Fairy Tales (1979)

Directed by Harry Hurwitz
Starring Don Sparks, Linnea Quigley, Angela Aames, Sy Richardson
Rated R
USA

"It's no use. I'm just not interested."

The story is classic teen sex comedy: ugly doofus wants to bang the hot blonde chick. But since it was still the 70's and recreational drugs were getting gobbled up like Skittles, future Empire/Full Moon B-mogul Charles Band decided to tell this well-worn tale via a very tricky sub-sub genre - the 'erotic musical'. It worked for The First Nudie Musical and Alice In Wonderland, after all, so why not Fairy Tales?

Tales is a sorta-sequel to Band's surprisingly successful Cinderella (1977), just gender-flipped. Instead of a girl in search of a prince, it's a prince in search of a willing vagina.
Don Sparks is the Prince. What prince? Just 'The Prince', man. Prince of what? From the looks of it, an abandoned theme park. The prince is a hangdog shlub who wears a full face of goopy make-up, which may explain his problem. You see, it's his 21st birthday, and therefore time for him to sire an heir to the throne. The problem is, he's impotent. His royal noodle is limp. He is given an ultimatum: bang a potential baby-maker by next Thursday or lose your princely privileges. How, exactly, is he supposed to complete this task, you ask? Dunno. Nobody thought that far ahead. Again, most people in the film industry were perpetually stoned in the late 1970's.

The king hires a trio of singing doctors/Borsht Belt comedians to solve the prince's embarrassing problem. Being virile wham-bam types, they figure a giant set of pendulous breasts will do the trick, so they wake up the prince and plop curvy Idy Tipoldi (Auditions) in his lap. Sadly, she fails to arouse him. The prince shrugs and tells the flummoxed docs that he's reasonably sure he could get it up for the curly haired beauty in the portrait on his bedroom wall, but otherwise, he doubts any boners will be popped. Alas, said beauty has been missing for years.

The doctors consult the Magic Manual. It tells them that the prince must travel to the "Land of the Fairies", and there, he'll find the cure. Doesn't sound like a good place to get anybody pregnant, but whatever. Off he goes. The prince tromps along a lonely trail on the way to the Land of the Fairies and eventually falls asleep in a ditch. He's not the sturdiest sort, this kid. He wakes up to find b-movie goddess Angela Aames (H.O.T.S., All the Marbles, Chopping Mall) dressed up like Little Bo Peep and warbling away in a Brooklyn accent. I dunno, I found it adorable.

Anyway, after her song and dance, she nuzzles his neck and rubs her giant tits in his face, but is has no effect. "It's not you, it's me," says the prince, (ahem) sheepishly.
"You should go to see the old woman who lives in a shoe," suggests Bo-Peep.
"She'll know what to do."
Wow.

So, the old lady is Madame Gussy (Brenda Fogerty, who had an amazing T&A resume: Summer Camp, Chesty Anderson, The Beach Bunnies, Trip with the Teacher, etc. Somebody build this woman a shrine!), the shoe is a brothel, and bad-ass motherfucker Sy Richardson (Straight to Hell, Repo Man, Petey Wheatsraw) is Syrus, a pimp. There's a bunch of different themed rooms inside the shoe, one of which houses Snow White (Anne Gaybis, Hollywood Zap, Bachelor Party, Black Shampoo, Deep Jaws) and her seven dwarves. Apparently, they perform some sort of sex show. Snow White sings about it while the dwarves undress her.

"You might think it's quite offbeat, fondling fourteen little feet, but I think paradise must be like this!" Etc.
It's pretty creepy.
Anyway, Gussy shows Syrus a secret room upstairs. It will remain locked, she explains, "Until the right offer comes along."

So, you get it, right? Various fairy tale characters show up and try to bone Prince No Balls, including gorgeous Lyndsay Freeman (Lady Chatterly's Lover), who portrays Jill, of Jack and Jill fame. Syrus gets wind of the prince's troubles, and figuring he'll be rewarded handsomely for his efforts, drags the prince around from one ridiculous (and musical) sexcapade after another. At one point, they even visit a voodoo queen, Aunt La Voh (Martha Reeves, of Motown group Martha and the Vandellas, who reportedly took her church group to the film's premiere, unaware that it was loaded with tits and bush!), who attempts to cure his impotence with disco.

Back at the shoe, an orgy breaks out, with a bunch of S&M girls, a frog prince, the Beast, and even legendary dwarf-actor Angelo Rossito (Galaxina, Lidsville, Freaks, etc). Said orgy eventually morphs into yet another musical number, about a mythical virgin, perhaps the last one in the kingdom, a virgin of such exquisite beauty that she's sure to cure whatever ails you, even stubborn royal impotence. She is, naturally, locked up in Gussy's secret room. Desperate, the prince brokers 18% of his kingdom in exchange for a crack at her.

But then, when he finally sees her, it's a hairy dude in dirty white sneakers. So that doesn't work, either. But then, after a series of slapsticky events, he accidentally kisses the hairy dude, and he turns into Sleeping Beauty (21 year old Linnea Quigley, who actually did look virginal at that point). The prince whisks her off somewhere and everyone lives happily ever after. Or do they?

Yes, they do. It's a musical, man.

Much less raunchy than you'd imagine, given the wall-to-wall nudity, Fairy Tales is actually a quaint and charming little film, filled with some very funny characters (Robert Staats as the motor-mouthed doorman of the shoe/brothel is particularly hilarious), catchy musical numbers, and more future T&A stars then any other film I can think of. That being said, I'd rather jump out a window than watch it again. I mean, seriously, they fucking sing every five minutes. Still, it's worth it just to see Angela Aames' Bo Peep routine, Linnea Quigley's babyfat, and a medieval Sy Richardson arguing with his future 70's self in a magic mirror ("Who you callin' Boy? Boy is in the jungle with Tarzan, motherfucker!). The erotic-musical-comedy died a deserving death not long after this one, but will surely rise again at some point. Joanna Angel is probably writing one as we speak.

Availability: Fairy Tales is available on DVD.

PS: Angela Aames, RIP.

- Ken McIntyre

Takin' It All Off (1987)

Directed by Ed Hansen
Starring Candie Evans, Kitten Natividad, Buck Flower
Unrated
USA

"Oh, great, here comes the resident douchebag. Fuck off, banana sucker."

Takin' It All Off is strange for a lot of reasons, but perhaps the most prominent is that it's actually two (terrible) films at the same time. On the one hand, it's a direct sequel to 1985's Takin' It Off. In fact, it begins with TIO star Betty Big Ones (Kitten Natividad), now "the world's most famous stripper", zooming around in a limo while she tweaks her nipples. But then it abruptly cuts to a stripper school taught by a mincing John F Goff and attended by porn star Candie Evans and Brit Page 3 girl Gail Harris. And that, of course, is exactly the scenario and cast of Hansen's other '87 production, Party Favors. So what, exactly, was Ed Hansen trying to do here? Did he think no one would notice?

I bet that's exactly what he thought.

Becky LeBeau (Joysticks, Hollywood Hot Tubs) stars as Becky (easier to remember that way), who has started this free-to-attend erotic aerobics school. While admission is gratis, the girls must agree to give Becky 20% of their earnings after graduation in perpetuity, which seems a little extreme to me. However, since no one has a job yet, the school is in debt, and if they don't come up with $4,000 in 30 days, they'll get shut down. Obviously, they need stripper jobs to save the school.


But first, the girls all take a shower. And then, somewhere else entirely, Kitten takes a shower. So there's that.

Allison (Candie Evans) has come to LA from god knows where to be a professional actor/dancer. Her dad (Buck Flowers) sold the hog farm to pay for her lessons, and they have come to naught, so as a last ditch effort, she shows up at Becky's school, with Buck in tow. A topless Becky waltzes in and asks Allison to audition, so she slips into a pink leotard and dances around. Everybody loves it, and she joins the gang. Then Elliot (Goff) announces that he's got them all an audition with his friend Bobby, who owns a strip club. They all trundle over to Bobby's patio (the same patio that served as a fat farm in Takin' It Off), and all the girls perform strip routines - in real time, mind you - except for Allison, who can't bring herself to bare any flesh.

Bobby is disappointed, but tells Eliot he'll hire the whole crew if Allison whips 'em out. Elliot spends the month trying to train Allison in the art of top-doffing, but it's an uphill battle. In the meantime, she falls in love with the towel boy, Adam (Geno Hart; his twin brother Dash co-stars as a moron). Becky remembers that Betty Big Ones had the same healthy aversion to public nudity once, and that she got hypnotized to get over it. Elliot tells Becky he'll call her and ask her about it. This gives Hansen the golden opportunity to insert several minutes of Kitten's strip routine in the first movie. In an editing choice worthy of Ed Wood, Betty walks off the stage naked and then enters her dressing room clothed and with a different haircut.

Elliot asks Betty about the hypnotism, which gives Hansen yet another chance to recycle footage, this time of that crazy fuckin' doctor Lucifer Chaser. He makes a rare housecall to see Allison, and hypnotizes her while "Boing!" noises are heard on the soundtrack. The trick works, and Allison does her first striptease on the patio. This is followed by another dance from Kitten, this time to a cheeseball metal song.


Here's the problem, though: now every time Allison hears the Takin' It Off theme song, she strips. Even at a restaurant, or the laundromat, or in the middle of a park, in front of nuns (and a black guy dressed up like a robot)! Clearly, this cannot go on, so Eliot flits off to find Lucifer so he can reverse the curse. Betty Big Ones suggests that Alison take a long, hot shower while they're waiting. And so she does.

Lucifer gets arrested for inciting pagan orgies at the old folk's home, so he cannot reverse the hypnosis spell on Allison. He gives the cops the slip, and yells something about "desire reversal' to Betty on the way out. And then they all go to Bobby's club for their big debut show. Will Allison ever be free of her curse? Will she find true love with the retarded towel boy? Will we find out 'desire reversal' means? Will it turn out to be fucking stupid? Will the cops finally catch up with the elusive Dr Chaser? And is this whole shoddy mess worth the gargantuan effort it takes to sit through it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no.

Seriously, even Ed and Buck had to be a little embarrassed with this one. Total junk. I'll give 'em one thing, though: they did not cheat on the title. There's a lot of fuzzy 80's bush on display. Oh, and LeBeau's tits are amazing, even if her acting is not.

Availability: Takin' It All Off is available on VHS.

-Ken McIntyre

Viva (2007)

Directed by Anna Biller
Starring Anna Biller, Bridget Brno, Jared Sanford, Chad England
Unrated
USA

"I've always wanted to be a prostitute. It sounds so romantic!"

Anna Biller is some sort of magical art-school girl from LA who produces lavish stage musicals and bizarre short films utilizing imagery and fashion from bygone eras. In Viva, she dresses herself and everyone around her up in eye-watering 70's outfits and lets 'em loose in boozy, sex-on-the-patio type situations, just to see what happens. From what I've read, she spent several years shopping at thrift stores and learning macramé to achieve the seamless retro look of Viva, and it shows. Nothing about this film, save for a few too-worn 'vintage' items, suggests it was made two years ago. Therefore, I'm going to pretend it's a lost sexploitation classic from 1972.

As Viva opens, we meet Mark (Biller regular Jared Sanford), the quintessential 70's man. He's boastful, horny, and unattractive. With his lop-sided helmet of hair and yellow slacks, he looks like everyone's pervy uncle. Mark lounges around his pool, chain smoking and fiddling with his new camera. His bosomy blonde wife Sheila (Bridget Brno, Caffeine) comes out to greet him.
"Good morning, lover," she purrs.
"You call this morning?" He says, nonsensically. And then they both laugh like mental patients.
Sheila tosses a few cubes of ice into her glass and Mark splashes in some Dewars. Then she picks up his copy of Playboy.
"Coffee and the paper," she says. "The perfect breakfast!"
And then they both laugh again.

Viva is the sort of film that you will know instantly whether you like or not. The acting is purposefully wooden, a clear homage to Doris Wishman's ineptitude and John Waters' aggro-camp. There is not one naturalistic performance in the entire film, and if Mark's droll laughter puts you off, things will only get worse from there. I can see why Viva is such a polarizing film, but I was riveted by this scene. As a small child growing up in the 70's, this is the kinda crazy bullshit I suspected was going on, but could not prove and would not understand even if I saw it. You can watch Viva and think Biller is putting you on, but she's really not that far off the mark. This is pretty much exactly the way I remember the 1970's.

Sheila settles down by the pool and leafs through the faded magazine (all the vintage books and magazine in Viva really are vintage, which is a distracting detail. They really should look brand new, shouldn't they?), pointing out that her "bustline" is better than any of the girls in the magazine. Mark agrees.
"That's right, honey," he says. "If I can say one thing about you, you've got great tits."
They start discussing the possibility of an impromptu nude shoot right there in their backyard, when their friend and neighbor Barbie (Biller) shows up. They ask her why she's visiting.
"Sheer boredom," she tells them, in a zombie monotone.

Anna Biller's sultry look in Viva appears to be influenced in equal measure by Tura Satana and Divine, but her performance is very much her own creation. She appears to be constantly posing, as if invisible paparazzi are snapping candids of her. At the same time, her flat affect suggests an over-medicated depressive with very little attachment to her own body. Barbie goes through the motions as required by the situation at hand - posing in her bikini with Sheila as Mark snaps pictures, or running around the grabby boss's desk as he chases her - but she always seems faraway, lost in some modestly-dressed Neverland where she's not constantly being pawed and pursued by men because of her soft, feminine figure.

Of course, her choice of clothing might have something to do with the powerful attraction men have for her. Barbie seriously enjoys sheer nighties. She is dressed in a particularly fetching peach-colored number when her leisure-suit n' toupee sporting hubby Rick (the awesomely named Chad England) comes home from a hard day at the office. She explains to him that she's been fired from her secretary job (she didn't let the boss catch her), and would like to become a model. He laughs and makes sweet 70's love to her on the floor. And then they throw a barbeque complete with deviled eggs and a Jello mold.

Rick leaves town on business, and Barbie decides to pursue this modeling lark. Her first stop is the Gladstone modeling agency, where she meets Miss Marker (Veronica Alicino), who looks her over and decides that, with a new hairdo and a makeover, she might be able to get her some work in "Catalogs and...art movies."
Miss Marker sends her to the hairdressers and then suggests the two meet later for a private photo shoot at her house.
"It'll probably go late," Miss Marker purrs, "But you can sleep over my house if you want."

Barbie visits Sherman (Barry Morse), a mincing, glam-rock hairdresser with a makeshift salon in his apartment and a belligerent next-door neighbor, Reeves (Cole Chipman), who comes over to watch him "work". The dandified barber doses their milkshakes, and Reeves attempts to seduce the drugged Barbie, but she passes out. So he just fucks the hairdresser instead. Barbie wakes up the next morning and takes off. Rick's had it with her new adventures in self-empowerment and splits, maybe for good.

Mark has also left Sheila, so she calls up Barbie and tells her to put on something sexy. She has a plan to capitalize on their newfound freedom, although she hasn't worked out the kinks yet. They dress up in see-through outfits and head into the city.
"Isn't this exciting?" Sheila asks. "Two girls in the big city without husbands!"
"Yes," Barbie agrees, but what should we do?"
"I don't know," Sheila shrugs. "Let's go stand over there and think about it."
And that's exactly what they do.
While the two women in their racy outfits stand in a doorway and ponder their next move, Mrs James (Carole Balkan), a madam from the local brothel, spies them from her binoculars
She trots over to them and compliments them on their sexy outfits.
"We want to have adventure," Sheila explains.

Mrs. James convinces them to try the exotic world of escort services, promising them they don't have to have sex with the men if they don't want to. Their first client is middle-aged doctor with a spanking fetish. They gently swat him and giggle. Afterward, he hands them a pile of cash. Things are going well.

Sheila changes her name to Candy. Then she dreams about purple horses and sings in the bathtub while chugging scotch. Barbie, now calling herself Viva, takes a gig at a nudist colony. Annie McAuley, from classic 80's Canuck teensploitation flicks Recruits and Loose Screws, is lounging in a hot tub when she gets there, and informs her that she'll have to get naked if she plans on sticking around. She refuses, but there's so many naked people already in the frame that it hardly matters. It is also remarkable how 70's people look when they're naked and either sitting in hot tubs or playing acoustic guitars.

By the way, there's an all-nude acoustic folk-rock interlude at this point. How could there not be, really?

Barbie bones the folk singer, Elmer (Paolo Davanzo), but the next morning, she finds herself unsatisfied.
"I thought I would hate myself for this," Barbie tells her hippy lover. "But I don't. I hate you."

Mrs James sends her out again, this time to see an edgy pop-art mogul with a British accent named Clyde (Marcus DeAnda). Despite finding him unattractive and off-putting, Viva moves into his space-age bachelor pad. Clyde introduces her to his way-out friends, including a Mr. Furley-esque grandpa named Arthur (John Klemantaski), who asks her to audition for his all-nude musical, and a foxy black chick named Agnes (Robbin Ryan), who she has a romantic fling with. Barbie's new life is going pretty well, until Arthur barges in one day and rapes her. Imagine being raped by Don Knotts?

Meanwhile, Mark has moved into a new, shag-lined luxury condo complete with nude women who show up to borrow liquor.
Staring straight at the camera with a bubbly naked redhead (Andrea Lain) on his lap, Mark sums up the 70's:
"There has never been a better time to be a man," he says. "The willing women, the dandy clothes, the frills, the big rings and jewelry, the open shirts, the sense of entitlement. Take it from me: savor this time, for it will soon be gone, never to return."

I very nearly wept.

Despite the fact that she's been enjoying his hospitality and wealth, Barbie/Viva has yet to consummate her relationship with Clyde.
Frustrated, he visits Mrs. James who, after all, set Barbie up with him the first place.
"She wants to be my friend," he scoffs. "Honestly, who wants to be friends with a girl?"
Mrs. James gives him a pill that will put Barbie into a "trance state". I'm not sure how that helps, but Ok.

Clyde throws a sex party straight out of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Barbie wears an Egyptian goddess outfit.
"Wow, you turn me on," random mustache dude tells her.
"Turn you on?" Viva mocks, puffing on her cigarette. "I turn all men on."
Viva performs an ear-battering musical number while people fuck on the floor all around her but nearly passes out from Clyde's weird pill. Mark recognizes his old neighbor and rushes to help (the only moment in the entire film, by the way, where a character shows any compassion whatsoever), but Clyde shoos him away, whisking Viva away to his bedroom. She starts hallucinating in cartoons while Clyde ravishes her supple body.

Things are sorta getting out of hand for our drowsy heroine. Will she continue down this dark path of cheap sex and designer drugs, or will she remember who she really is and rush back home to Rick? And where the fuck is Rick, anyway?

These questions and a fistful of others you haven't even thought of yet all get answered in the thrilling and sugar-sweet climax of Viva.

At two-plus hours (in the unrated Cult Epics DVD, at any rate), Viva is a commitment, on many levels. It definitely rides the thin line between eye-rolling performance art and dead-on kitsch, and is probably a tough watch for anyone not accustomed to soul-draining 60's and 70's sexploiters from the bottom of Doris Wishman and Harry Novak's trash barrels. But for freaks like you and I, it's pure z-movie delirium, a dizzy Nyquil cocktail of loony fashions, wall-to-wall nudity, and painful musical interludes. I could watch it everyday. Especially if I had a white shag rug to lounge on, and an endless supply of Dewars and Kents to keep me company.

Boners will most definitely be popped. And they'll be 1972 boners, which are the best kind.

Availability: Viva is available on DVD.

Clip: Viva trailer!

Link: Anna Biller's Website

- Ken McIntyre

Takin' It Off (1985)

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