Sugar and Spice (2001)

Directed by Francine McDougall
Starring Mena Suvari, Marley Shelton, Melissa George, Rachel Blanchard
Rated PG-13
USA

"Then, there's Hannah Wald. She's this uber-Christian, doesn't really say much. In fact, if she wasn't kinda pretty, you'd say ''Hey, who's the 'tard?'"

Everybody loves cheerleaders, especially cheerleaders gone bad. Sugar & Spice exploits this fact to the fullest, presenting us with a squad of mouth-watering, candy-colored, high school cheer-girls with a Cuckoo's Nest of dysfunctions who decide that perhaps robbing banks is the simplest way to financial independence. The film was written and directed by women (Mandy Nelson and Francine McDougall, respectively), and, much like the original Slumber Party Massacre, it walks that fine line between winking femme-powered satire and male sexual fantasy. Sure, sly statements are being made about a women's role in society and adolescent girls' inhumanity to other adolescent girls, but it's also 81 minutes' worth of hot chicks in cheerleader outfits robbing banks. So it works either way. Sugar and Spice was not a huge hit during its initial 2001 release, possibly because the PG rating threw off the sort of sleaze-beasts that gravitate towards movies about desperado cheerleaders. A pity. I could have gone for three or four sequels, ala the sadly less criminal-minded cheerleader series Bring It On.

As our tangled saga opens, Lisa (Marla Sokoloff, Dude Where's My Car?) is being interrogated by a couple cops. Clearly, some crazy shit has gone down. She's been on the 'B' squad for years, so she's pretty happy to spill the beans about Lincoln High's cheerleader bitches. She describes them all in detail for the cops. Diane Weston (Marley Shelton, Planet Terror) is the captain of the squad, which makes sense, since she's the cheerleader-iest of the bunch. Perpetually sunny and upbeat, Diane's the kind of girl most other girls fantasize about murdering on a daily basis. Then there's Hannah (Rachel Blanchard, Clueless the TV series) the lunk-headed Jesus freak, Cleo (Aussie b-movie goddess Melissa George), a tightly-wound manic-depressive obsessed with Conan O'Brien, Kansas (Mena Suvari), the flame-haired, trucker-tongued rebel-girl) and Lucy (Sara Marsh), an obsessive-compulsive neat-freak. Just your average gang of super-hot weirdo high school chicks.

Flashback to simpler times. It's a new year at Lincoln High, time for a pep rally. First, the creaky old principal gives an inappropriate speech ("If you experience milky seepage, let someone know!"), and then the cheerleading squad does a routine set to Gary Glitter's Rock n' Roll Part 2. It's all an elaborate build-up to the introduction of Lincoln High's newest star quarterback, Jack Bartlett (James Marsden, Sex Drive). Jack barely makes it onto the gym floor before Diane mows him down with her reckless somersaulting. It's love as first physical assault. And so a little ditty, if you will, about Jack and Diane begins.

At first, things seem to go pretty well for our star couple. Everybody at school (well, except for Lisa) loves them, and they're shoo-ins for homecoming king and queen. But when they announce to their parents on the night of the dance that Diane is pregnant, things start spiraling downward. Their parents throw them out, forcing the couple to rent a seedy apartment and get after-school jobs. Jack scores a sweet gig at the video store, while Diane gets hired as a clerk at their local grocery store's bank. Life rolls on, but being young and poor ain't easy, even for the homecoming king and queen. Jack and Diane soon find themselves worn down and still broke. One fateful night, the other cheerleaders drop by to lift Diane's spirits. They pop in one of their favorite films, Point Break, wherein surfer dude Keanu Reeves wears a Nixon mask and robs a bank. Suddenly, it all becomes clear to Diane. She works at a bank. Why not get her friends to help her rob it, and then divvy up the money? Financial problems solved!

In order to successfully pull off their heist, the girls watch Heat, Reservoir Dogs, Dog Day Afternoon, and...umm...The Apple Dumpling Gang (Hannah's only allowed to watch G-Rated movies) to come up with a solid plan. Seems valid. And then Hannah and Kansas get into a hair-pulling girlfight while waiting for Diane at the doctor's office. So that was good.

Diane finds out she's having twins. She is also unsure that watching movies is going to make them good bank robbers, so she wants to drop their crazy scheme. Kansas thinks they might have a better chance if they get advice from real criminals, so she visits her mom (Sean Young) in jail. Mom shot a guy at some point. Mom agrees, and gets all her friends on the inside to offer up advice, as well. The girls make daily visits to the prison to pick up tips.

Obviously, you need some guns to pull off a caper, so next they visit a greasy bug killer named "The Terminator" (W Earl Brown, who played Meat Loaf in the 2000 TV Movie Meat Loaf: To Hell and Back) to buy some illegal firearms. They do not have the necessary scratch to purchase said weapons, but he makes a deal with them: he'll give them the guns if they allow his mousy daughter Fern (adorable Alexandra Holden, under a layer of grease and grime) to join the cheerleading squad. Why not?

Now that they're armed, the girls try a few practice robberies, including a pretty sweet lunch lady heist. And then they take time out for their midwinter pep rally. They are still cheerleaders, after all.

Jack sells his car to buy Diane a Christmas present, so the girls are forced to use the Terminator's work van for the bank robbery. Fern acts as the getaway driver, which is no easy feat, since the van has no breaks.

The girls all wear matching outfits - American flag dresses and rubber girly-masks. Lucy - who quit because she got a scholarship to Harvard - comes to her senses and joins back up with the gang, wearing a Nixon mask and a suit.

The cheerleader-bankrobbers hit the grocery store and execute their plan. Things are going pretty good, but Lisa, who happened to be in the store at the time, notices that the girls are doing cheerleader moves to knock out the cameras.

And then some crazy fucker with a knife tries to thwart them, so they shoot him. Or at least they shoot some boxes of Cheerios. Shots are fired, at any rate. Also, Diane vomits into her bag of money. Otherwise, it's flawless.

Later on, while the girls are counting their stolen loot in their underwaer, they watch news reports about the robbery. Lisa is interviewed, but she sounds insane, so they drag her away. The reporter says, "If you haven't heard, five pregnant Betties robbed the bank today". You never hear cool shit like that on the news. The story becomes a national obsession. Kurt Loder even does a report on it. The cops finally follow up on Lisa's rantings, and the girls start to panic.

Word gets around, and the girls become the most feared/loathed students in the school. They finally have a face-off with Lisa and the B-squad for cheerleader dominance. Said face-off ends with the FBI arrested our heroines. So I guess they lost.

And then they have the best criminal line-up photo ever.

So, what happens? Do they all end up in prison?

No. It's a cheerleader movie, man. Cheeleader movies all have happy endings.

Essentially a neon-colored black comedy - and what high school experience isn't, really? - Sugar & Spice manages to thoroughly entertain without any of the usual teen movie trappings: there's no shower scenes, no nerds being tortured, no mad slashers in the woods, not even an F-bomb. There is only the simple pleasure of watching pretty girls do cool/weird stuff. This not the easiest trick to pull off, but occasionally - see also Mean Girls, Jawbreaker, and Josie and the Pussycats - it works perfectly. I guess it also helps that you can find topless pix of most of the cheerleaders on the internet right after you finish watching it.

All the main cast members went on to do higher-profile work, with the sole exception of Sara Marsh, who has yet to make another movie. Perhaps she really did go to Harvard. Director McDougall went to direct a kid's television show called "Imagination Movers". I have never heard of it, but then I don't have children. If you do, you probably know every episode by heart. Sugar and Spice is highly recommended to anyone who loves cheerleaders. Or hates them. Or loves them but also hates them. And I think that covers everybody.

- Ken McIntyre

Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

Directed by Mark Freed
Starring Traci Lords, Karen Russell, Aldo Ray, Stephen Quadros
Rated R
USA

"I wanna order a fuckin' pizza!"

Shock 'Em Dead's official release date is 1991, although I suspect it was shot two years' prior, since all the posters on the rehearsal room walls are vintage 1989. But what needs to be acknowledged right off the bat is this: if it were not for Kurt Cobain, heavy metal would have gone on virtually forever. It certainly shows no signs of slowing here, as Shock 'Em Dead is awash in gratuitous guitar noodling, acid-wash denim, poofy hair, and a mindless obsession with partying and pizza. Although it was written and directed by the mysterious and long-gone Mark Freed, it could have just as easily been concocted by Beavis and Butthead during a Dr Pepper binge. Notable mostly for featuring a post-porn Traci Lords in a sizable but thankless role, Shock 'Em Dead is one the VHS era's more audacious obscurities, and makes for a perfect late 80's time capsule.

As our story opens, we meet the members of Spastique Colon, a goofy flash metal band led by one Johnny Crack (Markus Grupa), a fussy, flouncing, chronically pissed-off mess of a man in a headband and a belly shirt. 'The Colon', as I like to call them, are auditioning for a new guitar player. They've got a big showcase gig for high-powered metal promoter Jimmi Wolf coming up in two days, and an already-booked tour kicking off right after. So, the hustle is on, and the auditions are not going well.

Linsday (Traci Lords, in extremely high-waisted jeans), is their manager. She's also Greg-the-bass player's girlfriend. That's bound to cause friction later. Lindsay informs the fellas that they're out of candidates. In desperation, they call Martin (Stephen Quadros), a friend of the keyboard player's. Martin works at Tony's pizza, which has pizzas on the walls, with secret peepholes to watch the buxom waitresses get dressed for their shift.

Tony (50's actor Aldo Ray, in his last-ever role) doesn't want to let Martin leave early for his audition, so he quits. And then Tony smears tomato sauce all over his shirt. Take that, Martin!

Martin shows up for the audition, but it turns out, he can't actually play the guitar. So, quitting his day job may have been premature. Out of options, the fellas decide to go with the "Guy with the ring in his nose".

Martin goes back to work and tries to get his job back, but Tony tosses him out on his ass.
While he's lying there in the dirt, a mysterious voodoo woman (Tyger Sodpipe, who appears to be a stroke victim) shows up and tells Martin she can give him the power to destroy jerks like Tony. So, that's something to think about.

Martin drags himself home - he lives in a trailer - and practices his guitar. In stomps his landlord (the awesomely named Yankee Sulivan, dressed just like Schneider from One Day at a Time), who punches him in the stomach for making a racket, and then evicts him, for being six months late with the rent.

Since he's pretty much out of options, he goes to visit the voodoo lady, and agrees to sell his soul in exchange for becoming the "Greatest rock star in the world". So she stabs him in the chest, and he has a dream where he's a werewolf, and he meets Metal Satan, who plays a two-necked guitar and has hot blondes rub his leather-clad legs while he shreds. Metal Satan also has black fingernails. He's pretty bad-ass.

When Martin wakes up, he's in a swank pad, he has a poofy black wig on, and he's wearing guyliner. He's also got company - two lingerie-clad metal chicks, Monique (Laurel Wiley, Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000) and Michelle (Karen Russell, Vice Academy, Hell High, Tenement). They inform him that everything in the house is his. He tests the water by smashing a statue and groping Michelle. All systems are, indeed, go.

Martin's got a closet full of bitchin' metal threads, so he gets dressed, jumps into his convertible, and zooms right over to that rehearsal space to audition for Spastique Colon again. This time, he nails it.

He tells them his name is "Angel Martin", and everybody thinks that's pretty awesome. He joins the band and invites everybody over to his place for a party. Traci is somewhat suspect of this brash young man with the Elvira wig, but fuck it, he can play the guitar pretty good. The guitar parts, by the way, are all played in close-up by Chicago-based shredder Michael Angelo Batio, best known for his late 80's stint in Jim Gillette's notorious hair-explosion Nitro. Fun fact.

A triumphant Martin goes home and bangs Michelle on a waterbed. Halfway through, he sees her reflection in the mirror - she's actually a burnt-up mess. She explains to him that she and the other girls made deals with Metal Satan. She was a burn victim who wanted to be beautiful again. A third girl, Marilyn (Gina Parks), was born with some sort of facial deformity, and Monique had terminal cancer. Satan let her come back, but she has to kill people with a ceremonial dagger and absorb their life force to keep going.
"Well, what's my deal?" Martin naturally asks.
"Dunno," shrugs Michelle. "But I'm sure you'll find out soon enough."
And so he does. Turns out, he's in the same boat as Monique. He can't eat actually food, he needs to kill people for nourishment. As he was formerly a big snacker, this comes as quite a blow. No time to ponder this miserable fate, however, as folks have arrived for the big heavy metal house party.

In the middle of this revelry, voodoo lady shows back up. She gives him a bitchin' dagger kit to murder people with and shuffles off. Martin starts hassling her about how we wants to bang Traci Lords - join the club, right? - so she tells him he's got to mix her blood with water or somesuch nonsense.

Afterward, Martin wants to blow off some steam, so he and a couple of his new band buddies head over to Tony's to steal pizzas and stick the waitress's face in a vat of sauce. What a dick.

Later on, he goes back to stab Tony to death. He's not very good at fighting though, and the scrappy old bastard kicks his ass. Luckily Monique shows up to help him, and together, they drain Tony of his life juices. Then he goes home and sleeps with all three of his devil girls in his waterbed.

After a good night's sleep, Martin heads over to the 'Showcase gig', where he meets scuzzball promoter Jimmi Wolf (Madison Monk, looking like he just wandered off the Sha Na Na set).

While the rest of the fellas are schmoozing with Wolf, bandleader Jonny Crack is in the bathroom, shooting up. Very unprofessional. He does make it to the stage on time, though, dressed in a red spandex body suit. The band launches into "I'm a Virgin Girl", and people seem to dig it, mostly because of Martin's Yngwie Malmsteen-esque guitar wanking.

Halfway through, Martin boots Jonny right off the stage and finishes the song himself. Then he busts out the double-necked guitar for an extended solo. And then, just to finish 'em all off, he plays a tune called "I'm in Love With a Slut" Dejected, Jonny finds himself in the parking lot, unable to even get back into the club to retrieve his car keys. And so he is forced to sit on the hood of his station wagon and quietly sob over this horrible and unfair turn of events.

After the triumphant gig, Martin is feeling peckish, so talks a groupie into going for a ride with him.
"Where are we going?" She asks him, innocently.
"You're going to Heaven," he tells her, "And I'm going to Hell."
And then he stabs her in the tits.

Just then, Jonny shows up to beat him with a stick for trying to steal his gig, but when he sees Martin's green-glowing eyes, he drops his weapon and prances away. Martin chases and, we're assuming, eats him. At the after-party, a couple of record execs - including a slumming Troy Donahue - try to sign Spastique Colon, but Martin brushes them aside.

Then he takes Lindsay home, and plays the acoustic guitar for her. At first, that seems to be going pretty good, but then his eyes start glowing and he pukes up green slime. And then, while she's spouting a bunch of bullshit about how she loves her boyfriend Greg, Martin lets a snake out of a basket. Nothing comes of any of this though, so I'm not sure what the point was.

Lindsay goes home and Greg shows up to tell her that Jonny Crack is dead. She admits she was over at Martin's, but when Greg complains about it, she snaps at him and then she pouts. And when she pouts, you quickly remember why she was, briefly, the biggest porn star in the world.

The next day, Martin signs a sweet deal with Casualty Records and then tries to talk Lindsay into fucking him. She bails and then Greg comes in looking for her, and sees one of the girls' monster faces, and freaks out. The drummer dude says he saw the same thing at the party, so Greg tells him to get a cop. And then Martin sits on the couch and reads "Cooking Light" magazine. And then some girl shows up and takes her top off. So that was good.

Greg sees Martin and Monique slaughtering the topless girl, so he fetches the cops, and they show up to get to the bottom of things.

Luckily for Martin, the girls thought on their feet, and they shoved the slaughtered groupie into the dishwasher. The cops shrug and split.
"New rule," says Martin. "From now on, we always eat out!"

Later on, Michelle stomps on over to Lindsay's house because she's tired of her putting the moves on Martin. They end up in an awesome knife/cat fight, and after Martin intervenes, Michelle gets stabbed and then turns into a pile of ash. The jig's pretty much up at this point, so Martin just wants to put the voodoo mojo on Lindsay and be done with it. He phones home to tell the girls to bring his dagger and his snake to the "Ampitheatre" so he can get this shit done.

Meanwhile, Greg goes to visit the tipsy voodoo lady to find out what he can do to stop Martin and save Lindsay. She tells him it's possible, but he will have to pay a very steep price. Is he willing to wager his soul to save the love of his life?

No. But he does have another plan. It involves a trip to the Survival Store - I suppose it would have to - and a tube of Coconut flavored "Food Concentrate". Mayhem, of a sort, ensues.

From all reports, director Freed had no prior knowledge or interest in the LA metal scene
before making Shock 'Em Dead, which might be the key to its goofy charm. Camp only works when it doesn't mean to, after all, and there are so many glaring missteps here that it could only be a happy accident. For example, who, in their right mind, would cast a hysterical queen like Markus Grupa as the lead singer of a sex-obsessed heavy metal band? That takes either towering genius or startling ineptitude, and I suspect it's the latter.

If Shock 'Em Dead is remembered at all these days, it's as a minor, too-late entry into the 80's heavy metal horror canon. While all those films are pretty woeful as well, Shock 'Em Dead is so much more than bad heavy metal married to questionable filmmaking techniques. This film is not merely bad, it's utterly wrong-headed, a confusing mish-mash of terrible ideas crammed together in an orgy of ear-gouging tunes, bad clothes, worse hair, lame dialogue, and jaw-dropping acting performances. While the film slows down after the unfortunate demise of Johnny Crack - clearly one of the 80's greatest anti-heroes - this grubby little also-ran is a consistently entertaining pile of junk that very nearly rivals Troll 2 in its ecstatic awfulness. Well worth checking out, although be forewarned: you will never get "She's a Virgin Girl" our of your head. Ever.

Get your copy of Shock 'Em Dead in an extras-loaded DVD reissue at the film's official website.

- Ken McIntyre

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1987)

Directed by James Fargo
Starring Pia Zadora, Craig Scheffer, Ruth Gordon
Rated PG
USA

"Can I get you a doctor? Or a vanilla shake?"

Surreal Devo-meets-Grease sci-fi teen comedy musical featuring cult Hollywood rockabilly's 'Jimmy & The Mustangs', Pia Zadora ('Hairspray'), Craig Scheffer ('Some Kind of Wonderful' etc), Michael Berryman ('The Hills Have Eyes') and.....Jermaine Jackson??!!!

Some futuristic aliens traveling through space in a guitar shaped spaceship see a 'rock music' video ( 'When the Rain Begins to Fall' by Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson). The video is a weird Mad Max type thing with 2 gangs of rival feral "street toughs" wearing face paint and headbands, and Pia and Jermaine prancing around, miming. Naturally, the aliens are instantly hooked on rock music and travel to earth looking like synth poppers Devo, with their robot sidekick. Arriving in the beach town of Speelburg they try to fit in with the local youths.
It just so happens that in this town resides a young hoodlum by the name of Frankie (Craig Scheffer). Frankie likes to sing with 'his' band, played in the movie by Jimmy & The Mustangs. Their music scenes are in the style of music videos, , particularly good is the clip for foot-tapping rock n' roll quiff-a-thon 'Justine'.

The aliens also perform music and when Frankie's girl Dee Dee (Pia Zadora) sees them she finds herself strangely attracted to the singer, who is the opposite to Frankie's tough guy 'male persona'. The alien singer also falls in love with Dee Dee, despite the fact he has had his emotions removed. Frankie is annoyed and sings a song about 'the nature of the beast' and his 'male persona' in the style of a George Michael-esque pop video, accompanied by footage of wildcats.

There is a big rock aliens vs Frankie's band musical battle royale, 80s synth pop vs rock n' roll, some kind of metaphor for old vs new I guess. Dee Dee gets the chance to join the rock alien's band and live with Devo-esque singer but decides she can't live on a distant planet with no emotions though, and decides to stick with Frankie.

There are also some fun scenes with monsters and Michael Berryman attacking things with a chainsaw!

If this all sounds bizarre, that is because it is! So, summarizing this movie is quite a challenge. All in all quite a fun movie that doesn't quite live up to the promise of its title. It was probably cutting edge at the time, fusing MTV style video scenes, music, and film, contrasting futuristic space aliens with retro rock n roll, Grease with Dr Who. However, maybe a bit too complicated for its own good, and probably a tad overlong, I had to watch it in 2 sittings. I got the impression that it was made on a limited budget which got over-stretched. But this film is fun and worth watching if you should happen to find a copy (and you dig your screwball 80s high school type movies). File under 'so bad its quite entertaining', rather than its 'so bad its genius/brilliant'.

Bonus: Jimmy speaks!

Jimmy & The Mustangs emerged from the Punk Scene in Southern California in the late 70's and early 80's. Evolving from roots-punk into a rockabilly/swing band, their reputation grew and they opened for X, The Blasters, Los Lobos, Chuck Berry, The Stray Cats and Joe Ely, just to name a few. It wasn't long before Jimmy and the Mustangs were headlining the same clubs with sold out shows of their own. Their first album sold in excess of 40,000 copies and Jimmy & The Mustangs were hired by Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin fame to perform at his own private party, then also sought out by Bruce Springsteen, who joined them onstage.

Television and Movie appearances followed, including a big part in cult classic 'Voyage of The Rock Aliens'. A self titled E.P. was released on the Curb/MCA label and included the song "Justine" which was made into a video as part of the 'Voyage....' deal, and received play on MTV (back when it was cool) as well as being included in the movie (and is one of the best scenes!)

After some time out from rock n' roll (and movies) Jimmy is back. Although he does not seem particularly proud of the movie, his band have some of the best scenes in it, so I tracked him down for a brief Q&A:

Introductions: who are you? Where are you from? Describe your sound?
Hola! Jimmy Mustang Here! Originally from Los Angeles California and now tearin' up the Lone Star State in Austin Texas. Our sound is a bit of Country Rock, Rockabilly and Cow Punk. Like a grizzly bear trapped in a bird cage.

Your music is in the movie, is that you guys acting, too?
You call that acting?

Clip: Jimmy and the boys hamming it up!

How did you become involved with the movie?
We needed to eat.

Any interesting stories about the making of the movie? Any stories about Pia Zadora?
We shared a plate of Fries.

Did the movie have any impact on your career? What happened next for Jimmy & The Mustangs?
We got a pretty good 80's rock Video out of the deal.

Your favourite music video scene from the movie? Mine is 'Justine' because it is fun rock n' roll.
Same.

Did you play on 'Nature of the Beast' (the one with the panthers etc) or just the rockabilly songs?
Hell no. Just the Rockabilly tunes.

What are you up to now? Still rockin'? Anything else you want to talk about?
After a long time away from the music scene, I'm back in the studio, recording a new album and planning to try and get over to Europe sometime next year!

Visit Jimmy at his Myspace Page!

- Review and interview by Alex Eruptor

PS: Click here to listen to Voyage of the Rock Aliens episode of the Movies About Girls Podcast!

Savage Beach (1989)

Directed by Andy Sidaris
Starring Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Teri Weigel
Rated R
USA

"We should get out of these wet clothes."

Andy Sidaris's third film in his epic series of Hawaiian crime capers, Savage Beach is sort of a Gilligan's Island with silicone-enhanced nudity and bloody gun play. At the film's beginning, the dynamic duo of Donna and Taryn (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton) are busting up a ring of drug dealers who have been cleverly smuggling cocaine in pineapples. They barely have time to catch their breath and cinch up their micro-shorts before they have jump into their cargo plane and fly to a remote island to deliver vaccines for a group of orphans (!) before they all die from some mysterious tropical paradise-related disease. On the way back, they fly right into a dangerous storm, and are forced to land on an uncharted, mostly deserted island. I say 'mostly' because there's a Japanese soldier running around with a Samurai sword who thinks that the war is still on.

Meanwhile, the CIA, the navy, a bunch of South American communists, a few mercenaries, and the Filipino government are all headed to the very same island, because there's a multi-million dollar stash of gold hidden there, a left-over from the war. The very same stash that the confused Japanese soldier is still guarding there.

Eventually, everybody ends up on the tiny island armed to the teeth and determined to get the gold first. Mayhem, as you might have guessed, ensues.

Besides an odd dip into high melodrama at the film's climax, Savage Beach contains all the primary Sidaris elements, only this time they happen all at once, and in one tiny location. This makes for some fast-paced cat and mouse (or, more accurately, Tom and Jerry) chase scenes, with the stray soldier acting as a crusty-faced guardian angel for our two heroines. The film also benefits from an outrageous appearance by Penthouse Pet Teri Weigel as a determined Sandanista in Lita Ford's clothes. Her death scene is a classic, as she spouts revolution-speak while blood pours out of her belly like someone just whacked open a barrel of red wine with an axe. And in the end, tube dresses and cocktails all around. Even when the body count is racked up to the dozens, you can always count on a happy ending in an Andy Sidaris film.

- Ken McIntyre