Teenage Exorcist (1991)

Directed by Grant Austin Waldman
Starring Brinke Stevens, Eddie Deezen, Robert Quarry
Unrated

"Look deep into my eyes. What do you see?"
"Too much mascara?"

The first thing we probably need to address here is that there aren't actually any teenagers in this film, exorcist or otherwise. Initially, the pivotal role of the spazzy pizza boy was written for a teenage girl, but those plans were scrapped along the way, and the role went to rubber-faced doofus Eddie Deezen. This last-minute shake-up rendered the film's title useless, but the posters were already printed, so what the hell.

Teenage Exorcist was one of the few screenplays written by still in-demand 80's scream-queen Brinke Stevens. Stevens also stars in the film as nerdy, uptight grad student Diane, who rents a creaky old mansion (producer Fred Olen Ray's house, a frequent location for many of his films) from creepy Michael Berryman for $50.

Naturally, the house is haunted, in this case by the spirit of the former owner, one Baron DesSade (!). As such, as soon as Diane starts snooping around the joint, scary stuff happens. There's a snake in her closet! Or is there?  And then an invisible man squeezes the milk!

And then she eats bloody lettuce! Diane survives these initial ghostly assaults, but calls her sister Sally (Elena Sahagun, who does actually look like she could be Stevens' biological sibling) and begs her to come over and keep the frightened college girl company. And the lights go out, so she goes downstairs to the basement to hit the circuit breaker. When she gets down there, she sees Satan lurking by the furnace.

And then her sister and her dopey husband Mike (Jay Richardson, Bikini Chain Gang) drop by to check on her, and she has somehow transformed into a lingerie-clad, man-eating vixen.

Sally assumes Diane's blood sugar is off, and offers to make some guacamole, which seems a little random. Diane uses the opportunity to hit on Mike, but he manages to wriggle out of her silky web of seduction. Then Diane grabs a chainsaw and chases her sister around with it.

And then Sally goes to take a shower and Satan scrubs her back.

Eventually, Sally and Mike figure out what's happening. They call a priest (Robert Quarry), but he accidentally turns Diane into a dog. And then she goes down to the cellar and transforms into a leather-clad dominatrix. Unsure of how to proceed, the priest calls the monsignor, but accidentally calls a pizza place instead. Dopey pizza boy Eddie (Deezen) shows up with $50 worth of pies, and they dupe him into fighting the demon.

She takes him downstairs and introduces him to Satan, They seem to get along ok. But Satan wants to sacrifice Eddie so that he can live forever, and he bashes pizza boy on the skull. Long story short, Diane ends up having slipper-sex with him, so he is useless for a virgin sacrifice. Satan decides to go with Mike instead, even though he's not a virgin. Might as well. A not-so-epic battle between good and evil - complete with a handful of zombies - ensues.

True, Teenage Exorcist lacks a plot, has no production values, and appears to have been thrown together in one afternoon. But it also boasts a very likeable cast, moves along with speedfreak abandon, and features a fully-ripe Brinke Stevens in revealing clothing for nearly all of it's running time. If you've seen any of Fred Olen Ray's other films - Evil Toons, Star Slammer, Bikini Drive-in, etc - than you know exactly what to expect here. Mindless 80's VHS-style trash, perfect for a lazy afternoon of poppin' boners and cheap laughs.

- Ken McIntyre