Back to the Beach (1987)

Back to the Beach (1987)
Directed by Lydell Hobbs
Starring Annette Funicello, Frankie Avalon, Lori Loughlin
Rated PG
USA

"What the hell is a kahuna, anyway? And is it good to have a big one?"

Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon were the stars of the wildly popular Beach Party movies from the early to mid 1960's, and have come to represent the boundless optimism of those post-war boom years. Annette was the top-heavy virgin goddess and Frankie was her surfer-king dreamboy, and their G-rated fantasies were played out on the scorching sands of Malibu Beach to the beat of thumping rock n' roll. But every summer ends, and by the late 60's, Frankie and Annette went their separate ways. Annette's most high profile gig after the beach party movies was as a TV spokeswoman for Skippy peanut butter and Frankie, well who knows? And that's the premise of Back to the Beach. Released at a time when the baby-boomers who came of age in the early 60's were now settling in middle-age and feelign nostalgic for theit idyllic youth, the film presents us with an alternate universe what if: what if Frankie and Annette were actually their characters in the movies, and it was a couple decades later? Where would they be? What would they be doing? Would Frankie still be the king of the beach? And would Annette still fill out a one-piece so perfectly after gulping down all that peanut butter? Let's find out!

It's 24 years since their first beach party together, and Frankie AKA the Big Kahuna and Annette are married and they have an asshole teenager who explains the story so far. His name is Bobby (Damian Slade), and he's dressed more like the leather dude from the Village People, but I think he's supposed to be a punk rocker. Anyway, somewhere after the beach party movies, Frankie had a surfing accident, and he's afraid to go back into the water. Instead, he moved the family to Ohio and now he owns a car dealership. They live in one of those 1950's space-age houses and Annette gobbles peanut butter all day, you know, because of the TV commercials. As our story opens, Bobby is getting his lunch from mom, and he is not happy about what's in it. She's gone completely batty with the goddamn peanut butter. It's all they eat. There's jars stacked everywhere.

So, mom's gone insane, dad's stressed out from work, Junior is on the edge. Time for a vacation! So the family heads to Hawaii!

But first they have to stop off in LA to see their daughter, Sandy. Sandy? We'll find out about her in a minute, first roll the neon 80's credits and the neon 80's Eddie Money theme song! We're gonna catch a ride on a wave all over the world!



At LAX. Annette runs into OJ Simpson, who appears to be in a big hurry. You know, from those commercials. And also because he might've just murdered somebody.

So Sandy (Lori Laughlin) is living with some surfer creep named Michael and she hasn't told her folks yet because dad won't like it. So this surprise visit is really gonna open up a can of worms unless she thinks fast!

Frankie uses Bobby's head to bust the door down, but Mike gets out just in time.

Frankie figures it out though and he and Bobby head out to go find the guy and kill him. On the way, they run into a post-apocalyptic surfer gang, but even though Frankie knocks over their surfboards and goofs on their hair, they let him go. Some gang.

And then Frankie just gives up and they go shopping. Later on, they drop Sandy off at her job at Daddy-o's on their way back to the airport to catch their flight.

Annette insists that they go in because their old pal, Dick "King of Surf" Dale is playing, so what the hell, they go in. Frankie runs into Ed "Kookie" Burns, a reference lost to almost everybody at this point.

Annette gets hit on by some sleazy dude in a mesh shirt, which really pisses Frankie off. He demands they get the fuck out of there, but on their way out, he runs into his old flame Connie Stevens. She starts smooching up on him, and that really throws a monkey wrench into the works.

Turns out she has a Big Kahuna shrine in the bar. That's not too weird, is it?

Connie insists Frankie sings a song before he leaves. And so he does. Frankie and Dick Dale and Connie all rock out to a really terrible, really 80's rendition of California Sun. Dick Dale's hair is fucking crazy in this.



Because of all the carrying-on, they end up missing their flgiht to Hawaii. Annette's pissed and Frankie's pissed, and then he says he's going back to Ohio, and she tells him to fuckin' go, she's staying to hang out with Sandy and have some goodtimes. So Sandy kicks Michael out, and mom and Bobby move in. Sandy is not entirely sure this is the best idea, but what the fuck, she can do better. That guy is no big Kahuna.

Meanwhile, back at Daddy O's, Frankie is having a few drinks, and he notices that the bartender looks very familiar.

Back at Sandy's, they have a goddamn pajama party. More of a lingerie party, really. With dancing and mutant surf punks.

After a long night of drinking, Frankie wakes up in surf shack where, ironically enough, he meets Michael, who gives him the Keith Richards hangover cure (Coca Cola, instant coffee, and Alka Seltzer), and then politely informs him about his intentions for Frankie's daughter.

Frankie's first instinct is to kill him, but he's too hungover, so they try and work things out. Later on, in an unsuspected twist - spoiler alert! - we find out that Michael is Connie's son!

Also, meanwhile, Bobby joins the surfpunk gang. You might think, why would they let a poser like him join? Because he has his dad's American Express gold card! Surf punk partytime!

And then out of nowhere, Annette does a ska tune with Fishbone. It's better than Frankie's song, but the dancing is very complicated.



But listen, forget the dancing, we have three to four relationships to repair here. First off, Frankie finds out Michael paints surfboards, so he agrees to go into business with him. Problem solved there. But how do the fellas patch things up with the girls? Frankie has the solution: beach party. That always worked in 1964! Problem is, the harbormaster won't give out permits for night-time parties on the beach. But Frankie's got a plan. Incidentally, at this point, they're back at Daddy-O's and now Stevie Ray Vaughn is playing with Dick Dale, and his hair is even poofier than it was before.


Hey, that harbormaster looks familiar!

The fellas trick the harbormaster into thinking the party is in his honor, so now it's on! And it's working great! Michael and Sandy get back together, no sweat, But Annette goes looking for Frankie, and he's goofin' around with that housewrecker Connie. To make him jealous, Annette goes matte-screen surfing with Troy-the-asshole.  She looks pretty foxy in her hot pink surfer suit.

Anyways, Frankie fuckin' punches his lights out. Which makes Annette mad, but not really. Then she stomps over to Connie to give her the business, but Connie straightens her out. And also compliments her on her tits. They get mentioned alot in this movie.

So she takes her advice and then they make up and make out and everybody is happy. The end. I mean, it seems like the end, but then Pee Wee Herman shows up and performs Surfin' Bird! The 80's version, so he throws in some "radicals" and "gnarlys".  He's not very good at lip synching. And everybody gets on stage and dances with him! And then he gets on a flying surfboard, and ascends into heaven! What a party, the end.


But wait, can we really end the movie without Frankie getting over his fear and surfing again?

No, we can't, so he tells his goddamn story.

But then the mood is shattered by Bobby, who is now the king of the surf punks, because he bought them all dune buggies. He shows up to the ruin the shindig, but everybody just laughs at him, because he's an idiot. But as Frankie points out, we do have a territorial despute, so they'll have to surf for the beach. Michael versus the surf puhk dude. Except Frankie accidentally breaks Mike's foot, so now they're gonna lose the beach to the creeps unless..unless Frankie can get over his fear and surf again! Can he do it?

Of course not, he's a middle-aged car salesman. They get on the next flight back to Ohio. Fuck the beach.

Or do they? We will not reveal the shocking, but I will say this: the Beaver is involved.

In 1987, this was considered satire. We live in an age of sarcasm and snark and ill-will now, so you can't even tell that they were shooting for 'edgy' here, because at this point, it seems just as good-natured and fun-loving as the original beach party movies did. And that's good, because we need to be reminded once in a while that there is genuine joy out there to be had, and it may only be a conga line away.

Packed with fun cameos and goofy musical interludes and corny gags and good vibes, Back to the Beach is everything you'd hope a Frankie and Annette reunion would be. Except maybe for an Annette wardrobe malfunction. You don't get that. They didn't have those yet in the 80's. Anyway, goodtimes and not a hassle for miles.


- Ken McIntyre

PS: Listen to the MAG gang discuss Back to the Beach on Episode 169 of the Movies About Girls podcast!

She Broke the Toilet

Via Nicci. Thanks for breaking my brain!

-Drew Buzzy

Happy Campers (2001)

Happy Campers
Directed by Daniel Waters
Starring Dominique Swain, Jaime King, Justin Long, Brad Renfro
Rated R 
USA 

“What kind of sick fucky fuck ritual is that?”

I never really understood the teenage camp counselor thing. Why put horny, stoned teenagers in charge of panicky, confused kids? It’s the perfect recipe for childhood trauma. I dunno how anyone survives it. Anyway, that’s the exact premise of Happy Campers: teenage sexcapades and prepubescent bummers. It was written and directed by Daniel Waters, the guy who wrote the classic 80’s teen-angst deathgasm Heathers. Happy Campers is actually the perfect companion piece to that seminal teen flick. It shares the same streak of pitch-black comedy, and is piled just as deep with bizzaro lines, iffy fashion choices,  and a manic ensemble cast of heroic villains and villainous heroes.

Happy Campers follows a group of camp counselors and their pint-sized charges over a six-week stay at Camp Bleeding Dove. Holy fuck, Camp BLEEDING DOVE? That’s a goddamn alarming name.

Anyway, there are many counselors here. So many. There’s Talia (Emily Bergl, the twitchy chick from Carrie II), the snippy, awkward intellectual, here because she’s in love with the camp’s Alpha Male. There’s Adam (Jordan Bridges), the jock asshole. Justin Long is Donald, the nervous geek. Brad Renfro (RIP) is Witchita, the he-dog dude everybody's in love with. Jasper (Keram Malicki-Sanchez) is the cool gay one, Pixel (Jaime King) is the kooky hot one, and Wendy (Dominque Swain, not playing a sourpuss, for once) is the crazed cheerleader. Also on board is Oberon (Peter Stomare), the fascist maniac running the joint who tells campfire stories about sodomizing serial killers to freaked-out 10 year olds. And of course, tons of screamy kids. Good times.

First week: Talia tells Witchita she's in love with him. He tells her to forget it. Pixel teaches the girls how to strip.  Week over.

Week two: Pixel skinny dips.

Wendy wears a bikini. Witchita nails her with a balloon and tries to shove a frog down her pants.  And thusly, our love/lust story begins. Important note: Dominique Swain looks fuckin’ awesome in a bikini.

I mean, seriously awesome.

Also there's a weird fat kid that gets picked on a lot and freaks out if anybody touches him. No word yet on whether he'll go crazy and kill everybody or not.

Wendy and Witchita meet out in the woods to make out. The woods are blue, just like in Heathers!

They almost bone until Oberon shows up. He tries to bust them, but gets electrocuted and is basically a vegetable. Wendy's freaked out by the whole thing and just goes back to being a counselor.

Week 3:  Jasper tries to get something going with Witchita. He's not into it. Everybody wants to bone this guy.

Also, Pixel tries to get something going with Wendy. She's not into it. Not a lot of gay stuff happening at Camp Bleeding Dove.

Wendy's starting to lose her mind, probably from sexual frustration. She gets up in front of the camp during lunch and starts banging on her acoustic guitar like a fuckin’ lunatic. At one point she screams "Isn't fun great?" It's scarier than it sounds.

Then there's a hurricane that almost blows the camp away.  Everybody takes advantage of the break in the action by trying to bone each other, except for Wendy, who gets stung by a bee on purpose to get 'closer' to the campers, and finds out she's seriously allergic to fuckin’ bees and almost dies.

Also, Witchita thinks he might've suddenly found Jesus, because he discovers a childhood photo that they were both in even though they never met. He makes out with her monster face, and then they bone. The end.

Well, it would be, but there's some complications to iron out. First off, it turns out Donald is obsessed with Wendy, and likes to stare at pictures of her while he puts clothes pins on his nipples. Also, Pixel hates Adam the asshole so much she has sex with him while he tortures the fat kid. Also, Oberon escapes to the woods and runs around naked, howling at the moon. I think this is week four, but it's hard to say, since it’s all just a blur of teenage sex at this point.

But then Witchita gets bored with boning Wendy. She has no idea why, so she and Pixel come up with a perfectly teenage plan to figure it out: Pixel is gonna take him out to the woods and offer herself to him. If he takes the bait, he clearly doesn’t care all that much about Wendy. I think that’s the idea? Also, Pixel might just want to bone Witchita. Everybody else does. But anyway, he knows what's up, and after she shows him her boobs, he just saunters off. Then Wendy goes goth and decides to either poison herself or him.

And she’s not the only one that’s bummed out. It’s the last day of camp and everybody's got the blues. Donald especially, since he bought a dozen boxes of condoms, and never even got to have sex with anybody. So, he makes water balloons with the rubbers and rallies the kids and goes to war against the other counselors.

And then Pixel and Wendy make out a little. And everybody learns an important lesson, even the fat kid. Well, maybe not the fat kid, nobody can help him.

Just kidding, he's ok, too.

It’s kind of a head-scratcher why this movie isn’t more well-known, since it seems ripe for cult-flick status. It’s filled with memorable lines (“Are you mad at me for giving the cabin girls new hairdos or teaching the girls how to activate their clitoris?”), there’s a bunch of winking nods to Heathers, the cast is young and pretty, the tone is gleefully venomous, and it’s aggressively sleazy. It might have just been a case of bad timing. Happy Campers was originally released in January of 2001, not the best month for a summer flick, and a few months later, the world had essentially ended, and nobody was in the mood for a summer romp of any kind. Whatever the reason for its flop status, Happy Campers is well worth a second look. It’s funny, mean, messy, weird, and occasionally embarrassing. Just like real summer camp.

- Ken 

Stacey says:
Man, I hated summer camp! I went to day camp every summer until I was in high school (except one, when went to overnight camp for four miserable weeks). While Happy Campers brought back all my horrid summer camp memories... it was also a lot of fun. They really got this one right!  Rumspringa-Woo!

Toxic Avenger Appears in Cloud Form on Democracy Now

So yes, the other day I was catching up on what the Internet had to say about Edward Snowden and I stumbled upon this Democracy Now video where some dude was talking about it and stuff.

I'm not sure how I noticed the clouds but I did. I started seeing what looked like Toxie in one particular cloud and then bam! He formed perfectly into the cloud seen above.

Sure it a rare 'reverse image cloud' but we've all seen reverse Bruce Lee and Samuel Jackson clouds right? The significance of The Toxic Avenger showing up in cloud form on an episode of Democracy Now featuring whistleblower Edward Snowden remains open for speculation for now, but the MAG crew is on the case and America can safely rest tonight.

Summer School Teachers (1974)

Summer School Teachers (1974)
Directed by Barbara Peeters
Starring Candice Rialson, Pat Anderson, Rhonda Leigh Hopkins
Rated R
USA 

'The Student Body Always Scores With The Summer School Teachers!"

Barbara Peeters was one of the very few female exploitation directors of the 70’s. Naturally, she worked for Roger Corman. Her biggest triumph was obviously Humanoids from the Deep, but she made a couple other kooky/cool grinders too: femme-fronted biker flick Bury Me an Angel, starring glamazonian she-warrior Dixie Peabody, and Starhops, a pleasantly insane movie about a diner. She also made this, a pseudo-feminist T&A flick that shares a lot of the themes and plotlines of Corman’s nurse flicks. Unfortunately, it also shares their draggy pace and dreary dialogue, too. But there is one very big bonus: it stars long-lost B-beauty Candice Rialson (RIP), the big-eyed scene stealer from Hollywood Boulevard, Pets, and Chatterbox. Candice’s filmography is painfully slim, so you gotta take your Candy where you can get it. Anyway, here’s what happens.

Holy fuck, I hate fiddles. Let’s ignore the goddamn fiddles on the soundtrack and just enjoy watching gorgeous Tina (Rialson) tear ass down the road in a beat-up pick-up with her hairy hillbilly brothers.

They race to the greyhound station and she hops on a bus for California with her two sexy buds Sally (Pat Anderson, Angel of H.E.A.T., Bonnie’s Kids) and Denise (Rhonda Leigh Hopkins, Cover Girl Models). They’re in Iowa, by the way. It definitely doesn’t look like Iowa. It looks like 20 miles down the road from LA, which is where I'm pretty sure it is.

They all get jobs as...you guessed it, summer school teachers at an LA high school. Dick Miller is Sam, the sexist football coach, as you might expect. Tina is the summer gym teacher for the girls, and it’s her job to whip this bunch of wise ass, cutoffs-wearing hussies in shape. She somehow convinces them all to form an all-girl football team. Good work, Tina.

Denise isn't doing so well teaching her chemistry class. The kids are unruly and rude. Of course, it might be because she says stuff like, "I thought you bohemians were big on intellect." Denise, as you probably already guessed, is the uptight one.

Free-spirited Sally is doing a little better. She's the photography teacher. She gives the kids an assignment: "Photograph something you think is obscene." That should go well.

So, Denise meets with Jeremy (Will Carney), the rebel, after class, to find out why he's such a fuckin’ prick. He tries to make out with her, so she smashes him in the face.

Meanwhile Sally, in a bitching halter top, goes shopping and literally runs into a dude she thinks is a celebrity. Dunno which one. Sonny Bono?

He watches her squeeze melons and, ahem, goes bananas. They make a date.

Meanwhile, there's a school board meeting about the girls’ football team. Sam is against it. Tina is adamant that this is going down whether he likes it or not.  The principal or whoever he is says she can add girls’ football to the curriculum next year if the team wins their first game, which is in a few weeks. I believe we now have the thrust of our plot.

Then she goes home and does jumping jacks on the fire escape, which is a best case scenario if you live next door to Candice Rialson. Unless you try and join in and fall off your fuckin' patio like her fat, dopey neighbor did.

Denise goes down to 'Flukies', the happenin’ burger joint in the neighborhood,  dressed up like one of the Jezebels in Switchblade Sisters. This is her attempt to relate to the kids. While she's there, she sees Jeremy get stabbed in a gang fight! She wraps up his bloody arm and drives him to the hospital in his crazy green dune buggy.

Meanwhile Sally is having her date with the mustache dude, who is apparently a famous rock star. He has a harp festooned with lights that he uses to cut vegetables with. He also has two kooky old ladies who live next door and listen to his conversations. Naturally, they confuse his dinner talk with sex talk. You know, "If you like my meat, you'll love my sauce." Stuff like that.

At one point, he accidentally spills his spaghetti sauce all over Sally’s dress, and she storms out of there. The old ladies poke their head out and faint because they think he banged her into a bloody mess.

Jeremy gets patched up and drives Denise home. They almost make out. She digs the bad boys, I guess. Underage ones. But he might be more of a bad boy then she thought, because the next day he gets suspended for stealing the brakes outta some kid’s car, which almost killed him.

Meanwhile, love is in the air for Tina. She goes out hiking with her new boyfriend and they stop for a picnic. They get loaded on champagne and get naked. Good times. And then she gets right back to business whipping her hotpants harlots into a functional sports team.

Denise thinks Jeremy is just a victim of circumstances, and bones him in his garage in a too-dark 'psychedelic' sex scene while a funky flute jam wails away on the soundtrack.

Sally, meanwhile, goes on a date with one of the other teachers, Bob (the awesomely named Grainger Hines). He takes her to a porn theater and then to a strip club. Classy! But then he takes her to a motorcross race and a drum circle, and they race go karts together. And then they go to to the beach, and then he takes her home for a nude photo shoot. What a day!

Back to the plot, such as it us. The school can't afford uniforms for the girls because Sam, that fuckin’ creep, pays his quarterbacks cold cash every time they score a touchdown. Tina finds this out when one of her girls rats out her boyfriend. If only Sam kept some kind of ledger detailing his shifty practices, and if only Tina could get her hands on it! But that’ll never happen.

Then our heroines all sit around in the kitchen in their bikinis and plan a party. So that's good.

Tina formulates a plan to nail Sam. She goes on a "date" with him and gets him drunk. Naturally, it's all a ruse. The football team all get dressed up in Charlie's Angels outfits and break into his office and get the goods on him. Nice work, team!'

So Tina and her buds have the party, which is really a photography exhibit for Sally’s class, you know, the obscenity thing. But for whatever reason, Sally uses it to show naked photos of Bob. He gets so pissed off that he prints his naked photos of Sally in a skin rag. The principal finds out, and suspends them both. He also doesn't believe Tinas story about Sammy, even though she has proof, so he suspends her, too. So they just sit on a bench together and ponder their fates.

Also, it turns out Jeremy really is being framed, and the principal is in on it - who knows what 'it' is - and he orders a hit on Jeremy. The guy that's supposed to kill him, Slick (one-time actor Brian Enright), looks like 70s James Taylor. Imagine getting murdered by James Taylor?! Jeremy certainly can't, because he busts outta there and they have a dune buggy race. Christ, there's way too much going on here. Suffice to say, the creeps get theirs and the all-girl football game goes on as planned with Coach Tina leading them. Also, because this is a mid 70's Roger Corman film, a bunch of nudists show up.

So what happens? Do they win the game? I dunno, but they do win the pre-game fistfight. You might be asleep by then anyway.

All the elements are in place for Summer School Teachers to be a trashy, fun drive-in crowd pleaser. After all, it’s got the effortlessly sunny and undeniably beautiful Candice Rialson, a gang of rowdy teenage chicks, a healthy dose of nudity, and summer antics. I mean, it’s almost impossible to mess a gig like this up. Yet, somehow, it never quite gets itself together. You’re never really engaged in the plot or the characters, and the whole thing just sorta unspools without consequence. It’s no surprise why this one hasn’t become a cult item like other Corman films of the era – Caged Heat, Big Bad Mama, Death Race 2000, etc – it’s just not very groovy. I gotta give it a ding by default, since all the pieces of the puzzle are there, but it’s honestly about as much fun as actual summer school.

- Ken 

Stacey says:
Hmmm... Summer School Teachers should have been a good time, no question. However, it's a mish-mash of interwoven plots that never seem to get together. It's slow and kind of boring. I found myself not paying much attention at times. Like Ken said, all the elements were there... it could have been fun. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. Ding?