Andy Warhol’s Dracula (a.k.a. Blood for Dracula) (1974)

Directed by Paul Morrissey
Starring Udo Kier, Joe D’Allesandro, Dominique Darel, Stefania Casini, Vittorio de Sica
Rated X
Italy

A Halloween-themed entry for ya.

Appearing in the spring of 1974, Andy Warhol’s Dracula (a.k.a. Blood for Dracula) -- along with its almost-simultaneously-released companion title, Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (a.k.a. Flesh for Frankenstein) -- probably stands as one of the most-seen or “commercial” of Warhol’s films.

It’s also most certainly one of the wildest, goriest, sexiest entries in the crowded Dracula subgenre of horror.

Of course, while Warhol’s name appears in the title and he is credited as co-producer, it’s more of a branding thing than an indication of the celebrated pop artist’s involvement. Such was the case with many of the later Warhol features. (Sorta like with The Velvet Underground and Nico, one might say.) Here, as elsewhere, writer-director Paul Morrissey is probably best understood as the one most directly responsible for the film’s unique take on the Dracula story.

The film stars German actor and cult film legend Udo Kier in the title role. Joe D’Allesandro, vet of numerous Warhol flicks such as Flesh, Trash, and Heat, co-stars as Mario, disgruntled servant to the Di Fiore family. Also among the cast are Bicycle Thief director Vittorio de Sica as the head of the family, and Maxime McKendry as the Marchese’s wife.

The film opens with an extreme close-up of an ashen-looking Count painting color into his face and hair so as to appear a little less corpsey. Italian composer Claudio Gizzi’s mournful, Erik Satie-ish theme underscores the scene’s melancholy mood.

Thanks to the Count’s servant, Anton (played by the bug-eyed Arno Juerging), we learn the Count is gravely ill, in desperate need of the blood of virgins to subsist. Anton suggests a trip from Romania to Italy where thanks to the influence of the Roman Catholic Church the likelihood of finding the requisite virgins -- consistently pronounced “where-gins” by the pair -- is ostensibly greater.

The two of them hit the road, the Count’s coffin in which he sleeps strapped to the top of their vehicle. A little bit like Aunt Edna in Vacation.












We then look in on the Di Fiore daughters working in the fields. Eventually we learn that after previously thriving, the family has fallen on relatively hard times, now only able to employ the one servant, Mario, and thus having to do things like work in the garden themselves.

Saphiria (Dominique Darel, who sadly died in a car accident just a few years after) and Rubinia (Stefania Casini, who turns up along with Udo Kier in Dario Argento’s Suspiria) decide to disrobe to get more comfortable. Having to do manual labor reduces their status, argues Saphiria, thus making the wearing of clothes seem a luxury. “We are workers and peasants,” she says, “and we might as well start acting the part.”












Sounds reasonable.

After predictably shocking their mother and two sisters, the prudish Esmeralda (Milena Vukotic) and the youngest Perla (Silvia Dionisio), the pair decide to behave and put back on their clothes, having been further encouraged to do so by a somewhat pissed-off seeming Mario.

Cut back to the Count and Anton, now in Italy. At a tavern Anton gathers info about the Di Fiore family. He also just happens to be present when a car accident claims the life of a young girl. The resourceful servant soaks up some of the blood with some bread and brings it back to his master for a tasty treat.












Soon our fun-loving pair arrive at the Di Fiores’ with a story that the Count is looking for a wife. It takes a bit of convincing by his wife, but eventually the Marchese agrees to host them in order to allow the Count a chance to meet his daughters and perhaps choose one as his bride. The Di Fiores view the Count as a means by which to recup the family’s fortune, although we know better.

We also know something the Count doesn’t know, too. Namely, that if he’s hoping to find “where-gins,” he’s destined for disappointment as far as Saphiria and Rubinia are concerned, as they spend that evening taking turns enjoying the family’s studly servant.












Afterwards, the girls tell Mario of the Count and the family’s plans. They promise him a job as a butler at “Palazzo Dracula,” but Mario isn’t interested. In fact, he’s disgusted with the girls’ materialistic thinking, and predicts a revolution such as happened in Russia will soon occur there in Italy. (A hammer and sickle sketched on the wall of Mario’s room later confirms his Marxist leanings.)

The Count meets the four daughters.












Conflict is imminent, as the Count is looking for virgins, but, as Rubinia says to Saphiria, “I never want to marry until I find out what he’s like in bed.”

Saphiria isn’t too crazy about a future with the sickly-looking Count. Mom agrees he’s “deathly pale,” but attributes that to his being a vegetarian. Eventually the Count and Saphiria get to know one another, their meeting mostly involving a most-intrusive interview of the girl by the Count, the goal of which is to find out whether or not she’s ever slept with a man.

When she tells him she’s a virgin, he is initially unconvinced. “Did anyone touch you here... or here... or here?” he probes. And probes. Satisfied with her responses, the Count suddenly proves he’s not a vegetarian after all.












Alas, as we already well know, Saphiria isn’t pure. And thus does the Count find it necessary to send back his meal.












Meanwhile, Mario and Rubinia pass the time making love and discussing class issues. “Right now he’s a disgusting person with money,” says Mario of the Count. “After the revolution he’ll be a disgusting person with no money.” Rubinia nevertheless remains committed to the idea of enjoying the Count’s riches.

They fight some, but ultimately seem capable of overcoming their ideological differences.












Afterwards Rubinia gives her 14-year-old sister Perla a little lecture while she tries to “wash away this peasant smell.” Perla isn’t convinced by Rubinia’s modern views towards sex. Rubinia responds with one of the film’s many campy bits of dialogue:

“As long as you clean and wash yourself up after each one, it’s okay. You just have to smell fresh!”

Rubinia then meets with the Count, and again the meeting mostly consists of Dracula interviewing the Di Fiore daughter about her sexual history. Things seem to be going well between them until Rubinia takes a peek in the mirror into which the Count is gazing.












“You have no refraction!” (It sounds like she says.) Soon Dracula is feasting once more. And once more things don’t go as he would’ve hoped.












Dude’s gonna need a Zantac or something. Seriously. That’s some wicked reflux he keeps having.

The Marchese has to go to London for business. (Actually, it is suggested later he’s going to London to gamble, which started the family’s troubles in the first place.) The Marchesa is left feeling distraught over the failure of her two daughters to satisfy the Count as a possible bride.

A conversation with the Count causes Mario to become suspicious. There remain two more daughters -- both “where-gins” -- but now it is starting to look like a race to see if Mario can get to them before the Count does.












I’ll let you see for yourself how the story ultimately plays out. Some genuine suspense as things race to the end, with a fairly jawdropping conclusion. There’s more sex. And violence. And some blood for Dracula.












While its commentaries on class and/or “modern” decadence are more than a little muddled, the film is nonetheless an entirely entertaining, irreverent take on the genre. The acting is often way, way over-the-top -- especially Udo Kier’s performance -- but clearly intentionally so. There’s enough Dominique Darel and Stefania Casini on display to warrant the “X” rating the original cut received on its premiere. And the audacious, ultra-gory finale should leave most who come to a film like this satisfied.

In the DVD commentary track, Morrissey notes near the end that he enjoys straddling that line between “serious and silly” or “meaningless and meaningful.” Probably as good a place as any to place Andy Warhol’s Dracula.

- Triple S

Nikkatsu Roman Porno Trailer Collection (2010)

Directed by Various
Starring Various
Unrated
Japan

"What kind of crazy hospital is this?"

On November 9, 2010, Impulse Pictures, an imprint of Synapse Films, will release the Nikkatsu Roman Porno Trailer Collection - a remastered archive of 38 Nikkatsu trailers plus a 30 min. short entitled Ryoko's Lesbian Flight.

What is Nikkatsu Roman Porno, you may ask? Allow me to explain. The Nikkatsu Corporation, founded in 1912, is Japan's oldest major movie studio. In 1971, Nikkatsu introduced their "Roman Porno"(which is short for "romantic pornography") line in order to keep afloat, as television had hit the film industry pretty hard by this point. Over the course of their run from 1971 through 1988, Nikkatsu released over a thousand of these "romantic pornography" films, and Impulse Pictures now has rights to many of them; hence, this collection.

Impulse Pictures will be releasing more than 25 full length titles from the "Roman Porno" back catalogue in the near future, but until then, they offer this trailer collection to wet your whistle for what's to come. In this volume, we have over 60 minutes of film trailers that run the gamut from schoolgirl/nurse motifs to bondage, food play - and beyond.
Films of this era can lean on erotosized rape themes a bit, apparently in part as a reaction to the strict censorship laws in Japan at the time and that are still largely in effect today. Sure, you won't see any offensive genitalia, but as a trade-off, you get an increase of torture and sexual assault as arousal material to compensate. Don't get me wrong, rape is not the sole theme in these films, but if titles like "Rape Me", "Rape Shot", "Rape!", or "Rape Apartments" don't tickle your fancy, you may be better off staying clear of this (or simply taking advantage of the skip button on your remote).

On the other hand, if you like Asian cinema - particularly of the erotic variety - you probably already know what you're getting into and will find plenty to enjoy here. The production values of these features are significantly higher than typical soft-core fare, being that Nikkatsu was quite the powerhouse studio at the time, and many of these films were helmed by "legitimate" directors and actors.

It's great that lost or endangered cinema such as this gets another chance to be seen by a future generation and I highly suggest, if your constitution is strong enough, that you pick up a copy of Nikkatsu Roman Porno Trailer Collection and start filling out your wish list today.

Other titles in this collection include: Coed Report: Yoko's White Breasts, Female Gymnastics Instructor: Jump and Straddle, I Love it From Behind!, Nurse's Dormitory: Assy Fingers, Pearl Diver: Tight Shellfish, and The Lovers are Wet.

- Jeremy Vaca

The Groove Tube (1974)

Directed by Ken Shapiro
Starring Ken Shapiro, Richard Belzer, Chevy Chase, Jennifer Welles
Rated R
USA

Ken Shapiro’s The Groove Tube played something like an “R-rated Saturday Night Live” for most audiences in the late ’70s who probably caught it either as a midnight show, as part of a drive-in double-feature, or for a brief spell in the early ’80s on cable.

While some of the targets of its satire will be unfamiliar to new viewers, the general level of craziness is high enough to sustain interest, with quite a few of the gags still landing despite the film’s age.

After a slow build-up, the first sketch delivers a kind-of-obvious-but-still-grin-producing send-up of the opening of 2001: A Space Odyssey, with a television taking the place of the monolith for a group of spellbound apes.

The opening credits next roll, accompanied by a psychedelic montage of various means of communication culminating with the primary target of this satire -- the almighty TV.

Curtis Mayfield’s “Move On Up” carries us through a postscript with the apes and into the next sketch, one involving a hitchhiker getting picked up by a freethinking, attractive lady driving a yellow VW. Soon they’ve pulled over to the side of the highway, and the lady driver leads our young traveler on a chase through the woods, both happily discarding their clothing along the way.

That little fantasy rapidly resolves into a punchline in which the hitchhiker not only fails to get the girl, but doesn’t seem to have his ID, either.

Next comes “The Koko Show,” a parody of those locally-produced, early-morning kids’ shows some of us recall from the ’70s, a good example of how the TV stood in as an “electronic babysitter.” Only here, the caretaking of the young’uns takes a disturbing turn when Koko (played by Shapiro, who appears in many of the skits) starts reading viewer requests from John Cleland’s Fanny Hill and the like.

A couple of inspired, genuinely laugh-out-loud commercial parodies take us to a longer cooking show segment from the “Kramp TV Kitchen.” Shapiro again stars (from the neck down, in drag) as the hapless cook trying to follow narrated instructions to prepare a Fourth of July Heritage Loaf, “a traditional favorite in Newark.” All goes hilariously awry, gunked up even further by copious coatings of “Kramp Easy-Lube Brand Vegetable Shortening.”

Another commercial parody follows for Geritan, a dietary supplement that appears to have another pleasant effect. This one features a brief appearance by a young Chevy Chase, appearing here with Jennifer Welles, star of various exploitation and porn films in the ’60s and ’70s (including 1977's Inside Jennifer Welles).

Following skits spoofing political roundtable shows and Yellow Pages commercials comes the longest segment, “The Dealers,” starring Shapiro and Richard Belzer as a couple of dope smugglers enduring a sequence of entertaining highs and lows.

Among their hijinks comes an “eat-the-grass-to-hide-the-grass” episode (straight outta “Cruising with Pedro de Pacas”), an impromptu visit to a matinee at which Belzer receives an impromptu blowjob, and a memorably trippy animated sequence.

A commercial for Butz beer then takes us to the “Channel One Evening News” which incorporates more low-budgeted lunacy, including a series of commercials from the Uranus Corporation, makers of Brown 25, a revolutionary new product with “the strength of steel, the flexibility of rubber, and the nutritional value of beef stew.”

“At Uranus, things come out a little differently.”

Next is “Channel One Wild World of Sports” and another inspired bit, coverage of the “The 34th Annual International Sex Games.” The West German team is featured, although the signal “via early bird satellite” could stand to be improved.

A funny bit matching footage of Watergate hearings with Clark Terry’s “Mumbles” comes next, followed by Shapiro and Chase performing an abusive rendition of “Four-Leaf Clover.”

The PSA segment with a strange-looking character with a bulbous head and wrinkly trunk sitting on a park bench informing us about sexually-transmitted diseases that comes next has to be seen to be believed. Sort of analogous to those “magic eye” pictures that once you figure out what is hidden there, you never see it the same way again.

Shapiro then dances us out with a zany song-and-dance number.

Calling The Groove Tube an “R-rated SNL” probably made more sense back during the Chase-Belushi-Murray days. Other points of comparison might include 1977’s The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977), another sketch-comedy based film, or early Firesign Theatre records such as Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers, another satirical work focusing on early ’70s TV.

Despite the inventiveness and promise of his debut, Shapiro would only return for one more feature, the Chevy Chase-vehicle Modern Problems, another comedy remembered fondly by some but which mostly misfired with audiences when released in 1981. Wouldn’t necessarily recommend that one, other than to note it contains one of the most outrageous nosebleed scenes I can remember.

But for some riotous ’70s-style grins -- and a few girls, too -- do put The Groove Tube in the queue.

- Triple S

Criminally Insane (1975)

Directed by Nick Philips

Starring Priscilla Alden, Michael Flood, Jane Lambert

Rated R

USA

"My heart is just fine as long as my stomach is not empty."

When a movie has a tagline like "250 pounds of maniacal fury!", one tends to expect something a little out of the ordinary - and for the most part, Criminally Insane (AKA Crazy Fat Ethel) delivers. Running at an easily digestible 61 minutes, sexploitation auteur Nick Philips' (AKA Nick Millard) second foray into the horror genre (the Satanic vampire flick, Satan's Black Wedding being his first) takes quite an interesting twist on terror; that of food addiction and the lengths one will go to satisfy their cravings.

Ethel Janowski (Priscilla Alden) has just been released from an insane asylum where she endured such cruel treatments as electro-shock therapy and forced food withdrawal. Upon her arrival home, Ethel's grandmother, played by Jane Lambert, decides to continue implementing the dietary measures suggested by the doctor at the asylum. Ethel understandably has a problem with this, as food is the only solace she has in her lonely world.

After a few days of misery, Ethel has been driven to the brink of sanity - once again. After her grandmother puts locks on all the cupboards and empties the refrigerator of temptations, Ethel's world spirals out of control as the only thing she truly loves seems to be no more than a distant memory. While arguing with her grandmother, Ethel feels compelled to do whatever is necessary to get access to her precious foodstuffs - which entails stabbing granny to death in order for her to relinquish her grasp of the cupboard key.

With her grandmother now out of the way, Ethel has free access to her gluttonous pleasures. When the food runs low, Ethel takes it upon herself to place the weekly food order from the local grocery. Once the delivery boy shows up and demands payment, of which she cannot make, Ethel has no choice but to stab him to death with a broken bottle so that he won't leave with her box of groceries.

Before the delivery boy's body is even cold, a knock is heard at the front door. As luck would have it, Ethel's prostitute sister has shown up for a visit, leaving Ethel with little choice but to concoct a story of grandma being on vacation. With granny now "gone", Ethel uses her bedroom as a storage room for the rotting corpses that are quickly piling up - using spray air freshener in an attempt to cover up the ever sickening scent of decay.

Who will be the next victim of Ethel's rage, and what will become of their corpses? The only way you'll receive those answers is to get a hold of this puppy yourself for a quick hour of 70's horror goodness.

Retro Shock-O-Rama Cinema brings Criminally Insane, along with it's atrocious sequel, and Satan's Black Wedding to one convenient DVD for your viewing pleasure. The prints are pretty scuffed, but as with most of this type of cinema, it really doesn't matter. The main thing to be thankful for is that these films are even available on DVD at all, and I for one am quite appreciative.

- Jeremy Vaca

COOL WORLD (1992)

COOL WORLD (1992)

Directed By Ralph Bakshi

Starring: Kim Basinger, Brad Pitt, Gabriel Byrne

I'm a long-time admirer of the work of Ralph Bakshi. Like many of my favorite filmmakers, he seems to be a victim of forever seeking financing for his visions. But, when he does get his hands on some dough, his work lacks the subtle charm that a low budget brought to his earlier work. Arguably, the money behind COOL WORLD was probably the most Bakshi ever worked with.... too bad little things like a plot that a viewer could easily follow didn't come along with the package.

COOL WORLD sadly possesses moments, scenes, that are...well...cool. But, as a whole, the film fails, with unlikeable characters and a chaotic structure that tends to frustrate.

Paramount Pictures (the film's distributor) was obviously looking for the next WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?. What they got was Bakshi's id on screen, attempting to pigeonhole itself into an all-important PG-13 MPAA rating (gotta reach the biggest audience you can). And, if one is familiar with Ralph's previous work it's not a comfortable fit.

The story centers around Frank Harris (Brad Pitt), a returning G.I. from the horrors of World War 2 who only wants to give his mother a ride on his motorcycle, which ends in a crash that kills dear old mom and thrusts Frank into the Cool World, which is basically Toontown populated by ink and paint degenerates.

No...waitaminnit...the plot involves a cartoonist named Jack Deebs (Gabriel Byrne) in present day (1992) Las Vegas, who after a jail sentence for the murder of his cheating wife, returns to his hometown. Deebs' COOL WORLD is an underground comic book sensation, featuring paper hussy Holli Would (animated and live-action Kim Basinger) and her gang of 'toon lowlifes. He thinks that he's just having screwy dreams whenever he finds himself there, and from said dreams he draws inspiration for his work....

Around the 35 or 40 minute mark in this film, dear reader, one begins to suspect that even Bakshi himself doesn't even know what story he's trying to tell. Very rarely does a film frustrate me enough to physically interact with it, but at this point I verbally exclaimed, "The plot's broke. It's friggin' broke, the pieces ain't fitting together and flowing...", which was followed a few minutes later (under my breath) with a very exhausted and cynical, "...and no one cares."...

Anyways, unbeknown to Jack, the Cool World actually exists, and Holli has plans for him of a carnal kind. The law of Cool World is: "Doodles" (toons) don't have sex with "Noids" (humans), or,....something bad will happen, I guess. They don't really explain why boning would be bad, and the only ill effects that it seems to have is that it turns doodles into noids (Holli becomes real) and later it causes the participants of aforementioned intercourse to flicker painfully between real people and cartoon clowns.

Holli and Jack do the deed, because Holli has a weird Marilyn Monroe fetish and thinks that all of Monroe's films are real. There's a subplot in there somewhere all about a doodle scientist who has created a spike that allows doodles and noids to crossover and back and forth between the real world and the Cool World...he's also responsible for Frank Harris accidentally crossing over, but if you make it this far into the film, you won't really care.

Speaking of Frank, he's become the law enforcement of the Cool World and is partnered with a stogie smoking bug that wears a derby named Nailz (our "comedy relief", ladies and germs). Harris is seemingly eternally young now, thanks to his enviroment, and even dating a doodle..and both are sexually frustrated because they can't go beyond heavy petting.

Holli freaks out while in the "real" world, tries to steal the spike and bring about the animated Rapture, only to be stopped by Frank and cartton superhero Jack (don't ask). Harris is killed in the attempt to save the world, but is resurrected as a doodle and everyone lives happily ever after. Kinda. Who cares? Obviously not folks going to the box office, because the general audience of 1992 reacted much the same way I have to COOL WORLD, with a loud "WTF?!?!"...

On a technical level, COOL WORLD is pretty awesome to watch, especially if one tempers their viewpoint with the knowledge that this is all pre-CGI wizardry. One gets the feeling from the visuals Bakshi presents that he was aiming for a stoner audience, during a decade in which the "trip" movie had fallen outta vogue somewhat.

COOL WORLD does something amazing. It attempts to be raw and edgy, but falls short, coming off just plain crude. The film's all flash, no substance...and, doesn't even fulfill that naughty thrill that comes from seeing animated acts of depravity (for that, go look up any of Bakshi's earlier stuff), but still leaves the viewer feeling dirtier for having seen it. Watch COOL WORLD....then take a nice hot shower. Too bad no amount of hot water will wash away the sadness of having lost 101 minutes of your life sitting through it.

-The HONG KONG CAVALIER

Massacre at Central High (1976)

Directed by Rene Daalder
Starring Derrel Maury, Andrew Stevens, Robert Carradine, Kimberly Beck, Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith
Rated R
USA

You’re the new kid. You’re buds with one of the members of the innermost, most powerful clique at Central High. But you’re a rebel. A loner. You don’t go for this clique-stuff, no sir.

So what happens? Massacre at Central High, that’s what.

Vets of 70s drive-ins, early 80s cable, or the days of VHS and Betamax may remember this cult classic, the first feature from writer-director Rene Daalder whose credits-listing as “Renee” might cause some to think mistakenly it’s a woman at the helm. (It’s a man, baby.)

Holland-born Daalder got his start working with Russ Meyer (Supervixens, Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens), who is described on Daalder’s website as the person responsible for the Dutchman’s “initiation in all things American.” (Just imagine that for a moment, if you will.) Sounds like Daalder worked as a cameraman for Meyer and co-wrote an ultimately unproduced script for Meyer as well.

As far as its theatrical life is concerned, Daalder’s low-budgeted drama came and went without a whole lot of fanfare. This despite the praise of several critics including Roger Ebert who cited it as one of the better films of 1976, then heralded it again as a “Guilty Pleasure” a few years later on an episode of “At the Movies,” the PBS version of the show Ebert co-hosted with Gene Siskel. Danny Peary also singled it out for analysis in his second Cult Movies reader.

In the decades since, Massacre has been frequently mentioned as an influential, early example of the ultra-violent high school revenge flick, with several later films -- 1989’s Heathers, in particular -- clearly demonstrating its influence. It’s getting-back-at-the-bullies premise is also sometimes evoked in discussions of real-life high school massacres, most especially the one that occurring at Columbine High in Colorado in 1999.

The title cries exploitative horror, though there’s certainly more going on here than your typical grindhouse fare. It fact, the movie ultimately goes beyond the simple revenge formula to try to present a kind of Animal Farm-type allegory about power and its effect on us. I wouldn’t go so far as to say the film entirely succeeds in advancing some sort of coherent “message” about such. But it does get you thinkin’ -- perhaps more than you might expect to do when watching a film with such a title.


As the opening credits roll, we see the new kid, David, running on the California beach, accompanied by a melodramatic tune declaring “You’re at the crossroads of your life.” Weird “flash-forwards” are intercut here, previews of some of the violence to come.

Soon we’re at school with David, effectively played by a brooding Derrel Maury. With David we witness the three bullies -- Bruce, Paul, and Craig -- in the hall roughing up Spoony, a pre-Revenge of the Nerds Robert Carradine for having drawn a swastika on a locker.

“It’s a social protest,” Spoony explains. “That’s very sixties,” says Bruce, and the rough-housing continues.

That opening exchange does set up what seems like a kind of conflict between an earlier, idealistic time (the 60s) and the more practical, self-interested present (the 70s) where all that “summer of love” crap no longer flies. In any event, David makes a bad first impression when he seems to object to Spoony’s abuse.

Eventually David ends up in a student lounge, a space seemingly ruled by the bullies along with David’s friend Mark, played by Andrew Stevens, a familiar face that fans of movies about girls might remember from 1982’s The Seduction (starring Morgan Fairchild).

Actually, the whole campus is pretty clearly under the bullies’ dominion. It’s a weird world, Central High, where no teachers are ever shown, nor do we meet any parents or other adults for pretty much the entire film.


“This place is a fucking country club,” is how Mark describes the scene to David. “Gotta be able to change your whole style here,” he instructs. “You gotta drop that loner shit.” It’s pretty obvious from the eye-rolls that David isn’t comfortable with his friend’s advice.

The first half-hour rapidly establishes the dynamics of power at Central High while also introducing the female cast. There’s Mark’s girl, Theresa, played by a fetching Kimberly Beck (the final girl in 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter). Lani O’Grady, one of the sisters on “Eight Is Enough,” is there, too, as Jane, along with the ever-sweet Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith, the cult-film fave who plays Mary.

The girls are aware of David’s unwillingness to accept the school’s firmly established power structure, but aren’t optimistic he’ll be able to continue to do so for long. As Jane says, “they get to everyone sooner or later.”

David keeps steaming as he watches the fellas rough up more nerds.


Meanwhile, David also laments at the attitude of his friend, Mark, who seemingly endorses such behavior. The nerds don’t care much, either, for David’s attempts at helping them. “Don’t you people ever fight back?” asks David incredulously.

The bullying turns even uglier as the troublesome trio grab Mary and Jane and pull them into an unoccupied classroom for what appears to be an afterschool gangbang. (Again, the viewer wonders, where the hell are the teachers?).


David decides he can’t sit back and watch any longer, and summarily whips all three in satisfying fashion.

Somewhat surprisingly, David and Theresa subsequently enjoy some dimly-lit skinny-dipping at dusk, which Mark finds out about later but doesn’t seem too bothered by. As it turns out, that little bit of fun is but a momentary respite for our protagonist, who soon receives a painful response from the bullies that leaves him crippled.


David tells no one of what happened to cause his now-permanent limp. “Ratting on people is not my style,” he explains. (Of course, in this world without adults it isn’t clear to whom he would do the ratting, even if it were his style.)

No, David’s style involves revenge. The violent kind. The middle third of the film is then taken up with his dealing with the bullies one by one, employing novel, slasher-film-style methods with each.


Along the way, Mark and Teresa make love on the beach (another dusky, hard-to-see encounter), after which Mark wonders if he, too, will fall victim to David’s wrath.

The film does not end with David’s revenge, rather continuing on into a third act, which is why I think critics like Ebert found the film more interesting than your typical drive-in offerings. (That, or perhaps Ebert’s own connection with Russ Meyer predisposed him toward giving the Daalder-directed Massacre more attention than he otherwise might have.)

“What goes around comes around,” says a newly-emboldened Spoony, sort of ironically summing up the new order. One soon realizes that with the bullies out of the way, something not-so-nice seems to be happening to the nerds as a result. “Suddenly this school is rife with opportunity,” says Arthur, who works in the library, as he tries to convince David that the two of them (brawn & brains) can become Central High’s new leaders.

David doesn’t like it. Not one bit. What happens? More nasty surprises.


Oh, and more stuff gets blowed up.


Will leave aside the particulars of how things turn out, other than to point out one much better-lit, campage-a-trois involving Jane, Mary, and Spoony. Spoony’s not such a nerd after all, it seems!


At under 90 minutes, Massacre at Central High gallops along at what to me seems a much-too-fast pace for any deeper messages to be absorbed (or plot twists to be accepted). Still, it's an entertaining ride, as well as a modest achievement with some historical significance. Definitely worth checking out for those with an interest in high school melodrama, “bully comeuppance” flicks, ultraviolence and/or explosions, Rainbeaux Smith, or all things '70s.

- Triple S