Carry On Camping (1969)

Carry On Camping (1969)
Directed by Gerald Thomas
Starring Sid James, Charles Hawtry, Barbara Windsor
Rated R
UK

"We're going on a lovely nature ramble!"  

Carry On Camping was part of a decades-long series of low-budget British comedies. Directed by Gerald Thomas and produced by Peter Rogers, the films generally lampooned traditional British society and/or stuffier elements of cinema, and were liberally laced with double entendres and gratuitous T&A. The series began in 1958 with military spoof Carry on Sargeant and ended in 1978 with the softcore send-up Carry On Emmanuelle. A stock cast of British comic actors appeared in every film, and included – as this one does – Sid James, Peter Butterworth, Joan Sims, and Barbara Windsor, among others. There were 31 Carry On films in the original series, as well a mid 70’s TV series. In 2003, a boxset of the entire collection was quietly released in the US by Anchor Bay. Still, the Carry On films remain largely unseen and/or unheralded by American audiences. On one hand, it’s easy to see why. These movies, after all, are super British. I mean, Spice World, Eastenders, Upstairs-Downstairs British. They are so British they often seem like an SNL spoof of a British sex comedy, and a good portion of any Carry On film is devoted to sly references to various segments of Brit society that will sail right over American heads. So there’s that. On the other hand, their gleefully destructive sense of humor and dollops of tasty crumpet make for pleasantly dim-witted entertainment, a sort of super-sized Benny Hill with a cast of aging pratfallers tumbling through one disastrous set-up after another. Carry on Camping, produced midway through the series’ run, is widely considered one of the best and most accessible Carry On films.

Two couples are at the cinema, checking out a nudist camp movie. There’s crusty old Sid (Sid James) and uptight Joan (Joan Sims), dimwitted oaf Bernie (Bernard Bresslaw) and squeamish Anthea (Dils Laye). Naturally, the fellas love it. The women, on the other hand, are outraged and sickened by the whole thing, and demand they all leave.

Meanwhile, across town, another couple discuss their impending camping trip. Peter Potter (Terry Scott) is the classic henpecked husband. Harriet (Betty Marsden) is  his braying, self-obsessed shrew of a wife. Harriet never listens to him, so to amuse himself, he says whatever comes into his head. “
“How was work?”
“ I took a bunch of opium and spent my paycheck on prostitutes.”
“Oh, that’s nice dear.”
That kind of thing.

It’s Sid and Bernie’s job to plan this year’s camping trip with the girls. Sid comes up with a plan to go the nudist camp without telling the girls where they’re going. Seems like a can’t-miss maneuver. He and Bermie head over the sporting goods store to grab a brochure for “Paradise Resort”. That was the name of the place in the nudie flick. Also at the sporting goods store is one Charlie Muggens (Charles Hawtry), a Don Knotts type who molests a shopgirl (Hammer girl Valerie Leon) in a tent.

He wants to go camping, too. I get the feeling everybody’s going to run into each other later on.

Then we go to an all-girls school where two of the girls whale on each other in an awesome cat-fight! It turns out the girls are all camping too. Everyone's going camping!

The big day arrives. Sid and Bernie head out to pick up the girls. Joan lives with her judgmental mom, who does not approve of Sid at all. I’m not surprised, seeing as there’s at least a 20 year gap in age between Sid and Joan. Anyway, Bernie almost gives up the game, but so far, the girls have no idea what the fellas have planned.

The ride up to the county  mostly yelling and puking and hurt feelings.

So the fellas finally make it to Paradise Camp and get extorted by the owner, Mr. Fiddler (Peter Butterworth). Of course now the girls are hip to what's happening – or at least what they think is happening - and demand to go home, but the men won't hear of it, so they press on. But once they get to the campgrounds, they find out they've made a terrible mistake – it's just a regular camp. No nudity allowed, even. Plus, it starts to pour as soon as they get there!

Meanwhile, Peter and Harriet finally find a decent place to camp after Peter  has a run in with a bull and then gets an ass full of buckshot courtesy an angry farmer. Peter settles in for a well-deserved rest after his trying day, but then Mr Muggins wanders by, and Harriet lets him stay in the tent with them. Old-timey ass-on-fire physical comedy hilarity ensues as they all try to fit into the tiny tent.

Also meanwhile, the school girls are staying at a hotel for the night and getting into all kinds of pranks and antics! Mostly they try to get their matronly headmistress, Miss Haggard (Hattie Jacques) to hook up their obviously gay headmaster Mr. Soaper (Kenneth Williams).

The most mischievous girl in class, Babs (Barbara Windsor), switches some door numbers so that Soaper ends up in bed with Miss Haggard. He’s appalled, but she’s in love.

Back at Paradise camp, Sid and Bernie learn an important lesson: don't put your inflatable raft in your tent. It won't end well. Also, don’t put your aching feet in your girlfriend’s pot of boiling stew.  Just when they've had enough of this awful trip, the busload of schoolgirls show up. So what the hell, might as well stay awhile! Muggins shows up, too. He was hitchhiking and got picked up by  the bus. The Potters soon arrive, as well. Now the whole gang is at Paradise Camp!

And then Soaper leads the girls for some sexy exercises. Babs tops flies right off! Goodtimes.

Afterwards, he plans on taking them on a “Nature ramble”. First, though, shower scene! It plays out sorta like the Porky's scene, only without the boobs and penises. Soaper gets a suggestive load of toothpaste in the eye, though.

Meanwhile, Peter Potter wanders off to get drunk by himself. Another schoolgirl, Jane (Elizabeth Knight) shows up – she pretended she was sick to get out of visiting a boring old  monastery – and gives Peter an offer he can't refuse

Boning the young chippy gives him the shot of self-confidence he needs to toss out Mr. Muggins and then give his wife a little of the ol' slap and tickle.

Sid and Bernie sneak off to the monastery disguised as monks so they can make plans with Babs and Fanny (Sandra Caron).  He looks just like the Cryptkeeper from Tales of the Crypt, it's awesome. Then they sneak back to prepare for the evening's activities.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a crowd of hippies show up for a dance party and a performance by the Flowerbuds! Everybody's having a groovy time, but the campers are annoyed and want the racket to stop, so the fellas devise a sinister plan, and they end up blowing up the band’s equipment. By the way, the Buds are supposed to be playing rock music, but the music on the soundtrack is lounge-pop with an orchestra.

So that's it. The trip's over. Nobody gets laid. Or do they?

Haha, no everybody gets laid!

Despite being a low-budget, low-brow sex comedy, Carry on Camping was the biggest grossing film in England in 1969 and even played in theaters in the US. As mentioned, it is often considered to the best of the Carry On films. Although this really makes me dread running into the worst of the series, I still found CoC to be an entertaining little romp. As you by now expect from any Britcom, everybody’s miserable, uncomfortable and unsatisfied, and all the washed-out, gray and mud-soaked shots of the campgrounds make camping seem even less appealing then it usually does. None of the characters shamelessly lusting after one another are age-appropriate, the ‘psychedelic’ band is the least psychedelic thing I’ve ever seen, and Barbara Windsor’s kooky pile of hair and ill-fitting short-shorts were more odd-looking than alluring. Throw in a barrage of double entrendes so relentless in their execution that even the cast of Three’s Company would balk at the script, and you’ve got a grubby little winner on your hands. Based on Camping, I’d definitely be into delving deeper into the Carry On series. As the British often say – at least in the head of Americans who’ve never been to the UK – Carry on Camping is a jolly good show. Pip pip, and all that.


- Ken McIntyre

Breaking All The Rules (1985)

Breaking all the Rules (1985)
Directed by James Orr
Starring Carl Marotte, Carolyn Dunn, Rachel Hayward
Rated R
Canada

"Just relax. And be heavy."

I would just like to say that even though I very much enjoy films that take place in amusement parks (Carny, The Funhouse, Rollercoaster, etc), I never liked actually going to them. I get terrible motion sickness, so the rides are out, and the goddamn games are clearly rigged. I remember spending hours in the summer of ’81 trying to win a Black Sabbath Heaven and Hell mirror at one of those booths where you shoot water in a clown’s mouth until the balloon pops and the balloon never fucking popped, no matter how much I tried to drown the clown. And most of the time you win something that’s impossible to lug around successfully anyway, like a giant banana or a goldfish. Also, how are you supposed to meet girls there? You don’t look very cool puking or lugging around a banana. But I digress. Breaking All The Rules is a fun, frothy teen romp made in Canada by an innocuous director known mostly, if at all, for writing Three Men and a Baby and Sister Act 2. He’s clearly not into confrontational or controversial filmmaking, and you are not gonna get it here. What you do get is an hour and a half of breezy summer fun and a couple fetching young Canadian lasses to ogle. Which is alright with me.

You should know at the beginning that there's a raffle going down in a few days at the Fun Park. The  winner gets a $50,000 diamond, which I can’t really see happening, even at a funpark in Canada in the mid 80's. Our hero, Jack (Carl Marotte, who was probably 25 at the time, but has the muggy face of an old Jewish comedian from the Vaudeville days), works at the park as a maintenance man, and often spends a good portion of his morning fantasizing about all the chicks he'd bang if he had that diamond. He should have been paying more attention because  on this fateful day, a trio if slimeball thieves – a fat stooge, a butchy chick in stretchpants, and a ringleader who looks just like Wile E Coyote - steal the fuckin' diamond. The alarm goes off, so they sew it into the belly of a stuffed mouse and tack it up at one of the midway games, planning on getting it later. I know, that's an idiot fuckin’ idea, but that's the way we did things in the 80's.

But never mind all of that, because its the last day of the summer, and Jack is determined to make the most of it. Across town, so does Debbie (Carolyn Dunn), a ridiculously hot blonde from the upscale side of town who is having an identity crisis. Later on it will be somewhat important to know she's wearing "I Love U" underwear, which is why we meet her ass first. No complaints here.

Anyway, Jack sees her flashing her panties in the street and is smitten, but at the time he's accidentally crashing some stranger’s car, so who knows if he'll ever see her again?

After the car accident – he accidentally runs over the diamond thief - Jack buys a dicknose mask from his favorite joke shop and then heads over to his buddy David's house to cheer him up.

David (Thor Bishopric) is kind of a drip.

Meanwhile, we meet Angie (Rachel Hayward) and her perky Canadian boobs.

She eventually gets dressed and heads out to meet Debbie, who chopped off her hair and is now sporting the most 80's fake punk look imaginable.

All four end up on the bus and they're all into each other, although really the girls are both into Jack and he has no idea the phony punk chick is the I Love U underwear girl. And anyway, they blow it on the bus because they're all teenage idiots. So what the hell, they go to Fun Park. Its got an “F and U and K in it”, after all.

Cue the amusement park antics montage over the title AOR jam by one Paul Booth. it's pretty awesome/horrible, as Canadian AOR jam soften are.

For some reason this fun park has a burlesque show, so Jack takes David backstage to see some boobs. Then they climb down a drain under a water fountain so they can see up girls' skirts. Good times.

Jack goes to see his boss Charlie (Walter Massey) to get his last check. Charlie’s guzzling booze because somebody stole the fuckin’ diamond and now he might have to go out of business. Clearly, it’s up to Jack to save the day. But first, you know, chicks.

The fellas run into Debbie and Angie again and Jack wows ‘em by winning stuffed mice for both of them. Guess which one Debbie gets? The guys think they’ve got this one in the bag, but Angie has a sudden change of heart and gives them both the kiss-off. So wait, you can’t win a girl’s heart with ugly stuffed animals? Alert all men immediately.

Oh hey, remember the rat-faced jewel thief and his motley crew? They're back. And they want that mouse. But which one is the right one? How did this foolproof plan go awry? Fuck it, they just buy them all and start tearing them open, looking for the diamond. And they can't find it! So they skulk around the park, snatching every stuffed mouse they see and ripping it open.

Meanwhile, things are not going well in the summer romance department. Angie's with Jack, and she hates him. Debbie's with David, and she hates him. It's a summer bummer. Eventually they figure out their incompatibility issues and Jack finally gets to make out with somebody. Debbie's down to bone him right there, behind a tree, but it turns out he doesn't actually know how to have sex. That’s weird. Don’t they have health class in Canada?  To be fair, he’s supposed to be 16. He just looks 37. Plus, his zipper’s broke.  Debbie tries to open it with her teeth. Jack is in way over his head with this kooky chick.

Meanwhile, David and Angie ride the merry go round and lament the fact that they're both  virgins. They're actually having a pretty good time until her old boyfriend Vince, you know, the football king or whatever, shows up and snatches her away. Bummer, dude.

But wait, then she comes back! And so do the goodtimes. Thank Christ. Cue amusement park antics montage number two.

Oh yeah, the diamond. Debbie hits the bad guy in the face with her mouse for threatening Angie and David, and the diamond tumbles to the ground. Jack grabs it and takes off with Debbie, the jewel thieves hot on their trail. As they climb up the fire escape of a building to get away, Jack sees Deb’s underwear and realizes she's the same girl from this morning! Swoon! But then they fall off the fuckin’ building and they both die. The end.

No, they land on a trampoline and haul ass out of there. Why is there a trampoline next to the building? Fun Park, motherfucker!

I dunno what happens, the bad guys get the diamond again somehow, and Jack gets arrested for the crime. It’s up to mousy David and the girls to get the diamond back from the creeps and clear their bud’s name and save Charlie's bacon using every Scooby Doo-esque amusement park gag you can think of.

Do they do it? Maybe. Probably. I'll tell you this much: breakdancing is involved. And balloons and confetti and making out. But that was always happening in 1985, even at funerals or executions.

As hazy and breezy as day at the beach, Breaking All the Rules is aided greatly by the easy charm of its four young leads and the dreamy backdrop of the amusement park with all its bells, whistles, calliopes, and clopping merry-go-round horses. Even with the shoe-horned diamond thieves’ subplot, it rides on a wave of sunny optimism. You know from the first frame that everything’s gonna turn out alright, and everyone’s gonna get laid. This is the sort of summer adventure you always hope to have. It’s not the one you’ll get – I mean, nobody even fuckin’ sweats in this movie – but, you know, don’t stop believin’.

Not liking this move is like not liking boobs or ice cream, it’s just impossible. Ding!

- Ken 

Stacey says:
This movie is a lot like cotton candy... sweet, light and fluffy. A crazy 80's caper, antics, bad haircuts and good times for all (except the diamond thieves). Ding!

Blood Beach (1980)

Blood Beach (1980)
Directed by Jeffrey Bloom
Starring John Saxon, Burt Young, Marianna Hill, Lena Pousette
Rated R 
USA

"Real men don't believe in monsters."

Man, I've been waiting to see this movie for decades. The poster, the tag line (“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…you can’t get to it!”) hell, even the title is exploitation gold. No wonder, really, since it was a late in the game grinder from Jerry "I Drink Your Blood" Gross. So, can the movie possibly live up to the hype? Of course it cannot. Not even close. Not a bit. Directed by the redoubtable Jeffrey Bloom (ugh, Starcrossed), Blood Beach bucks the early 80’s gore trend and shoots for a 50’s style creature-feature, complete with all the tedium, stiff dialogue, and murky photography you’ve come to love/loathe from those creaky monster flicks.

Lady out walking her dog gets sucked into the sand. By who? Or what? Who knows, but a trio of beach cops, including the dude from Rocky, Burt Young, are on the case. The dead lady's daughter Cathy (Marianna Hill, Messiah of Evil) drops by to pick up her mom's dog. She used to date Harry (David Huffman), the main beach cop, and the ostensible hero of our story, many moons ago. They have a monotone conversation that goes like this: "You look different, Cathy." "You do too, Harry." Anyway, she's gonna stick around in the off chance that her mom is just missing, and not in the belly of a beach monster.

Cathy wanders around on the beach when a crazy shopping cart lady tells her that her mom was raped and murdered and buried under the sand. And then she cackles and wanders off, squeaky shopping cart wheel and all. You know the type. Cathy is naturally shook up, but she continues  searching for her mom’s dog, who won't stay outta the hole Cathy’ s mom got sucked into. Meanwhile, Harry's at home, boning his stewardess girlfriend Marie (Lena Pousette), who keeps her hair in a very intricate bun. Life goes on, man.

Anyway, the stupid fuckin’ dog get his head ripped off. Which is what happens when you keep sticking it in a murder hole. Next day, a bunch of bikini chicks are on the beach, burying one of their buds in the sand. Naturally, she starts to get eaten by whatever is under the sand. Luckily, everybody rallies and yanks her outta there, leaving her with legs covered in spaghetti sauce.

And then John Saxon, who is the police chief or something, decides to take action. He hires a bunch of bulldozers to dig up the beach. Meanwhile, Burt Young is ranting about how it's not something under the beach, it's the "goddamn American Nazi party." Seems valid.

There’s a stoner harbor patrol night watchman in this movie, too. Why wouldn’t there be? Later that evening, his girlfriend drops by for a visit. When she splits, he tells to go straight home and don't make any stops. So what does she do? She sees an injured bird under the pier and she fucking stops to check it out. A goddamn rapist jumps outta nowhere and tears her shirt off, but before he can get any further, he gets sucked into the sand and there's nothin' left but jelly. By the way, that’s the only nudity in the movie, one raped boob.

And then Marie, on her way to Harry's for dinner and sexytime, takes a shortcut through the beach and meets her bitter end in the sand. Goodnight, sexy stewardess. Harry figures he's been stood-up, and pays Cathy a visit. He finds out she's getting divorced. He's still hung up on her, so this is good news. And now his girlfriend is dead, so, you know, serendipity.

Next day, Harry goes looking for clues in the basement of a mystery shack on the beach where he used to hang out with Cathy when they were kids – seriously - and sees something in the cracks, but it's so fucking dark that who knows what it is. Honestly, it's like ten minutes of this fucker rooting around in pitch black darkness.  And then he takes Cathy out to see Barbara Mandrell or somebody and then they go home and fall in love. Big day for Harry, a painful eternity for you and me.

Meanwhile, Blood Beach Mania is taking hold. The press is all over the place and folks are reporting sightings of "the creature of Blood Beach" by the hundreds, all of which sound insane. And then, a break in the case! One of the guys who got sucked into the sand emerges from a manhole, still alive! Now he can tell us what the hell is going on!

No, wait, he's got severe brain damage and his tongue is missing. Never mind.

Cathy decides to dig around in the shack too, only she uncovers a pile of dead bodies and severed heads and whatnots. Pretty bad day for Cathy. John Saxon decides their best bet is to just blow the whole fuckin’ shack, and whatever's in, it to smithereens.

They set up the explosives and wait. The whole town gathers. And then...

Well, I'll give Blood Beach this much. I had no idea what was under the sand until it showed me. The problem is, I still didn't after it did. Well, I kinda did, but it definitely wasn’t worth the wait. Blood Beach is severely hampered by a glacial pace, stiff acting (except for Ward and Saxon, who are their usually weird/awesome selves), lame dialogue, no nudity or gore (despite an R rating) and a “monster” that’s about as scary as a trip to the florist. Blood Beach? More like Bummer Beach, amirightpeople? Blah Beach. Lame. Buzz.

- Ken 

Stacey says:
Wow, what a snore-fest! This movie is super slow, really boring and the dialogue is like listening to some strangers try to make awkward conversation.  The characters are all one-dimensional. I didn't care what happened to any of them, except the cute dog.  I was hoping there would be some weird twist at the end to save it... No such luck.  This one gets the buzzer... Bzzzz.