Hollywood Zap (1986)

Directed by David Cohen
Starring Ivan Roth, Ben Frank, De Waldron
Rated R
USA

"Your sweet taters are of no interest to this firm."

I had high hopes for Hollywood Zap, because it had "Hollywood" in the title, which usually means that raunchy fun is on the menu: see Hollywood Hot Tubs or the Hollywood Squares for two prime examples of that theory. "Zap" is another code word for teenage kicks, as in the sound laser guns make, or an underground comic book by R Crumb, or even Zapped!, starring Scott Baio and Willie Ames. So you can see my excitement.

Alas, as with many things in the 80's, the flashy exterior revealed a loathsome emptiness inside. There are two quotes on the VHS cover, and neither of them are attributed to any actual writers. On the top, it says: "Absolutely, Unbelievable..."
The comma in between is disturbing to me. Try saying it out loud. It makes no sense. Only a maniac would write that. On the bottom of the box, under the credits ("co-starring Chuck "Porky" Mitchell!), it says "Not since Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, or Martin and Lewis has any comedy team been so hilarious!!" That's how it's written, with the underline and the two exclamation points. The quote is right next to the Troma logo, so maybe they mean Herz and Kaufman, because they certainly can't be talking about our cringe-worthy leads, can they?

The cover art features a pigtailed blonde in a bikini, a punk-rocker shooting a hand-gun, a car busting through some barricades, and a fat man eating chicken. Only the fat man makes an appearance in the actual film. The back cover blurb promises a "riotous, action-packed comedy" about "the misadventures of a mismatched pair of buddies" and "an incredibly sexy punk rocker", but it is actually a lame, gag-heavy family drama with bizarre homoerotic overtones and moments of confusing absurdity. And the "incredibly sexy punk rocker" is actually sorta stubby and moon-faced.

As the movie opens, we are introduced to "Downer" (Ivan Roth), a gangly kid with thick glasses who works at some horrible lingerie store for plus size women. Even if Roth is southern, his hick accent sounds atrociously phony, and he is immediately annoying. He seems to have been patterned after Kevin, the "7 Up" kid from Repo Man. In fact, the whole movie seems to be ripping off Repo Man, only without an ounce of wit, or talent, or sense. Downer's father ran out on his family when he was a baby, and his one desire since then was to find him. He's finally made enough scratch selling bloomers to drive to LA - his father's last known address - to find the old man. And off he goes. Along the way, he picks up an obnoxious middle-aged hitchhiker named Nash (Ben Frank) who immediately shits in his front seat. This becomes a bonding moment for the two men.

Nash explains that he's a former stock broker who cracked under the pressure of his go-go-go existence and ended up in an asylum, where they just happened to have video games as therapy. He got extraordinarily good at Zaxxon (a game that sucks, by the way), and once he was released, he became a video arcade hustler. So that's why he's hitching to Hollywood, to meet Kong, the ultimate Zaxxon champ of all, and resoundingly defeat him. The two part ways once they get into the city. Downer attempts to hire a chicken-eating private detective to help him find his father, but can only pay him in "Sweet taters". The detective declines. He also visits his weird uncle Lucas (Claude Earl Jones), who owns a motel and offers him a place to stay, but then starts slobbering on Downer's ear. Ick!



Meanwhile, Nash and his new girl, the mute, half-pint punker Tee-Tee (De Waldron) are doing the Zaxxon hustle. When threatened, Nash goes after his aggressor with this absurd modified stapler, and they run in fear. And life goes on.

Ultimately, Downer and Nash meet up again. Nash helps his nerdy buddy break into the detective's office to find the info on his dad. He finds his father's new address, but when he gets there, he is understandably shocked to find out that his long-lost pa has become a transsexual nun! He responds to this information with uncharacteristic aggression: he beats the screaming, crying man into submission and storms away in a huff. Seems sorta hate crime-y to me.


Nash meets his elusive prey as well, but Kong turns out to be a panicky dwarf (Bad Santa's Tony Cox) who runs in fear as soon as Nash shows up. So, nobody's satisfied. Downer decides to go back home, and in a surprising move, Tee Tee jumps into the car with him and they zoom off. Nash doesn't seem to disappointed. She was sorta pudgy anyway.

For a supposed teen sex comedy, there is zero sex in Hollywood Zap and only one flash of nudity, care of "sex staved California beach bunny" Debbie (Annie Gaybis, who later went on to marry TV comedian John Byner).


The only teen-com tradition that Hollywood Zap adheres to is the inclusion of a really awful synth-driven dance song ("Video Queen" by Shawn O'Brien- listen to it HERE). Ben Frank (who also served as producer of this mess) went on to a few bit parts in sitcoms like Head of the Class and Who's the Boss before dropping dead of a heart attack in 1990. Ivan Roth was a zombie in Night of the Creeps, a mummy in an episode of Tales from the Crypt, and the creature in the loony Blue Monkey, but hasn't acted since 1994. De Waldron also worked that Mohawk in Suburbia, and then disappeared. Director David Cohen also wrote the screenplay for Friday the 13th part 5 and then split Hollywood to find gainful employment elsewhere.

Honestly, you have better things to do than watch this foolishness. Even a game of fuckin' Zaxxon would be more entertaining.

Availability: Hollywood Zap is available on VHS.
Buy Hollywood Zap at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Hot Times (1974)

Directed by Jim McBride
Starring Henry Cory, Gail Lorber, Amy Farber, Steve Curry
Rated R
USA
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"Hey Ma, he's making a milkshake all over the sheets."

There is no plot to this film, only a simple premise: Archie needs to get laid for the first time. Archie, you say? Yes, this is yet another raunchy sex comedy that borrows heavily from the world of Archie Andrews. That is, in fact, our protagonist's name, and he even wears a bowtie. He's much shabbier than the comic book version, though - picture Ben Stiller on a Thunderbird and cigarettes diet - and his version of Riverdale looks suspiciously like the Bronx. But he does have a gal-pal named Betty, and another one named Ronnie, as well as frien-emy called Reggie and a BFF named...well, Mughead, but close enough.

And that's really as clever as it gets. The entire script plays like a Borscsht Belt stand-up comedy routine from 1952, and rarely, if ever, lets up with the onslaught of tired gags. Stuff like this:

"Hey Arch, I got a new Polack joke for ya."
"Sure, Reg, but remember, Mughead is Polish."
"Ok, I'll say it slowly, then."

The production values are sub-porn; the whole film appears to have been shot with natural light and the boom mike is visible in half of the scenes. The girls are constantly peeling their clothes off, though, and every skin-on-skin scene looks like it could easily devolve into hardcore porn at any moment. So, even through the murk and sloppy editing, Hot Times keeps you on your toes. You'll have to squint, but there's a boner around every corner.


As stated, there's no story, just a loosely connected series of events. After yet another strike-out evening on the phone with Betty (Amy Farber), pleading with her for sex, good ol' Arch sets his sights on the much looser Ronnie (hot, bosomy, all-natural, gum-snapper Gail Lorber), a dismissive cheerleader who thinks he's a nerd. But who knows what she'll do if she's bored enough?



During a high school basketball game, Archie sees one of the cheerleaders pulling out a wedgie, and gets a boner. The coach, of course, wants to put him in the game at exactly that moment. He feigns a sore ankle to avoid embarrassment ("I had a case of Petrus Erectus", he tells Mughead) and limps off the court.


Somehow or another, he and Mughead end up in the girl's locker room.
Suddenly, the cheerleaders come bounding in, so the fellas jump into garbage cans. Through the slit in the can, the boys watch as the girls spray their vaginas with feminine deodorant spray. Archie gets caught and the girls drag him into the grubbiest shower this side of a Saw movie. And that's it. Fade out.


There's a weird scene under a bridge where Archie and Reggie run into a dude named Jesus who offers them a look at his sister's naked body. They pay him a dollar and she flashes for them. Reggie needs more interaction, so he pays an extra buck to feel her up, and she says, "You can touch, but you can't have my cherry, meester. I'm saving that until I'm sixteen."
Archie is understandably creeped out by the whole set-up, so he splits. As he's leaving, Reggie says, "Hey Arch, you know the cure for blue balls? Scratch 'em until they turn red."


Later on Archie runs into Ronnie, who is in a phone-booth, making a call. He jumps in with her and tries to molest her.
"Get offa me, Archie," Ronnie says. "You are so uncool."
They take a cab ride and Archie spends the whole time trying to jam his head between Ronnie's legs. Eventually, they end up in a motel room. Turns out Ronnie's been doing porn on the side, and she shoots a scene with a dude wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. But the guy starts crying halfway through. Apparently, he's just discovered he's gay.


Naturally, Archie is recruited to bang Ronnie, but before he can slip it in, the hotel manager starts banging on the door and they have to make a quick escape.
Out on the balcony, rock-hard erection in hand, Archie begs Ronnie for relief.
"Oh Archie," she laughs. "You are such a nerd."


It should be noted that, although Hot Times is lousy with boobs and bush, all the curse words are bleeped out. Apparently, this is for comic effect, ala South Park, but it's utilized so often it becomes positively grating. Almost as grating as the cartoon "Boing!" that's played every time one of the characters gets an erection.

For whatever reason, Archie decides to spy on his sister as she takes a shower and shaves her armpits. She catches him and screams for her parents, and when his dad barges into the bathroom, he is momentarily struck numb by the sight of his daughter's tits. It is unclear whether it is the actor or the character that is enamored with her admittedly well-ripened melons, but it's a very odd moment nonetheless. Is incest a big part of the Andrews tradition? Anyway, dad chases him around the yard as music lifted from a Looney Tunes cartoon is played on the soundtrack.

And so on. Eventually, Archie wanders into Times Square on New Year's Eve where he meets "The Protein Queen." She finally straightens him out.


Listen, if you'd like to go blind trying to see mid 70's bush or the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve in 1973, you are very much in luck, because you'll get that here. If you want to see awkwardly edited shots of scuzzy local NYC businesses that may or may not have loaned McBride some dough to get this thing made, than bingo!


Also, if you miss the days when comedy was not funny ("Got a match?" "Yeah, your face and a buffalo fart!"), once again, this is the movie for you. Every one else should probably seek their thrills elsewhere. Interestingly, Jim McBride eventually learned to make movies for real. He directed both The Big Easy (1987) and Great Balls of Fire (1989), before settling in as a TV director. It should also be noted that he scored an earlier cult hit with David Holzman's Dairy (1967), which I was forced to watch once, about 20 years ago. To be honest, I'd rather see this one again. At least it had vaginas. Bushy vaginas, but vaginas, nonetheless.

Archie and his gang did not continue on in the acting field, although I would not be surprised if Gail Lorber really did shoot a few XXX loops on the weekends. I woulda bought some. She was a natural.

Availability: Hot Times is available on VHS.
Buy Hot Times at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre