Monday, November 26, 2012

Big Doll House(1971)

Directed by Jack Hill
Starring Pam Grier, Judy Brown, Sid Haig, Brooke Mills, Pat Woodell
Rated R
USA

"You don't look like a hardened criminal to me"

 The funniest part of this whole movie came right at the beginning for me. Not that that this is a funny movie in any way, or that it's low budget automatically creates funny scenes, or even that it's directed by Jack Hill. No, the funniest part for me was seeing the Metro Goldwyn Mayer intro. I mean somehow Roger Corman secured major distribution though this major studio! How is that even possible? You've got to give it to the man, selling a movie about women in prison to MGM. So yeah, that cracked me up a bit, especially after watching the last MAG movie which was also a Roger Corman production. And like Ken said about the man, he's been using this formula for fifty years now, and it still works.

Big Doll House and indeed Attack of the 50ft Cheerleader are perfect examples of that Roger Coman Formula. Forty two years apart, different directors and producers, and yet it's so obvious that they're related. Both offer nothing more than what you think you're going to get. And both deliver. Whalla! Perfecto. What a formula!


The plot of Big Doll House is pretty simple. A bunch of American babes are in some sort of Banana Republic prison for no detectable reason. They get tortured every once in a while by the sadistic guards and fight amongst themselves for power. And unlike the misleading tag line in the otherwise wonderful poster art, these women are less than pleased by men. They're only real desire is to get the fuck out of there. Still, they make due by having cockroach races, engaging in various dominant and submissive lesbian trysts and dancing around on heroin.


 The only males in the film are a pair of horny fruit and vegetable delivery men(Jerry Franks and Sid Haig) and a hapless prison doctor who's flat performance throughout the movie provide a lot of chuckles.


Pam Grier made her debut in Big Doll House and it's easy to see she's the real star of the film. She lights up every scene she's in and her future as a box office draw is pretty clear. Jack Hill is often credited for discovering her but in his own words she just showed up for a casting call and the rest was history. Her performance alone makes this film worth watching and her brief scenes with Jack Hill staple, Sid Haig are golden.


Grear(Grier) lets Harry(Haig) feel her up and molest her now and then in exchange for cigarettes and heroin for her junkie slave. Fair enough. But life in this women's prison, as sexy as it is, isn't always a bowl of cherries. The main guard is a total pervo and uses some strange combination of military styled BDSM to torture the ladies. Everything from electricity to poisonous snake torture shows up in her sessions, all as a masked figure watches from the distance.


At this point the girls have had it and they get to work planning their escape. Personally I would have liked a little more implied lesbian bonding at this point. They've been cat fighting for the whole film so far and now they're friends and it would have been hot, but whatever.


From this point on it's guns and murder as the girls fight their way out. They trick the boys into helping them, there's another snake scene(only in the Philippines, man)and even a cat who delivers a key securing their escape. Unfortunately all this goodness leads us to the films one major flaw; the unnecessary rape scene.


Eww. Sure she's the bad guy and she had some sort of comeuppance due, but...gross. This scene would have played out way better with some light to maybe heavy lesbian torture by one of the former prisoners. It would have made more sense and ended up a lot hotter. All the men fail at this point in the film. Harry, once at least an understandable character, becomes intolerable. Fred, the other fruit guy does nothing and the hapless doctor becomes pathetic as he looks away. Oh well.

But even before you can process any of this, all hell breaks lose as a bunch of prison guards show up and start shooting. Craziness ensues and in true Jack Hill form, nothing good happens in the end.


Big Doll House is often cited as the first of the women in prison films, and that claim is often disputed by weird Internet people citing earlier examples. I can see their point is some cases, but give me a break. Are these weak-ass examples distributed through Metro Goldwyn Mayer? No. They are not. So yes, it's safe to say that we owe Roger Corman a big pat on the back for introducing the concept to the world, and therefore creating the genre.

So for that, and for introducing us to Pam Grier, and even despite the unfortunate rape scene, I have to give Big Doll House a huge Rumspringa Woo.

-Drew

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Land of Doom (1986)

Directed by Peter Maris
Starring Deborah Rennard, Garrick Dowhen, Daniel Radell
Unrated
USA

“You creep! You creep!!” 

It's the end of the world. How'd it end? Who knows and who cares? That's what our heroine/narrator says at the beginning. So, ok. All that's left are pockets of civilization out in the desert, but they are being slowly-but-surely decimated by the “Raiders”, a group of half-assed, mostly middle-aged slobs in leather pants who drive around on “armored” motorcycles. Only the armor is cardboard spray-painted silver. Anyway, as the film opens, the Raiders are raping (clothes on) and pillaging yet another village. The only survivor is Harmony (Deborah Rennard), a plucky bleached-blonde in a baggy surfari suit. Given the outfit and her lack of eyeshadow, one would  assume that there'll be a “makeover” segment at some point, where she emerges with a face full of makeup and maybe a black leather bikini. That's how these post-apoc things always play out, right? As the 'story' wears on – she teams up with a wisecracking mercenary and a puppy-loving lute player, fight French/southern redneck cannibals, gets kidnapped by the Raiders, some Jawas show up with a flamethrower, etc – you keep expecting the goddamn sexy makeover to happen. That's the only thing that keeps you going, because everything else sucks. The pop-disco soundtrack is lousy, there's no gore or nudity, the dialogue is witless, there's just no GOOD PARTS. But at least she'll look super-hot at some point, right? Then all this will be worth it. Meanwhile, you start feeling bad for everyone involved. It strikes you that these are all full-grown ADULTS involved in this childish nonsense, and you think about all the wasted time, money, and resources that went in to this Z-grade, no-budget Road Warrior rip-off, and it really starts to bum you out. But hey, it's 1986, so she's gonna put on blue eye shadow and do a sexy Amazon dance any minute now, right?


Well, spoiler alert: SHE NEVER DOES.

If you're thinking of watching this – it's currently streaming on Netflix, so I can see how you might be tempted – honestly, don't. Anything would be more entertaining. Read the phonebook, watch some paint dry, go sit at the doctor's office and read three year old issues of People magazine. Those would all be more fun than watching this was.

Land of Doom? More like Land of Dumb, amiright, people?


- Ken McIntyre

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sunset Boulevard (1950)

Directed by Billy WIlder
Starring Gloria Swanson, William Holden, Eric Von Stroheim
Unrated 
USA

"Shhh, you might wake the chimp." 

Joe Gillis (William Holden) is a two-bit heel slash hack screenwriter on the lam from various debtors. One day he spies some repo men aiming to take back his wheels, so in desperation, he pulls into an empty garage and stashes his car. He notices that he happens to be in the courtyard of a once-luxurious, currently decrepit old mansion. Before he's able to slink off into the night, he's accosted by a grumpy German butler (Eric Von Stroheim), who ushers him into the house and shoves him upstairs, where a batty old lady is awaiting him.

Said bat is Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson), a former silent film star now aging disgracefully among her faded photographs in her crumbling mansion. She thinks Joe is here to help her bury her dead monkey. Initially, Joe just wants to bail out of this freaky scene, but once he figures out that she's flush with crazy money, he decides to stick around for awhile. She convinces him to help her write a screenplay that will usher in her comeback. Joe knows the script is hopeless, but does it for the paycheck. She falls in love with him, and he falls in love with the easy money.


Along the way, Joe's best friend Artie (Jack Webb) introduces him to his fiance, Betty (Nancy Olsen), another aspiring screenwriter. Together, they start fleshing out one of Joe's stories. It's a lot more promising then Norma's kooky project, so he begins spending more time with Betty, which infuriates jealous old Norma. And if Artie knew just how close Joe was getting Betty, he'd be pretty furious, too.


Norma decides she's finished with her comeback script, and brings it to CC Demille (played by the real CC Demille!), who basically pats her on her head and sends her on her way. Between this gentle rejection and Joe's philandering, Norma goes right over the brink, into a new realm of crazy that still hasn't been matched in sixty years of woman-gone-mad cinema.


Even if you haven't seen  Sunset Boulevard, you're probably familiar with some of Norma's more notorious lines ("I am big, it's the pictures that got small!", "We didn't need dialogue, we had faces!", "Mr Demille, I'm ready for my close-up!"). It's one of the most quotable films I've ever seen. Ostensibly a film-noir, it often verges into deep black comedy, and the campy vamping is just relentless. The fact that Swanson really was a silent film star, who actually worked with Demille, just makes the whole thing even more delirious. Wilder keeps things at a breakneck pace and his script veers expertly between hardboiled and hilarious, but it's Swanson's go-for-broke performance that really puts this one over the top. Her loony glares alone are worth the price of admission.

Great stuff, highly recommended. Just be forewarned that you'll be quoting crazy old lady dialogue to anyone within earshot for days after watching.



- Ken McIntyre 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Death Laid an Egg (1968)

Directed by Giulio Questi
Starring Ewa Aulin, Jean-Louis Trintignant, Gina Lollobrigida
Rated R
Italy 

"Don't count on me to understand anything!" 

This alarmingly surreal Giallo centers on a pop-art chicken farm run by some maniac (Jean-Louis Trintignant), his hot wife (a forty-and-fit Gina Lollobrigida), and his equally hot (and blonde) secretary (Ewa Aulin, AKA the big-eyed chick from Candy), with whom he is having an affair. What makes him a maniac? Every week he goes to a local hotel, picks out a prostitute, stabs her to death, and then has sex with her corpse. Every fuckin' week!  

But here's what he doesn't know: his wife (who owns the farm) is working with the chicken company to breed headless, wingless chickens that are all meat, no cluck. When he discovers these hideous mutants, he goes bananas and tears up the place, thereby ushering in his doom. And everybody else's, as well. 


Oh, and here's the important bit: wifey finds out about his whore habit (although not about the murder-y bits) and decides, for some unfathomable reason, to show up at the hotel dressed like a hooker to catch him in the act. Or something. I couldn't really figure out why, although it is a key plot point. Anyway, the point is, the secretary buys her a bunch of lingerie and then she tries it on. That part was excellent. 


The grisly/bizarre finale is supposed to wrap everything up nicely - and I do get where they were going - but by then, there's so many loose ends left dangling in the breeze that it really just muddies the bloody waters even further. Also, the cinematography made me woozy - lots of extreme closeups - and the pseudo-industrial soundtrack (made, I think, to sound like angry chickens) is a headache. 


Still, it's a giallo about a futuristic chicken farm. And Gina Lollobrigida is in her underwear in it. Therefore, it's a mothercluckin' good time.  



- Ken McIntyre

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