Bare-Naked Survivor (2001)

Directed by Doug Hoffman
Starring Julie K Smith, Shauna O'Brien, Aimee Sweet, Tess Broussard, Aria Giovanni, Alexis Winston
Unrated
USA

"Fuck this French shit, you know what I mean?"

There isn't a lame-assed television concept out there that you can't make fucking superb by throwing some tits at it. Case in point, pseudo-reality's yawnfest ratings juggernaut 'Survivor', which mostly proved how petty, tawdry, and obnoxious regular people are. After you realize that none of these irritating fame whores are actually going to starve to death or get eaten by lions or even eat each other, about the only thrill left is that maybe one of the rapidly thinning women might pop a top. Luckily, the helpful sleazemongers at Indican have made it easy on us all, reducing the series' tiresome docu-drama leanings to it's bare (ahem) essentials.

Just as in the series it parodies, in Bare Naked Survivor, six contestants are placed on an island and battle it out for a cash prize. Only on this version, the contestants are all nude models, the island in question is 'Butta Cheeka', all the 'challenges' are merely a ruse for the horny host to grope the women, and nobody gets thrown off the show, no matter how outlandish their behavior. In other words, everybody wins.

There isn't much in the way of plot, pacing, or convincing performances, but it hardly matters. What does matter is that there's 101 different ways to get a woman to take her clothes off, and all of them are here. Who knew mouth to mouth resuscitation works better topless, or that booty shaking attracts wildlife?

The contestants in this valley of dolls comprise a nice combination of bimbo stereotypes, all played up for maximum camp value. Ruby (Julie K. Smith) looks like Wendy O Williams smuggling basketballs in her halter top. She's the tough chick, the ex-marine that would be a shoo-in to win the contest, were it an actual competition. She stomps around the island flexing her muscles and plotting some kind of vague revenge on the rest of them.

Babette (Shauna O'Brien), the mean one, always snapping at her co-jigglers, has a French accent that's as phony as her bust-line.

Cheryl (Alexis Winston) is...well, a bad actress, mostly, although she does tell a very amusing story about a religious vision she had in Mexico. Only problem is, she's not sure whether she saw Jesus, or just "Some Mexican guy".

Angela (Aimee Sweet) is the hippy chick, Dallas (Tess Broussard) is the good girl, and Monica (Aria Giovanni - who you can find as the teaser girl on a bout half a million porn sites) is the prettiest one.

Not that she gets away from humiliating hijinx, when she gets caught with her pants down by a wandering gorilla.

All of this tender flesh is herded by game host Cliff Probate (Lenny Juliano) who's about the slimiest, pastiest, most craven excuse for a man you can imagine. If anybody deserves to be stranded on a deserted island, it's him. Without the girls, I mean.

It should be noted, by the way, that what little clothes the girls wear, they wear throughout the duration of the show. Which means they only brought one outfit apiece, or more likely, the entire proceedings were shot in one afternoon. No wonder the girls fumble over the script, since it was probably being written in real time. Mandatory viewing, quite obviously.

By the way, the end credits feature ads for each of the girls personal websites, but after watching them run around half naked for an hour, what more do you want from them, blood? Wait, there's the sequel - Bare Naked Vampire Survivor. The 'sucking' jokes alone could keep it going for a season.

- Ken McIntyre

Ice Scream (The Remix) 2008

Directed by John Darbonne
Starring Bobbi Billard, Akira Lane, Shastina Eloff, Gelusa Zaripova
Unrated
USA

"Vicky, what are you doing working here?"
"I'm saving. I want to get double Ds."

Way back in 1997, screenwriter Derek Zemrak and a couple of his pals bought a camcorder, liquored up Ed Wood cohort Conrad Brooks, and made an hour-long Z-flick about a guy who owns a sexy ice cream shop and the box-headed killer that ruins his day. It was called Ice Scream, and it really did exist, if the VHS repro on IMDB is any evidence. Unfortunately, it did not make a huge splash on the world of underground film. And then? Who knows what happened. Time flew. Zemrak, sensing that perhaps the world had finally caught up with his singular vision of eyeball-ridden ice cream cones, remade (or, as they like to call it, 'remixed') Ice Scream with a (very slightly) bigger budget, more tits, and no Conrad Brooks to speak of. Further confusing matters, the 2008-lensed film has been released under two different titles: depending on where you pick up your copy, it may also be called Hot Blood Sundae. Apparently, that version is slightly different. Dunno how. If you do, fill me in. This is what awaits you in the Remix, at any rate.

Ricky (veteran soap actor Richard Van Vleet) owns a failing ice cream shop staffed by Wes (Ryan Click, who seems to be channeling Jim Carrey's fire marshall Bill character, for some reason), a semi-retarded kid with a too-long neck, and a quartet of teenage cuties in candy striper outfits led by busty blonde Vicki (Bobbi Billard). One day he comes up with an idea to save the store - he renames it Scoopettes, and gets his employees to wear tiny t-shirts and mini-skirts. A solid plan, and before you know it, rubes are lining up to buy scoops full of "Oral orange" and Virgin vanilla" ice cream from his scantily-clad servers.

Things go pretty swimmingly until one night when Paula (Shastina Eloff), on her way to take out the trash, wanders into a dimly lit room to find body parts and blood strewn everywhere. She's attacked by an unseen assailant who drags her across the floor and then strangles her to death with a plastic bag. So that's the end of Paula.

Mindy (Akira Lane) and Desiree (Russian-born Gelusa Zaripova, whose accent is as awesome as her name) discover her in the freezer the next day. They assume she killed herself because she didn't like the skimpy outfits. This would not explain why she was wrapped in plastic, but these are not the brightest bulbs in the novelty ice cream business.

A portly fellow in what looks like a UPS outfit and a girl dressed in lingerie and wearing a cop hat show up to investigate. Sexy policewoman wheels the frozen-stiff Paula out on a hand-dolly while the UPS guy/detective grills/comforts Desiree. And then everybody splits.

Jodi (Nova Conner) is the last one to leave for the night, so she takes a shower in the back room, because that's naturally what you'd do. However, before she can even get her bra and panties off, she's axe-murdered by a dude with a festive box/upside-down ice cream bucket on his head.

Despite that two of their own have been murdered on the premises, the remaining Scoopettes return to work, undaunted. In fact, they wear even less clothes than before, preferring string bikinis. The deaths have done nothing to dampen their sense of fun and frolic either, so they spend a good five or so minutes stripping topless and slathering each other with whipped cream.

Comic antics ensue when a gay guy shows up asking for "Penis pistachio" and then a midget tries to barge in, but playtime is over when the girls discover a human eyeball in the "Cherry Forever" ice cream.

The cops show up again and they discover Jodi in the dumpster, so that pretty much ruins the evening.

The next day, our surviving Scoopettes float around topless in a pool, which is awesomely gratuitous. Wes drops by and the girls tease him until he freaks out and bails. Later on, Mindy shows up for work and gets summarily executed by Boxhead in a jarringly Saw-esque scene shot in stark gray and crimson.

The standard slasher movie finale ensues, as the cops battle the Boxhead killer while Vicki and Desiree alternately cower and go about their daily business of posing in bikinis and suggestively licking ice cream. It ends, as you would expect from an ice-cream themed movie to do, with a twist, albeit a fairly obvious one.

Oh, and there's an end-credits booty-shaking sequence that's pretty much worth the price of admission.

Clip: Playboy's The Girls of McDonalds promo

Director Darbonne has worked mostly as a cinematographer for National Lampoon garbage like Adam and Eve (2005) and low-level Playboy TV segments ("The Girls of McDonalds"!). This becomes pretty obvious whenever he launches into yet another bout of whipped cream smearing or lite-lesbo titty-rubs. He also seems intent on directing a dark and very bloody horror flick someday, as Ice Scream is a fairly grisly affair, especially for the consistently light tone the girls keep in the shop. While the kill scenes are not necessarily at odds with the rest of the film, they do seem less jokey than they ought to, and if you wanted, you could edit out an effectively nightmarish stalk n' slash reel from the more serious moments here.

Buckets of blood aside, Ice Scream is a satisfying bit of no-budget fluff anchored by the Russ Meyer-esque charms of final girl Billard. Prior to her role here, the Texan-born beauty starred as 'Summer' on the syndicated Women of Wrestling TV series in 2000, and is a well-known internet model, with over a million Myspace friends. That's a lot of buds. Imagine what her Christmas card list is like.

Anyway, you have either already seen a lot of her, or you will in the future. Like Mary Carey, she has real B-queen potential.

Clip: Ice Scream the Remix trailer.

- Ken McIntyre

All Ladies Do It (1992)

Aka Cosi fan tutte
Directed by Tinto Brass
Starring Claudia Koll, Paolo Lanza
Unrated
Italy

"You let him fuck you?"
"No, no. I just took it up the ass."

Ah, what's better than Italo perv cinema, especially when it comes from the sweaty gaze of none other than Mr. Caligula himself, Tinto Brass? In ALDI, we peek in on the flighty sexual misadventures of Diane (super sexy Claudia Koll, who looks kinda like a thinner, less Amazonian Geena Davis), a young married hussy who grows tired of her straight-laced hubby and his uptight ways. She meets a dirty (and I mean that in every possible sense) Frenchman at some wacky porno poetry party, and he drags her into the bathroom and sniffs her apple-shaped buttocks. I dunno if he laid an ass whammy on her or what, but for the rest of the film, she can't go anywhere without someone grabbing her butt, or commenting on beautifully shaped it is, or how much they'd like to do a little anal spelunking on her. She soon gives in to her newfound desires for shameless assplay, and starts cheating like mad on her hubby with the Frenchman, the bawdy poetess, a couple of jerks on the train, and whoever else gooses her.

She comes home to her husband every night and tells him of her sexy adventures, but he thinks it's all just harmless fantasy, until one fateful day when he discovers a Frenchie hickey on her neck. Then all hell breaks loose, and he chops her into little bits and feeds her to the camels at the local zoo.

No, he doesn't. He actually just throws her and her finely shaped ass out the door, which finally gives her the freedom to be the 24 year old, 3 input harlot she has always wanted to be. But will it last? What will endure- true love, or ass addiction? Well fuck, man, can't we have both?

Obviously, All Ladies Do It doesn't concern itself with plot all that much. Mostly it just bounces from one sexy scene to another, which makes it probably the most honest of all of Brass's erotic films. No filler, just drill 'er, if you dig. Of course, it makes full use of all the gorgeous Italian scenery- read that both ways- and features plenty of his signature cartoon geometry camera compositions. If you really wanted to stretch the truth- like if your mom caught you watching it, or something- I suppose you might actually get away with calling it art. Which you usually can't say, when you're discussing a buttfuck movie.

The "unrated" status of this version means that the softcore sex scenes verge perilously close to the hard stuff- blink and you'll miss a second or two of graphic blowjob hijinks and even a moment of full anal insertion. The fact that it's shot in lavish 35 MM with a cast of bonafide arthouse actors makes it somehow seem dirtier than it actually is.

In summation: while it's never quite as funny as Brass assumes it is, Ladies is nonetheless well worth seeking out, if only to bask in the rare beauty of Miss Koll.


Clip: Diane meets the Frenchman.

- Ken McIntyre

2069: A Sex Odyssey (1974)

Directed by Georg Tressler
Starrign Nina Frederik, Catharina Conti, Heidrun Hankammer
Rated R
Germany

"Did you bring back samples of the seed?"
"I tried, but I was so surprised, I swallowed it."

The world of German 70's sexploitation is still largely unknown outside of Europe, so when a Teutonic titty-flick does manage to wash ashore, it's always cause for a vigorous...erm...examination. 2069: A Sex Odyssey (AKA Ach Jodel Mir Noch Einen) actually played in US drive-ins in the late 1970's, and later popped up on late-nite premium cable in the 1980's, so it's probably the most well-known of the German/Bavarian jigglers. This version - released several years back by Retro-Seduction - is five minutes shorter than the Euro cut, and sloppily dubbed in English, but these minor annoyances do not detract from this film's goofy charms.

So, a bunch of hot German chicks dressed in tight silver spacesuits and Astro Zombies helmets swoop down onto a remote ski resort to drain the local male populace of their sperm. You guessed it, they have come from Venus, where all sexy, horny galaxy- girls are from, to breed with Earth men and repopulate their planet. Now, I am totally willing to go along with this premise. No sperm at home, you gotta go out and get some. But why land on a nearly empty mountaintop? There's only half a dozen men in the entire village, and all of 'em have big crusty moustaches!

So, they're not too bright, these space chicks. They run around the tiny town stealing people's clothes and assuming their identities - cop, nun, um...ski instructor, etc.

I think this is mostly so they can eat up screen time with stunts, like an out-of-control motorcycle ride through the town square (it's so obviously a dude on the bike that it becomes an unintentional laugh riot) or a not-so high speed sled vs. skis run down the mountain. The nun manages to lure a few guys to the spaceship, where they have tubes clamped to their crotches and get a "gallon" of goo extracted from their balls. When they complain to the space-nun that they have nothing to arouse them, she takes off her clothes and lets them out of their shackles, but instead of fucking her, they just walk out. And that's the whole scene.

Significantly, that's pretty much the only time in the film when guys don't take the opportunity to manhandle the space-girlies. Almost every sex scene is a pseudo-rape, and even though they're all brief and not very graphic, the forced-entry vibe sucks all the erotic potential out of the scenes. And so, you are left with the comedy. I mentioned that this film is German, right?
There's a climactic riot in the beer hall while an oompah band plays, just in case you were thinking, "This movie sounds like it needs an oompah band scene". It also has a senseless ending that's so treacly, two of my teeth fell out while the end credits rolled.

Listen, this is no Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman, or even Nude On the Moon, but still, you'll have fun with this. The spacesuits and silver-glitter make-up are retro-licious, and there's a boner-popping lesbo scene near the end that's almost worth the tedium of the first hour. Almost.

And I mentioned the Oompah band, right?

- Ken McIntyre

Operation Pussycat (2004)

AKA Pussycat Great Mission!
Directed by Ryuchi Honda
Starring Nao Eguchi, Hisao Kanno, Kei Mizutani
Rated R
Japan

"Your brain is way down there."

At a breezy 42 minutes, Operation Pussycat is the slightest of the mid 00's Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill! tributes (see also Pervert! and Faster Pussycat, Fuck Fuck!), but it's also the most faithful adaptation. Faster Pussycat's basic premise - three hot chicks on a murder spree meet crazy old fucker - is very much the core of this film as well, only it's embellished with that familiar Japanese preoccupation, honor.

After the awesome go-go punk theme song - reprised in full for the Karaoke-ready end credits - we meet Kotori, a doe-eyed teenager in white hotpants and a scuba mask, who picks at shells on the beach and sings a terrible song. It's her job, shell picking, and she works for a terrible master, the meanest and richest man in town. While she toils away, the local cop comes by to see what's up.

While he's rapping to her, a car roars by on the highway, so he takes off to investigate. He pulls over a trio of girls in a pick-up truck, one of which, Harry (Kei Mizutani), is wearing a leather jumpsuit. Another one, busty Mary, is dressed in hot pants. A third - they never actually mention her name - wears paisley pants. So that's what we'll call her. When the cop asks Mary for some ID, she gives him a man's driver's license. And then she tells him she's a dancer.

"A really hot one," Harry points out.
To prove her point, Mary go-go dances for the officer. He digs it. Mary suggests that they, you know, take a walk somewhere, and he agrees, but then notices something suspicious in the truckbed. He lifts a tarp to find a man's bloodied body.

The girls leap into action and karate chop the cop. They kill him, and as his lifeblood ebbs away on the road, Kotori zooms by, oblivious to the slaughter of her would-be paramour.

The girls are convinced that she saw them, though, and they make chase.

They quickly lose her, and pull into a gas station, where they prod the boozy manager about the girl in the pick-up. The motormouth gas-pumper quickly spills the beans. 15 year old Kotori is a virtual slave to the monied old coot up the road. Seems she was working down by the beach one day when she almost drowned in the water. Mr. Moneybags saved her, and later on, a shark chomped off one of his legs, leaving him immobile. Feeling pangs of guilt, Kotori agreed to become his live-in slave.

So, that's what's up. Our trio of sexy killers decide to drive to the house and cause a ruckus. First they squabble for awhile, though. There appears to be sexual tension between Mary and Harry, while Paisley Pants is the Kirk Hammet of the group, trying in vain to keep the peace. While Harry tromps off to investigate, Mary and Paisley Pants square off over who wants to fuck Harry. A catfight with 60s go-go beat accompaniment ensues. At one point, Mary growls, "You are gloomy!"

Harry peeps in on the happenings inside Mr Supposed-to-be-rich's house. Muscle-bound man-servant Kashituka washes his feet while Kotori sheepishly hands him her haul of shells. He is not happy with what he sees.
"Women never work hard!" He yells. Then he beans Kotori in the head with one of them.
"Women are just like these sea shells," he grumbles. "Only cares how they look. Nothing inside."
What a dick.
He sends Kotori and Kashituka back to the beach to fetch 100 shells, so he can have a Seashell Party. Harry decides to follow them, ordering Mary to seduce the big guy to find out where the money is hidden. What money, you ask? Harry's heard rumors that the old bastard has a ton of cash stashed in the house somewhere, and she's determined to find it.

Kashituka, being a dude, chases after Mary. They share some slobbery kisses in a field, but Mary quickly realizes that the big oaf is mute, and therefore useless, since he can't tell her where the money is. If there is, indeed, any money. So she kicks him in the nuts and splits, adding insult to injury as she storms off: "In Your dreams, you jerk!"

When Mary comes back empty handed and tells Harry she wants out of her sordid murder club, Harry freaks out and strangles her to death. Kotori sees the whole thing and tears ass out of there. The girls chase her in their pick-up, but Kashituka shows up in the nick of time to save her.

When they get back to the house, Kotori is horrified to find the murderous women in her frontyard, topless, taking a bath with metal buckets. Kotori squeals in terror, but the girls tell her to relax. They weren't murdering that chick, they were just, you know, wrestling.
"Wow," says the naïve Kotori, "You really got me. I got scared for nothing."

The old man invites the topless she-devils to stay for his seashell party. They accept the invitation. They have dinner together and gramps yaps about how Kitoro's mom was his mistress, and tried to split with the money in his bank account. Naturally, he was too smart to trust the bank with his dough, and she was left with nothing. She took off, leaving baby Kitoro there, and now, 15 years later, this creep is feeling up her leg during dinner and telling the murder-gang about how useless she is. It's a very untenable situation, really.

Harry says that she wants to leave, and asks Kashituka to show her and Paisley Pants out. When they get outside, Mary mashes lips with Kashi and leaves Paisley Pants waiting around the corner. She takes him down to the cellar and rolls around the floor with him until he tells her - by writing on the wall - that the money is taped to the bottom of the dinner table. And indeed, it is.

Just then, Kitoro bursts out of the house, hysterical. She runs down to the beach, and in between bursts of tears, she tells the girls that gramps tried to fuck her with one of the shells. She's a little more delicate with her words, but that's the gist of it. Gramps, at this point, is furiously rolling his wheelchair down the beach. Kashi charges at him, but Gramps whips out a sickle on a chain and jams it into his neck. Harry is pretty much done with this nonsense, and clomps over to Gramps, intending to snap his neck. However, Paisley Pants takes this opportunity to pull out a handgun and threaten to kill Harry and then herself. She's got problems, clearly. Harry demands that she hand over the gun, but instead she closes her eyes, and pulls the trigger.

And then a bunch of people die. Not necessarily the ones you think, either. It's a very downbeat ending. Luckily, the theme song kicks in a again, and everybody's happy. C'mon, sing along!!

"No need for a knife.
Got Those tits for a fight.
That cute little pussy.
It's a knockout.
Pussycat.
Pussycat.
Operation Pussycat!

Shake my Heart Baby,
Wild animal of the night
Filthy little pussy.
It's a knockout.
Pussycat.
Pussycat.
Operation pussycat!"

Directed by 60's pop culture guru Ryuchi Honda (Wonderland, 2008), Operation moves along with garage-punk vroom. It's a lot more threadbare than the usual Japanese import, and Honda's use of washed-out color is odd, given his propensity for eye-popping visuals, but still, it's a fun little movie.

Kei Mizutani - best known for the awesome Weather Woman series - chews scenery with relish as the leather pant-suited Harry, and although her proportions aren't close to Tura Satana's towering curves, she's at least as mean as Faster Pussycat's Varla. Fans of the original will get a kick out of this low-budget remake, and even if you've never seen the source material, you really can't go wrong with go-go dancers on the warpath, can you?

- Ken McIntyre