Gang of Roses (2003)

Directed by Jean Claude La Marre
Starring Stacey Dash, Lil' Kim, Maria Matiko, LisaRaye, Monica Calhoun
Rated R
USA

"Don't make me split your wig."

This is the sort of movie where people blow smoke off their guns after they shoot somebody. If you have ever been to a Wild West stunt show, then you've seen this movie. Just trade the Disneyworld reject "enactors" for a bunch of hip hop divas, throw in a bunch of vague Christian platitudes, and you've got the positively inglorious Gang of Roses. Conceptually, it's a hysterical idea, and if it was written, directed, and/or acted with some modicum of tongue-in-cheek humor, it may very well have become a cult classic, ala the similarly themed Straight to Hell (1987). Alas, Joe Strummer does not show up to save the day here.

It begins in the peaceful town of Flat Ridge, a multi-racial neverland of law-abiding get along-ers. Things go sour when a crew of woman-eating outlaws - led by an eye-patched maniac named Left Eye (Bobby Brown) show up to loot, pillage, and do whatever else they want. In the melee, an innocent girl named Sally (Licea Shearer) is shot to death by evil gun-toting lesbian Little Suzie (Charity Hill). Word gets back to Sally's sister, Rachel (Monica Calhoun) that Sally's been killed. And that's when the trouble really starts.

The now peace-loving Rachel was once the leader of a bank robbing pussy posse. She had gone straight and disbanded this "Gang of Roses" long ago, but now? Now, she's got to get the fuckin' gang back together, man.

First though, we meet Chastity (Lil' Kim), the amorous one. Some guy bangs her and then tries to split with her dough, but she shoots him dead as he sneaks out the door.

And then an Asian bounty hunter named Zang Li (Maria Motiko)- wearing a leather hat and a belly shirt - shows up at bar. She takes a slug of whiskey and then shoots a bunch of wanted men dead.


And then Maria (LisaRaye, AKA Da Brat's big sister!), who dresses all in white, throws a knife at some dude. That's her thing, knives.

So, Rachel reassembles her posse, and tells them the terrible true tale of Flat Ridge, about how it was once a peaceful town of "Mostly women". Rachel lived there with her sister, until an endless wave of horny outlaws began showing up, lookin' for some of that hot Flat Ridge tail they'd been hearing so much about. Rachel vamoosed to a shack in the desert, but Sally stayed in town, and was eventually murdered by the gun-happy lesbo from the opening scene. She has asked her former posse to join her to seek vengeance.

Everybody's in, except for cranky knife-thrower Maria, who doesn't care about Sally or anybody else. But then Chastity encourages them all to "Chill out a minute" (cowboy talk!) so they can figure things out. Seems there's gold hidden in Flat Ridge somewhere, which piques Maria's interest. Plus, there's a few heads to be hunted, which ropes in Zing Li. And so, the posse rides again.

But wait, what about Kim?

That's right, there's another one. Kim (Stacey Dash) is currently getting hung in the town gallows for horse theft. So, she's pretty busy. After yelling at the judge about her vagina, they let her drop. Luckily, sharp shooter Mario Van Peebles (!) shows up at the last second to shoot the rope. Kim goes crashing to the ground just as the other girls show up to spray bullets everywhere and help her make a quick getaway.

They head to Flat Ridge to look for Left Eye. They know he's responsible for the murder and the gold, but they don't know what he looks like. They figure it'll be obvious, though. However, when they get to town and case the local tavern, there's a dozen guys wearing eyepatches. Doh!

The girls find the bad guys in the cemetery, digging up graves. They are looking for the map to the lost gold. The last guy who had it buried it somewhere. Meanwhile, Lil Kim is in a barn, boning some dude named Babyface (director La Marre) while a slow jam plays. At one point, she is hesitant to sleep with a man she just met, but then he gives her a piece of jewelry. That cements the deal. No nudity, by the way. A little side-boob, but it's covered up with the guy's face. And tongue.

Bobby Brown's gang find half the map, and then stick around town looking for the other half. The girls decide to wait them out, and once they find the other half and get the gold, they'll ambush them and kill them all and then take the loot. That's the idea. So, they have to lay low for a couple days. But then Maria beats one of the grave robbers in a game of poker, which results in a big gun battle between the girls and Left Eye's gang. At one point, a Mexican guy's hat gets shot right off his head. Hilarious!

No blood, by the way. No boobs, no blood. Wild West? More like Mild West, am I right?

After killing a couple bad guys, the girls hole up on their motel room and try to figure out what to do next. They figure out that Babyface is probably a spy for the gang, so they hide out in the desert. Kim decides to go back to town to grab a necklace (?), but gets shot by some mysterious woman-in-black who sounds suspiciously like loony R&B singer Macy Gray. Meanwhile, the girls snooze away by the campfire, and Lil' Kim dreams about when they were all bank robbers who wore purple silk scarves over their faces and said group prayers before they knocked a bank over.

And then Kim shows up on her horse, and then dies. And then everybody cries. You might too, since she's the only hot girl in the whole movie.

Just when you think this fiasco cannot get any lamer, they have an impromptu funeral for her where Rachel sings "Amazing Grace" and they flashback to an all-Kim montage, which is basically just close-ups of her face as she scowls.

So, of course, there's the big revenge finale. All the bad guys are conveniently holed up in a barn. Before the girls storm it, they have another prayer circle where they hug and stare meaningfully into each other's eyes. I never knew bank robbers were so Jesus-y.

So, will they find the gold? Will Rachel avenge her sister? Will somebody shoot off one of Lil' Kim's ridiculous boob implants? And what about the mysterious lady-in-black? Is Macy Gray going to sing a song, or what?

All these questions are answered in the underwhelming conclusion. You will not like the answers, but you will get them.

You will also get a cameo by Ted Lange, the bartender on the Love Boat. Guess what he plays? That's right, a bartender. Holy shit.

Retarded 'modern' westerns are nothing new. See Young Guns (1988), Banditas (2001), or Sukiyaki Wastern Django (2007) for three obvious examples. Still, Gang of Roses really takes the cake. The hair extensions, silicone, and urban vernacular would not even be an issue if they had played this for camp, but the actresses - a very loose term here - stubbornly refuse to accept that they're in the middle of a dumb goof. They play it all so earnestly that it sucks all the coulda-been yucks out of the proceedings. And so we are left with only the woeful set and costume design, bloodless gunplay, a witless story, numerous visible microphone battery pack shots, and Lil' Kim's space alien eyebrows to keep us from dying of boredom.

There is one bright spot: Bobby Brown is clearly blitzed on drugs the entire time, and that's always fun to watch. Otherwise, I can only recommend this to the staunchest badfilm fans, or Stacey Dash completists. Unfortunately, I fear I may be both. So I guess I deserved this.


Amazingly, Gang of Roses did not kill director LaMarre's career. He went on to develop two successful film series: Norah's Hair Salon, and Pastor Jones. They sound quite wholesome. I am not familiar with them, so I cannot say. The "Gang" are all doing fine. Stacey Dash was recently in Playboy, to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was awesome.

- Ken McIntyre

The Girl With the Hungry Eyes (1967)

Directed by William Rotsler
Starring Cathy Crowfoot, Vicky Dee, Pat Barrington, Scott Avery
Rated R
USA

"I was a little drinky-drunky."

William Rotsler (RIP) was a science-fiction super fan who supplemented his career of drawing cartoons for SF mags with the odd dip into softcore, sexploitation, and melodrama. Hot on the heels of the more well-known (although no less turgid) Agony of Love (1966), Rotsler wrote and directed this woozy, wrong-headed snoozer about an snarly butch lesbian and her tender girl-toy. It wobbles precariously between half-assed morality tale and balls-first exploitation, but never really commits to either. So what's left? Mush, pretty much.

Kitty (Vicky Dee) and Tiger Cat (Cathy Crowfoot) are a couple of lez-leaning hot tamales cruising the highway in their hot rod. They pass by clean-cut Tom (director Rotsler), who is standing on the side of the road, watching steam rise from his clunker of a car. At Kitty's behest, they stop for him and agree to give him a lift to the next town. Kitty, clearly the bi-curious one, plies him with booze. Before long, she and Tom are sucking face in the passenger seat while Tiger drives on, quietly seething.

Finally, she has enough of this hetero bullshit, and stops the car at the edge of some woods. She tells Tom to get out, but to her horror, Kitty goes with him. They tromp off into the forest, and proceed to make sweet late 60's love in the grass.

Jealous lover Tiger follows them and watches from afar, alternately fantasizing about whipping Kitty's naked back and stabbing Tom to death with a knife. Eventually, she can take no more. She grabs a large rock and smashes Tom's skull in with it.

Kitty's a little shaken up, but Tiger reminds her of all the horrible men in her past, and then assures her that everything's going to be just fine. They go home and Tiger prepares for Kitty's birthday party, while Kitty takes a long and soapy shower, and ponders about Tiger and Tom and whether she's really happy in this controlling relationship.

And then she flashes back to her time with previous boyfriend Brian (Scott Avery), a harmless bearded chubbo who she seemed to like pretty well. So what happened to Brian? Who knows? Tiger probably chopped him and fed him to some wild dogs.

And so, the birthday party. Seems nice enough. Cake, champagne, lesbians, cigarettes. Everybody seems to like the cigs better than the cake. Dunno why. Maybe lesbians really like a good smoke. Things heat up later on when a one of the girls (Pat Barrington, Orgy of the Dead) strips down to her panties and dances around. The party ends early, however, when a butch chick hits on Kitty, and Tiger decks her. Unable to cope with the sudden burst of birthday party violence, Kitty takes off, running down the street in a vain attempt to get away from her new lesbianic life.

Tiger chases after her, but Kitty appears to be long gone. The spurned lover knocks on doors all over town, asking lesbians with crazy haircuts if they've seen her girl, but no dice.

Meanwhile, Kitty goes to see her old beau Brian. Turns out he's not dead, just sort of a douchebag. Kitty bawls and spills the beans about Tiger's attack on Tom. The bearded know-it-all responds by explaining to her about how lesbianism is doomed to fail.

"That way is destructive, not constructive," he says. "It's death, not life." And then he tells her he's made of puppy tails and dreams. He's not that helpful a guy, really.

After zooming around all day, Tiger finally figures out where Kitty is. She bangs on Brian's door, and when he answers, she assaults him with a switchblade. So he punches her in the kidneys, and knocks her the fuck out. The end.

So, clearly there's a 'moral' here. And the moral is: All Lesbians are Evil. Also, All Men are Beasts, but at least they're, you know, normal beasts. Welcome to the 60's!

Although it started out strong, hinting at a no-budget, Sapphic-centered Faster Pussycat cop, Girl With the Hungry Eyes quickly devolves into a series of long and pointless flashbacks that pad the running time, but do nothing to advance the story. It's not particularly sleazy or lurid, either, especially given the era it sprang from. It does, however, prominently feature the exquisite bosoms of Vicky Dee - to say nothing of her still cutting-edge, two-toned punk-chick haircut - so that's something. It's not much, but it's something.

Girl With the Hungry Eyes is available from Something Weird Video.

- Ken McIntyre

Hardbodies 2 (1986)

Directed by Mark Griffiths
Starring Brad Zutaut, James Karen, Brenda Bakke, Fabiana Udenio
Rated R
USA

"What if they cut off his ears? How will he wear his sunglasses?"

Sadly, there is no commentary track with Anchor Bay's recent DVD release of Hardbodies 2, which leaves us to speculate about how and why it was made. Mark Girffiths scored a surprise hit with the original Hardbodies (1984), so a sequel was a no a brainer, but H2 bares no resemblance to the original and shares almost none of its cast, save for a (very) incidental appearance from Roberta Collins (RIP) as Lana and Sorrells Pickard as some sort of Bizarro world version of the original film's creaky cowboy Ashby. Since Griffiths also wrote the film, it would appear that the whole affair may have been a handy excuse to party in Greece for a few weeks. Certainly, the seemingly endless (and admittedly gorgeous) opening shots of sparkling Greek beaches look as much like a vacation video as they do a movie intro. On the other hand, Griffiths takes every opportunity to make Greece look like a third-world county full of crooked, villainous cops and shithole hotels. So who knows what he was up to. All I know for sure is that Teal Roberts and Courtney Gains are nowhere to be found, and the milksop actors-playing-actors he's replaced them with are nowhere near as engaging.

But what the hell, we bought a ticket. Might as well ride the ride.

James Karen (Return of the Living Dead) is Logan, a softcore porn director shooting a fil, called Foreign Affairs in Greece. He's got a Greek crew and American actors, and nothing seems to be going right. There are scenes within scenes involving mile high club hijinks and chainsawed surfboards, but it's never clear which parts are actually happening, and which parts are just scenes in the film.

Muddying the waters further, the lead actor is "Scotty Palmer" - the scheming surfer from the original - although he is played here by a completely different actor (Brad Zutaut, Pretty Smart), and he doesn't seem to bear any relation to the original guy. So why the same name? Likewise, his best friend here is his co-star named, as in the original, Rags. Instead of Courtney Gains, here we get hipster goofball Sam Temeles. As far as Scotty's love interest goes, instead of Teal Robert's stick-in-the-mud Kristi, we get another stick-in-the-mud entirely - a money hungry fiancé Morgan ( breathless blonde beauty Brenda Bakke).

So that's what's happening in the real world. In the movie, Scotty and Rags mix up their suitcase with the son of billionaire. They end up with wads of cash and a free "Semester at Sea" cruise on ship where clothes are both optional and discouraged.

As if it explains everything, Griffiths shoehorns Ashby in as the captain of the ship, and real estate mogul Lana as his girlfriend/investment partner. Ashby greets his ol' pal Scotty, and they reminisce about old times for 30 seconds. See? Is that 'sequel' enough for you, man?

Back in the real world, the Logan and the crew audition a motley crew of dog-faced non-actors for the role of the "Princess" in whatever godawful film it is they're making. They come up empty, but later on, as they eat lunch at an outdoor café, Scotty is struck numb by the simple beauty of their waitress, Cleopatra (Argentinean actress Fabiana Udenio). She has no interest in acting, but Logan offers her a wad of cash and she takes the role.

So then there's more bullshit on the cruise ship.

Back in reality, things aren't going so well with Morgan and Scotty. She denies him sex, preferring soapy soaks in the tub. Frustrated, Scotty starts to develop an interest in his exotic new costar.

Various non-events occur, including a good ten-minute build-up to Roberta Collins falling into a pit of mud. I'm not sure it was worth all the effort.

Movies and reality get all mixed up in the screwball finale when Logan hires a local to play Princess's kidnapper, and he takes the role a bit too seriously.

Will Cleo and Scotty escape and make it back to the set to shoot their love scene? And will their filmic romance bloom into real-life romance?

Yeah, sure. But you probably won't care.

Hardbodies 2, unlike its spunky predecessor, is a long and thankless slog. Unfocused and often confusing, it sometimes seems like they're making it up as they go along, ala Joe Dante's anarchic film-set spoof Hollywood Boulevard (1976), only without the punk rock energy or improv comic timing. Every joke falls flat and there are long stretches of not-much to wade through, but there is a few bright spots. For one, Griffiths does deliver, as he did in the first Hardbodies, in a copious amount of naked boobage. You got to give it to the man, he does not skimp on the mams. The film is also graced with two very fetching leading ladies in Bakke and Udenio. Both are striking beauties, and they almost make this worth the effort. Almost.

But hey, the good news it, Anchor Bay bundled it with the original Hardbodies, so it's not like you've got to shell out extra dough for it. What do you want for free?

Bakke and Udenio, by the way, are both still quite active. Both actresses have had successful careers as TV characters actors. Bakke was most recently on Joss Whedon's sci-fi series Dollhouse, and Udenio is a semi-regular on the revamped 90210. And they are both as lovely as ever.

Here's Fabiana taking a hot tub with Austin Powers.

- Ken McIntyre

Actress Apocalypse (2005)

Directed by Richard Anasky
Starring Lily Walker, Greg Freeman, Jay Ingle
Unrated
USA

"It's gonna be the shit movie of the year."

Although it's been marketed as a slasher flick, the crazed Actress Apocalypse is actually an over-the-top 'mockumentary' about two demented brothers and their flailing attempts at making a micro-budgeted flick about a big gay Indian. It opens with the two Lincoln brothers - the uptight David (Garo Nigoghossian) and loony, long-haired, sex-obsessed Vance (Greg Freeman) - as they wait in their shed for their actress on the first day of filming a micro-budget epic called Clearwater Canyon. And wait. And wait. The brothers start turning on one another almost immediately, and once the actress does, finally, show up, she's treated more like a hostage victim than a cast member. Things go from bad to worse, and the unhinged Vance decides to take over production. He changes the storyline into some shit about zombies and spends the rest of the movie 'auditioning' actresses. And when I say 'audition', I mean...well, you'll have to see it to know what I mean, but I will say that there's tons of nudity, and it's not called "Actress Apocalypse" for nothin'.

The most remarkable thing about this film is it's lightning-fast editing and it's use of trippy, psychedelic color schemes, both of which do wonders for covering up it's obvious budgetary limits. The soundtrack, by super-stoner band Space Probe Taurus, provides a sleazy, sweaty atmosphere as well, the perfect complement to all the gyrating flesh on display. The script is mostly improvised, and while it's never really funny, it's relentlessly obnoxious, mean-spirited, and evil, which is almost as good as funny.

Clip: Actress Apocalypse deleted scene

Actress Apocalypse Deleted Scene/Blooper Layla Black Audition scene - watch more funny videos

- Ken McIntyre

Hardbodies (1984)

Directed by Mark Griffiths
Starring Teal Roberts, Grant Cramer, Courtney Gains
Rated R
USA

"He's got a case of the blue balls. You know, love nuts."

One of the all-time classic 80's T&A comedies, Hardbodies is a breezy, beach-bound romp that makes up for it's wafer-thin plot with enough bared boobs to keep a 14 year old boy busy for a week. The story, such as it is, revolves around several groups of sex-mad individuals in the heady summer of '83. Front and center is blonde surfer-dude Scotty Palmer (Grant Cramer), a fast-talking charmer currently facing eviction from his slovenly surfside hovel. He's got a gorgeous but stiff girlfriend named Kristi (Teal Roberts), and a best pal named Rag (Courtney Gains), a flame-haired doofus who suffers from low self-esteem. There's also a Von Zipper-esque gang of creeps and slobs who drive a van with a "Dirtbag" vanity plate and who own a dog who is trained to snatch girls' bikini tops, and a trio of middle-aged hornballs - clueless cad Hunter (Gary Wood), aging cowboy Ashby (Sorrell Pickard), and chubby funster Rounder (Michael Rapport) - who rent a luxurious beach-side condo in a vain effort to score some hot teenage tail.

Said hornballs soon realize their plans are not rock-solid when they repeatedly strike out with the local beach bunnies. Scotty, on the other hand, is finding his new neighbors to be a delight. He asks if they'd like their cars detailed, assuring the naïve old bastards that chicks love it. They have no idea what 'detailing' even means, which allows Scotty to cruise around in their convertible, pretending to be the orphan son of two wealthy-but-sadly-cannibalized anthropologists. This proves quite effective with the local bikini girls.

When he arrives back at gramps' fuck-palace to collect his 'detailing' dough, the fellas ask him what his secret is. He tells them about how he 'dialogues' the babes, feeding them enough bullshit to keep them interested. Naturally, the old creeps want a dose of Scotty's mojo, so they offer to let him stay at the house and earn a stipend if he trains them in the art of scoring chicks. Since he's about to get evicted anyway, he takes them up on the deal. And so, the beaver hunt is afoot.

The first day of training involves Rag dressed in drag - a stupendously disturbing image - so that the guys can test out their lines. When this proves to be a futile effort, Scotty takes them down to the beach to try it with real live girls. It works fine for Scotty, but the guys get kicked and scoffed at, so he takes them to the mall to buy ridiculous clothes and then makes them stalk women all day, foisting flyers for their upcoming house party into their hands and hoping some of them show up.

Amazingly, they do end up with a houseful of 'hardbodies', but there's a problem - the band Rag hired for the night had an emergency Bar Mitzvah gig in Encino. He delivers this news in an alarming sleeveless fake tux tee/bathing trunks combo, which does nothing to lessen the blow. The always-thinking Scotty saves the night by hitting up the wretched all-girl garage band (erm...future arena-fillers Vixen) from down the way. The night rolls and the trio of trolls get to work. Hunter spills his drink on one girl, and then ambushes her in the bathroom when she tries to clean it. Ashby plies a ditzy blonde aerobics instructor with drugs. Rounder convinces a girl that he's friends with talent scouts at several modeling agencies, and invites her upstairs for an impromptu photo shoot. Things quickly get out of hand, and before he knows it, there's half a dozen half naked girls piled into the room.

Of course, this is exactly when Kristi shows up to rain on Scotty's fleshy parade. The next morning, Scotty wakes up alone and the men all wake up with middle-aged concerns and complaints. They are clearly outclassed by their young fillies - Ash almost dies trying to jog on the beach with the aerobics queen - but as in all sex comedies, the idiots have yet to learn their lessons in life and love, and are therefore subject to more humiliation.

Scotty goes to visit Rocco (Antony Ponzini, RIP), the gangster-y owner of a local gym where all the beach bunnies work out. He was interested in the party band, and invited Scotty over to discuss them. They come up with some cockamamie plan to have the band play while chicks work out. For whatever reason, Rocco thinks this will make them both rich. Scotty's taken over as the band's new manager, and changed their name from Diaper Rash to...that's right, Hardbodies.

So, that is the dubious next move. Scotty asks Kristi and her galpal Kimberly (Cindy Silver, Gimme an F) to come. Before they get ready to go, they spend some time topless in front of a full-length mirror pondering why guys like boobs. And then they imagine what Rag would look like with double D breasts. Apparently Rag is the go-to whipping boy in this fractured fairy tale.

Everybody gets dressed up and heads over to some jivey nightclub where bands play behind flexing muscle-heads and bouncing aerobics enthusiasts. Afterwards, the gang piles into a limo and everybody spends the night on the beach. And everybody gets laid. Everybody. It's like Caligula with bikinis.

So, where's the conflict? Well, one dude didn't get laid. Hunter spent the night trying to talk perpetual cocktease Candy (Crystal Shaw) out of her panties. When he gets too grabby, Scotty rushes in to save her, so a pissed-off Hunter tells him their deal is off. And then he storms off to tell Kristi her boyfriend is snoodling with the tease-queen. When she stomps over to investigate, he's mid-consolation hug, so he does look sorta guilty.

While Scotty tries to woo Kristi back, the Hardbodies play a gig on the beach, but the slobs from the dirtbag van show up blasting 45 Grave on their boombox and do their best to disrupt the proceedings. Scotty tries to chase them off but ends up hopping on a motorized surfboard (!) and hiding on a buoy with a bunch of seals for the night. Meanwhile, Kristi's getting wooed by Hunter. Everything's gone bananas. Can Scotty win back his true love and show these crusty old fuckers the error of their womanizing ways?

Hey man, it was the high 80's. And if the 80's were about anything, they were about the power of love, heavy metal, and hare-brained schemes.

Ok, so clearly, the story is slight. Still, Hardbodies is one the best examples of the 80's teen sex com, a wall-to-wall jiggle fest with cheap gags and more nudity than any adolescent boy could ever ask for. Pretty boy Cramer was born for this role, and it's no surprise that he spent the next ten years on a soap opera. You've got to give it to him, the fucker oozes charm. Teal Roberts was one of the 80's great beauties, and it's a tragedy that she made so few films. Her last role was as an extra in a '94 episode of sexy cop show Silk Stalkings.

The real hero of this cast, however, is Courtney Gains. Immediately recognizable for his role as the murderous Malachi in Children of the Corn (also 1984), Gains is as goofy here as he was terrifying in Corn. He's completely shameless in Hardbodies, dressing in outfits so bad they actually hurt your eyes and belly-flopping for yucks at every turn. There's something to be learned here about his fearless performance. I don't know what that is, but there's clearly some truth in it. The king of the screwballs is still royalty, right?

Although the jokes are lame and the old fools often drag down the simple beach party kicks, Hardbodies symbolizes a long-gone era of neon-colored hedonism and reckless optimism. Sure, the 80s were loud, dumb, and ugly, but they were also pretty awesome. Hardbodies is irrevocable proof of that.

Mark Griffiths followed this up with the inevitable sequel in 1986, before settling into a still-going career alternately shooting softcore and kidfilm. It's a living, man.

Hardbodies was recently released on DVD by Anchor Bay.

Clip: Hardbodies trailer

PS: I had the same dumb lightning bolt t-shirt this chick's wearing.

PPS: Elusive 80's B-goddess Emily Longstreth (Gimme an F, American Drive-In) can be glimpsed during the credits sequence skating the boulevard. Alas, she does not make another appearance.

- Ken McIntyre