House Where Evil Dwells (1982)

Directed by Kevin Conner
Starring Edward Albert, Susan George, Doug McClure
Rated R
USA/Japan

"There's an awful face in my soup!"

The sick, sick 70's spewed up a steaming gutpile of genuinely frightening haunted house flicks, from Amityville Horror (1979) to the jarring Burnt Offerings (1976). While House Where Evil Dwells gamely attempts a similar sense of atmospheric dread, this early 80's culture-clash spooker - a sort of proto-Grudge - fails to dredge up any scares. In fact, it's one of the silliest horror flicks of the 80's, and that's saying something. Directed by Motel Hell mastermind Kevin Conner, House takes a seriously dumb premise and plays it so straight that it's a miracle the actors got through it without bursting into fits of laughter with every take.

In the super slo-mo prologue - set a hundred years or so prior to the main events - a samurai warrior comes home to find his wife banging his buddy. Naturally, he goes berserk, lopping off heads and arms in a frenzy of blood and gore, before committing harikari. Done. Roll credits.

Fast-forward to the present. As "present" as 1982 ever got, anyway. Ted Fletcher (Edward Albert), a porn-mustachioed journalist of some stripe, is taking his family on an extended trip to Japan to work on a "story". His job and his work is never clearly explained, but it involves wearing headbands and carrying a camera around. Anyway, said family consists of wife Laura (dentally-challenged 70's scream queen Susan George) and mousy daughter (Amy Barrett, last seen getting menaced by fishmen in Humanoids from the Deep).

They are met at the airport by Ted's best-bud Alex (lantern-jawed Doug McClure, also from Humanoids. Also RIP), who has set them up with a house nestled in a hillside. It's got a garden and all the modern conveniences, and it's only $250 American a month! Wow, what a deal! There's only one hitch: it's haunted. That's right, he rented them the killer samurai's joint.

Of course, being forward-thinking westerners, the Fletchers laugh off the notion of ghosts and move in to their sweet new digs. Guess what? Weird shit starts happening almost immediately. During a celebratory toast, Alex's shot of Saki flips over right in front of his eyes. Later that night, Laura switches on a light, and it repeatedly switches itself back off. Still, could be wind and faulty wiring, right? Of course, the audience knows differently, because we can actually see the kimono-sporting, ashen-faced spooks wandering around the joint, upending the furniture. This risible "special effect" looks exactly like all the 'hauntings' in Scooby Doo, and undercuts any sense of anxiety the film was hoping to muster. If there was ever a textbook case of "unintentional humor", these fuckin' ghosts are it.

Ignoring the bumps in the night, Ted and Laura christen the joint by doing a little bumping-in-the-night of their own in a dimly-lit, agonizingly prolonged softcore fuck scene. I didn't know it was possible to get bored by Susan George's boobs until I saw this movie.

The next morning, the local exorcist - he lives right up the road, very convenient - drops by to tell Ted his house is cursed. Ted tells him to beat it. The exorcist laughs at the foolish American, telling him to drop by when things get crazy. I get the feeling we'll be seeing him again.

So, Ted has some business meetings. I don't know why, sense he's supposed to be a journalist, but he does. One of 'em's held at a sushi bar, and he ends up dancing and making out with a Japanese woman who bears a striking resemblance to the ghost in his house. Also, Laura starts having an affair with Alex, essentially repeating the same mistakes that got the original occupants of the house murdered. So that's not good.

There's also a scene where the ghost shows up as a topless pearl diver (? Something like that) and tries to drown Ted while he's shooting photos of other (non-topless) pearl divers.

Oh, and what about little Amy? Well, at one point, one of the ghosts invades her cup of soup, and when she refuses to eat it, dad pours the hot spectral goo right down her throat. If that's not bad enough, one evening while she's being watched by her tutor, the house is attacked by a pair of angry crabs (they chatter away like grumpy Japanese businessmen!) who eventually chase her up a tree. True story.

Eventually, Ted figures out that the legend may actually be true, and pays a visit to the exorcist. He drops by the house and says a few magic words, which chases the ghosts out the door. And then he tells them not to let anybody in. These, apparently, are the kind of ghosts you can actually lock out of the house.

Unfortunately, Alex stops by to have a fistfight with Ted over Laura, which lets the ghosts back in. And then the craziness really begins. I will not spoil the blood-caked finale for you, but I will say this: there's an awesome dummy-head-on-a-string decapitation to look forward to.

House Where Evil Dwells is as goofy as it gets, so if you're looking for chills and thrills, you'll definitely be disappointed. But if you're in the mood for a delightfully cheeseball b-flick, then you'll want to give this one a spin. Hardcore Susan George fans (like me!) will find all of her signature moves here: scowling, grousing, pouting, awkward 'love-making', throwing things in fits of anger.

She also sports lots of ill-fitting designer jeans and flashes those crazy Chiclet teeth a lot. There's some awesome HG Lewis-esque gore thrown in there too, and Albert's mustache is so fuckin' sleazy looking that it's honestly the scariest part of the entire film.

The more I think about this one, the more I like it. I just think the title is a little misleading. How about House Where Nonsense Dwells?



- Ken McIntyre 

The Hole (2001)

Directed by Nick Hamm
Starring Thora Birch, Keira Knightley, Desmond Harrington
Rated R
UK

"I killed him for a fuckin' Coke."

Is  busty pornstar offspring Thora Birch ever going to make a movie where she's not completely miserable? Ever since Ghost World, literally every film she's been in finds her either going crazy, getting stalked by a killer, stalking and killing someone herself, or some awful combination thereof. Those can't be the only roles she's offered - I'm fairly certain that she's on the short list for every script Christina Ricci rejects - so she must be doing this to us on purpose. Please, Thora - I love the squishy face, pumpkin-shaped head, and the heartbreaking rack. And I love how you either sleepwalk through a scene or wildly overact, depending on your mood. I just wish you'd do something light once in a while. Less American Beauty, more American Pie. You know what I mean?

Anyway, this is another one of her misery queen roles. In The Hole (suggestive!) she plays one Liz Dunn, a British prep-school student in some generic posh academy. Liz is in lust with Mike (Desmond Harrington), the school's token American, the son of a wealthy rock star. Sadly, her school is populated mostly by willowy blondes, so Mike doesn't even know Liz exists. Luckily, she has a secret weapon in her seduction scheme - Her best bud Martyn (Daniel Brocklebank, channeling an 80's style tortured/evil geek). Utilizing Marty's considerable computer skills, Liz sets up an improbable scenario and dooms several of her classmates as a result.

Oh, I forgot. Keira Knightley is in this, too. She's Frankie, the queen of the willowy blondes, the bulemic It Girl of Posh Central. She's also sorta Liz's bud. Well, they occasionally swill Jack Daniels and smoke cigarettes together, at any rate.

Mike's also got a friend, too: Geoff (Laurence Fox). He's your typical alpha-male jock. So, the entire school is about to embark on a three-day field trip to Wales. Martyn rigs it so that it appears that Liz, Frankie, Geoff, and Mike weren't given permission by their parents to go, so they'll have to stay behind. That's a good first step, but who's to say Mike's going to hang around? Luckily, Liz and/or Martyn has thought of that, too. Liz talks Frankie into talking Geoff into talking Mike into taking a field trip of their own for the next three days - to an underground World War II bunker in the woods. Well, how could anyone resist something so romantic?

So, that's what they do. They climb down into the underground bunker to party and make-out. You may already be ahead of me, but they soon discover that the escape hatch is locked. They can't get out, there's no phone service in a bunker, nobody but Martyn knows that they're there (and what if he's dead or something?) and they certainly didn't bring enough food and water to last an extended stay down there.

(Very) long story short, Liz emerges from the bunker ten days later, alone. This is not a spoiler, since she pops out of the titular hole, bloody and disheveled, in the very first scene. But what happened to the rest of them? Was this a sinister set-up by the forlorn Martyn, who was clearly in love with the clueless Liz? Did Liz bring this madness on herself? Or is there some other force at work? Through various points-of-view, flash-backs, flash-forwards, police procedurals, and even dream sequences, the whole sordid story starts clicking into place, and the horrors of The Hole are revealed.

To the film's credit, The Hole keeps you guessing to the end. I mean, it's not a complete brain-twister - there's only two possible suspects - but still, you never really know what's up until the finale. However, I'm not sure you'll care all that much, since 90% of the movie is just four bratty rich kids sitting in a hole, fighting over who gets to drink the last soda.

There is one bright spot, however. At one point, Keira wears disco clothes and flashes her boobs. That was pretty sweet.

In another scene, it really looks like Thora might pop out those mammoth melons of hers, but she gets P-blocked by a panicky Geoff at the last moment. Bummer.

Those are the only prurient moments in the movie. The rest is just Thora being sad.

Cheer up, Thora! Sure, your mom was a porn star and Scarlett Johansen is a bazillionaire, even though you were the real star of Ghost World. But I can't keep watching goofy emo-girl junk like this forever. Take some Prozac and make a comedy, already.

- Ken McIntyre 

Satanic Sluts: The Black Order Cometh (2008)

Directed by Nigel Wingrove

Starring Dominik Destruction, Dischordia, Poisoned Venus, Chelsea Chainsaw

Unrated

UK

"I like debauchery. I like excess. I like pushing your borders and going outside of your comfort zone to discover who you really are - what you're really like."

Conceived in 2004 by Redemption Films founder, Nigel Wingrove, The Satanic Sluts are an international (but mostly British) collective (purportedly intended to contain 666 members) of confrontational, alluring, and shamelessly taboo-humping women whose look is ostensibly reminiscent of the Suicide Girls and Burning Angel, but with a much darker and violent aesthetic.

Although more well known in their country of origin (particularly due to an incident involving Russell Brand), The Satanic Sluts will no doubt make quite a splash on American shores now that Fangoria Magazine is set to feature an SS girl pin-up poster in their pages monthly starting April of this year.

As far as content is concerned, the Satanic Sluts have a very Industrial Goth vibe with a heavy focus on fringe culture fetish. In deed, many of the scenes on The Black Order Cometh feature Nazi/fascist motifs, nun crucifixion, medical fetish, and even real cutting and needle play. Needless to say, the squeamish or easy offended need not apply here.

This, the initial release of what is currently a 3 film run (The Black Order Cometh, The Black Masses and Scandalized!), offers up a total of 12 short scenes and 5 interview segments. The interviews are an interesting touch to the proceedings, as it gives a depth to the SS girls that merely viewing their irreverent exploits just doesn't convey.

As obvious as this may seem, I find it important to point out that these girls are not the evil monsters that many would like to make them out to be based on their appearance or performances. In fact, beyond their blasphemous stage personas, the ladies are just as, or perhaps even moreso, "normal" than what I consider the majority of the population to be. But then again, this is me saying this, so take that statement with a grain of whatever you want to.

Although all the vignettes are satisfying in their own way, I believe that the scene that makes this film worth the price of admission alone has to be the live performance entitled "Gimp". Taking place in what looks to be a bar or club, "Gimp" begins with Dischordia leading Chelsea Chainsaw through the attending members by a chain, on all fours. Leading Chelsea to a cage, Dischordia binds her it and begins slapping her, taunting her, and eventually, jabbing hypodermic needles into her face.

If all this wasn't enough for your sensual bloodplay fantasies, Dischordia then reveals a scalpel - much to the chagrin of many an audience member in attendance, and by this point, for you as well. "Cutting" to the chase, Dischordia proceeds to run the scalpel up Chelsea's arms, making stomach churning lacerations on her arm that are then sutured together by more hypodermic needles. Wow, I just made myself nauseous.

If all that was perhaps a little too extreme for your sensibilities, the UK (Region 2) DVD is edited for your safety (the edited version is also available on the US release as a bonus feature).

The remaining features are significantly more tame, in so far as there isn't any unsimulated bloodletting, but we still get a fair share of blood. Take for example the aptly titled "Vampire Attack":

Or, if blasphemy is your bag, the also aptly titled (and aforementioned) sequence "Nun-Crucifixion" should suit your needs nicely.

Overall, The Satanic Sluts are definitely not for everyone, but if anything you've seen here piques your interest whatsoever, I say this is a must own. You can visit the Satanic Sluts websitehere, peruse The Salvation Group's entire catalog here, and read Nigel Wingrove's personal blog here.

Also be sure to check out the book, Blood & Dishonour from FAB Press, which includes detailed profiles of 38 of The Satanic Sluts, complete with hundreds of amazing photographs.

- Jeremy Vaca

Pink Lady & Jeff - Episode 2 (1980)

Directed by Rudy De Luca
Starring Pink Lady, Jeff Altman, Sid Ceasar, Larry Hagman, Donny Osmond, and Teddy Pendergrass
Genre: Variety show/Insanity

"Pardon me, ladies. You lost?"
"Yes!"

Well, the first one did OK in the ratings (no surprise, since everything was awful in 1980), so they banged out another episode. And since the first one was such a masterpiece, why fuck with the blueprint? Episode 2 opens the exact same way as the first one: Jeff comes out, does a few corny jokes (including a jab at their time-slot competition, Dukes of Hazzard) and then Pink Lady do their ripping-off-the-kimono-to-reveal-sexy-bathing-suit-underneath shtick. They lip-synch (as usual, very badly) to their version of "Ease on Down the Road" from The Wiz.

Eventually the Pink Lady dancers show up and everybody twirls big sticks. Walking sticks? Dunno. Anyway, the number gets wild applause.

Then there's the bit where the girls goof around with Jeff. They present him with a ceremonial robe.
"It symbolizes being a man," says Kei. "But you can wear it anyway."
Zing!
Then a Samurai warrior shows up and chases Jeff off the stage. The girls use this opportunity to announce this week's guests, which include Sid Ceasar, Teddy Pendergrass, and Larry Hagman (or, as Mie calls him, "A-Harry Hackman".)

After the break, Larry - wearing a JR-esque cowboy hat - comes out to take some jabs at Jeff. The whole bit is about how mean JR is, and how Jeff thinks Larry's like that in real life. It's pretty thin gruel, but Hagman's at least charming and cheerful.

Then it's back to the boombox routine from the pilot. The girls do their "Turn up the radio" number while dressed in skintight black jumpsuits. As in the first episode, they routinely cutaway to blackout gags with Altman and the Pink Lady comedy players.

In the first one, Altman's a preacher who uses his Jesus-powers to fix appliances.

In another, Jim Varney (Ernest!) does a promo for the "Bland Ole Opry".

This, in turn, spins off into another gag, "The Carter Family". As in Jimmy, Rosalyn and Amy. Ahem.

Next bit: Sid Ceasar plays Mie and Kei's dad, inspecting them before they go out on a date. Basically, he spouts Japanese-sounding gibberish for five minutes.
"Ugato! Ugato!"
"Eh?"
"Ugato! I can see your toes! What do you think you are, a bobbysoxer?"
Etc.

And then Donny Osmond shows up. He does a number with the girls, a medley that includes Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows", Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again", and of course, the rousing finale, "We Are Family". The latter bit sounds less canned than the rest. They might have sung it live. Pink Lady aren't close to nailing the words. "Fam-aree!" Also, I dig the goofy mustachioed bass player! That guy should have had his own show.

Hagman makes another appearance in Altman's recurring sketch about a shady bargain art dealer. He sells him a paint-by-numbers Mona Lisa. That's the entirety of the joke.

This morphs into a ponderous Sid Caesar-does-ballet routine. Then a dazed-looking Teddy Pendergrass shows up to sleepwalk through a song. Holy smokes, is this a bad episode.

Next up: the girls "visit" New York City, via gags and songs. New York is represented by cardboard buildings that appear to be reinforced with metallic duct tape.

They even drag Teddy into the fray. He's dressed like a guy who gives gondola rides, and he sings "On Broadway". What else?

There's also a bit where Larry Hagman takes Sid Ceasar out on a business lunch at a high-end strip club. He can't concentrate on the conversation. That's the gag.

And that, mercifully, brings us to the end of episode two. Well, almost to the end. They've still got to do the hot tub routine.

This time, all the guest stars are in the hot tub, too. Except for Donny. That fucker clearly knew when it was time to bail.

With it's lame guest stars, even lamer song and dance numbers, and recycled bits, the second episode of Pink Lady was, incredibly, even worse than the first. If nothing else, that's a remarkable achievement. And there's still four more to go!

- Ken McIntyre 

PS: Heaven Knows - Donna Summers' version -  was a pretty sweet jam.

Phenomena AKA Creepers (1985)

Directed by Dario Argento
Starring Jennifer Connelly, Donald Pleasence
Rated R
Italy

"You're exciting him. And he is doing his best to excite you."


Phenomena is a bat-shit crazy film, even by Argento standards. However I have to add, that unlike some of his more famous films, like Suspiria, the narrative is pretty straightforward. It's less of a dreamy, psychedelic mood piece and more of a supernatural giallo.

Utilizing the familiar trope of a student in from out of town, Jennifer Connelly stars as "Jennifer", daughter of a rich and famous actor who is sent to an all girls school. Unbeknownst to Jennifer, and the rest of the students, there is a killer on the loose. And as the movie develops, it makes itself apparent that Jennifer is no ordinary girl. First she suffers the liability of sleep walking. Where she witnesses a murder in her sleep, only to fall off of a balcony, stumble into the road, and get hit by a car driven by two horny guys. But instead of taking her to the hospital, they drive off with her and intend to rape her, but she escapes.

Then she stumbles into Professor John McGregor's (Donald Pleasence) house/lab. He is a wheelchair bound entomologist (a science that focuses on insects) with a monkey for an assistant. It isn't long before the next unusual aspect of Jennifer is revealed: that she shares an unusual bond with insects. This becomes comically apparent, when a bug she is holding in her hand begins to discharge a sex pheromone in an attempt to woo her. Dr. McGregor remarks that it isn't even mating season. Rich stuff.

After another misadventure, the headmistress of the school becomes convinced that Jennifer is crazy, on drugs, or both. Jennifer even walks in on the girls reading pages from her journal out loud, with the headmistresses approval. Once Jennifer snatches her pages away, they immediately taunt her for her kinship with insects. Jennifer has enough, and has a breakthrough moment, where she gathers her energy and summons the insects outside to her. Everyone present is alarmed because a swarm of flies threaten to break through the windows.

After this episode, she is admitted to and escapes from a mental hospital. And after consulting with the good Doctor she is sent on a corpse finding mission. How is she going to find a corpse? By following a fly.

The entire premise of the film hinges on the believability of a young girl having a psychic connection with insects. In the world Argento presents, this doesn't seem too far-fetched. The general mood of the film is somber, with brief instances of intense commotion, which are accompanied by metal music. Specifically Iron Maiden's "Flash of the Blade", and Motorhead's "Locomotive". While this tactic has it's detractors, I think it works.

There are a couple of things that throw me off about the movie though. Right out of the gate, it is the narration. Firstly, this movie needs no narration, it's straightforward enough as it is. Secondly, the narration it has is limited to one scene, and comes out of nowhere. It's so jarring, that it will take you right out of the movie.

Another thing that bothers me, is the fact that immediately following any traumatizing episode, Jennifer instantly calms down. It is almost as if her adrenaline immediately evaporates and she defaults to a calm, and content place. As a viewer, this throws me off. It is very incongruent with the circumstances, and makes zero narrative sense.

Despite its flaws, Phenomena is still a great movie. Argento is one of the few Italian genre filmmakers to be afforded the budget to make a great looking film. And he knows how to use the tools at his disposal. Even though the plot is off the wall, the presentation is fucking classic. The lighting, and mood is unabashed modern gothic. This is a world where you believe a girl can harness the power of insects. The glint of polished metal is here as well, as Argento continues his seemingly fetishizing of cold, hard, steel. Marking the act of murder as an elegant art.

In Phenomena, a baby-faced Jennifer Connelly faces horny insects, straight-razor bearing monkeys, murderous psychopaths, and a hostile school environment. All of this is held together with the glue of Goblin's brilliant score. Most fans would package Phenomena in Dario Argento's b-roll. And maybe this is fair, but it deserves to be seen.

-BoDuley