Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Pets (1974)

Directed by Raphael Nussbaum
Starring Candice Rialson, Teri Guzman, Joan Blackman, Ed Bishop
Rated R
U.S.A.

With a notorious ad campaign suggesting a misogynist and/or S&M-themed romp through familiar sexploitation territory, Raphael Nussbaum’s Pets is in fact a more complicated -- and ultimately more intriguing -- mid-seventies grindhouse entry. Adapted from a sequence of three one-act plays by Richard Reich first performed in Greenwich Village five years before, Nussbaum’s film integrates the three similarly-themed tales into a single narrative, offering its audience an opportunity to contemplate and perhaps even challenge traditional notions regarding the relative power of the sexes.

What at first appears a fairly typical compilation of scenes alternating between sex and violence eventually turns into kinda-sorta-statement criticizing man’s treatment of woman as somehow less than human -- that is, as like the “pets” of the title. Hard to get too carried away with talk of Nussbaum’s artsy-fartsy pretensions here, though, as the many hallmarks of low budget, amateurish filmmaking -- crude editing and lighting, literally out-of-focus shots, small lapses in narrative logic, etc. -- should ultimately keep us from getting too high-falutin’ about “messages” and whatnot.

Drive-in diva Candice Rialson stars as the wayward teen Bonnie. One of the grindhouse-era’s more memorable figures -- in both senses of the word -- Rialson was said to have provided the inspiration for Bridget Fonda’s Melanie in Quentin Tarantino’s 1997 throwback Jackie Brown.


As it happened, 1974 would be a breakout year for the sleepy-eyed, adorable blonde, a year in which she’d follow Pets with starring turns in a trio of sexploitation titles (Candy Stripe Nurses, Summer School Teachers, and Mama’s Dirty Girls). Soon after she’d land bit roles on TV series and in a few mainstream features like The Eiger Sanction and Logan’s Run. She’d end up back in the B’s, however -- most notably in the notorious, talking-vagina opus Chatterbox! (1977) -- before retiring from the silver screen for good as the decade came to a close.

After a suggestive opening montage showing a bird, a tiger, then Rialson each in cages, we jump into a familiar-seeming ’70s drive-in opening with Bonnie and her abusive brother driving about the L.A. streets. Their talk suggests he’s tracked her down after she’d run away. And -- like a hard-to-tame animal -- she seems anxious to escape back into the wild once again.

Bonnie complains she’s hungry, and they stop at a burger joint, a visit that ultimately results in Bonnie’s brother offending a carful of toughs to the point they decide to teach the “jive-ass honky” a lesson.


As they beat her brother, Bonnie escapes, and the opening credits roll over the sappy title song (“Searching”) in which Bonnie is introduced to us further (“in this wicked world some folks call me evil girl / they’ve got it wrong and they don’t know”).


Bonnie spends the night on the beach, then the next day meets up with Pat (Teri Guzman), yet another wild child on the loose. The pair catch a ride with the affluent-appearing Dan Daubrey (Brett Parker) who has been out for a jog on the beach, the group sharing the space in the vehicle with Dan’s dog, Bibi.

By this point we’ve already seen other canines milling about, and indeed such visual reaffirmations of the film’s title and themes will continue throughout. As they drive, Pat surprises both Dan and Bonnie by pulling a gun and ordering Dan off the highway onto a dirt path.


They tie Dan up with the belt of his robe and shoestrings, take his wallet, then Pat gets him to give up his home address, the location of some cash that can be found there, and his keys. As Bonnie ties up Dan, Pat compares him to Bibi, saying his wife has two dogs, “the four-legged one -- that’s the one she loves and kisses -- and this schmuck.”

Pat leaves in Dan’s car (with Bibi) to go loot his home -- his wife is out getting her hair done, he’s explained -- while Bonnie watches him, gun drawn.


The pair talk, their conversation revealing Bonnie’s dissatisfaction with her young life. We cut away to follow Pat as she visits Dan’s home and robs him of cash and more, the Daubreys’ gardener oddly unconcerned thanks in part to Pat distracting him.


As Pat drives back, Bonnie and Dan continue to talk. She does a seductive dance, then reveals to him the gun is just a water pistol. We see Pat cruelly toss Bibi off a cliff after the dog bites her. She then returns and she and Bonnie leave, but then only Bonnie returns, apparently to check whether or not Dan kept his promise to lie there for a half-hour.

Soon Bonnie figures out Pat has left her, taking the car and all of the loot she hauled. Bonnie and her captive talk a little more, then she gets the idea to have a little fun.

“What do you want, lapdog?” she says to Dan. “You’re sweating, you’re hot.”


Dan tells her to untie his hands and he’ll show her what he wants, but Bonnie has another idea. “No, I’ll show you,” she says with a snarl. “Helpless. The way I’ve always been.”

The pair then make sweet, sweaty seventies love on the grass, after which Bonnie grabs her panties and shoes and skips away -- in enchanting slow motion -- to continue her adventures.


We move with Bonnie into the middle third of the film, leaving everyone else we’ve met thus far behind for good. Caught stealing an apple from a fruit stand, Bonnie’s luckily helped out of a potential jam by an artist, Geraldine Mills, who takes an interest in the beautiful runaway as a possible subject for her paintings.


The pair swiftly bond and Bonnie agrees to Gerry's proposal to work for her, posing as a model for various works while living in Gerry's spacious Malibu home.


Eventually the pair start a sexual relationship. Gerry becomes somewhat controlling of Bonnie, insisting on long hours of posing and not tolerating Bonnie’s leaving the home unattended. Bonnie sometimes calls Gerry "slave driver," and clearly becomes increasingly restless as time passes. However, at other times, Bonnie affectionately refers to Gerry as “Mommy,” a further reference to their unequal relationship.

An exhibition of Gerry’s work at a local art gallery proves successful, with the gallery’s owner, Vincent Stackman, in particular taking an interest in Gerry’s work. And in Bonnie, too.


Ed Bishop, a character actor with a lengthy and varied resume from TV and film, plays Vincent, whose unending creepiness immediately begins to challenge the ladies’ space on the screen for our attention.

Victor wants to buy Gerry’s painting, they agree to terms, and he leaves. “He’s a very wealthy young man,” explains a gallery patron to Bonnie. “But a very strange fish!”

Cut to fish frying in a pan. Gerry is making lunch for her and Bonnie, and Victor happens by unannounced, ostensibly to get his painting. He catches Gerry and Bonnie acting as a couple in the kitchen, which embarrasses Gerry. An uncomfortable meeting follows in which Gerry makes plain his interest in Bonnie.


At one point he and Bonnie discuss painting, including nudes, and Vincent lectures her about how “the great artists of the past, they never completely painted their models in the nude... [because] they believed that by revealing everything a woman lost her mystery.”


Vincent finally leaves, and his visit and interest in Bonnie has appears to stir up some conflict between the women. Bonnie is becoming more agitated and difficult to control, even earning a slap from the dominating Gerry for her insouciance. She complains to Gerry about desiring a man, and asks her why she doesn’t like men.

“I like men,” explains Gerry. “Just as I like dogs until they try to bite me.”

They make up, but are soon interrupted by an intruder breaking into Gerry’s home. Gerry pulls a gun on the man, named Ron.


Ron explains he’s hungry and was just looking for food. He’s willing to work for it, and Bonnie pleads on his behalf. “The windows really need washing,” she weirdly argues, going on about how they need “a man in this house” to fix the sink and do other chores. “We haven’t needed a man,” insists Gerry, who gives Bonnie the gun while she calls the police.

Bonnie ushers Ron into her bedroom, then tells Gerry he’s gotten away. Soon they all retire for the night, and we realize it is as though Bonnie has captured for herself a hound dog with which to play.


The next morning Gerry discovers the pair and how Bonnie has betrayed her. She swiftly decides to put down Bonnie’s “pet.”


“You killed him!” cries Bonnie in horror. “No, Bonnie -- you killed him,” she clarifies.

Soon Bonnie is on the run again, hastily leaving the house by foot. She runs along the beach where dogs seemingly roam free so as to remind us again of Bonnie’s animal-like character.


She ends up back at Vincent’s gallery and while it isn’t clear at first we soon discover she’s hiding there. Gerry comes to the gallery looking for Bonnie, but Vincent covers.

We move into the third and final act. Vincent buys clothes and jewelry for Bonnie, including a bracelet unsubtly inscribed “Vincent's Pet.”


Vincent takes Bonnie to his secluded “house on a hill” where she first meets Lila, Vincent’s cat. He then takes her to his basement to see “where Lila and her friends” live. We hear animal noises, look for a moment upon Bonnie’s alarmed expression, then leave the scene.

Soon Vincent invites Gerry to his house, too, luring her with the bait of his knowledge of Bonnie’s whereabouts. Lots of awkward discussion follows between the pair. Gerry thinks he's trying to seduce her, but Vincent insists “I don’t seduce women… I make them my pets!”


He further outlines to her his warped view of the sexes. “You see, I sometimes see in my mind’s eye a zoo. Not with the usual animals, no. In my zoo there would be only women!” Gerry predictably reacts with disgust, but Vincent has it all worked out.


“They’d adore it! I assure you,” he insists. “Imagine it... they’d have no responsibilities, they'd be well taken care of, they'd be fed regularly, splashing about in the water, playing in the sun, being mated regularly….” He goes on, his vision seeming to make little literal sense but in a figurative way alluding to a not uncommon chauvinistic worldview.

Having had enough, Gerry tries to leave but he keeps her with a promise to show her Bonnie -- whom, he explains, he has “tamed.” Gerry assumes he’s slept with her, but his answer is unclear (“Would you blame me if I have?”). He explains it was Bonnie’s idea that he bring Gerry there, and soon he produces the young beauty.

The three share a drink. “She should be behind bars,” says Bonnie of Gerry, referring to the latter’s shooting of Ron the intruder.


More suggestive talk follows, then Bonnie leaves the two. Vincent then resumes his mad-philosopher-type talk to Gerry, declaring he’s going to “possess” her.

“You can’t possess me!” Gerry objects. “I’m a woman, not an animal.” “Women treat men like animals, don’t they?” he responds before launching into an anti-women’s lib rant about women trying to “take over the world… giving us orders.”

“I’ll show you what you’re made for!” he says. “Possession by a man!” At last he takes her downstairs to see Lila and her friends, too -- a collection of animals ranging from rodents to a tiger, all female, and all in cages... including Bonnie!


Gerry is horrified, but when she says how she wants to rescue Bonnie from her captivity Vincent has a ready response.

“To make her your pet, again?” he asks pointedly.

Will Vincent succeed in taming Gerry, too, to add to his bizarre collection? The finale provides some resolution -- and a surprise twist -- if not a coherent conclusion to the argument about sexual politics the story has introduced.


There are several reasons to satisfy one’s curiosity and give Pets a look. Despite the film’s many technical flaws, the performances by Bishop, Blackman, and Rialson are all above grindhouse standards, with Rialson’s unique ability to switch back and forth between vulnerable and vengeful suiting her well in this particular role.


And while there might ultimately be as much affirming of male dominance going on here as there is questioning of it, Pets does nonetheless recognize that there’s at least an issue to be debated when it comes to the ongoing battle of the sexes. Not to mention offer a few suggestions of how humans might in fact be more like animals than we care to admit.

- Triple S

Monday, December 19, 2011

Hard Ticket to Hawaii/Picasso Trigger (1987/1989)


Directed by Andy Sidaris
Starring: Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Harold Diamond, snakes, model airplanes, razorblade frisbees, and tits-lots of tits.
Malibu Bay Films 

Andy Sidaris (RIP) was just as obsessive and accomplished a film maker as Russ Meyer, with  (sadly) none of the hipster accolades or high brow literary dissection, but that might all change with his comprehensive 12 volume DVD series. Sidaris had a lurid but imminently marketable vision of a bleach blonde Shangri-La, with bikini-stretching government agents and their muscle-tearing Kung-Fu sex toys taking on the most vague forms of machine gun evil imaginable in lush landscapes of extravagant beauty, and this 80's born Sidarisian wonderland found a happy home in the blurry-eyed world of late night cable television. Still does, in fact. Click on anything form USA to Cinemax at 2 AM, and the next popped top is most likely Andy's doing. What makes his films so watchable, even after many repeated viewings, is their complete lack of pretense, their campy absurdity played as straight as humanly possible, and of course, the chicks. His unwavering faith in "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes" became such an exact science, that the DVD booklets come with a handy guide for how many of the three B's are included in each chapter. And of course, at least one and sometimes all three come rolling in without fail, every time.


Hard Ticket to Hawaii is his first film in this gonzo series. Try and keep up with me on this. Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), two chesty blondes that couldn't possible exist in any other time than the cocaine and silicone fueled 80's, are government agents. I'm guessing the US government, but God knows what division hired and trained these two. They're working undercover as cargo plane pilots, secretly ferreting out dope smugglers and the like. Right off the bat, they're up to their bra-stuffing tits in trouble, as not only is a contaminated snake running amuck, thanks to their inept handling of clearly marked snake boxes, but they discover a sinister cabal of diamond smugglers and dope dealers on the far side of the island. I'm not sure how much you have to worry about diamond thieves that attempt to move their stolen ice by model plane, but they do have plenty of machine guns. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I must explain the snake. See, he's been shot up with some kind of cancer, and if bitten, his victims will be infected as well. That particularly nasty fact doesn't even matter much, since the serpent is so berserk, he just tears his prey up into bloody shreds, as a couple of hapless honeymooners soon find out. Anyway, Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), the drug dealer whose as mean as the contaminated snake is on to our bubbly supergirls, thanks to an entirely unconvincing transvestite bartender/spy, so they call for back-up, and some old pals show up, including a pony-tailed Kung Fu guy (Harold Diamond) and a weapons expert (Ron Moss) who rigs up the most implausible looking incendiary devices you've ever seen. Like a skateboard bomb, for example, or a razor-tipped frisbee. Between showers and skinny dipping and drunken revelry, the unlikely team of undercover Feds concoct a scheme to bring down the bad guys- it involves motorcycles and bazookas, with a surprise appearance by that goddamned snake-and it all ends in a flurry of explosions and kicking. Of course, the good guys win, and the girls live to blunder and jiggle another day.


Despite the over-reaching tongue-in-cheek plot contrivances and the gratuitous nature of...well, everything, "Hard Ticket" is a seriously well-crafted film, aided greatly by the amazingly lush location and Hope Carlton's Playboy bunny charm. I wanted to kick the pony-tailed guy's teeth in the second he showed up on the island, but that was probably part of the plan as well. The DVD has a host of extras, including Andy and gravity defying miracle of nature Julie Strain clowning around in an impromptu intro, a complete set of trailers, a still gallery, and some handy b-movie making tips from Sidaris. The whole thing is a blast, both literally and figuratively speaking, from start to Finish.


Picasso Trigger is Hard Ticket's high concept follow-up, featuring many of the same players including lethally blonde agents Donna and Taryn and their Kung Fu fighting pal. First, though, their is intrigue in Paris to ponder as vaguely sinister arch-criminal Salazar decides to turn his back on his evil ways and give back to the city that he's taken so much from, donating a priceless painting of a big blue fish- The Trigger, naturally, to some swanky museum. But wouldn't you know, as soon as he strolls out, his new life as an honest citizen sprawled out in front of him, he's assassinated by some dirty sniper. Or is he? Well no, he isn't. Saddam himself must of have picked up some pointers from this film, as Salazar has merely dispatched an unlucky look-a-like to take the bullet for him so that he concentrate on his life's work without interference. His life's work being revenge on the g-string wearing secret agents that killed his brother- you know, the diamond/drug guy from Hard Ticket to Hawaii.


And so, the team gets back together, amidst much crazy talk of snuff films and a few sub-Vegas vaudeville T&A acts, to take on the Picasso Trigger and his swarthy henchmen. PT contains much of Hard Ticket's plot elements- including the Mcguver-esque weaponry. This time out, you get missile launching crutches and a boomerang bomb. The latter you could think about for days- if it's got a bomb attached to it, why the Hell would you want it to fly back? The model airplane hijinks are back too, as a payload bearing craft blows up Taryn and Donna's rather boss cigarette boat. It all ends in a climactic showdown at Salazar's remote hide-out, and in lieu of no cancerous snake, a well-placed surfboard helps out the cause. Explosions and a hot tub after-party ensue.

Being a sequel- or at least a semi-sequel- Picasso Trigger is more formulaic than its anything can happen predecessor, but Sidaris wisely upped the ante on the cheap thrills quotient by littering the film with no less than 7 Playmates, and all of them find the time to get at least half-naked somewhere in the mix. All in all, it's another righteous display of 80's excess, as loud and as implausible as the decade it was made in. The DVD contains much of the same extras as "Hard Ticket", with the addition of some sexy Julie Strain out-takes from some of her films further along in the series. The best part of it all is watching Andy himself living it up with Strain at his side, flashing freely and declaring her love for the T&A auteur as his long-time muse and business partner, wife Arlene, looks on, bemused at the whole silly affair. He's obviously a man that lives the dream and for that- not to mention all the tits and bazookas- Sidaris deserves a rousing round of applause.

Or just buy his movies, either way.

PS: Andy passed away in 2007. I was honored to speak with him a couple times, and I am happy to say that he was a prince of a fellow. He will be missed. Bazookas are just no fun  without him.


- Ken 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Biscuit Roller Boogie


From some screwy German TV show circa '78.
Happy Friday, MAGnation!
Stay tuned for a new episode of the MAG podcast tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)

Directed by John Hough
Starring Peter Fonda, Susan George, Adam Roarke
Rated
USA 




“What did I tell you? All you gotta be is willing to take it to the max.”

Based on an obscure novel called The Chase by Richard Unekis, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry is about the birth of the muscle car and the ruckus it raised. Beginning in the mid 60's, car manufacturers began wedging V8 engines into smaller cars. The result were screaming hell-machines that could easily outrun police cars. Subsequently, for a certain breed of thrill-seeking youths, racing cops to the county  line became a popular pastime, and Hollywood noticed. From Vanishing Point to Smoky and the Bandit with dozens of films before, after, and between, muscle cars were all over the cinematic map, blowin' the doors off the fuzz from coast to coast. Crazy Larry takes the standard car chase formula, tosses in a counter-culture anti-hero and a toothy British beauty, and wraps it all up in a devastating finale that was sure to cause major word-of-mouth buzz. Although it was directed by a Brit (John Hough, who was clearly on a roll, having just bashed out Legend of Hell House and the incredible Twins of Evil), Dirty Mary Crazy Larry was a quintessentially American tale, perfectly capturing the twilight days of the all-American road warrior before the gas crisis crippled V8 outlaws like Larry for good.

Over the credits, a downer-folk tune called Time (Is Such a Funny Thing) by Marjorie McCoy. Sounds like trouble from the get-go.


Deke and Larry are a couple of Nascar-wannabes-slash-thieves. Larry (Peter Fonda) is the cool-as-ice driver. Deke (Adam Roarke, RIP) is the tightly-wound mechanic. When the film opens, Larry has just spent a night of what we can only assume was unbridled passion with local floozy Mary (Susan George). He sneaks out while she's still asleep and gets picked up by Deke. She spots him as he drives off. Something tells me that won't be the last Larry sees of 'ol dirty Mary.


The boys have got a heist to get to. They drive into town in awkward silence, and then split up.


Deke home-invades some lady, yanks her right from her shower and tells her to call her husband George (Roddy McDowell) and demand the money, or he's gonna ice her and her kid. George runs a grocery store, and it's armored truck day. Larry's waiting outside of the store waiting for Deke to call and give him the heads-up. When he gets it, Larry saunters right into George's office to fetch the cash from the safe. But George doesn't want to open the safe. Who's this fucker think he's dealing with?


Larry calls Deke back up and gives him the go-ahead to lay some muscle on the broad and her kid.
What can Roddy do? He gives Larry the dough. Larry splits, but runs into a slight problem when he gets outside – Mary found him, and she's got the keys to his car.


He's not in the mood to argue, so he just lets her tag along. He picks up Deke, who left mom and the kid tied up and squirming on the couch. He's not all that happy to see Mary either. I think that's probably a familiar pattern in her life.


And so, off they go, flush with cash, on a wild new adventure.


One problem. As they zoom down the highway, they turn on their police scanner and find out the cops are on them. And not just any cops, either. They've got Capt. Franklin (Vic Morrow, RIP) on their trail. And he's kind of a bad-ass. A rogue. He even refuses to wear a badge or a gun! Larry and Deke are listening to their scanner, so they know the noose is tightening on 'em. Luckily, Larry's not the type to worry.
“Ok, so we're off to a bad start,” he says. “You know what a bad start means with a guy like me? Not a goddamn thing.”
He's making pretty good time, too, until Mary goes bananas and bites Larry, which causes him to lose contol of the Chevy and crash into a barn. Larry tells Mary if she ever does something like that again, he's gonna braid her tits. Ouch!


The gang puts their petty squabbles on hold to fix the car, and once the wheels are back in operation, they do the sensible thing and ditch Mary. However, a few miles down the road, they realize she absconded with their map. And they need it. No GPS in '74.  Larry says he's gonna “break every bone in her crotch”, so they speed back to the general store where they left her. She's still there, sucking on a popsicle. They pick her up. The gang's back together!

And then the chase really begins. Larry's got to shake a cop car and a helicopter, so he jumps over a bridge! They barely make it and Mary yells at him for making a “Flash maneuver”. But that's his specialty, baby!


Of course, things are starting to get a little sticky for our heroes, so they decide to get rid of the Charger and get some new wheels.Luckily they have a sweet stashed at a dusty swap meet. All they have to do is figure out how to get in and out with a million yokels milling about. Mary almost blows the deal when she steals a gizmo from a crusty redneck, but they manage to peel out of there, taking a cop's car door with them.


The cops set up a roadblock, which is what you do in these situations. Also, Capn' Franklin figured out that the fellas have a scanner in their car. And he's got a message for 'em. He calls them clowns and insults Larry's driving, figuring it'll make him angry enough to respond on the two-way radio. And he is, but Deke convinces him to keep his mouth shut. For the moment. And then Deke comes up with a clever way to buy them some time: he gets Mary to pretend she's a police dispatcher. Zing!


So then they run a bunch more cop cars off the road and they finally get to the stretch of the highway where they know the law can't catch them. It is at this point when Larry decides to get on the two-way and confront Franklin.


As Bugs Bunny would say, surely you realize, this means war.

So then they smash into a pick-up truck and almost kill a guy, but what the hell, that's racin'. They pull over to fix their car and Franklin gets on the radio to remind Mary she's on parole. One of the goons back at the swap meet tipped off the cops. Naturally, this does not sit well with Larry, so he knocks her down.


And suddenly, out of nowhere, grumpy ol' Deke get chivalrous. Turns out he's not a bad guy after all, just an ex-drunk looking for a break.


He gives Mary a little pep talk, and then Larry and Deke shakes hands, and they haul ass out of there. Hey, maybe these crazy kids are gonna make it after all!


Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I will say this much: if you like nihilistic 70's endings, they don't get much more nihilistic then this.


Peter Fonda was so cool at this point that line between actor and character is completely erased. In fact, the only reason we know this all didn't really happen is because Fonda's still around. Although with all his recent right-wing ranting, it's clear that the Easy Rider guy is long-gone. Anyway, there are some really interesting stylistic flourishes here and there - most people don't even notice that there's no music in the entire film, until you point it out -  the rampant vehicular abuse is particularly punishing, the ending is amazing, Susan George is alternately alluring and annoying, and the whole affair moves with all the urgency you'd expect on a heist-gone-wrong. It's a classic piece of American drive-in cinema. It practically defines that era and style of film making. Even if you were born too late to have ever set wheels in one of those outdoor shrines to sex, speed, and savagery, you'll feel like you did after watching this movie.



- Ken McIntyre 

Friday, November 18, 2011

School of the Holy Beast (1974)

Direwtyed by Noribumi Suzuki
Starring Yumi Takigawa, Emiko Yamauchi
Unrated
Japan


"Lord, beat me with a whip." 




This film really only needs a one sentence review.  Hot young naked Japanese lesbian nuns.  Yes.  I said hot young naked Japanese lesbian nuns.

There was a plot.  Trite at best, of  a young girl trying to discover what happened to her mother,  so she enters the “School of the Holy Beast” to become a nun and find her past.  The plot really doesn’t matter as this film declares itself “Japan’s most notorious Nun-Exploitation film”.  Does that mean there’s more nun films?  And where can I find them?  I tried to follow what was going on, but a bunch of hot chicks in habits are kind of hard to tell apart, and it got confusing keeping track of who was doing what to who.  But again, it didn’t really matter because of the hot naked lesbian nuns.  Those naughty nuns kept getting in all sorts of trouble and were constantly being punished.  Punishments were all received naked, and consisted of some kind of whipping.  Whether it be two hot young naked nuns whipping each other, one lone nun flogging herself, or our main hot young nun wrapped in thorns and beaten with longstem roses, there were plenty of bloody breasts bared.


 The film is surprisingly well shot with a great use of lighting and color.  Seeing as it was made in 1974, it has a fantastic 70’s feel reminiscent of James Bond films from that time, complete with fluffy white cat warning us upon meeting the Mother Superior, that she is, of course, “ee-ville”.  The lesbian scenes are laughably symbolic, but very pretty, shot in a flower garden in the haze.  While there is nothing explicit shown, the allusion is made with some ridiculous finger licking which had me laughing hysterically.  Better than that is the sex-starved nun finding dirty pictures and going within seconds from horror to horny and having a grand old time with herself.


By far the best part of this DVD is the recent interview with the main actress.  Yumi Takigawa spends a good 15 minutes denouncing this film.  She tells the story of how she was tricked into appearing in it, and how she had no idea of the erotic nature of the script when she signed on.  Come on here, naked, wrapped in thorns, being flogged by a bunch of overly righteous nuns, and she didn’t know the nature of the script?  But on she goes telling us how she was so innocent, and how she regrets making this film.  She even tells us she has no idea why this, of all her films, was put to DVD.  Come on honey, HOT YOUNG NAKED JAPANESE LESBIAN NUNS!  I want to see that.


School of the Holy Beast”  probably isn’t the “shocking, unforgettable masterpiece” it claims to be, and I’m probably not a better person for having seen it.  However, I now have been initiated into the “nun-exploitation” genre, and oh I am surely a better person for that.


- Scarrie Sinsation

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