Stiff (2010)

Directed by Mike McKown, Jim Towns

Starring Bill Scott, Lulu Benton

Unrated

USA

"You don't see any point to life. You don't see any difference in the world with you in it, and the world without you in it. And the truth is, there isn't."

Troy (Bill Scott) is a depressed, workaday schmo whose entire life has been a never-ending series of suck; he's poor, lonely and awkward - and doesn't see that status changing anytime soon.

Lorri (Lulu Benton) is a crisis counselor with a dark secret. She works as a crisis counselor not for the passion of helping those in need, but to find herself a willing participant to her necrophiliac desires.

When Troy and Lorri's paths cross by sheer coincidence, their lives are forever changed, and the lines between life, love, and death become blurred.

It all begins with Troy, once again arriving home from his soul-sucking office job. As he enters, he glances the handmade noose that he has prepared for himself when he finally gets the nerve to end his miserable existence.


Really only wanting a reason to continue living for one more day, Troy calls his local (and oft utilized) suicide hotline. Fortuitously, Lorri answers and immediately recognizes his voice. They have a connection, she tells him, as she sits with her feet up playing solitaire on the computer and feeding him scripted lines from the counselor handbook with dry sarcasm in her voice.

Once Lorri feels comfortable that Troy isn't going to off himself - at least not for the time being - she gives him her personal number so he can call her whenever he needs further assistance and bids him a fond adieu for the evening.

The next day, as Troy is waiting for his train that will once again bring him to his horrible job, he senses an overwhelming urge to throw himself on the tracks, so he decides to skip work and contemplate his fate on a bridge. As he looks down into the rushing water below, he decides to give Lorri a call.

Receiving Troy's incoming call, Lori sees a perfect opportunity to make her morbid fantasies a reality. She invites herself over to Troy's house to council him in person, and Troy, being quite shy yet longing for companionship, reluctantly accepts.

Once there, Lorri begins an endeavor to convince Troy that, in fact, life is a waste of time and that suicide really is the best way out. Troy, when faced with the opportunity to end his pain at the hands of Lorri - whose seemingly caring personality has now changed to that of a cold and calculating death counselor - backs out at the last second. Realizing that Troy may just need a little extra push, Lorri decides that it would be best if he moves in with her. Troy, being easily led, packs up and moves in with her that very day.

On their first night together, Lorri enjoys a wee too much red wine and shares a dark little tale of her first boyfriends death at age 11. Since the time she lost her first love, she hasn't been able to love another person; at least not a living one. Lorri proposes that she will help Troy to end his life - if she can enjoy his body after he has passed.

Before Troy's impending death, Lorri asks Troy what 5 things in life make him happy; and they then partake on a journey to complete said tasks. As the two spend more time together, Troy's growing feelings for Lorri begin to weaken the bond of their arrangement.

Will they go through with their apparent perfect scheme or will their relationship with each other change Lorri and Troy's view on life - and their longing for the afterlife - forever? It's a pretty improbable and thinly constructed premise, but somehow it works here. The conversations are not wholly original, but entirely captivating nonetheless. The acting isn't top notch, but its effective. Everything about this movie should spell disaster, but as I have said prior, it somehow works.

If you enjoy off-kilter, dialogue based, micro budget cinema, I would say to definitely check this out. Stiff is an awkwardly funny, philosophically and existentially heavy, sad and sentimental, yet highly engaging indie film with a really nice classical guitar score.

You can check out more information on Stiff at the Cinema Epoch website.

(Note: The music in the movie itself is not as intrusive as it is in the trailer.)

- Jeremy Vaca

Bartenders (2010)

Directed by Joanna Angel

Starring Joanna Angel, Kylee Kross, Kleio, Moretta Coxx

Rated X

USA

"Can I show you our gender-neutral bathroom - for sex?

Hot on the heels of the wildly successful blockbuster, Coyote Ugly, comes Burning Angel's aptly named Bartenders. Yeah, yeah ... I realize Coyote Ugly came out like a bajillion years ago, but does that really matter? (The answer is no.)

"What in the world could Bartenders be about", I hear you ask yourself with exasperation and utter confusion. Well, surprisingly enough, Bartender is about...spoiler alert...bartenders! (Oh, and thanks for not questioning how in the hell I can hear what you're thinking - that would've just been awkward.)

Joanna Angel (who needs a character name when you're Joanna-fucking-Angel!?) is the fun-loving proprietor of the down and dirty dive bar called Joanna's Ugly Saloon. Joanna and fellow bartenders, Kylee Kross, Kleio and Dana DeArmond, strive not only to serve up stiff drinks, but also stiffen (or moisten, as the case may be) up the wild and horny clientèle with their hot tabletop dancing, sexy body shots, or whatever else they feel inspired to do at the time.

Everything's going hunky dory until party-pooper health inspector Mick Blue comes in tellin' the ladies that they have to follow something called a "health code", and you know, can't go around drippin' fluids all over the place - even in the co-ed bathroom.

Now it's up to the ladies of Joanna's Ugly to step up and ensure that their livelihood doesn't get the axe. And, of course, this involves lots and lots of fucking. Which is pretty much the best way to get shit done; am I right?

Once again, Joanna and her fellow Burning Angels provide ample amounts of hilariously goofy hijinks and hours upon hours of some of the hottest sex in the industry.

I can honestly admit that I wasn't particularly thrilled at the prospect of watching a movie based on another movie that I never had any interest in seeing, but Joanna and company bring the awesome - as usual - and make a subject as potentially bland as bartending worth viewing (many, many times over, at that).

Although all the scenes here are scorching hot (including the afore-pictured 4 girl daisy chain, Mason Moore's G-spot exploding threesome, and Kylee Kross's tasteful DP finale), the highlight for me has to be fiery-haired and brace-mouthed waif Moretta Coxx in a particularly amazing scene that features some of the most acrobatic and flexible sex I've seen in quite some time; of which will just have to to seen to be believed.


Despite the slightly unimaginative title (I guess calling it Joanna's Ugly wouldn't have been the best option) and non-descript cover art, AVN Award nominated Bartenders will not disappoint you. Check it out at Burningangel.com. Now.

- Jeremy Vaca

Driller: A Sexual Thriller (1984)

Directed by Joyce James
Starring Taija Ray, Mr. J, Esmeralda, Angelique, George Payne
Rated XXX
USA

"You got it all over me - and I'm the president of your fan club!"

When Michael Jackson's Thriller first made it's appearance on VHS and I was hiding behind a kitchen chair watching the video through parted fingers, I would have never imagined that an adult film based upon one of the deceased King of Pop's most famous songs and Jon Landis's accompanying music video would ever be thought of, let alone actually made. This observation/wistful reminiscence of youth brought me to two conclusions: 1) I was a total wussy, and 2) there was actually a time when I didn't automatically imagine what anything I saw would be like as porn.

Well, it just so happens that indeed a porno was made around the premise of Thriller and that, in fact, I am still a total wussy. But that's a whole nother story.

Originally released in 1984, Driller (the "A Sexual Thriller" part is an add-on for the DVD release) will finally make it's reemergence from obscurity on January 25, 2011. This decision seems in part due to the kinda recent passing of MJ (who would have likely had his people file a lawsuit, had he known of its existence), and surely to take advantage of the current trend of making a porn parody for every fucking thing that has ever existed as a pop culture phenomenon.

Like most porn parodies, Driller features a hodge-podge smattering of similarities to it's inspiration so that you know what they're ripping off, but the actually re-telling seldom sticks to any particular narrative that is featured in the original Thriller video; unless I missed that whole Quasimodo dungeon sub-plot.

Driller begins just as Mr. Jackson's Thriller does - with a disclaimer. Now, instead of acting like some goody-goody Jehovah's Witness (which is what MJ was at the time of Thriller), the producers of Driller want you to know that they do believe in monsters and other shit that isn't real.

In this "re-imagining" of the classic 14 minute music video, the character of Michael Jackson is portrayed by Mr. J (playing the pop star Michael and not the boy-next-door character Michael played in the video), credited as "The Star". With his fingerless sequined glove, red painted fingernails and super effeminate characteristics, Mr. J actually seems more like a mash-up of Prince and El DeBarge (with a voice like Liza Minnelli) going trick-or-treating as MJ rather than the King of Pop himself.

Girl-next-door Taija Ray plays Louise, one of Mr. J's biggest fans. After her and her boyfriend, dweeby Dan (Dick Howard), see Mr. J in concert (where we are treated to a complete Billie Jean rip-off song called "Hot Star" - and yes, we get the whole song), Dan is all riled up for sex.

Louise wants nothing to do with that icky stuff, but after much coaxing (and an annoyingly stiff handed pussy rubbing), Dan gets his way. Louise lays there bored and uncomfortable while Dan creepily talks dirty (most lines in this movie are absurd post-production overdubs, BTW) and pumps away with a total lack of any sexual prowess whatsoever.

After Dan goes home, Louise settles in for a night of radio drama and newspaper reading. She falls asleep while listening to a spooky story about a werewolf and awakens inside of her dream to garbage bag wearing "zombies" clawing their way through Louise's cardboard walled room and "dancing".

Mr. J, or "The Star", now a zombie himself, enters through one of the most awful edits I've ever seen, and performs the hit, "Driller" (It's just a driller...in the night...), once again in its full "how-the-hell-is-this-legal?" entirety.

Mr. J then starts rubbing his body all over Louise, who's still laying in her bed squealing and shivering with fear, and transforms into a werewolf - which actually doesn't look half bad.

Mr. J then whips out his penis and begins stroking it in front of Louise. Unfortunately, I cannot show you what the werewolf Mr. J is packing, but suffice to say it's about 2 feet long, moves on it's own accord, spins around like a drill (which is actually the sound effect they use), and causes Louise to stare wide-eyed with confused awe (which is actually pretty much what everything in this movie makes her do). Personally, I'd being jumping out the window, but hey - to each their own, right?

"The Star" proceeds to ravage the frightened beauty with his humongous wolf wang, and eventually sprays his green (yes, I said green) goo all over her stomach and chest.

He then slings her over his shoulder and takes her away to his dungeon where he forces her to witness a trio of what turns out to be some pretty drawn out and unarousing (but at least amusing) sex.

First, Toxie clone Quasimodo unskillfully and what seems to be quite painfully rams his finger in young Courtney-Love-in-goth-phase looking Esmerelda's butthole (and then annoyingly shouts at her to squirt for like 5 minutes ("...oh yes...oh deep...look at that bulging ass") - which she eventually does).

Next, we have two gold-painted lesbians sitting on a round table (of which zombies are manually spinning around for added "special" effect) using light-up dildos and lackadaisically engaging in unerotic muff munching.

And finally, we get George Payne and a fellow leatherboy lifelessly double teaming a fair maiden on an artist's light table while a medieval soundtrack of monks chanting plays in the background.

After the aforementioned spectacle of yawn-inducing unsexy sex, comes one of the most hilarious and bizarre moments in this ongoing series of hilarious and bizarre moments. Louise, who is finally freaked out enough to make a break for it, takes off from the dungeon to run around a "graveyard" - lost in invisible fog and spiderwebs - waving her hands in front of her face and looking around confused. To find a safe hiding spot, she runs to a corner of the "graveyard" and squats behind the philosopher Plato's pathetically adorned gravestone, still waving her hand in front of her face and squinting through the (non-existent) foggy darkness - wracked with fright. Did I mention that there is little to no fog or spiderwebs to be seen anywhere?

While Louise remains frozen in fear in the corner, "The Star" and his posse of red brief wearing, leather-masked ballet dancers come in and grunt at her while they do their best to re-enact the famous zombie street dance scene from Thriller. For ridiculousness's sake, this includes pirouettes, sumo wrestling choreography and a zombie chick who's really good at sign language.

This whole dreaded nightmare eventually comes to its climax with an incredibly unenthusiastic zombie orgy involving a rotting and overweight newlywed-dead couple awkwardly making out, Louise being tag teamed by Payne and company, and some dude wearing a Richard Nixon mask putting his over-sized rubber nose everywhere it doesn't belong.

From mesmerizing to excruciating, Driller: A Sexual Thriller must be seen to be believed. A minor league cult classic in its own right, I highly recommend anybody who hasn't seen this to at least give it a watch; and invite your friends, cuz it's definitely a party flick.

Just to wet your whistle, take a gander at Mr. J's magical rendition of the opening number, Hot Star. And in case you were wondering, the DVD looks about a million times (give or take) better than the clip does.

Devil's Den Films, which appears to be a sub-section of Wild Eye Releasing, bring Driller: A Sexual Thriller to DVD for the first time ever, and it can be found for sale at the MVD Entertainment Group website, along with thousands more titles from such great labels as Independent Entertainment, Grimoire, SRS Cinema and Full Moon Entertainment.

- Jeremy Vaca

Daisies (1966)

Directed by Vera Chytilova

Starring Ivana Karbanova, Jitka Cerhova

Unrated

Czechoslovakia

"Can't you smell it?"
"What?"
"How volatile life is."

Daisies (AKA Sedmikrasky) is a quirky, highly surreal, and surprisingly intelligent tale of two bored and restless teenager girls - both named Marie - who embark on a mischievous journey to become "bad".

Banned by the Czech government (who funded the production of the film) for 1 year upon it's initial release (for supposedly encouraging wanton behavior), and only receiving a short release thereafter, Daisies is a keystone in the Czech New Wave movement of the 1960's. Viewing this film now, nothing seems particularly worthy of censoring, but at the time, many of the themes here were considered "dangerous".

The film opens with a credit sequence consisting solely of images of a locomotive piston steadily pumping and churning and stock aerial war footage of artillery fire exploding on villages, jungles, farmland and oceans below, accompanied by a celebratory sounding military march score.

From the first frame, it's obvious that Daisies has something to say. Just exactly what it is saying will likely depend on how much effort you wish to put in to it. Without getting too highbrow (at least not yet) about it, Daisies is pretty much a 72 minute collage of symbolic metaphors. Running the gambit of themes including, but not limited to: War, society (specifically the bourgeoisie), femininity, the nature of existence, communism, and conformity, Daisies makes for quite the entertaining little Rorschach test.

Our two proto-antagonists in Daisies are the short-haired blonde, Marie I (Ivana Karbanova), and pig-tailed brunette, Marie II (Jitka Cerhova). The two spend most of their free time (which seems to be what all of their time is) sunbathing or laying around their bedrooms reveling in ennui or bouncing around with giddy excitement - as teens are often want to do.

When the two young ladies aren't hanging out eating pickles, setting fire to their clothing (indoors, no less), rolling around on the bed with scissors, or stealing corn, they are most likely out on the town causing trouble, relishing in vice and progressively attempting to top their preceding adolescent antics.

While out and about, the girls spend an abundant amount of time in the company of middle-aged to elderly men at train station restaurants (or in one case, a butterfly collection room), so as to finagle meals, cigarettes and booze (or merely attention and affection) out of them - as well as generally causing a spirited distraction wherever else they happen to go.

Although Daisies is widely considered a comedy, there is undoubtedly a darker undercurrent running throughout the film. There is a general sense of existential nihilism permeating much of the film that all culminates in a particularly unsettling sequence involving a descent in a service elevator that ultimately concludes in a decidedly unexpected (and thought provoking) finale.

The experimental, avant-garde nature of Daisies certainly makes this a film for a very particular type of viewer, therefore making it difficult to give a general recommendation to. Everything in Daises - from apples, butterflies and corn, to scissors and sausage - has an interpretive possibility inherit in its very existence within the film. Take a look at the first 4 1/2 minutes of the movie below to get a pretty good sampling of what you'll be committing to should you decide to visit Daisies.

You can purchase Daisies from Facets Multi-Media in the US or on Second Run DVD if you're in the UK.

- Jeremy Vaca

Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold (1995)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Starring J.J. North, Tammy Parks, Raelyn Saalman
Rated R
USA

"Oh my God! Look at the size of those tits!"

Quick, how many giantess movies can you name? Well, there's Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, along with Bert I. Gordon's Village of the Giants... but what else? Given that it's been half a century since the original 50-foot woman first stomped across screens, it's safe to say that the giantess film has been under-represented in modern American cinema.

Thank God for Fred Olen Ray. With his movie Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, Ray proves that a good giantess movie need only abide by 3 simple rules: there must be a giant chick, she must be scorchingly hot, and most importantly, there must be NUDITY. Lots of it. In this movie, Ray gives the male audience exactly what they always wanted to see in a giant-chick movie but were too ashamed to admit: giant naked boobs.

Our story begins when centerfold model Angel Grace (the incredibly buxom JJ North) enters a contest to become Plaything Magazine's Centerfold of the Year. To win the contest, Angel must square off against two rival girls: hot blonde Inga (Raelyn Saalman) and gorgeous redhead Betty (Tammy Parks).

Ray doesn't waste any time getting started. A mere 6 minutes into the film, we're treated to our first topless photo-shoot. We also learn that Betty is a massive bitch, making snide remarks at Angel. "How old ARE you anyway? 30??" sneers Betty, before delivering her final insult: "Are your BREASTS getting smaller?"


That's a pretty nasty thing to say. Angel's breasts are massive! But Betty's cruel taunts have left our heavy-breasted heroine shaken up.


The next day, Angel pays a visit to Dr. Lindstrom (John Lazar). Terrified of shrinking boobs, she begs him to give her an experimental beauty formula. He refuses, saying the formula can cause side-effects such as rapid cell growth. You can see where this is going, right? But Angel pleads harder until the doctor has no choice but to give in.


After drinking one vial of the formula, Angel's breasts suddenly grow huge. Life's good again.


The contest starts heating up. Angel, Inga, and Betty are all invited to the Plaything Mansion. They meet Bob Gordon (Jay Richardson) an obvious nod to Hugh Hefner, complete with smoking jacket and pipe. He tells the girls they'll have a big photo-shoot at the beach tomorrow to determine the winner. Later that night, sleazy photographer Mark (Tim Abell) starts hitting on Angel with a bottle of champagne. So she does what any starry-eyed innocent would do. She gets drunk and passes out.


Meanwhile back at the hospital, Dr. Lindstrom is paged to a top-secret lab. Turns out they've been experimenting with the formula on rats. But now one of the rats has grown to 8 feet tall! (Though it's clearly just a guy in a rat suit). And another giant rat is running around loose in the building. Why? Because this movie needs a subplot to pad the running time, that's why. The doctor tries to call Angel to warn her not to take the formula, but she's nowhere to be found.


Angel wakes up the next morning, as curvaceous as ever. But now she's looking haggard from the night before. To make things worse, the other girls are down at the beach to start the photo-shoot! So she panics, grabs all the vials of formula, and starts swilling them down. What happens after that is the lamest morphing effect you've ever seen. Then she passes out again.

When she wakes up, she looks gorgeous, utterly stunning. The room still looks the same, but everything's scaled down a bit smaller, making the petite Angel look like she's about 6'4". It's actually pretty convincing.


What happens next is quite possibly the most awesome scene in the movie. A now-statuesque Angel bounds over to the beach for the photo-shoot. Everyone is shocked at her new height. "You look taller!" Mark says. She joins the other two girls, and they all promptly take their tops off. There's some nifty surf-guitar playing on the soundtrack, but you'll be too busy ogling their boobs to notice.


Suddenly, Angel collapses yet again. Mark and the girls run over to Bob's mansion to call an ambulance. By the time they get back to her, we finally get what we all came to see - a giant, fully-nude, smoking-hot babe!


But the problem is, now that we have our 60-foot centerfold, no one can figure out what to do with her. Being the sleazebags that they are, Mark and Bob take one look at Angel and start seeing dollar signs. So the flick falls into a hoary exploit-the-monster plot a la King Kong. It's pretty lightweight stuff.


Along the way, the cornball humor goes off the charts. The whole thing starts to resemble a bunch of variety-show skits more than an actual movie. There's more bullshit with the giant rat, along with mugging cameos by Tommy Kirk (Village of the Giants) and Russ Tamblyn (Satan's Sadists, The Haunting). Still, JJ North fills out her white canvas bikini to perfection, and the special effects really aren't that bad, considering.


Without much plot to speak of, things start to become a bit strained. But Ray has one more ace up his sleeve: another gratuitous boob scene!


What happens next is almost too loopy to get into here. Suffice to say, it involves exploding rats, exploding people, campy one-liners, and groan-inducing sight gags. It all climaxes in a giant-size catfight with two enormous babes duking it out over Hollywood Blvd. Plus some really dodgy special effects.


Forrest J. Ackerman's cameo is a nice touch though.


Okay, so Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold is not a perfect movie. The jokes start to wear thin after awhile, and the flimsy plot might as well not exist. Nevertheless, Ray managed to get the tone of the film pretty much dead-on. There's a breezy, cheerful cartoonish vibe to the proceedings that makes the shortcomings a bit easier to forgive. Plus it's got giant naked boobs, which is always a good thing. It's certainly no classic, but until the perfect giantess movie comes along, it'll do.


Though Centerfold remains her best-known film, JJ North actually appeared in a dozen other b-movies during the 90's. Titles include: Vampire Vixens From Venus, Psycho Sisters, and Vice Academy 5. She later reteamed with Fred Olen Ray in '97 for the sci-fi thriller Hybrid, where she had a steamy shower scene with Brinke Stevens. Sadly, JJ North quit making movies in 1998. We are still awaiting news of her return, but it seems highly unlikely at this point.

- Barry