The Pig Keeper's Daughter (1972)

Directed by Bethel Buckalew
Starring Terry Gibson, Peggy Church, Gina Paluzzi
Rated R
USA

"I kinda like rough lookin' girls."

Directed by softcore mogul Bethel Buckalew and produced by exploitation giant Harry Novak, The Pig Keeper's Daughter takes a sliver-thin premise - the salesman and the farmer's daughter joke - and stretches it out to feature length with a seemingly endless series of dusty, farm-bound sex romps. Cheap, brainless, gleefully grimy, and littered with buoyant double-D's, The Pig Keeper's Daughter was clearly influenced by Russ Meyer. In fact, if ol' Russ was a moonshine guzzling yokel with holes in his shoes and a two-dollar budget, this is exactly the movie he'd make.

Skinny, carrot-topped podunk Moonbeam (Terry Gibson) wishes her pet pig Lord Hamilton was a little taller, so he could take her to the movies. Until that fateful day, the lonely Pigfarm girl is content to let Hammy nuzzle her denim-clad crotch until local stud Jasper (John Keith, A Scream in the Streets) shows up to bone her in the hay. And that's Moonbeam's life, pretty much.

Jasper doesn't even like Moonbeam all that much. Truth be told, his heart belongs to willowy Pretty Patty (Peggy Church, A Touch of Sweden), but she won't put out. She will, however, happily masturbate on the barn roof while she watches Jasper and Moonbeam rut like...well, like pigs, pretty much.
A happy-go-lucky panty salesman zooms into this sleepy glen to peddle his wares, singing a cheerful ditty as goes. He happens upon a poor soul who's been hogtied to his own ankles by a thieving hitchhiker and forced to walk along the rode bent over in a very compromising position. The salesman pulls over to find out what happened, and the man tells him his sorry tale. "Well," says the salesman, pulling down his zipper, "I guess this is your unlucky day."

Sometime after raping the poor bastard on the side of the road, Mr. Salesman picks up a busty hitchhiker, who turns out to be a prostitute. At first he scoffs at her advances - he did just fuck a guy, after all - but then she takes off her t-shirt, letting her ample milkjugs bob in the breeze, and he cannot resist. They pull off to some nearby woods and have very awkward 70's sex in the grass. Once they're finished, the girl demands $50, twice as much as they agreed on. When the salesman balks, she says, "Hey man, I'm only fifteen. You wouldn't want anyone to know you raped a fifteen year old girl, would you?"

So he pays her. Of course, even a cursory glance would tell you she's closer to 30, but whatever. That guy sorta deserved it.

The salesman ends up at the pig farm. He tries to sell his powders and lotions to Moonbeam's top-heavy mom, Molly (Gina Palluzi), but she keeps slipping out of clothes and convincing him to just give her stuff until they're both naked and he's out of things to sell. And then they fuck, awkwardly, on the sofa. This whole movie is about awkward sex. He's pretty happy with the way things are going until he finally pops, and then he's just bummed that he gave away all his stuff. Molly, however, has a proposition for him, and if he plays his cards right, he may just get all his garbage back.
Meanwhile, Jasper goes to visit Pretty Patty. Well, first he beats up her little brother and rolls him around in the mud. Then he visits her. She tells him to wait until she changes into her new outfit, which turns out to be an eye-bleeding, midriff-baring, blue daisy-festooned monstrosity. Strangely, this works for Jasper. They decide to consummate their love on a haystack. He promises to only put it in a little. Ladies, never believe that line.

So, with Jasper and Patty rutting away, Moonbeam is free to smooch with Lord Hamilton. And that's exactly what she does, until the salesman wanders over to her and lures her into his web of lust with the promise of "store bought stockings". Before you know it, the two of 'em are splashing away together in an outdoor bath tub, and Moonbeam is happily over her porcine sex obsession. The end.

Well, not exactly. Turns out this entire film has been leading up to a gag. Long fuckin' way to go for a laugh, man.

If you are looking for anything resembling a sensible piece of filmmaking, than you should probably stay away from The Pig Keeper's Daughter. But if you really like looking at busty 70's chicks with full bush and no shame, then run-don't-walk to your nearest discount website/physical media dealer and snap this minor masterpiece of southern fried filth up. Senseless and sleazy, it strips softcore of all its erotic pretensions, and just lets it all hang out. Street-level sleaze hounds will love it.

The Pig Keepers Daughter is available from Something Weird Video.

- Ken McIntyre