giant monster (Coach himself, Craig T Nelson) shows up. He snatches Dale.
"This is a tower of murder," he says. "This is where I hang out."
The monster yanks off Dale's dress.

"I just wanna look at your tits," he tells her.
Who knows what he has planned for her?

So...will Flesh save her, defeat the monster and Wang, and the world?

Seems likely.

If you're looking for boners, Flesh Gordon is not the place to find them. With the possible exception of Fritz the Cat, it's probably the least erotic X-for-sex film of the 70's. There is no explicit humping, just lots and lots of hairy black bush. But for sheer disco-era weirdness, it's a must-see. You literally never know what's going to happen next in this film, and so you remain glued to the screen, a near constant 'what-the-fuck look plastered on your confused face.

Many of the FX guys that worked on Flesh later went on to the very heights of the industry - famed and fabled monster maker Rick Baker was on board, as well as several future Nightmare on Elm Street alumni, and one-half of Industrial Light and Magic, and all that talent is evident in the myriad of weird creatures and surreal set designs that litter this loony film. It's no masterpiece, but you do probably need to see this mess before you die.

Ziehm went right back to porn after this one, and didn't manage to crank out the sequel - Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders - until the late 1980's. It did not have the impact that this one did. That's probably because people stopped eating fistfuls of pills all day by then.

Clip: Flesh Gordon trailer!

Availability: Flesh Gordon is available on DVD.

- Ken McIntyre