Black Shampoo (1976)

Directed by Greydon Clark 
Starring John Daniels, Tanya Boyd
Rated R 
USA

"Is this shit for real?"

A late entry in the 70's blaxploitation cycle, Black Shampoo takes the notion of the sex-mad urban black superhero to cartoony new heights, presenting us with a helmet-fro'd slugger so masculine he even makes hairdressing look tough. Mr. Jonathon (full name: Jonathon Knight, although you wouldn't know that unless you scanned the final credits) is a peace-loving, open-minded stud who operates a successful hair salon staffed by two stereotypically swishy gadflies who Jonathon, generously, treats as equals. When he's not cutting hair, he's having sex with his customers in the back room. Life's pretty sweet for Mr. J until he gets mixed up in the personal life of his mob-moll new receptionist. Then things get heavy for this righteous dude.

Greydon Clark, the 70's trash auteur responsible for classic exploiters like Bad Bunch and Satan's Cheerleaders, delivers one of the most iconic characters of 70's sleaze cinema in this unforgettable drive-in classic.

Black Shampoo opens with Mr Jonathon (John Daniels) giving some blonde chick the sexiest shampoo of her life while the chikka-chikka theme song plays.Unable to resist, the blonde yanks on his zipper and gratifies him orally while he stares hard into the camera. This opener is probably the most porn-y scene of any non-porn film ever. It's breathtakingly sleazy.

Cut to: another busy day inside Jonathon's beauty salon. Jon's in the backroom banging the blonde, while another blonde, Mrs. Simpson, waits for her appointment.  When she finds out the first blonde is a friend of hers, she makes a hasty exit, and asks for a house call. Why not? Jon takes the gig.

After he's finished servicing his client, Jon strolls out to see what's up in the salon. Besides Jon, Richard (Gary Allen) and Artie (Skip E Lowe) - two seriously flouncy fellas - cut the hair. The girls would all much rather have Jonathan, naturally, but he's usually too busy boning to actually do his job.

Jon heads out for his house call, and as soon as he splits, some thugs show up to fetch Jon's new receptionist Brenda (Tanya Boyd), who appears to be on the run from some gangster type. Artie tries to defend her, but they manhandle him!

Meanwhile, Jon shows up at Mrs. Simpson's house and is greeted by her two horny teenage daughters.

Naturally, he begins to have has his way with them, until Mrs Simpson shows up and beats them with a belt. And then, to teach them a lesson, she bones him, right in front of them. It's a pretty wild scene, man.

Jon comes back and finds that everybody's gone home, since they were all shook up over the gangster incident. Brenda doesn't want any trouble, so she tries to quit, but Jon wants to hear the whole story first. Seems as though her last boyfriend was some kinda mobster type, and when things got too weird for her, she split. Unfortunately, leaving this dude ain't so easy.

Mr Jonathon doesn't scare that easy though, so they have dinner and then we are treated to a budding relationship montage, complete with a paddle boat sequence and a horrible soft-soul song called "Can You Feel the Love?"

Meanwhile, the boss orders his goons to tear up Jon's place. Which they do, in a pretty half-hearted orgy of destruction. When Jonathon finds out he's pissed, but he's gonna deal with it, man. Artie and Richard take it a lot worse. Also, Artie wears a scarf over his neck brace. Chic!

And then Brenda gets super-naked, and they make sweet 70's blaxploitation love in the shower. So that's good.

Then Brenda goes missing. Jonathon looks all around town, but can't find her. The goons show up at his still-ruined salon and tell them they've got her, so he goes along to see what's up. They head over the boss's place. Brenda's there - with a sweet new hairdo, and not by Jonathon! - and she's suddenly ice-cool to Mr. J. She tells him to beat it. The boss gives even gives him some dough to fix up his salon. And so, what can he do? The cat splits. But he doesn't go without a fight! He fucks everybody up on his way out!

Then, Jon goes back to the salon to mope, but Artie and Richard invite him to a gay BBQ, and that pretty much cheers everybody up. And, indeed, that fuckin' barbeque is amazing! Boobs, vagina, horses, chili, dudes in afros selling belt buckles, a middle-aged drag queen, nudists,  gratuitous ballet dancers, the works. Also, the teacher from Satan's Cheerleaders shows up and asks for Brenda's job. Artie gives it to her. Sweet!

Still, even with all this fun and frolic, Mr Jonathon still feels out-of-sorts, so he zooms up to his cabin in the woods to get his head together, man. Meanwhile, Brenda steals the boss's address book when he's not looking. So something's up there. Also meanwhile, Mr Jonathan chainsaws firewood with his shirt off, wearing skin-tight Levis and cowboy boots. Seems inappropriate for the job. Brenda shows up at the salon looking for Jonathon. She has a heart to heart with Artie, and he sends her off to the woods.

And then the thugs show up again and beat up Richard and Artie. Jonathon's not gonna like that.

Then Brenda and Jonathon reunite! She tells him what's really going on. He's ok with it. Slow, soulful lovemaking ensues.

Meanwhile, they torture poor Artie with a hair curler! Ouch!

After the lovin', Mr Jonathon decides it's time to get revenge on the boss. But before he can take the book to the cops, Mr. Big and his thugs show up the cabin and run over Jonathon's best bud/handyman! Outnumbered and outgunned, he picks up a chainsaw, and he and Brenda take off into the woods. Bloody mayhem ensues. Will Mr. Jonathon live to bang his customers another day?

Of course he will. He's got a lot to live for. And a chainsaw. And an axe! And a pool cue! Things get pretty gruesome at the end.

Black Shampoo is a crowd-pleasing stew of exploitation staples that hits every major 70's B-flick trope along the way: hot girls, cool hero, sniveling bad guys, ludicrous dialogue, a groovy soundtrack, a gratuitous love story, graphic violence, and, in Mr. Jonathon's open-minded hiring policy, a sniff of social relevance. In the hands of a less able director, Black Shampoo's third act could be a deal breaker, as the film's light, goofy, horny tone is suddenly tossed aside for a pretty audacious climactic orgy of bloody violence. However, Clark makes all the chainsaw hacking and leaky gut-wounds seem like the logical conclusion to a week or so of poolside balling and gay rodeos. In Mr Jonathon, he created perhaps the ultimate 70's superhero, a socially hip, sexually potent working-man so bad-ass he can cut a woman's hair, take a casual paddleboat ride in the park with his girlfriend, and then go and kill a bunch of motherfuckers, pretty much all in one afternoon. Effortlessly entertaining and compulsively watchable, Black Shampoo is highly recommended for sleaze-beasts, cheap-thrill seekers, and aspiring hairstylists-slash macho men alike.



- Ken McIntyre

10 (1979)

Directed by Blake Edwards
Starring Dudley Moore, Julie Andrews, Bo Derek
Rated R
USA

In 1979, this poster -- and the buzz surrounding the film it advertised -- fairly mesmerized moviegoers catching a glimpse of it in the theater hallway on their way to or from other features. Especially if you happen to be around the age of its title, as was the case for your humble reviewer.

It was a time when “Rated R” meant something, promising all sorts of then-forbidden delights -- most particularly to those of us not yet old enough to be permitted without parent or guardian. Ubiquitous ads featuring the soon-to-be-iconic image of model-turned-actress Bo Derek’s slo-mo beach run only added to the intrigue.

When I did eventually see the Blake Edwards-directed comedy a couple of years later (on VHS, natch), I was still many years away from its middle-aged target audience. Nevertheless, I was able to follow the film’s somewhat simple message that reality never quite lives up to our dreams.

Such is the lesson learned by the film’s central protagonist, George Webber (Dudley Moore). And probably by most of those in the audience, too, many of whom probably felt afterwards like they had been suckered in a little by that poster.

The story opens on George’s well-attended surprise birthday party. We soon learn he’s a very successful and famous songwriter with a number of Broadway productions to his credit. He’s in a relationship with Samantha Taylor (Julie Andrews), a singer-performer who has recorded songs penned by George and his gay songwriting partner, Hugh (Robert Webber).

George, we learn, has just turned 42 (a couple of years older than Sam). A brief, semi-drunken, kinda-clichéd conversation with her reveals that despite possessing fame, fortune, and her affection, George is nonetheless deeply mired in a midlife-crisis-type funk.














The next morning, George and Hugh work on a song, then George heads back to his mansion in his fancy, cream-colored Rolls Royce while listening to his girlfriend on the car’s 8-track. Anybody else remember those?














As he drives, George is further distracted by ladies jogging in the California sun. Then, in a scene lifted from American Graffiti, at a stoplight George catches a fleeting glimpse of a goddess in a neighboring vehicle. It’s a bride, on her way to her wedding, and we recognize her from the ads as the beautiful Bo.

She locks eyes with George for a moment...














...which causes George impetuously to follow her car to the church where her wedding is about to take place.

That he manages in his distracted state to wreck the Rolls is hardly surprising. The fact that he smashes head-on with a police car only adds to the fun, the first of numerous stapstick-like moments in the movie that remind us of director Edwards’ Pink Panther pedigree.

After being ticketed, George parks it and goes to eavesdrop on the wedding between the girl -- Jenny -- and David (Sam Jones, soon to become better known as the star of the following year’s Flash Gordon). While watching from afar, a bee tries to nest in George’s schnoz, causing the scene to end loudly and painfully for him.














As Jim Ether might say, it looks as though we've gotten ourselves involved in a bee-movie here. (Rim shot.)

At dinner that night, Sam believes George’s story that a bee flew in the car, causing the accident. But she can tell something is wrong, and asks him to explain the “strange vibrations” he’s giving off. He remains non-communicative, however, preferring instead to use his telescope to spy on the nonstop orgy happening over at his swinging neighbor’s pad.














George and Sam end up having a heated conversation about George's peeping at his neighbor's impressive "stable" of "broads" (as George describes them). Their debate devolves into an academic -- and more than a little tedious -- argument over the term "broad" during which George even gets out a dictionary.

You know things aren’t going well in your movie about girls when characters start reading from dictionaries. Unless it's House on Bare Mountain we're talking about, which contains some of the best dictionary-reading scenes in cinematic history.

The truth is, the movie really seems more like a play than a film, here. Not only is it very talky, but it is hard not to watch without thinking of Moore and Andrews -- both obviously capable, talented actors -- as “Acting” (with a capital “A”), rather than the characters really arguing/interacting/living.

In other words, it’s become clear it might be awhile before we get to see Bo running on the beach like in the ads. But we persevere.

Their squabble ends with Sam leaving in a huff. Their conflict goes unresolved over the next lengthy stretch thanks to a more-ponderous-than-humorous game of phone tag between the two. Meanwhile, George acts curmudgeonly with Hugh, then goes to see his psychiatrist.

George tries to tell his shrink about what he felt upon seeing the girl -- Jenny -- not just a perfect “10,” but an “11,” according to George.














“You're becoming obsessed with the ugliness of old age" says the shrink, somewhat judgmentally.

The shrink could be right. In any case, it is certain George is also obsessed with Jenny, and so goes back to the church and meets the preacher who performed the ceremony in an effort to find out more about her.

He gets her full name, but not until after having to endure a sorta-funny scene that includes the reverend (Max Showalter) forcing the famous songwriter to hear one of his compositions. There’s also an elderly housekeeper in there who has uncontrollable flatulence.

Again, the goofy stuff kinda comes and goes, which mitigates the tedium somewhat although tends to make the whole film seem uneven.

George also learns from the preacher that Jenny’s father is a dentist and so he schedules an appointment.














From the dentist George eventually learns of Jenny's honeymoon destination in Mexico. More silly novocaine-painkiller-and-booze-related hijinks ensue, culminating in George finally getting to party down a little at his neighbors’.














Unfortunately for George -- as he sees to his horror through his neighbor's telescope -- Sam spies him in the middle of his good time.














The divide between the two deepens, further encouraging George to continue down this reckless path. He moves headlong into a full-blown drunken bender -- Moore is kind of prepping for 1981’s Arthur here, it seems -- which ultimately carries him all of the way to Mexico in search of the lovely Jenny.

We’re over an hour into the sucker when George arrives in Mexico where he soon develops a sloppy friendship with the hotel’s bartender, Don (Brian Dennehy). George ends up talking to Sam via phone at the bar, when Jenny and her new hubby, David, arrive.














That conversation ends with Sam telling George to “piss off.” In response, George gets further pissed. Eventually he meets another woman, Mary (Dee Wallace), and they end up back in his room. When George has trouble closing the deal with Mary, it only increases both characters’ self-loathing.

Finally... finally... George goes to the beach, donning an unbecoming, uncomfortable gray sweatsuit. There he steals looks at the dizzying spectacle that is Jenny...














Here is where George also has the daydream from which comes the iconic image of Derek running on the beach, a scene subsequently spoofed many times over, though which itself is pretty funny with the dumpy George filling the role of romantic hero -- a spoof in its own right of other From Here to Eternity-type scenes of beach romance.

However -- somewhat improbably -- George does turn “hero” when he rescues Jenny’s husband after he falls asleep on his surfboard and dangerously drifts out to sea. This in turn leads to George actually, incredibly succeeding in his quest to meet and get closer to Jenny.














Will leave further details aside, other than to say that while we do get to see more of Derek, it’s up for debate whether or not it was worth the wait. And to note that what follows would aggressively insert Ravel’s “Bolero” into pop culture’s collective consciousness right along with Derek’s beaded cornrows.

As I say above, even as a younger viewer the movie’s not-too-subtle message about reality never quite matching fantasy was clear enough. Indeed, a line near the end by George’s swinging neighbor (played by Don Calfa) seems to suggest that Edwards had an idea that his audience might be feeling similarly let down after two hours of this. Looking through his telescope at George, his neighbor complains that he’s “been providing X-rated entertainment” for a long time, while George has only “been providing PG! It’s an iniquitous arrangement!”

For youngsters in the late ’70s, then, 10 hardly lived up to the promise of forbidden delights as delivered via posters, ads, or videocassette boxes.














Such would again prove the case with Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981) and Bolero (1984), a couple of other popular (and R-rated) teaser-titles starring Derek.

As an older viewer, I still can’t really say I enjoy 10 all that much, even if certain critics insist on championing the film as one of Edwards’ best.

Putting aside its general failure to stimulate in other ways, intellectually-speaking I can’t help but find the movie's messages too obvious and the whole production too scattered to be consistently enjoyable. And as far as George goes, while it made sense for me not to have been able to identify with him back when I first saw the film, I still can’t really relate that much to the Rolls Royce-driving bumbler today either, despite now being closer to the character’s age.

Still a good poster, though.

- Triple S

Species (1995)

Directed by Roger Donaldson

Starring Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Forrest Whitaker, Natasha Henstridge

Rated R

USA

"Should I leave a message?"

"Yeah. Tell him he's about to copulate with a creature from outer space."

In Species' dramatic opening, the improbably named Dr Xavier Fitch (Ben Kingsley) poisons Michelle Williams - who's inside some glass bubble - with cyanide, hoping to kill her. But instead she busts out and escapes. She hauls ass out of the (presumably) secret medical facility she's in and manages to hop a freight train. And then she kills a hobo.  One of those rare mid 90's hobos. She switches over to a commuter rail train, robs a few people, eats a banana wrong, dreams about a train with teeth, and then starts turning into a tentacled monster.

What sort of madness is this?

Let's go back to the lab to find out! Four people are assembled for reasons unknown and asked to wait for further instructions. This motley crew includes two scientists, Dr. Laura Baker (Marg Helgenberger) and Dr Steve Arden (Alfred Molina); a psychic, Dan Smithson (Forrest Whitaker) and...well, it's never really clear what Preston Lennox (Michael Madsen) does, but he's clearly some sort of bad-ass.

And then Ben Kingsley explains what's up. Aliens! Turns out the aliens sent a DNA sequence to mix aliens with humans.  They used it once, and it grew into Michelle Williams - code name "Sil" -  and now it's running amuck. He called Preston and the gang together to hunt her down, using their unique abilities. And so it begins.

Sil quickly evolves from button-nosed Michelle Williams to gorgeous Natasha Henstridge. Hubba hubba! Lennox and crew inspect the train she went bananas in and find the bloody results of her transformation.

The gang figure she's in LA, so they head out there.  Shouldn't be too hard to find her, since she's wearing a lace Xanadu dress and a fanny pack.

The crew tries to make a new alien without the human DNA and it turns into a scary monster. They have to burn it before it kills them all!

Meanwhile, Natasha Henstridge checks into a motel and then heads out to a nightclub to find a man for mating purposes. She hits on some dude but gets vadge-blocked by another chick. So she kills her. Then she takes her shirt off and picks up another dude.

He takes her home and she shows him her boobs, but then he gets grabby, and things turn out badly for him.

And then she takes a blood shower!

Sil gets hit by a car and gets all smashed up, so some dude in a convertible takes her to the hospital. She manages to heal herself pretty quick though, and saunters out of the hospital on her own. She leaves with the dude and has some cheese and he takes a few Polaroids of her. Seems valid. And then she gets naked again for a hot tub romp with the guy. Hooray!

Madsen figures out what's up, and tries to warn the guy.

He doesn't answer the phone, which proves to be his undoing, because she turns into a monster and tongue-fucks him to death.

Then she runs around naked until she finds somebody to carjack while Ben Kingley fumbles around with his crew.

Then she cuts off her own thumb, as well as one of her kidnap victim's thumbs. Sil's quickly grows back. The other lady, not so much. She gets a bunch of gasoline and puts in her car and then leads Kingsley and co on a car chase through the Hollywood hills, complete with helicopters and a fiery explosion. And that's it. Game over.

Or is it? Of course, it is not. Sil just blew up the kidnapped chick to make it look like it was her. Then she dyed her hair brunette to throw people off. Then she heads back to the hotel and seduces the nerdy scientist. More awesome Henstridge nudity!

So Madsen busts in, but it's too late! She killed him and got out! They have to get her before she gives birth to super monster babies!

So then they all chase Sil (now a Giger-designed mecha-bio slime beastie around in the sewer. She also gives birth to more monsters who look like regular babies, except they eat live rats with prehensile tongues. It's pretty nuts.

And then they go a little berserk with the CGI monsters. You know how these things go. 

While it takes virtually all of its cues from 80's sci-fi flicks - most notably Aliens, The Hidden, and Lifeforce - Species nonetheless possesses a singular charm, one borne from A-list actors twitching, gesticulating, and vamping through their scenes like a delusional high school drama club, and from the perfectly adolescent thrill of seeing a truly breathtaking beauty get naked every ten or so minutes. Throw in a ridiculous looking monster, gobs of slime and gore, eye-rolling dialogue, gratuitous fanny packs, and a snot-covered toddler catching rats with a prehensile tongue, and you've got a minor cult-classic on your hands, one that stands up to repeated watching, as each viewing reveals new layers of nonsense and overacting.

 

Although Henstridge only returned for one, Species is survived by at least 3 sequels. I haven't seen any of them, but I'm assuming, based on the original, that they are all fuckin' awesome.

- Ken McIntyre