Bartenders (2010)

Directed by Joanna Angel

Starring Joanna Angel, Kylee Kross, Kleio, Moretta Coxx

Rated X

USA

"Can I show you our gender-neutral bathroom - for sex?

Hot on the heels of the wildly successful blockbuster, Coyote Ugly, comes Burning Angel's aptly named Bartenders. Yeah, yeah ... I realize Coyote Ugly came out like a bajillion years ago, but does that really matter? (The answer is no.)

"What in the world could Bartenders be about", I hear you ask yourself with exasperation and utter confusion. Well, surprisingly enough, Bartender is about...spoiler alert...bartenders! (Oh, and thanks for not questioning how in the hell I can hear what you're thinking - that would've just been awkward.)

Joanna Angel (who needs a character name when you're Joanna-fucking-Angel!?) is the fun-loving proprietor of the down and dirty dive bar called Joanna's Ugly Saloon. Joanna and fellow bartenders, Kylee Kross, Kleio and Dana DeArmond, strive not only to serve up stiff drinks, but also stiffen (or moisten, as the case may be) up the wild and horny clientèle with their hot tabletop dancing, sexy body shots, or whatever else they feel inspired to do at the time.

Everything's going hunky dory until party-pooper health inspector Mick Blue comes in tellin' the ladies that they have to follow something called a "health code", and you know, can't go around drippin' fluids all over the place - even in the co-ed bathroom.

Now it's up to the ladies of Joanna's Ugly to step up and ensure that their livelihood doesn't get the axe. And, of course, this involves lots and lots of fucking. Which is pretty much the best way to get shit done; am I right?

Once again, Joanna and her fellow Burning Angels provide ample amounts of hilariously goofy hijinks and hours upon hours of some of the hottest sex in the industry.

I can honestly admit that I wasn't particularly thrilled at the prospect of watching a movie based on another movie that I never had any interest in seeing, but Joanna and company bring the awesome - as usual - and make a subject as potentially bland as bartending worth viewing (many, many times over, at that).

Although all the scenes here are scorching hot (including the afore-pictured 4 girl daisy chain, Mason Moore's G-spot exploding threesome, and Kylee Kross's tasteful DP finale), the highlight for me has to be fiery-haired and brace-mouthed waif Moretta Coxx in a particularly amazing scene that features some of the most acrobatic and flexible sex I've seen in quite some time; of which will just have to to seen to be believed.


Despite the slightly unimaginative title (I guess calling it Joanna's Ugly wouldn't have been the best option) and non-descript cover art, AVN Award nominated Bartenders will not disappoint you. Check it out at Burningangel.com. Now.

- Jeremy Vaca

Joanna's Angels 3: Douchebag Resurrection (2010)

Directed by Joanna Angel

Starring Joanna Angel, Kleio, Draven Star, Tommy Pistol

Rated X

USA

"Sorry, I don't understand why everyone is telling me to buy these shirts. I mean, no offense, but they're kinda gay."

"They're not gay - they're shiny."

Punk Porn Princess Joanna Angel and her fellow "Angels", short-haired pixie punk Kleio and gothic sexpot Draven Star, return yet again to save the world and fuck the hell out of everyone around them. Threatened by the proposition of douchebags (ie: people with inflated senses of ego and low intellect who behave in an obnoxious manner) taking over the city - if not the world, the Angels must step forward to put an end to said threat.

The cause of this onslaught of douchebaggery is traced back to clothing designer Evan Stone, the owner of Affucktion (a jab at clothing line Affliction, which is apparently something that douchebags wear). He sells shiny, jewel(or foil star sticker, if you want to be a dick about it)-encrusted T-shirts that take over the wearers mind, turning them into zombified, beer chugging, fist-pumping Jersey Shore clone drones.

Now, why would anyone want to do such a thing, you ask? Well, as we are told in flashback, Evan (kneeling with shoes on knees in full Dorf On Golf mode) began selling his handmade shirts as a youth with high expectations and entrepreneurial spirit. Unfortunately, everyone laughed at his pathetic designs and called his shirts gay. All except for his father ("full grown" Evan in a suit). Dad tells his son how proud he is of him, how great his shirts are... and then immediately drops dead of Stage IV cancer. Evan then vows to make everybody in the world like his clothing as much as his father did, which totally sounds like the only logical thing to do. Especially since daddy also happened to leave little Evan a "groovy" amount of money to fund his passion.

The narrative segments of the film have a very Troma-esque feel to them, both in aesthetic and humor. The laughs are cheap, everything is over-the-top in it's delivery (especially Tommy Pistol, who gives his obnoxious all as the cliche tape-on-glasses, overly excited, white Urkel meets Ernest, "Poindexter" sidekick character), and a general sense of "let's see how ridiculous we can make this" attitude. Not that that's a bad thing, but do be prepared going in that this isn't a highbrow affair by any means.

As far as the sex scenes, they are what you've come to expect from the Burning Angel crew: hot, nasty sex that genuinely seems to be enjoyed by all involved. As Joanna has been quoted as saying in an interview on website The Frisky -

"It's really important to me for the girl to have an orgasm. I want there to be at least one big, crazy, intense ridiculous screaming orgasm moment for every girl who works for me."

- which is refreshing in an industry that oft times seems dead set on doing anything but ensuring that the girl will come. Here, there's plenty of pussy play, kissing, dirty talk, smiles, laughs, and actual pleasure (gasp!) to be seen in the 7 excellent scenes on this DVD.

Although this film may seem like just another excuse to watch more hot alt tinged ladies fucking with enthusiasm, Joanna has a deeper message contained within this 4 hour cheese-filled fuck-fest. I'd attempt to paraphrase, but I think it's better to just let Joanna speak for herself:

"You see, you might not like my pink hair, Draven's pale skin, Kleio's suspenders - or Tommy's terrible tattoos. But that doesn't really matter. The moral of the story is, that if you want to escape an Affliction, the only person you can really be... is yourself."

Now, I'm not really sure what this means, but it makes me feel good inside, so I like it.

The only real complaint I have is perhaps a ridiculous one, but at 4 hours plus, it would be nice to have an edited version of this included as well. I don't know the person who is going to watch a 4 hour porn movie just for the story in one sitting, (and yes, I know that the main draw is obviously the sex, but...), so being able to watch the actual story without the 30 minute digressions between could give the film more diverse re-watchability (even perhaps for a wider, non-porn market) and help give more credit to the work put in by the non-sex roles as well.

All in all, if you know Burning Angel, you will no doubt be satisfied yet again by this release. If you haven't seen any B.A. before but aren't afraid of tattoos, piercings and fairly adventurous sex acts, I urge you to give this a try. When you are in a NSFW safe location, check out the web page HERE, where you can also watch the X-Rated trailer and purchase the DVD. Until then, take a gander at the PG trailer below. Go Team!

- Jeremy Vaca