Spring Fever USA (1989)

AKA Lauderdale
Directed by Bill Milling
Starring Janine Lindemulder, Darrel Guilbeau, Michelle Kemp, Ron Jeremy
Rated R
USA

"Bambi, you're so beautiful. I can understand why some men kill for love."
"Wilson, you're so weird. I can understand why some animals eat their young."

One of the teen sex comedy's long-lost gems, this frivolous little film was written and directed by an ex porn producer, Bill Milling (Ecstasy in Blue, Blonde Velvet, both 1976), and starred a future porn star, Janine Lindermulder, during her brief B-movie stage. Considered by some to be a satire of the genre, and to others a hopeless and helpless victim of the genre's excesses, Spring Fever USA is both brilliant and brainless, a zippy, lighter-than-air romp that fairly throbs with cartoonish exuberance and takes care to fill every single frame with at least one bouncy blonde, more if they can fit. Littered with porn regulars (Ron Jeremy) and local weirdos (Beano), it's a witty bit of sexploitation that takes full advantage of Florida's natural boner-popping powers.

The story involves a spindly young man with a terrible haircut named Larry Wilson (Darrel Guilbeau), an unlikely Lothario and best friend to a loud, fat maniac named Animal (Screwball Hotel's own Jeff Greenman). We first meet these two goons on the beach, where they moon over bikini-clad hardbodies, which causes Animal to shove wet sand into his mouth.

"They're everywhere," he barks."Mindless hordes of bitchin' bimbos from beyond infinity bent on possessing my mind, with their hot little hands emitting cosmic rays into my mind!"
Like I said, he's a maniac.

Later on at school, they run into a breathless teenage beauty named Heather (Janine Lindemulder). Although she towers over Larry and would clearly never give this kid a second glance in any sort of world besides the one that apparently existed in this fantastical late 80's Floridian Neverland, Larry's aggressive pick-up lines appear to charm her enough to keep Heather talking. And then, from out of nowhere, two Mutt and Jeff goofballs in Hawaiian shirts attempt to abduct her, but they are summarily thwarted by Larry and Animal, who sucker punch them and bolt, dragging Heather with them. Animal hitches a ride on a Sccoby Doo-esque mystery van, and Larry takes off with Heather, who happens to have a gleaming white Excalibur waiting for her behind a clump of palm trees. By the way, although they look pretty fancy, you can buy one of those things for like $30,000.

Heather is appreciative of Larry's rescue efforts, and offers to take him out to dinner.
"You're a very unique and special guy," she says, apparently unaware that both words mean the same thing. Skipping dinner completely, the two go straight to Heather's hotel room. She slips into a bubble bath and tells Larry to order Dom Perignon, the only alcohol that she drinks. It gets her very, very loose, apparently.

Larry calls for room service, but they're out of the stuff. Heather sends him to a liquor store across the street, where he runs into the shop's crazyfro'd owner (the singularly named Beano, seriously going for it), who looks and sounds like some unholy cross between a gone-to-seed Gene Simmons and a mid-bender Sam Kinison.

Liquor store guy extorts several hundred dollars from our shlubby pal as they barter for the last bottle of Dom Perignon, but then Ron Jeremy, with pantyhose on his head, robs them both at gunpoint, fucking it up for everybody. Miraculously, Larry pulls off a swift chopsocky move, knocking Jeremy out. Crazyfro rewards him with the bottle.
"Thanks kid," he says. "Now I'm gonna take this grenade, shove it up his ass, and blow him up."

Various foul-ups happen to Larry along the way back to the hotel. A homeless guy (David Donham, My Chauffer, American Drive In) spooks him, causing him to smash the bottle. Luckily, the wino's been holding a bottle of the "Frog shit" for days, looking for a corkscrew. Larry buys it from him, but then a biker yanks it out of his hand and vrooms off into the night. Etc.

He finally makes it back to the room to find that Heather had a bottle all along, and is now sufficiently lubricated. They roll around on the bed for a bit, but before Larry can consummate this arduous amorous adventure, the two loud-shirted knuckleheads from earlier this afternoon barge in, abducting their prey and conking Larry on the head.

He wakes up in a luxury apartment, where yet another blow-dried blonde (Lara Belmonte) aerobicizes suggestively. She finally notices him and explains that she's Rachel, 'good friend' of Heather's, who went to see her at the hotel last night, but found the room ransacked and her friend missing. Rachel tells Larry that she had her 'chauffer' drive them both home.
"It's ok, Heather got away," Larry says. "At least I think she did. I had a bunch of champagne last night, and then I got hit in the head, so my brain is kinda fuzzy."
"Well," Rachel says, running her fingers through his hair, "If you could tell me anything at all about what happened, I'd be very grateful."
"It's starting to come back to me," Larry says, glancing down at his crotch.
"Maybe a relaxing hot tub with firm up that memory," Rachel purrs.
"Oh, I think it's firming up already," says Larry.
Seriously, how is this skinny fucker pulling all this off?

Turns out that Rachel is working for vaguely evil Mr. Geeko (Randy Stevens), who really wants Heather back, for whatever reason. Larry is less help than she'd like, so she has the two idiots, now identified as brothers Dick and Duke Dork (Robert Moss and Mark Levine, respectively), give Larry some 'drowning lessons' in the hot tub. Luckily, he's saved by yet another bottle-blonde in a flashy car.

I should point out here that it is quite difficult to keep all these women straight, because they all look pretty much the same. This isn't really the film's fault, though. Most women looked like these girls in 1989. Perms, peroxide, tanning booths and aerobics classes were all very, very big in the late 80's. Anyway, this one is Jane (the very Linnea-esque Michelle Kemp), who works for Heather's dad. Seems she's the daughter of one of the world's richest men, and on her 18th birthday - just one week away! - she'll inherit one million shares of his company. I didn't really understand the whole convoluted story, but Mr. Geeko gets the company if she doesn't show up at some corporate meeting in seven days. So that's why Geeko wants her lost and dad wants her found. Jesus, it took 45 minutes to get to the actual plot. And so, off zooms Jane and Larry to find Heather before the Dorks do.

Of course, the Dorks snatch Heather almost immediately. She was pretty easy to find, considering that foolish car she was tooling around in. Meanwhile, Larry and Jane rent an RV and tour various surf shops (Heather mentioned she wanted to find "The Big Kahuna"), and then stop at a lingerie shop where two more wind-blown almost-blondes (Sherrie Rose and Kimberly O'Brien) model sleazy under-things for them for ten minutes. And then, because it's 1989 (also because it's part of the plot somehow; frankly, this whole scene distracted me), Jane pours into a teddy and garters, too.

Oh, right. It's so she can seduce the Dorks. The plan works, and they rescue Heather, but she cares nothing for her father's company or that Geeko fuckface, she just wants to party, dude. Ron Jeremy shows up on a motorcycle, and they take off to Lauderdale.

Finally, fuckin' Fort Lauderdale. Cue the Beasties rip-off rap-rock tune (blame 'Jeff Mills and Asrock' for that one) and a spring-break montage featuring a seemingly endless array of bared breasts, plus a dude with a mullet and a mustache disco dancing, and a one-armed black dwarf.

Larry and Jane find Heather oil-wrestling at a nightclub while a Night Ranger-ish band called Fury, with a lead singer who looks like Carrot Top, blares away on stage. I'll give it to the girls: they seriously wail on each other.

Heather escapes Larry's clutches (pretty easy to do, she was probably quite slippery, given the Wesson oil) and ends up at another club, this time singing with yet another ear-battering band, The Rebel Pebbles. The song, some sort of new wave/surf hybrid, goes, in part, "Nights filled with passion, night-time assassin/Fantasies unleashed, you're finally with me". One dude plays the keytar. It's a pretty awful song.

Then there's a belly-flop competition, followed quickly by a wet t-shirt contest. Look closely, and you might also spot a young Amy Lynn Baxter during an extended bikini car wash scene. By this point in the film, it becomes pretty obvious that director Milling is determined to suck every bit of pulp out of the already-occurring Lauderdale spring break for his movie. If you were there in 1988, then I suggest you hunt this down, as it will serve as a fine home movie of your experience.

Spring Fever USA roars to a climax with a boat chase, guns, the ol' switcheroo, and a typically improbable happy ending where everybody ends up with bright futures and compatible sexual partners, even fat loudnouths and future sex stars. Such endings are usually pretty tough to swallow, but after 90 minutes of bikini car washes and belly flop kings, you start to believe that just about anything is possible, as long as it's happening under a blazing Florida sun.

Director Bill Milling has had one of the most amazing exploitation film careers imaginable, having done everything from acting to directing to special effects on films like Squirm (1976), Nightmares in a Damaged Brain (1980) Savage Dawn (1985) and Caged Fury (1989). These days, he owns a successful film studio in New York City, but probably misses topless shoots in Florida every once in awhile. Janine Lindermulder of course became a semi-mainstream porn star with two full-sleeves of tattoos. Non masturbators would probably recognize her best as the porno-nurse on the cover of that one Blink 182 album. Darrel Guilbeau has carved out a lucrative career doing voice-over work for anime. Michelle Kemp never acted again, nor did Beano. Ron Jeremy is as fat as ever. Many thousands of college kids still go to Fort Lauderdale every spring break to drink themselves into comas and judge girls on their ability to wet down their t-shirts.

Availability: Spring Fever USA is semi-available on DVD and slightly more available on VHSunder its original title, Lauderdale. I encourage you to seek out one or the other and dream big 80's dreams.

-Ken McIntyre

Teen Lust (1979)

AKA The Girls Next Door
Directed by James Hong
Starring Kristin Baker, Leslie Cederquist, Robert Gribbin, Michael Heit
Rated R
USA
Shop for this poster!

"Is this your cesspool superstar?"

I should mention at the top here that yes, that's the same James Hong as the one you're thinking of - the beloved character actor with over 300 acting credits to his name, from the maitre d' on the legendary Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld, to the Japanese general in Airplane! (1980). He's been the go-to Asian character actor in films and television for over fifty years now. And, very occasionally, he directs. Besides this one, he's only taken the directorial reins on two other films: 1989's comic-horror romp The Vineyard, and Singapore Sling (2000), a low-budget thriller starring Shannon Tweed. Both have their own merits and flaws, but neither hold a candle to this, his incredible, frequently jaw-dropping directorial debut.

Teen Lust begins like all good teen sex comedies do: with a shot of a girl's ass. In this case, it belongs to the fetching Lee Ann Barnes, and it's being hugged ever so tightly by a heart-breaking pair of white hot pants. This is the film's money shot, and if it had ended there, we could all go home happy. But it is not the end, it is the beginning of one of the strangest cinematic rides you'll ever take.


Lee Ann plays DeDe, a thrill-seeking bimbo with feathered hair and a raging libido. At the film's opening, she's on the make, doing her damnedest to seduce Terry (Perry Lang), a generic nice guy and best friend to musclecar-driving superjerk Hotrod (Richard Singer). DeDe takes off her shirt to impress the boys. It is, in fact, a magnificently impressive sight. But when Terry and Hotrod's girlfriends show up, Terry shoves DeDe into the trunk of Hotrod's car. And leaves her there as the four go joyriding.

This is the first sign that all is not well with this group.


Kristen Baker - best known as the first kill in Friday the 13th, Part 2 - is Carol, the film's protagonist, and Terry's sometimes-girlfriend. She and her best friend Neeley (platinum-haired Leslie Cederquist), have just joined the volunteer police force. That is why this film is also known as Police Academy Girls, or, alternately, Girls Police Academy, although the film actually has very little to do with the police academy. It has very little to do with anything, really, except the near-constant humiliation of it's lead actress.

After their ride with a kidnapped DeDe, we are introduced to Carol's demented family. There's Dustin (Robert Sloane) her airplane-obsessed, mentally handicapped brother, who she promises to marry someday. I know how that sounds, and yes, it is extremely creepy, although not quite as creepy as the scenes with her father (Stan Kamber), a greasy bruiser who attempts to tongue-kiss her whenever she comes home. Mom (Dolly Carolla, a mousy blonde who cannot be more than three or four years older than Baker) is an unrepentant lush, who spends all of her time in the kitchen, slugging hard from the endless bottles of hooch she has hidden in every cupboard. It's no wonder that Carol is so interested in a job that involves a gun.

There are a few scenes where Carol receives police training, but it's obvious that the cops she travels with are only interested in sleeping with her. And on her second day of training, they put her on the vice squad, dressing her up like a street hooker and getting her to bait johns. Not surprisingly, she almost gets raped on the job. It will not be the last time that Hong uses rape as a gag. The whole fuckin' movie is a rape gag, really.


A little further on, there's a bit where she tries to get her mother to quit drinking by emptying her bottles in the sink while her mother screams and thrashes around. There's a punchline - mom glugs down yet another bottle while hugging her daughter - but it's still more disturbing than funny. And that's the main problem with this film: cruelty is often confused with humor. For example, there's a recurring gag with a heavy girl named Bambi (Liza Stanley) - every time she eats something, her mother slaps her face. It's admittedly funny the first time, but after the third or fourth time, it's just vindictive.

The second half of the film is just a blur of outrage. There's an exceedingly bizarre scene where Carol is making out with her goony boyfriend in his car. Suddenly the car starts rocking violently. It's being shaken by a group of 10-12 year old kids who proceed to punch him and hit him in the face with clumps of dirt. Then they drag Carol out of the car. She manages to wriggle free and takes off running, but they catch her and start tearing off her clothes. It's not until the cop shows up and threatens to shoot them that they leave, and even then, it's with shouts of "Oink Oink!"


Just who the fuck are these little savages?

Incidentally, while this scene is playing, you hear the future theme from The People's Court!

Carol comes home from her near-gang-rape to find her mother bent over the sink, getting banged by the crusty, bearded plumber ( an uncredited Buck Flower, naturally).


"How could you do this to daddy?" She cries.
"Oh, it's ok," her mom says. "Your daddy isn't really your father. Your father is impotent."
Carol is, understandably, incredulous. "What?" She asks. "Mom!"
"Oh, I'm not your mother, dear. You're adopted."

Next scene: Carol visits a priest, who has a slimy gas station mustache.
"I keep having dreams that I'm being raped, every night," she tells him.
"And by all different people. Not just men, women too. Maybe I'm queer!"
"I'm glad you came to me with this problem," says the priest. "You've helped me with my decision. This Sunday at church, I'm coming out of the closet."
"But, there's no closet in church." Can we get a cymbal crash, please?
"No, Carol. What I'm saying is...I'm sweet."
"Oh, you are sweet for listening to my problems."
"Carol, all I'm saying is to show your love. You know, all Hitler needed was a hug. Not that he was my type."

Back on vice duty, Carol finds out that her partner, Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin), is hopelessly in love with her. She finds this out because he rapes her in the front seat of her car. Some other cops show up to make sure everything's ok. They assume she's enjoying it, and take off.

Yes, this is still supposed to be a comedy.

Carol comes home dressed like a hooker, which excites dad. He lunges for her and topples down the stairs, hurting his back. He tells his wife to "Get Lena, she's the only one that can fix my back!"
Lena (Ernee Simpson) shows up soon after. She is a large black woman with a platinum white wig. She starts karate chopping his back while his wife points at him and yells, "Impotent! Impotent!"
"Carol honey, I want you to meet your real mother," Dad says, pointing to Lena.


Suddenly, a banana cream pie fight breaks out.

"Honey, I'm sorry I left you here with these honkies," Lena says. And then she splits.
Dustin, the handicapped son, starts playing the piano. You really can play!" says Carol.
"Sure I can," he says, in perfect English.
"And you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk, Carol."
Prior to this moment, he talked with a strange accent that was supposed to denote retardation, but actually made him sound deaf. Whatever.
"My mother won't let me marry a nigger," he says, out of fucking nowhere. And then he tries to molest Carol.
Carol runs out into the street just as Hotrod shows up to run over Dustin. And then he splits. Officer Drury shows up as Carol checks to see if Dustin's alive.
"I want to see you again tonight," he says, with complete disregard for what's happening.
"Why, so you can rape me again?" Carol asks.
"Who's this guy?" The cop says, finally realizing there's a body on the street.
"It's Dustin. We were going to get married."
"Well in that case, I hope he's dead," says the cop. And then he drives away.

It all ends in a chaotic wedding scene. Will Carol really marry her retarded brother? Or will she run away with the cop who raped her? And are those really her only choices?


Teen Lust is one of the weirdest and creepiest films you're likely to find in the teen sex comedy genre. All the humor is based on cruelty, and were it not for Kristin Baker's feather-light performance, this could easily devolve into grueling exploitation. I mean, this fucker is just plain mean. I cannot claim to know what James Hong's intentions were, but the end product feels like John Waters with a grudge. Interesting, there is no writing credit listed anywhere for this film. I'm guessing Charlie Manson.

Obviously, Teen Lust is mandatory viewing. You'll hate it so much that you'll love it. Just be sure not to watch it with your wife, sister, girlfriend, or mom, unless you want to spend the rest of the evening trying to explain just what your fuckin' problem is.

Kristin Baker, by the way, quit acting in 1987. Can you blame her?

Availability: Teen Lust is available on VHS.
Buy Teen Lust on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre