Bikini Royale 2: The Right To Bare All! (2010)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Starring Beverly Lynne, Brandin Rackley, Jayden Cole

Unrated

USA

"You were held prisoner in an Egyptian sex slave camp for...how many weeks was it?"

"Seven."

"Ah, yes...seven weeks..."

"It gave a whole new meaning to the term 'camel toe'."

Cute and witty secret agent Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) is back on her back in this sequel to 2008's Bikini Royale: Shoot To Thrill. While the latter title found Tanya X, The Girl From B.I.K.I.N.I. (The Bureau of International Knowledge Intelligence and Nonstandard Investigations) saving the world by rescuing stolen missile plans, Bikini Royale 2: The Right To Bare All!, concerns itself with Miss X going deep undercover as a prostitute at Madame Zola'a House of Tarts in order to break apart a spy ring and find out just what is happening to her disappearing prostitute peers. Yeah, it's as awesome as it sounds.

Now, I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive about watching this, as a lot of these types of films can go pear-shaped real fast. But, within moments of starting Bikini Royale 2, I found myself pleasantly surprised - even laughing. Aloud. (I know, right?)

I suppose this should come as no surprise, as the director is none other than the legendary and incredibly prolific Fred Olen Ray, who has currently made 121 movies in his career that saw it's start in the year 1971. I've never had the pleasure of actually watching any of his work prior to this, but I have definitely heard the titles (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, anyone?) And as a bonus, if you're a "movies with the word bikini in the title" completist, this guy will keep you busy for years to come.

Bikini Royale 2 begins with Tanya X (NFL cheerleader turned Playboy playmate and erotic B-movie actress Beverly Lynne) infiltrating a hilarious looking, yet somehow kind of realistic, green-screened cabin in the North Pole to nick a copy of the book War and Pieces:

All poor Tonya has on to protect her from the harsh elements are a coat and some lacy panties, so she makes her way to the cabin to warm up and complete her mission as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, upon entering the cabin and locating the book, she finds that she is not alone. Dr. Erik Vornoff (Nick Manning), who is somehow connected to the previously mentioned spy ring, shows up right when Tonya is about to hightail it out of there with her mission accomplished, rightly wondering who the hell she is and why she's in his cabin.

Tonya quickly makes up a ridiculous story about her plane crashing and a family of polar bears guiding her to his cabin, and he eats the story up. Within moments, Dr. Vornoff has her out of her wet coat and standing before him in her sexy underthings.

Without further delay, Tonya X is "putting out like a shop-worn whore" - as her boss Mr. Shayne (Dan Golden AKA Sam Silver) earlier suggests - and spends the next 5 minutes in a strategically choreographed exercise in sanitized pornography.

Shortly after the genitalia-free lovemaking is done, Tonya attempts to sneak out with the book, but is caught by Dr. Vornoff. With one spray of her "Speepytime" perfume to the face, the doctor is knocked out cold and Tonya is on her way back to B.I.K.I.N.I. headquarters.

Upon her return, but not until after some celebratory shower masturbation, Tonya X checks in with Mr. Shayne at headquarters. It turns out that the book she recovered contains the encoded names of various enemy spies living in the US, and that they are using a brothel run by a one Madame Zola (Brandin Rackley) as an underground railroad to travel freely on American soil.

Tonya must now go back undercover (which pretty much just means putting on a pair of glasses) as a prostitute and put a stop to this un-American madness in a series of insipid silliness and hot soft-core eroticism that aren't really of much consequence as a whole, but also don't need to be because they're just so much fun to watch. Think VIP starring Pamela Anderson with a small helping of She Spies for good measure - but on a much lower budget, tons more nudity, and girls in cages(!!!) - and you'll get the vibe that Bikini Royale 2 is going for.

I couldn't manage to locate a trailer online for Bikini Royale 2, but just to give you an idea of the awkward hijinks and pun heavy tomfoolery you'll be bombarded with in a Beverly Lynn/Fred Olen Ray joint such as this, I present you with the trailer for Season 1 of the Tanya X show:

If the teaser above did it for you, you can visit Retromedia for similar titles and you can purchase this little gem from any of the fine retailers that you'll be steered towards by using your favorite search engine or whatever.

Is "Bikini Royale 2: The Right To Bare All!" silly? Yes. Is it juvenile? Of course! But, what really matters is that it teems with quirky self-awareness made all the more enjoyable to watch by the shamelessly hammy (and surprisingly competent) acting that makes it quite apparent that the cast knew exactly what they were going for. This does not appear to be accidental bad (I say "bad" with affection, of course), like so many other cult classics tend to be, but instead, bad on purpose; and Fred Olen Ray and crew actually do it right where so many others fail. As my friend The Fox would say, and I wholeheartedly concur, "Congratulations to you on that win." Congratulations, indeed.

- Jeremy Vaca