Bionic Woman (1976)

Bionic Woman Season 1 Episode 6: Bionic Beauty
Directed by Alan Crosland, Jr. 
Starring Lindsay Wagner, Richard Anderson, Bert Parks 

Jaime Somers (Lindsay Wagner) was a tennis star who got in a skydiving accident and so they decided to make her bionic.  And then, since they paid so much to make her bionic (probably not as much as the Six Million Dollar man, maybe $80,000, something like this), they forced her to become a superspy to pay off the debt. I think that's how it worked. Anyway, the Bionic Woman started out on the Six Million Dollar Man, but in 1976, she got her own series. It ran for three seasons, from 1976 to 1978. It was a staple for all 70's kids, really, although it was never as popular as the Six Million Dollar Man. Probably  because Jaime never fought Bigfoot, like Steve Austin did. Anyway, in the first season, Jaime was always pining after Steve, and there were a few crossovers episodes. She was also still coming to terms with her newfound strength, so she broke stuff a lot. There was a basic formula that the show followed pretty religiously: Jaime goes undercover somewhere, the gig requires some goofy or sexy outfit, and she solves some very simple,  cartoony crime. And along the way, she breaks stuff.

At the beginning of the show, Jaime is puttering around at home, bringing a tree stump upstairs to karate chop into firewood, when her boss Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) shows up and starts buttering her up about what a beauty she is. Uh oh, sounds like a new assignment is afoot!

So Oscar gets a weird note from an agent about Miss Florida winning the Miss USA pageant. Just a hunch, but Oscar thinks there's trouble brewing. The only way to crack the case, naturally, is for Jaime to pose as Miss California and infiltrate the pageant. Make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to Jaime, though. Why not just call the agent and ask him what the fuck he's talking about?

Because he's fuckin' dead, Jaime. That's why.

Now we've got a story! Roll credits! By the way, I am disappointed with the Bionic Woman theme. I feel they could have worked harder on it.

So Jaime's at the hotel unpacking, rapping with her chaperone, Helen - is it her mom? Her aunt? Anyway, it's stuffy, so she opens the window, but she does it with such force, it shatters! Comic relief.

Later on Ray Raymond (Bert Parks, AKA the real Miss USA host!) does a little speech about their schedules and tells them all they have to pair off into little groups. Guess who's in Jaime's group? That's right, Miss Florida (Cassie Yates, who looks a lot like Lara Flynn Boyle)! And she's super mean.

Miss Florida walks away with Ray Raymond and Jaime listens in on them with her bionic ear. They've got some deal going. She'll win if she does what Ray wants. But what does Ray want? Even she doesn't know!

Now it's time for the talent portion of the show. One of the girls twirls a baton that's on fire. She's never twirled one on fire before. Seems like you'd practice a few times before the show.

Anyway, while that's going on, Jaime calls Oscar and ask if the Six Million Dollar man has been asking about her. C'mon Jaime, be professional.

And then Jaime sings Feelings! THE WHOLE SONG.

After her performance, the stage manager talks to Ray Raymond about how he saw Jaime making a phone call. Ray's not worried, though. Or is he?

He sort of is.

That night, Jaime jumps out the window and follows Ray around. He gets into a car with a satan-bearded guy and they talk about the plan. He's going to pass Miss Florida a package and after he declares her the winner, she'll take it with her on her private jet to Paris, where she'll hand it off to some other dude. The perfect crime! Except...nobody counted on Jaime's bionic ear picking up the whole sinister plan!

Here's the problem, though. It's bed check time, and Jaime's still out skulking around. She tries to make it back unnoticed, pretending she was in the shower the whole time, but vindictive Miss Florida gets her busted and Miss Belding grounds her.

Jaime tries to send Helen out to tell Oscar what's going on,  but she fucks it up and ends up confined to the room as well. But even with her bumbling, Helen helps Jaime figure out what's going on. Miss Florida is going to bring some stolen microchip or whatever, some spy gizmo, to an agent in Paris. Jaime gets so excited when she figures it out she smashes a table!

Finally, we get to the bathing suit portion of the pageant. It's pretty good. Jaime figures she's not going to get picked, so she can slink away and call Oscar, but then there's an upset, and she makes the finals!

By the way, during these scenes, they cut away to the audience and it's an audience from 1956.

After she puts on her evening gown for the final portion of the pageant, Jaime wanders around backstage picking up more bits of information. But the stage manager finds her and chloroforms her! Then he and Ray drag her downstairs and tell Miss Belding she's all drugged out.

So then they dump her on a couch and shoot her full of knockout juice and leave her there. Then Ray announces that she's sick, and won't be in the pageant. Oscar hears the announcement and rushes over there. Meanwhile, Jaime wakes up and starts bashing in doors like it's nobody's business. She's got to let Oscar know what's up, but how?

Well, she walks right onto the stage and stupid fucking Ray gives her a microphone. That's how! Jaimie blurts out the whole plan to millions of people!

The pageant continues. Oscar's rushing to the scene. The stage manager hands Ray a gun, presumably to kill everybody, if that's what it takes. Miss Florida and Miss California are the last two finalists. What happens next?

Well, cracking under the pressure, Ray pulls out the gun and shoots himself, right there on stage.

No, that's not what happens. Jaime gets crowned Miss California and Ray whispers to her not to make any sudden moves or they'll snuff Helen. And then they all head to the parking garage where Jaime fights a car in slow motion. And then Oscar shows up, and the bad guys are busted.

But hey, where was the goddamn microchip?

Turns out it was in Miss Florida's vagina the whole time.

No, really it was in Miss USA's scepter or magic wand, whatever it's called.

And then, we all laugh.

The end!

I have not seen this show since 1976, when I was seven years old. At the time, I remember being mostly unimpressed. I think this is because I did not find Miss Wagner attractive. I was more of Lynda Carter guy at age 7. I still am, really, but now I can also appreciate Lyndsay's beauty. So, it's got that going for it. Also, the special effects are terrible. Sub-Incredible Hulk, even. And I like that. I like how stupid the plot is, and how much mugging the supporting cast does. I've watched this episode three times this week, and I enjoyed it more each time. I cannot sit here and tell you that the Bionic Woman is a good show, because it is not. But I can tell you that it's really fun and goofy, and it's about as 70's as anything I've ever seen. Two bionic thumbs up!

- Ken McIntyre

Lucky (2011)

Directed by Gil Cates, Jr. 
Starring Ari Graynor, Colin Hanks
Rated R
USA

"It smells like dead bodies in here, but you'll get used to it pretty quick." 

Ben (Colin Hanks, AKA Tom's good son) is a quiet, nebbishy nobody working in a law firm alongside his childhood friend and lifelong crush,  Lucy (Ari Graynor, Nick and Norah, Whip It), who routinely rebuffs his romantic advances, and who happens to be sleeping with the office stud/asshole. Ben still lives with his mother (Ann-Margret), and he can't even figure out how to use the xerox machine. Ben's having a bad life. That is, until one day when mom calls him at work and tells him to come home right away. He does, assuming there's some medical emergency to attend to, but when he get there, he finds out he's just hit the lottery, for $36 million dollars! Very soon after, Lucy rethinks her feelings toward Ben. What a turnaround! Now Ben's rich, and he's got the girl of his dreams! What could possibly go wrong?

Well, there's a slight problem. As it turns out, Ben is a serial killer. He's got a bunch of dead girls stuffed in a freezer in his mom's basement. In fact, the winning lottery ticket actually belonged to one of his victims.

But hey, that's a situation for another day. Charmed by his suddenly-bulging pockets, Lucy agrees to marry Ben. After a lavish wedding and lots of equally lavish spending sprees, the two head off to Hawaii for their honeymoon. Midway through the trip, after arguing with Lucy about money (he's blowing it too quickly), Ben chances upon a pretty blonde hotel housekeeper and bashes her skull in. You know, to let off some steam. Lucy happens to catch him the act, although he doesn't know she's there. As soon as the coast is clear, Lucy calls the cops and gets him arrested. The end.

No, she doesn't. She rolls the body into a sheet and throws it into a volcano. 36 millions bucks is 36 million bucks, man.

The couple return from their trip and move into their new palatial state. Lucy tries her best to just enjoy being filthy rich and not dwell on the whole cold-blooded murder thing. But one evening, while in the throes of sweet (fully-clothed) lovemaking, Lucy catches a police report about three missing women in their neighborhood, and comes to the startling conclusion that they - and the woman at the hotel - all look a lot like her. Is Ben serial-killing Lucy surrogates every chance he gets? Yep. Probably currently assuming that her homicidal maniac husband is also an idiot, Lucy heads over to mom's house and digs around in the backyard until she finds the dead bodies. Then she digs them up and puts them in her car to find a safer place to stash them.

That's around the time when her mind pretty much snaps. It is also around this time when Columbo-esque detective Harold Wayman (Jeffrey Tambor) starts putting the pieces of this bizarre puzzle together.

Things get weird from there, as they often do in these sorts of circumstances.

So, here's the thing: Gaynor and Hanks are so effortlessly likeable that you never buy into this  murder business for minute. You're really just thinking how awesome it would be to have a sleepover in a treehouse with them. I mean, they could be doing just about anything, and you'd have fun watching them. So ok, killing people, whatever. Good times.

- Ken McIntyre 

Twentieth Century (1934)

Directed by Howard Hawks 
Starring Carole Lombard, John Barrymore
Unrated 
USA

"I never thought I should sink so low as to become an actor."

Oscar Jaffee (John Barrymore) is a raving lunatic. He's also a hotshot Broadway producer. Twentieth Century opens with Oscar berating the cast of his latest production, especially young, fledgling actress Mildred Plotka (Carole Lombard), who he was sensibly renamed Lily Garland. Garland can't really act, but she's young and beautiful, and Oscar knows he can make her a star if he screams at her enough and pokes her in the ass with a pin when she's supposed to cry. So he does both of those things, over and over.

Amazingly, it works, and we fast-forward a few years. Lily and Oscar are the toast of Broadway. They are rich, famous, and miserable. Somewhere along the line, they developed a (very) dysfunctional romantic relationship, and now it's disintegrating in a loud and messy fashion. She wants to wear slinky dresses and go out dancing; he wants her to stay home and amuse him. So, they scream at each other and he threatens to throw himself out a window. He does that a lot. She encourages him to get it over with. He chickens out. This goes on for quite some time.

Eventually, Lily wises up and splits town. She moves to Hollywood and makes it big in the moving pictures. Meanwhile, without his star, Oscar's theater goes bankrupt. His team - two berserk drunks - know the only way to get out of debt and climb back on top is to get Lily back. Oscar says he'd rather die, but then again, he says shit like that all the time. Due to various kooky circumstances, Oscar and Lily both end up on the same train, along with their respective loony entourages. Oscar tries every dirty trick he can conjure - and his sleeve is jammed full of 'em - to get her to sign a contract. And she does everything she can - including kicking him in the chest, repeatedly - not to. As the train rattles on, the two battle it out, each intent on getting their way, whether they have to kill themselves - or each other - to do it.

Director Howard Hawks, the crackerjack visionary behind the classic Bringing Up Baby, is firing with both barrels in this hilarious, over-the-top screwball comedy. Barrymore's Oscar is completely nuts, a twitching, wild-eyed madman with a tangled head of hair that looks more and more like Medusa as time goes on. At various points during the film, he wears a cape and fakes a broken arm, which makes him look like Bela Lugosi's goofy twin brother, thirsty for contracts, not blood. And his dialogue - delivered with all the conviction of an asylum inmate - is amazing. Once you hear him dismiss a colleague, which he does many, many time here, with his signature line ("I close the iron door on you!"), you may never end an argument in a sensible fashion ever again. The point is, John Barrymore is incredible in this.

Likewise his costar. Gorgeous and thoroughly modern and just as crazy as her sparring partner, Carole Lombard is the perfect parody of every entitled, self-deluded actress from then til now. The 1930's were a great decade for women in the movies, and many of the films made in that era featured fearless, empowered ladies with acid tongues and fists of fury. Lily Garland, despite her hysterics, definitely fits that bill. Lombard brings her to vibrant, roaring life.

Classic stuff, really. It zips along at breakneck speed, a blur of screaming, fighting, and laughs galore. Slinky blonde Lombard's a stunner (as is Billie Seward, as Oscar's stoic secretary), and Barrymore's punch-drunk producer is unforgettable. It may be almost 80 years old, but Twentieth Century has not lost any of its luster over the decades. Highly recommended.

- Ken McIntyre