Cherry Hill High (1977)

Directed by Alex E. Goitein
Starring Nina Carson, Lynn Hastings, Gloria Upson, Stephanie Lawlor, Linda McInerney
Rated R
USA
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Cherry Hill High is the directorial debut from the visionary genius behind Cheerleaders Beach Party (1978). It's a simple story about five recent high school gradates out on a two-week bicycle tour with one of their former teachers, Miss Woodruff (Linda McInerney). On their first night on the road, the girls discuss sex around a crackling campfire and discover that they have something in common: they're all virgins. The seemingly repressed Miss Woodruff shocks her young charges when she suggests they have a contest - whoever gets deflowered in the most novel manner before the trip is over wins. And so, the formerly tame bicycle tour turns into a lascivious romp into the dark, lusty heart of teen sexuality, circa 1977. Well, that's the plan, anyway. It's still a pretty tame tour, but at least now there's the promise of booby-flash.

Refreshingly free of unnecessary subplot, Cherry Hill High goes about its horny work with great economy. Every scene following the set-up is dedicated specifically to getting its protagonists laid. First one to go is Kippy (Carrie Olsen), who runs into a loudmouth shark wrangler named Abalone. Abalone, it seems, has trained a shark named Hustler to wrestle him nightly at a local...well, it looks like a local swimming pool. It's a very lucrative scam, apparently.
"I raised him in the pool meself," Abalone brags. "He's a pool shark."
Kippy and her mustached lover have sex in the pool. In the shark cage, no less, with Hustler swimming hungrily around them. Kippy, being a virgin, bleeds. Blood is not in Hustler's contract. Abolone is forced to stab his pet shark to death before he eats them both.

So, Kippy scores pretty high on that one.

Next to spread 'em is Peaches (Gloria Upson), who attracts the leader of a biker gang as she's bent over on the side of the road, attempting to fix her bicycle. The two take off together and end up stripping down in a breezy meadow.


When the biker pops off his helmet, it turns out he's actually a woman. This offers no initial problems for Peaches - it is 1977, after all - but the rest of the girls are concerned about the lack of penis involved. So, two scenes later, Peaches bangs some dude in his car during a demolition derby. That one, they give a thumbs-up to.

The girls stop off in a small town and Michelle, the 'French' one (the decidedly non-French sounding Lynn Hastings), meets a dude with sharp fingernails and a Bela Lugosi accent. He, of course, knows where they can all stay tonight. Nice place, a mansion, in fact, but...it may be haunted!

After an interminable scene where teach and Frenchy Scooby Doo around the mansion, Michelle finally meets up with Dracula Jr. and they fuck in a coffin.

Later still, they stop at a winery and the girls soak each other with the red stuff while their teacher wanders off with the suave wine guy. She has sex with him while a flamenco guitar plays. In a pile of grapes, no less. Who could resist?


Meanwhile, the girls strip down to their underwear and continue to pour wine on each other. And then they wash their wine-soaked clothes in the river. Finally, boner time!
Ah, but the multi-topless frolic scene is short-lived, as we must return to this stupid fucking contest.

Sarah (Nina Carson) runs into a guy in a Big Bird outfit. No reason, he's just there.
He's an extra on a game show called It's a Big Deal, an obvious rip-off of the legendary Monty Hall-hosted Let's Make a Deal.
"Are you the booby prize?" She asks Big Bird.
"Sometimes a booby. Always a prize!" He says. "Cluck cluck!" He clucks a lot, this guy.
He gives her a backstage tour of the show, ending, as you would, with his nest. Nature takes its inexorable course. A few minutes later, the curtain goes up and naturally, the crowd sees them having sex.
"Oh, that fucking chicken!" Says the host.


Allison (Stephanie Lawlor) is the last virgin left, but she's in love with Larry, a lowly telephone installer from back home, so who knows if she'll do anything. But then, very suddenly, a UFO drops down, and a bug-eyed alien comes out and fetches her. He brings her back onto his spaceship and starts rubbing her arm.
Outside the spaceship, the girls applaud.
"Now that's sexy!" Says Peaches. "Far out!"
Inside, Sarah rebuffs the spaceman.
"Is it because I'm blue?" He asks.
"No, it's because I'm in love."
This cracks the spaceman up. And then he pulls off his head. It's a mask. Holy smokes, it's that fuckin' dimwit Larry.
"It can't get anymore original than this," Larry says. He's got a point there. "You're sure to win the contest now."
"I don't want it to be like this," she tells him, "all gimmicky and weird."
Good lord, what's a guy gotta do to bang this chick?


Increasingly long story short, Larry, it turns out, doesn't really work for the phone company. He's really some rich asshole with a castle. He was just pretending to be an aw-shucks guy to find a 'real' girl. They split. The film ends with a reunion of the whole gang on a yacht, where Miss Woodruff decides who won the contest. Turns out that true love always wins out over lust. Really? Even in 1977?


The premise of Cherry Hill High was rife with possibility. It is, after all, the exact same plot as a thousand late 70's porn flicks. But the film suffers from a gauzy, Euro-porn shooting style - there are too many establishing shots of the girls gliding their 10-speeds down dirt paths, too many close-ups of indeterminate body parts during the sex scenes, and too few money shots to satisfy fans of teen-skin or 70's sleaze. On the positive side, the girls are all attractive, if a tad underfed (Stephanie Lawlor, in particular, is an absolute knockout), there are numerous 70's-intensive pop culture references (Peaches has a CB radio attached to the handlebars of her bicycle!), and the soundtrack has some satisfyingly raucous tracks from obscure mid-70's hard rock band Sweet Freedom.

Cherry Hill High had a decent run in drive-ins during the summer of '77, and did well enough for Goitein to make Cheerleaders Beach Party a year later, utilizing much of the same cast and crew. Greg Michaels, the actor who played Pile Driver, the demolition derby dude, went on to a short-lived career in porn (he appears in 1980's Sex Boat!), but neither director Goitein nor any of the girls in the cast continued making films after 1978. Both films received spotty VHS releases in the 80's, but have slipped into obscurity in the past 20 years. A pity, because they represent the lighter side of 70's skinema; in a genre that often went for full-bore, tits-out gonzo, Goitein's flirty little films were positively gentle. One parting criticism, though: in a film lousy with shots of girls-on-bicycles, there isn't one shot from the rear-view. Not one. As anyone who ever bought Queen's 1978 epic Jazz - the vinyl version, with the pull-out poster off the all-nude bicycle race - will tell you, there is no image quite as glorious as a fat-bottomed girl on a ten-speed. Shame on you, Mr. Goitein.


Availability: Cherry Hill High is available on VHS.
Buy Cherry Hill High at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Teen Lust (1979)

AKA The Girls Next Door
Directed by James Hong
Starring Kristin Baker, Leslie Cederquist, Robert Gribbin, Michael Heit
Rated R
USA
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"Is this your cesspool superstar?"

I should mention at the top here that yes, that's the same James Hong as the one you're thinking of - the beloved character actor with over 300 acting credits to his name, from the maitre d' on the legendary Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld, to the Japanese general in Airplane! (1980). He's been the go-to Asian character actor in films and television for over fifty years now. And, very occasionally, he directs. Besides this one, he's only taken the directorial reins on two other films: 1989's comic-horror romp The Vineyard, and Singapore Sling (2000), a low-budget thriller starring Shannon Tweed. Both have their own merits and flaws, but neither hold a candle to this, his incredible, frequently jaw-dropping directorial debut.

Teen Lust begins like all good teen sex comedies do: with a shot of a girl's ass. In this case, it belongs to the fetching Lee Ann Barnes, and it's being hugged ever so tightly by a heart-breaking pair of white hot pants. This is the film's money shot, and if it had ended there, we could all go home happy. But it is not the end, it is the beginning of one of the strangest cinematic rides you'll ever take.


Lee Ann plays DeDe, a thrill-seeking bimbo with feathered hair and a raging libido. At the film's opening, she's on the make, doing her damnedest to seduce Terry (Perry Lang), a generic nice guy and best friend to musclecar-driving superjerk Hotrod (Richard Singer). DeDe takes off her shirt to impress the boys. It is, in fact, a magnificently impressive sight. But when Terry and Hotrod's girlfriends show up, Terry shoves DeDe into the trunk of Hotrod's car. And leaves her there as the four go joyriding.

This is the first sign that all is not well with this group.


Kristen Baker - best known as the first kill in Friday the 13th, Part 2 - is Carol, the film's protagonist, and Terry's sometimes-girlfriend. She and her best friend Neeley (platinum-haired Leslie Cederquist), have just joined the volunteer police force. That is why this film is also known as Police Academy Girls, or, alternately, Girls Police Academy, although the film actually has very little to do with the police academy. It has very little to do with anything, really, except the near-constant humiliation of it's lead actress.

After their ride with a kidnapped DeDe, we are introduced to Carol's demented family. There's Dustin (Robert Sloane) her airplane-obsessed, mentally handicapped brother, who she promises to marry someday. I know how that sounds, and yes, it is extremely creepy, although not quite as creepy as the scenes with her father (Stan Kamber), a greasy bruiser who attempts to tongue-kiss her whenever she comes home. Mom (Dolly Carolla, a mousy blonde who cannot be more than three or four years older than Baker) is an unrepentant lush, who spends all of her time in the kitchen, slugging hard from the endless bottles of hooch she has hidden in every cupboard. It's no wonder that Carol is so interested in a job that involves a gun.

There are a few scenes where Carol receives police training, but it's obvious that the cops she travels with are only interested in sleeping with her. And on her second day of training, they put her on the vice squad, dressing her up like a street hooker and getting her to bait johns. Not surprisingly, she almost gets raped on the job. It will not be the last time that Hong uses rape as a gag. The whole fuckin' movie is a rape gag, really.


A little further on, there's a bit where she tries to get her mother to quit drinking by emptying her bottles in the sink while her mother screams and thrashes around. There's a punchline - mom glugs down yet another bottle while hugging her daughter - but it's still more disturbing than funny. And that's the main problem with this film: cruelty is often confused with humor. For example, there's a recurring gag with a heavy girl named Bambi (Liza Stanley) - every time she eats something, her mother slaps her face. It's admittedly funny the first time, but after the third or fourth time, it's just vindictive.

The second half of the film is just a blur of outrage. There's an exceedingly bizarre scene where Carol is making out with her goony boyfriend in his car. Suddenly the car starts rocking violently. It's being shaken by a group of 10-12 year old kids who proceed to punch him and hit him in the face with clumps of dirt. Then they drag Carol out of the car. She manages to wriggle free and takes off running, but they catch her and start tearing off her clothes. It's not until the cop shows up and threatens to shoot them that they leave, and even then, it's with shouts of "Oink Oink!"


Just who the fuck are these little savages?

Incidentally, while this scene is playing, you hear the future theme from The People's Court!

Carol comes home from her near-gang-rape to find her mother bent over the sink, getting banged by the crusty, bearded plumber ( an uncredited Buck Flower, naturally).


"How could you do this to daddy?" She cries.
"Oh, it's ok," her mom says. "Your daddy isn't really your father. Your father is impotent."
Carol is, understandably, incredulous. "What?" She asks. "Mom!"
"Oh, I'm not your mother, dear. You're adopted."

Next scene: Carol visits a priest, who has a slimy gas station mustache.
"I keep having dreams that I'm being raped, every night," she tells him.
"And by all different people. Not just men, women too. Maybe I'm queer!"
"I'm glad you came to me with this problem," says the priest. "You've helped me with my decision. This Sunday at church, I'm coming out of the closet."
"But, there's no closet in church." Can we get a cymbal crash, please?
"No, Carol. What I'm saying is...I'm sweet."
"Oh, you are sweet for listening to my problems."
"Carol, all I'm saying is to show your love. You know, all Hitler needed was a hug. Not that he was my type."

Back on vice duty, Carol finds out that her partner, Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin), is hopelessly in love with her. She finds this out because he rapes her in the front seat of her car. Some other cops show up to make sure everything's ok. They assume she's enjoying it, and take off.

Yes, this is still supposed to be a comedy.

Carol comes home dressed like a hooker, which excites dad. He lunges for her and topples down the stairs, hurting his back. He tells his wife to "Get Lena, she's the only one that can fix my back!"
Lena (Ernee Simpson) shows up soon after. She is a large black woman with a platinum white wig. She starts karate chopping his back while his wife points at him and yells, "Impotent! Impotent!"
"Carol honey, I want you to meet your real mother," Dad says, pointing to Lena.


Suddenly, a banana cream pie fight breaks out.

"Honey, I'm sorry I left you here with these honkies," Lena says. And then she splits.
Dustin, the handicapped son, starts playing the piano. You really can play!" says Carol.
"Sure I can," he says, in perfect English.
"And you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk, Carol."
Prior to this moment, he talked with a strange accent that was supposed to denote retardation, but actually made him sound deaf. Whatever.
"My mother won't let me marry a nigger," he says, out of fucking nowhere. And then he tries to molest Carol.
Carol runs out into the street just as Hotrod shows up to run over Dustin. And then he splits. Officer Drury shows up as Carol checks to see if Dustin's alive.
"I want to see you again tonight," he says, with complete disregard for what's happening.
"Why, so you can rape me again?" Carol asks.
"Who's this guy?" The cop says, finally realizing there's a body on the street.
"It's Dustin. We were going to get married."
"Well in that case, I hope he's dead," says the cop. And then he drives away.

It all ends in a chaotic wedding scene. Will Carol really marry her retarded brother? Or will she run away with the cop who raped her? And are those really her only choices?


Teen Lust is one of the weirdest and creepiest films you're likely to find in the teen sex comedy genre. All the humor is based on cruelty, and were it not for Kristin Baker's feather-light performance, this could easily devolve into grueling exploitation. I mean, this fucker is just plain mean. I cannot claim to know what James Hong's intentions were, but the end product feels like John Waters with a grudge. Interesting, there is no writing credit listed anywhere for this film. I'm guessing Charlie Manson.

Obviously, Teen Lust is mandatory viewing. You'll hate it so much that you'll love it. Just be sure not to watch it with your wife, sister, girlfriend, or mom, unless you want to spend the rest of the evening trying to explain just what your fuckin' problem is.

Kristin Baker, by the way, quit acting in 1987. Can you blame her?

Availability: Teen Lust is available on VHS.
Buy Teen Lust on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre