Spider Baby (1968)

Written and directed by Jack Hill
Starring Lon Chaney Jr., Jill Banner, Beverly Washburn, Sid Haig, Emily Howe and Quinn K. Redeker
Unrated
USA

"Seductive innocence of Lolita...savage hunger of a black widow!" 

Spider Baby is a mess of a movie if you want to get technical about it. But trust me, you don't. This drive-in gem's shortcomings are largely overshadowed by what can only be described as pure charm. Spider Baby is clearly the product of a labor of love, which in my opinion is what separates it from the ridiculous Ed Wood comparisons it has unjustly received in the past. Thankfully I'm not alone as any Google search will reveal.

There's something so good about Spider Baby at times you easily forget it's a horror comedy altogether. The performances are top notch and the characters themselves are so instantly endearing I find myself wondering why Spider Baby isn't mentioned in film school 101. I hadn't seen this film is some ten years or so and I have to say despite the slightly misplaced humor and choppy cinematography, this film has aged quite well. It's cult status is clearly secure, but perhaps it's time to bump this classic up to required viewing. At least amongst MAG followers.

The film centers around the surviving members of the Merrye Family and Bruno, the caretaker who for some reason is devoted to the three, shall we say, demented adult children. Mom and Dad are clearly dead and the gruesome foursome, along with a few unseen aunts and uncles, live in seclusion in a dilapidated mansion that only The Musters would be jealous of.

We learn pretty quickly that Virginia is the bad one. The spider baby. But when her sister Elizabeth walks in and finds that Virginia has killed a hapless mailman, we learn she's not so good either. Instead of  screaming "Holy Jesus Motherfucking Christ" she simply frowns and says "Bruno is going to be mad".

And indeed he is mad. Sort of. Maybe sad is a better word. At any rate no form of punishment is doled out beyond making the girls clean up the blood as he disposes of the body, which he does by lowering it down to the basement (remember the unseen uncles and aunts?).

Ralph, the older brother finds the package the mailman was delivering and gives it to Bruno and now after this insane character development, we find our plot. It turns out the Merrye family is worth a lot of money and some distant cousins are wanting to cash in on the estate. And they're coming tonight for a visit!

Bruno does his best when the guests arrive. He politely explains to them(and to us finally)that the children are retarded due to inbreeding and that's why they don't go to school and stuff. During dinner, which consists of a cat Ralph killed and gross looking vegetables, Bruno further explains that the family line has a degenerative disease and he slightly hints at cannibalism, at least to the audience, which I assume was supposed to remember the people in the basement at this point. The film was originally titled Cannibal Orgy which at least  explains the lyrics in the theme song and some of the rather vague dialogue.

From here the movie gets dark and strange...

 Some die.....

.....and some don't. I wont ruin the ending for you, although it's not much of a surprise that things don't turn out well.

Spider Baby plays like David Lynch directing a 1964 PG version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's also at least to my knowledge one of the earliest horror films to feature a demented family unit as its protagonist, a concept that would go on to be a horror plot line staple in the years to come. It's worth repeating here how well this film stands up 44 years after it's initial release. Flaws and all, Spider Baby comes highly recommended.

- Drew

Gothic & Lolita Psycho (2010)

AKA Psycho Gothic Lolita
AKA Gosurori shokeinin
Directed by Go Ohara
Starring Rina Akiyama, Misaki Momose
Unrated
Japan

“I've come to execute you.”

Yuki (Rina Akiyama) celebrates her 16th (?) birthday with mom and dad. The first sign of trouble is that  their little party takes place in an all-white room and they're wearing all-white clothes. Something tells me things are about to get messy. Sure enough, a gang of black-cloaked martial artists/occultists burst through the door in a slow-mo fury, paralyzing dad, smashing Yuki in the face, and crucifying mom to the wall while her family watches. Ouch.

Cut to: sometime later. Yuki is now dressed wearing an black lolita ensemble. Her dad (a priest, incidentally) is in a wheelchair. He hands her an umbrella with a sword tip, and sends her off to execute the thugs that murdered her mom.  And that's what she does, one by one. In between the bouts of bloody revenge, the story of why this all happened is slowly teased out. Hint: mom isn't exactly what she appeared to be.

About 90% of Lolita is fighting, which leaves little time for characterization or nuance or even logic, so don't expect a gripping story. Also, like a lot of Japanese gore flicks, Lolita is a low-budget affair, but they make up for it with stylistic excess: lots of cartoony lighting, firehoses of arterial bloodspray, soft-focus, slow motion, etc. That being said, the film isn't gooey and disgusting like Tokyo Gore Police, for example, and it's not all that slapsticky, either. It mostly harkens back to 70's Pinky Violence films, and often resembles a micro-budgeted Kill Bill, especially during the extended battle with eye-patch sprting sniper Lady Elle (Misaki Momose). Elle might be the most enthralling - yet incredibly annoying- Japanese villainess I've ever seen. She yammers and giggles in a sing-songy chipmunk voice while she sprays bullets willy-nilly with her twin knife-guns (!). Halfway through her battle-to-the-death with Yuki, she gets a phone call from her boyfriend. Turns out, one of the guns is also a cell phone. She takes the call, while continuing her gunfight.

As for our girl Yuki, at some point she trades in her umbrella-sword for an umbrella-machine gun, but mostly she Karates everybody to death. That is, until the hair-raising climax, when Lolita suddenly shifts into an 80's Italo-horror flick, with demons and guillotines and latex abuse and fog machines galore.

If Gothic & Lolita Psycho was not one of many Japsplatter flicks, if it was a just a one-off anomaly, it would blow your fuckin' mind. I mean, this is one seriously caffeinated movie, featuring a sexy heroine in a black-leather babydoll outfit chopping fools heads off in showers of bloody mayhem. But the fact is, you've seen it a dozen times already. Even director Ohara has sifted through this material before with 2008's Geisha vs Ninjas. But if you're alright with a rehash, then good times await you, because this is almost non-stop mayhem. Someday it may be worth examining how and why culture has gurgled so far down the drain that 90 minutes of decapitations eqaul an enthusiastic thumbs-up, but not today. Today is my day off, so fuck it. Thumbs up!

PS: In Japan, Akiyama is known as “Bishiri no Joo”, the “Queen of the Beautiful Ass”. That's her main gig, showing that thing off in magazines and whatnots, and her ass-model status was featured heavily in the promotion of the film. So it seems like a serious oversight when, aside from one brief flash of her black leather panties, you never actually catch a glimpse of it in Gothic & Lolita Psycho. I mean, if that's the main reason I bought it in the first place (ahem), I would be sorely disappointed. Luckily, the internet is pretty generous with its Bishiri no Joo collection, so here's a few pics to lessen the pain.

- Ken McIntyre

Dark Horse (2012)

Directed by Todd Solonz
Starring Jordan Gelber, Selma Blair, Christopher Walken, Mia Farrow
Unrated
USA 

"Nobody cares."

First of all, the trailer to this film is a total snow job. Makes it look like an awkward/dysfunctional rom-com about two semi-lovable losers. Dark Horse is not that. It's actually a non-linear psychodrama about god-knows-what. I'm not sure why I expected anything different from Todd Solonz. He's never gonna make another Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, Dark Horse stars portly character actor Jordan Gelber as Abe, a 35 year old balding asshole who drives a bright yellow Hummer and lives with his parents (Christopher Walken and Mia Farrow). He works for his dad, too, sorta, although most of his day at the office is taken up with buying $400 Thundercats toys on Ebay. Everything about Abe is repulsive, from his outfits (track pants and socks-with-sandals) to the way he treats his long-suffering parents. Solonz really screws us with this guy, because he's not even fun to hate. He's such a pathetic wretch that your disgust sloshes queasily into pity. And this is within the first five minutes. We've still got an hour and a half left to deal with this clown.

So anyway, he meets Miranda (Selma Blair) at a wedding. She's just out of it enough to accept his invitation to go out sometime. They have one uneventful date (so uneventful it takes place on the front steps of her house), and he asks her to marry him. Miranda is such a strung out, terminally depressed mess that she agrees, figuring that just giving up on her dreams and getting married and having kids might be easier than actually trying to improve her life. So that's what she does.

Or does she? I have no idea, because after the first twenty minutes, the film becomes an endless succession of dream sequences, mostly Abe's, but sometimes Miranda's, sometimes Abe's dad's, and even sometimes Abe's dad's secretary's. By the end of the film you have literally no idea what the fuck just happened. Luckily, none of the characters are compelling enough for you to care.

There is really only one reason to bother with Dark Horse, and that's because Selma Blair's in it. She looks great - even though she's supposed to look awful, and even when she's passed out on a bed in a drug haze - and for the few minutes she's actually in it, she's pretty convincing as a zonked-out misanthrope.

She's like Aubrey Plaza's middle-aged, pill-popping, suicidal older sister. Selma's presence didn't make up for the rest of the bullshit, though. If you're looking for a long slog to nowhere, you've found it. Otherwise, seek your Selma kicks elsewhere. And also, f**k Todd Solonz.

- Ken McIntyre