Scream Queens Illustrated: Swimsuit Sensations & Knockout Workout Double Feature (2010)

Directed by John A. Russo

Starring Melissa Moore, Veronica Carothers, Jasae

Unrated

USA

"It's very physically demanding and perhaps the best shape I've been is when I'm home working with the horses."

Originally released on VHS in 1992, and since thought to be lost (or so the box says), this double bill of ridiculousness makes its triumphant return from oblivion via SRS Cinema. Although the original masters (which were probably just camcorder tapes) have disappeared from their vault (which was probably just the camcorder this was recorded on), SRS has lovingly restored this collection for future generations to enjoy (they ripped the VHS copy and burnt it on a disc).

The premise here harkens back to a time long passed in which people were somehow under the impression that watching sexy workout videos could A) be sexy, and B) be entertaining in any other way than ironically.

Basically, we get a trio of "Scream Queen" movie actresses of whom you've never heard of and have them share their experiences of being an "actress" and how they keep in shape for the "movies" that they are in.

In the interview portions, we get to learn about the ladies interests and stuff. Sadness, confusion and nervous chuckling ensue as we hear the ladies share their dreams, goals and workout routines.

After we hear of the womens struggles to rise to the top of the Straight-To-Video pile, we get to see their routines in all their glory. First, of course is stretching:

Then you gotta do this:

And then this, for some reason.

And lastly, you gotta pump some iron.

So yeah, this isn't really a workout video that's gonna do much for you but get you really good at pooping without a toilet (see relevant photo above) or frustratedly wondering who stole all the porn from your porno, but its still a pretty sweet time (for all the wrong reasons, of course.)

Without a doubt, Scream Queens Illustrated is totally lame in a lot of ways (hell, both features are just the same video clips re-edited), which is really the only reason it was re-released, but for a laid back evening of surreal VHS flashbackery (which actually feels a lot like a good cold syrup buzz), Scream Queens Illustrated will fit the bill nicely.

- Jeremy Vaca